how much? $28

It was a very balmy Thursday night in December for us in the North.  A momma walked into the local Aldi's with her four young'ens - a small one in a car seat and the others, a girl and two boys, bouncing with energy.  Momma was there to pick up some groceries.  Should be no problem, right?  Get watch you need, pay, pack up, tuck your family in the car, go home, mix up some supper, & feed your family.  Kids are full of energy but behaving.  Everything went smoothly until check out.  Momma slid the card through not expectling that there wasn't enough funds.  Panic filled her heart as she slid the card through again.  Mr. Cashier said to come back with more funds, he would hold the food.  What? No, she couldn't come back tonight.  She started to take her baby and gather up her kids when the miss next in line ask how much did she need.  Momma said no you don't have to do that.  The miss insisted and Momma excepted.  There was  welling of tears in the lady's eyes.  Something just moved deep in her heart.  It was like she was feeling Momma's story even though she had't a clue to why the funds were short.  No need to know.  It was just a mom out trying to take care of her own. Enough said.  As the transaction was finished & Momma pushed her cart away, Momma said thank you again.  All the miss could do was say Merry Christmas.

Momma had her kids & the groceries packed up in her car before heading back into the store.  She felt the need to reach out to the miss but what could she do?  The miss was just pushing her cart out of the store.  Now or never.  

"I really appreciate what you did.  Is there anything I can do?" asked Momma.  

"No," spoken so softly.

"That was really nice.  I'm a believer..."

"Me too!"  The miss's eyes brighten & glistened as the welling of tears began again.

Momma continued.  "It nice to help out fellow belivers but we are to give to others.... Can I give you a hug?"

It was the 'bestest' & strongest hug ever for both Momma & the miss.

the end.

prodigal son's older brother ...

About 10 years ago I heard a sermon or podcast about the prodigal son's older & angry brother.  I am an older brother type.  I couldn't understand why the older brother would be reprimanded for his anger.  What he stated was true.  He toed the line.  He stayed home and worked hard, loved his family, and wasn't a heartache to his parents. Why all the celebration for the younger sibling?  How many times will this sibling get away with the talk but not the walk?  I didn't get it but I filed it away for later.  Well, later has arrived and I was right there being that older brother and down right LIVID.

Well, I received second hand news that my brother is "coming back home."  He is trying to restore and make things right.  Great! Yay!  But what made me boil was his excuse for living as he has been living.  He isn't a harden criminal.  In fact he has a soft heart and he likes girls who take advantage of him.  He married one and 3 years ago the it ended.  I don't fault him for that.  However, he is off trying to feed that want of a woman.  He has gone to this Christian men's group and it really touch him.  He stopped by Mom & Dad's house and was talking with Mom.  One of the things that came up was how he couldn't understand why his sister and brother really didn't want to have anything to do with him and that is why he has all these issues.  Supposedly he realizes that was a wrong thing.    WHAT? Ok.  I know that is what he had thought but it doesn't do anything to quiet how LIVID I am. What a lousy excuse to waste about 40 years of his life.

Let's just start at the beginning.  Back in our elementary days, being poor our parents every Saturday night would go to the mall to window shop.  It was a chance for Mom to get out of the house being a 1 car family.  I remember leaning over to by brother to say something as we were walking along.  He said "get away from me.  I do not want anyone to know you are my sister."  I am an adult and that was said when we were mere kids.  I am not angry at him for this.  Nor have I held it as an excuse to blame him for all my problems like he is the reason I have never married.  No.  Lame excuse.  However, I have given him wide berth.  I desperately wanted him to like me.  Mom had always said she wanted her kids to be friends.  Family should be the best place to have real good friends that will have your back.  Well, when I wanted to play in the neighborhood games at the ball field, I didn't because my brother was there playing and I would embarrass him.  Instead books and my bike were my friends.  For high school we had two years of band together, but I let him do his own thing and stayed away.  Very few people knew we were brother and sister even though our last name was not common.  Same way with college, we had two years and very few people knew we were brother and sister.  Giving him space did not mean I hated him.  I have always wanted to be close to him.  Maybe with years we would get closer.  I felt that allowing him to do his thing was what he wanted.  I have had moments of where I felt more connected to him in conversation than my "twin" brother ten years younger.  Those moments were because we are nearer in age but those connections have been so brief.  Because I didn't understand him, I have read many books about guys to help me get a man's world but never could I use my brother as an excuse for the voids in my life.

I have champion him all his life.  After he broke up with some girl, my little brother and I went to his seedy apartment house.  We got pizza and a movie.  We were there to cheer him up.  After his marriage broke apart, I got him Christmas things like a small tree and a lot of cookies that all he had to do was put them on a cookie sheet and bake and warm cookies right from the oven.  I wanted my nephew to know that his dad was good and that he still would have Christmas.  For his birthdays after the divorce, I was very strategic.  I got him things to encourage his gifts.  I have gotten him some art pencils and drawing paper.  I got him a book about the Hobbit movie.  Inside was an artist dream.  There were drawings of the different characters.  What boy wouldn't want his father to draw Hobbit characters and have them framed on his bedroom walls?  My thought throughout the years has always been what can I do to draw out his gifts.  That first Christmas he was invited to send the day at my house so he would not be alone on Christmas day.  I cared about his heart.  I have lived the single life and I know the dark corners.  I cared enough to shine light on him.

Mom was taken aback when I exploded.  She doesn't want me to ruin any comeback he is trying to make.  She doesn't want me to be mad at him.  Good grief.  I have always come around.  I will again but I so need time to process this all.  Argh!  The past three years after each family gathering, you can find me tattling on my brother and what the kids are going through to my Heavenly Father.  I am pouring out my guts and tears to God.  What a mess my nephew and his sister has to go through.  I don't care if they look like they are ok.  The bro is with a girl and her three daughters -- one which we haven't met because she is a troubled teen.  Come on!  I feel he should go stag.  Forget these women.  Get right with God and your son.  Maybe then my anger would go away.  Mom said things used to be black and white but today is grey.  Mom, the Bible is still black and white.  "Obedience brings blessing.  Disobedience brings punishment."***

Back to the prodigal son's older and angry brother--
I don't like being angry.  I needed God to be patient with me but to help me through this mess in my heart and mind.  O, how He has.  Each day He brought things to me like:

* I do not want to be disqualified.  Didn't I just tell a co-worker to get through and not wallow?  I must too.

* the FORGIVEN forgive

* act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God -- Micah 6:8

* Joseph didn't blame his brothers.  "God made me not you."
I have fallen in love with the story of Joseph.  Again.  Rejected?  Thrown away?  But never rejected or thrown away by God.  He was always there.  Redeeming the bad things.  AMEN!!

* Who is the enemy?
→ lies, excuses, duplicity, hoodwinked
not flesh and blood!!

* Am I not tenacious?
So what is a little more long-suffering?

Well, I have spewed.  I have pushed out of my brain and heart and into my fingers and out onto the page.  I can exhale and can love again.  Hopefully, my outbursts of mutterings after remembering some little history that proves I have always cared about him will cease.  And that red bump on my forehead from banging my head on the table will stop throbbing.

*** Adrien Rogers

part vs whole

I was reading I Corinthians 13 and was stopped at "knowing in part".  I have a dear friend who shared with me a weight, stressed, upset issue.  I responded and he gave me more and I responded and now I am waiting.  I'm wondering how to encourage and uplift.

What I know is in part.  What I feel is in part.  What I think is in part.  What I say is in part.  Love is the only whole.  How do you wholly love?  How do you wholly love with what you know in part?  How do you wholly love with what you feel in part?  How do you wholly love when you think in part?  How do you wholly love when you say in part?  All I'm getting so far is keep at loving as God would have you do and do it with P A T I E N C E!  Committing it all to Jesus and watch Him turn water into wine....   

Galatians 6:9 says "weary in doing good."

a list vs off the cuff ...

I had a nice long vacation.  This time I did not write down and map out what I wanted to accomplish with my ten days.  There where some things that were a given like shopping with Mom and helping her with my nieces.  It was the spaces where it was just me and the house.  There is sooooooo much to do and I did not want to beat myself up about not accomplishing anything at the end.

I just wanted a reboot.  Get rid of bad habits and make new ones.  I am sooooooo tired of my messy house.  With work it is so easy to be lazy about my house and about me.  I wanted to change all of that.  So how did I do?

I don't want to go to work in the morning, of course!  However, I do feel very happy with my vacation.  I loitered in bed when I could.  I read whenever I wanted to.  Picked up after myself.  Cooked and cleaned up after myself.  I never felt interrupted or frazzled because I had to go to work.  I even did some writing.  Some things got done and I am so happy.  There are some things that still need attention but maybe now I can get to them.  Well, the list is long but I got to keep going.

In a month's time I am taking another week off.  I can't wait!!  Do I write down a list or just go off the cuff?  It is a battle.  So much to accomplish but it sooooooo good to just enjoy life at a slower pace.

1st little girls' sleepover ...

4yo ~

"Your house is beautiful."
It is only the 'mud room'!!!

"I peed in the shower!"  -  She erupts in wild squeals and giggles!
Welllll, how do you transfer a slippery wet child to the toilet without a major catastrophe?  No harm, no foul!  

"Why do you live alone?"
I have no husband.  This little one is alllll about marrying her boyfriend ... on and on... Trying to convince her that boys have cooties!!

*** What a delight this little one is!  Full of giggles and loves miniatures.  A child after my own heart.  My house is better than disney world for her!  She was willing to try new things like taking a shower rather than a bath.  And she comes up with the wildest things.  Like before she came over to my house she asked if I cooked.  She is just the cutest!!!  I lovvvvvvvvve how she says my name!!!!  I don't want her to stop.  I just melt!  Thinking I should change it to what she calls me!!

8yo ~

"Why do you have American flags all over the place?"
Well, that is the decor of my house.  I love the founding history.  Sadly, my pride is zero since recent current events.  

"My tummy hurts."
Wasn't sure what was going on -- a ploy? Or was the medication eating the tummy.  I fixed some warm yummy oatmeal.  She ate and that seemed to help.  We had some good one on one time.  She fixed up some star ice cubes with blueberries.  We made fizzy drinks with lemon sparkling water with the party ice cubes for breakfast.  Oh! Don't mix the lemon with the blueberries!  Good grief, this child with her foods!

"I don't want to sleep in a strange room for the first time."

I say, "your sister is sleeping in here too."

"A four year old can't protect me."
It escalated to the point she was crying and wanting her mommy.  I had to do some quick thinking and get this shut down before major melt down.  Well, I think we had just passed into melt down mode.  Help!!

I said, "you won't have everyone around you all the time to protect you but you have Jesus.  He watches you all the time.  All the lights are on and I have to get ready to bed.  Let me take care of things and I will be back and sit here awhile reading while you fall asleep.  While I am taking care of things, you talk to Jesus and tell Him you are scared and ask Him to help you fall asleep."

I come back and she is on the verge of sleep.  I read a chapter or so of my book and as I leave her breath is even.  She is fast asleep.  As I go to sleep I ask Jesus for her to sleep at least till 7ish.  He is Good.  She was up a little after six.  Not bad at all.  Just more one on one time with her.  

***  What a fascination this girl is.  She is a first born and can have a tude at times.  I get that.  I've been there and done that.  I so want to help her get ahead start on understanding attitudes and how JoY can help her.  She lovvvvvvvvvves games and crafts.  I have not figured out why she likes crafts.  She doesn't want to do the same craft over and over.  It always has to be new.  Yet, I find her wanting to save patterns so she can take it home and do it again.... what? again?  Anyways, I would love to crack the code and find something crafty that she can just dive into and soar all by herself.  I know she loves to make cards.  That has been my starting point....  She loved my craftcave.  I would love to show her how to organize her room into a little haven of craftiness.  

I have started a journal between us while she comes and stays at MeeMee's house this summer.  It is a way to ask her questions that might be difficult to say face to face.  Her biggest fear is her parents dying, her sister dying, and her cats dying.  One of her cats is struggling with life...  Whew! Big fear for an 8 year old.  A big fear for a 46 year old too.  I replied as best as I could -- even the pet fear.  

Ahhhhhh, wonderful moments to collect!!!!

Papaw asked the girls if they saw any animals in the woods at my place.
What?  The animals were inside the house!

standing for a Biblical family standard ...

As evangelical Christians, we dissent from the court’s ruling that redefines marriage. The state did not create the family, and should not try to recreate the family in its own image. We will not capitulate on marriage because biblical authority requires that we cannot. The outcome of the Supreme Court’s ruling to redefine marriage represents what seems like the result of a half-century of witnessing marriage’s decline through divorce, cohabitation, and a worldview of almost limitless sexual freedom. The Supreme Court’s actions pose incalculable risks to an already volatile social fabric by alienating those whose beliefs about marriage are motivated by deep biblical convictions and concern for the common good.

my heart's own bitterness ...

A retiring, widowed, 20 years my senior, IT co-worker was talking above my brainwaves about a work task and without a blink of eye ask me to dinner to talk. The switch in topics threw me.  I looked away trying to form words when he said something about he knew the answer and walked away.  I still could not form words.  My head was nodding and I was trying to will myself to smile.  When the coast was clear, I ducked behind the computer screen and let my face contort.  An exclamation muttered in slow-mo.  {Argh!}

How did this happen??  I am NOT looking.  I am NOT flirting.  There was NO preening or fluttering of the eyelashes.  NO markings of neediness.  NO pheromones.  I EAT GARLIC on a regular basis.  Yes, I do ask questions and I do listen.  I know these are in short demand but it is who I am but it does NOT mean I am looking for someone to fill any so call holes.

Yes, I know that he gets points for taking the risk in asking especially in the today's society.  Guys do not take risks anymore.  It is one thing they should hold onto as a right and and a honor.  (or maybe not- I don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry asking me out). Yes, he is a widow and I feel for the widow.  Widows are singles and from my vantage point from the opposite side of the same pond, they are going to face loniness and aloneness that I have already know intimately whether I like it or not.  I know those dark hours right at bedtime.  I know that feeling where you go out into the public of couples and families and there  you go pretending you just don't care.  I know that feeling of utter loniness coming home from a weekend at your best friend's family home four hours away.  Your house is empty, the sun is setting, and you have work in the morning.  They get to do all of this without their beloved.  Yes, I feel.  I am NOT utterly heartless but let's talk about me.

I am NOT AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT THIS.  In fact I have a bit of anger.  Let's talk about numbers.  I'm sorry but he is my Dad's age.  I already feel way younger than my number but now I feel like a silly little girl.  I am still active. He is a slow walker.  I could do ten laps around his one.  Age gives you a different perspective.  I have a little brother ten years younger and I feel the difference let alone 20 years!  Let's talk about mental capacity.  He talks way above me.  He talks and it could be a foreign launage for all I know even though it sounds like English.  I am all about my brain.  I like to ask questions -- tough ones too.  I'm not dumb but I am not super smart either.  Let's talk about emotional interaction.  He is a co-worker but I know nothing of his true essence.  I have my impression but that is not enough for me to allow the next step.  The secret is a knowing, a developing friendship.  There is nothing here.  It is what makes me the most angry.  I want to be heard.  I am want to be able to walk beside.  I want my voice to be a compliment.  My empression says it is not here.  There is no knowing and most importantly there is no walking in the Way of Jesus on his part.  This is a major must.  Being a sister and brother in Christ is a language and I want that most of all.

The other part of my anger is that when I go to my loved ones for support, I got that look like I should have given him a chance.  One said dating is how you get to know someone.  I had one of those after thoughts -- what I should have said was, you and I did not go on a date and we know each other as friends.   I am quiet and size up the character before taking steps towards getting to know another.  My parents met on a blind date but it will never be in my story.  I know they mean well but come on!  Trust me!  I know who I am in Christ.  God will protect me -- even in the unknown days to come.  The days to come that you don't want to talk about -- those days when the loves ones are gone.  God knows me better than I know myself.  He has taylored made my life just for me.  He knows what works for me.  My story is uniquely my own created uniquely by God.  I may look alone on the outside but I'm never alone. 

Even so, some days I would like to have a man picture hanging out on my desk to scare away the rats.  Probably even better would be a couple picture to be more believable but in my current state that would be a bit hard to come by.  {sigh} It would be a lie anyways.  I must live in the truth.  Walking the Jesus Way is the Truth and the Life.  So I will be a big girl and own my singleness. 

What about my anger, you ask?  Tsk! Tsk! It has subsided.  I sure could taste my own heart's bitterness (Proverb 14:10) and sabertooth mad about it.  It felt like no one heard....  No, God heard my voice, heard the very essence of me and turned His Ear to me!  Oh how, I love Him for it (Psalms 116:1-2).

singing ...

She will enter Zion with singing;

Everlasting JöY will crown her head.

Gladness and JöY will overtake her;

sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Arise!  Shine!

her Light has come.

The Glory of the Lord rises upon her.

She looks and is radiant,

her heart throbs and swells with JöY!

Isaiah 35:10 ; Isaiah 60