can I be mad at God?

My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer ... ~ King David in Ps 22:1-2

About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice , "My God, My God why have you forsaken me? Matt 27:46

"Prayer doesn't change God; it changes me."
C.S. Lewis in Shadowlands

Dear Lord,
I invite Your Mercy upon such a sinner and worm as I. I am too weak to carry this pressure. My Joy You so cultivated in my journey is eluding me. Peace is replaced with turmoil. Calm is crushed by torrents of rain. I so long to run out of this den of thieves and straight into the Your ocean of acceptance and Love.

Lord, I am going to confront those that have hurt me tomorrow. I fear this. My past has failures. I invite You to be my words soft and firm. I long to hear You call out, "Peace! Be still!"

my choice ...

''You choose:
where to be, how to act, what to say, what to do, whom to be with, what to concentrate on, what to believe, when to go along, when to resist, whom to trust, whom to avoid, what behaviors to emit in reaction to what stimuli, what to say to yourself about: self, others, risks, needs, rights.

"One of the most important choices I make daily
is how I present and define myself to other people.
My attitude of approach dictates what I get back."
Dr Phil in "Life Strategies"

: What I want to experience :
I want to experience a fresh beginning. I want to redefine a work relationship. I want to experience and build upon my reception duties. I want joy to pour out of me. I want others to experience my smile. I want to be able to redefine the job decription and open up a bit of the schedule so that I do not feel like a burden for others when they have to cover my lunches and time off. I want to continue on my personal life journeys of personal touch.

: What I need :
I need to feel that I can need. I need to be listened too. I need to feel what I feel. I need a calm place to work so I can do my best job. I need those above me to be more transparent and not hide things from view so I know they are trying to have the best work environment. I need others to stop pressuring me. I need to be fine with letting others know that they hurt me. I need to be conscious of my approach and not be afraid. I need peace. I need my Joy back.

: I choose :
I choose to be joyful. I choose to use kind words. I choose to affirm the person as well as the work environment. I choose to be with those who affirm me. I choose to confront those that hurt me with meekness. I choose to concentrate on doing a good job. I choose to avoid confrontation but I choose to work things out. I choose to be around happy stimuli. I choose to be good to myself. I choose to take a risk to change things up a bit { yikes } I choose to be ok with my needs. I choose to take this new learning and use it on me and others. I choose to keep my hand in God's Almighty Hand.

releasing the secret burden ...

What I want to experience is a release and an ear. I think there needs to be an accounting of events. I want to be very frank and I want to be safe in saying so.

Monday I was pulled in by HR and my manager. I was told that in order to keep the business a float that my job was no longer needed. My job was only created for the change over and now that is done, it is time to close it down. Never mind the change over was months ago and my work load is the same load. I was told that they did not want me to leave. The option was to take over the reception job. I pretty sure that I heard my pay would be dropped and capped. Do I want the job? I said yes. Why would refuse? Then I was to keep quite about it because they have not told others that would be involved. I could understand that because it really puts me in an odd place. Who wants to replace someone else or be the 'one who takes your job' even if you understand the seniority process?

Later after thinking over what just happened, I realized that in the shock I forgot to ask and clarify. Where there other options? Did I hear the pay amount correctly?

A side note is that when I told my mother what happened, she shared news that the very next day she would go into surgery! A double mental blow. A distraction. Both areas needed my time and attention.

Just before I left for the day on Monday, the receptionist's manager came to me and told me to keep quiet because the receptionist did not know. Oh, and that she had an option for her. I am like oh great, how long am I going to have to keep this under my hat? I should not be put in this position.

Day after day went by and the secret had to be kept. Then there are signs of demotions and positions let go. Still the secret had to be kept.

Friday morning I could not handle it anymore. I was enraged not because the night before my mother was in severe pain but because it was too much to ask for the secret to be kept. In fact it is wrong.

I was presured by two co-workers what was up. I exploded. I said I cannot tell you and left the room. My manager called me into her office and thanked me for a job well done. I said I enjoyed working for her. Stupid tears. Oh, I didn't mean to make you cry she says. I said it was a lot with my mother having surgery and being in pain. All truth but then she is like takes that as being the issue. Then she says that we still gotta keep quiet because nobody knows!

After that HR emails and says you want to talk? What do I want to talk when I am livid? NO WAY! I know what can happen when I am mad and try to talk! Bad things happen. Do I want to lose my job for throwing a fit? Do I want to hurt someone else? Delete goes the email.

Lots of surrying in the hallways could be heard! Then my manager pulls the rest of the department in our office and tells them where I was going etc. OH, and to keep quiet about because certain parties involved where not told.

After everyone leaves my manager asks if I need to talk to HR. I said no. I am not talking about my mother because she is not the issue. It is the handling of the situation and I am getting hotter by the minute.

Then I have a co-worker start in on me. He asks if my moving to the receptionist job was my issue in the morning. I begin that it isn't right to keep it from the receptionist. Then he goes into how the receptionist feels about the job and that she is getting moved and that she is alright about. Now if I would allow myself, I would have loved to tear into him. Stop telling me how to feel and start listening. This is wrong.

Then I hear that the girl in AR is getting fired and that I declined the AR position so the receptionist is going to be moved over there. What a minute! I was never offered the AR position. That is a false statement. { Because I am making a life decision to get it straight from the horse's mouth, I will be going to the source and others to find out what was truly said and to clarify. }

I am releasing my anger over the burden to keep quiet. Managers need to be accountable for their actions. They are going to have to be transparent if they want their employees to stay loyal and to keep a good working environment. I have noticed a lot of scurrying around the job load to keep their employees. Other managers that don't even fight for saving jobs. I see loads of money walking out the door in the paper and the company vehicles.

building blocks of America

"Without God there could be no American form of government nor an American way of life. Recognition of the Supreme Being is the first - the most basic - expression of Americanism." ~ President Eisenhower stated in 1955

liberty

people whispering ...

A horse-whisperer does not go to people to get information on a particuliar horse. No, he observes from afar and gets closer until he is scratching underneath the chin and looking directly into those deep dark eyes. He is listening to every movement and detail. Yes, he is actually listening to the very voice of the horse. Horses do speak! He then knows what the horse is good at and draws out though those strengths. He never forces the horse beyond his limits. Rather he pushes on the horse's strengths to exceed. Big difference.

As the horse-whisperer so the people-whisperer needs to be conscious of these two concepts. You have to go directly to the source and not depend on other people to get a tempurature of the person or the situation. It muddles your read. You damage the person much like when a horse is forced beyond what the knee can put out. You just put down the person for the sake of your own wishes.

It is all about the person's path and his God-Given gifts and talents that he was brought into this world with and not some other agenda. Much like the horse-whisperer, a people-whisperer must keep his hands off the reigns. No pushing buttons. That is forcing the person beyond his limits. Pushing buttons is weaking the soul. Its breaking the spirit. That is dangereous to have on your hands. Listen to the strengths. Get to know the needs.

1a. Do not whisper in my ear about all the other person's feelings. You just stopped listening to my own heartache.
1b. Stop whispering to others what you think other people feel. Make them go listen.
2. Stop pushing my buttons!

'back off & leave me be!' . . .

I am so glad to have a space to let out my steam where I can listen and answer my needs. My world is messy in all areas. Two storms hit at one time this past Monday... my mother's surgery and my job placement. It was a slow burn and it boiled over Friday in full blown ANGER!

By the way my Mom's path is now of recovery and a path through pain. Thursday night was a huge concern as her pain was extreme and her temp went up. But thankfully she was much better and chipper Friday. What a huge comfort she was! She listened to my anger and it was just what I needed.

about need ...
I am soooooooooooooooo sick of people who try to be there for you by saying come talk. I did and all I have gotten from this person is how I should feel and this is from Human Resources! Then what really gets me is there is this guy who has to tell me how this person or that person feels. Good Grief!!!! I am not an idiot! I am quite sure that I have a bit of a gift when it comes to empathy. { Scary thought for me and I feel I have some learning in this area. He 'ain't' my teacher either so stop pushing my buttons! } What I do know for sure is that be an empathizer is to listen not from other people but from the source. And when he is chatter up a storm to HR, to the manager, and to others about how so&so feels, then he is not representing the person correctly because he wasn't listening in the first place. { Thanks to him for getting me so livid that I couldn't recover! }

As I was sitting in my own fuming, I realized what I needed! ... what any person in anger or in pain or in frustration needs! An unassuming person with a great ear and a simple question .. "What do you need?" What a powerful question and a great way to begin a new path.

Because I want to be an accomplished writer someday, I am using this question in a daydream, fleshing out a character who cares, who listens, and encourages me to answer that simple question. That character started out as me then it became man to stand up to that insensitive guy. It is back to me again and it will continue to morph where I need to sweep up and move on.

This coming Monday is a BEGINNING. I am making changes and I must get my back up to confront those who have been hurting me. It is allowed to tell them to stop.

about anger....
I can get a huge dose of anger when pushed to the wall time and time again and especially when people assume what I feel. It is quite all right to not want to be messed with in these moments. I am not good with the spoken word. It is quite all right for me to be silent at this time. I would rather be silent until I get my barrings than to explode with all my wrath and hate myself. Lets not forget all the damage that I could inflect upon myself in the process like losing the job all together. So silent I will be. Let me get to my safe place. Let me work it out. Let me begin again. I am quite Self Smart. Now is the time to be my own best friend, my own Life Manager, my own path carver. I too want to rememer this sacred moment and use this when I have someone in my life with anger, pain, or frustration.

Back off and leave me be!

gifts ...

: what it is :
* visual symbols of love
* a tangible object that says , "I was thinking of you. I wanted you to have this. I love you."
* can be any size, shape, color, or price
* can be purchased, found, or made
* have to learn the person's interests, be the student ...
* be sensitive to the way your partner responds to gifts

: what it's not :
* no strings attached
* not to smooth raffled feathers

: Q : What is the last gift you gave & to whom did you give it?
: Q : Is it hard or does gift giving come naturally to you?
: Q : Do you consciously listen for gift ideas in your conversations?
fr: "The Five Love Languages for Singles" by Gray Chapman

... I'm not a gift giver. I didn't receive many gifts growing up. I never learned how to select gifts. It doesn't come naturally for me" ........ CONGRATULATIONS, you have just made the first discovery of becoming a great lover. Love requires effort. Often love requires learning a love language you never spoken. Fortunately, gift giving is one of the easiest love languages to learn.

People speak about what interests them. If we listen carefully, we will pick up numerous clues as to what would be appropriate gifts for an individual.

If you are to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money. Each of us has an individualized perception of the purposes of money, and we have various emotions associated with spending it. If you have a spending orientation, you will feel good about yourself when you are spending money. If you have a saving and investing perspective, you will feel good about yourself when you are saving money or investing it wisely.

Suppose you are a saver. Your emotions will resist the idea of spending money as an expression of love. I don't purchase things for myself. Why should I purchase things for others? But that attitude fails to understand the truth - that you are purchasing things for yourself. By saving and investing money you are purchasing self-worth and emotional security. You are caring for your own emotional needs in the way you handle money. If you discover that someone you care about has the primary love language of receiving gifts, then perhaps you will understand that purchasing and giving gifts to him/her is the best investment you can make. You're investing in your relationship and filling the other person's emotional love tank.

... it is the gift that came out of the thought that communicates emotional love.

Please don't hear me saying that you speak only the primary love language of the people you care for. Love can be expressed and received in all five love languages. However, if you don't speak a person's primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even thought you may be speaking the other four. Once you are speaking his/her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four, and they will be like icing on the cake.
fr: "The Five Love Languages for Singles" by Gary Chapman

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
outside gift giving . . .
I am horried that no matter how much of the other four love languages I spoke in a LDR, it proved ineffective because his primary love language is touch. I knew because we talked about it. I tried to incorparate touch in what I gave. I am miffed no angry that I could not fill his love tank. No wonder is he is MIA. However, I totally believe LDR's can work at least from my own tenacity! {No proof that I will find a match.} For the toucher's out there in a LDR, please appreciate the love that is coming to you from the other four languages. It wouldn't hurt for you to suggest ways for us touch you. It is a must have conversation.

This brings me to the receiver of the any love language and especially if it is not your primary love language to appreciate the time and effort given. Be a good sport and soak in the love! It is far better to receive the other four love languages than starving!

inside the gift giving . . .
I am one of those savers but I am a student of people. I do find it difficult at times to find the perfect gift. I must admit at times I just want to throw in the towel. If it isn't right, why waste money on it. I am learning to be a better giver so there are small steps taken. What really blows me away is when I find the perfect gift. It is usually an Act of God .. meaning that I love my gift to give a message. It must speak more than just the gesture. It must go deep! When this deep stuff happens, I know God was in it and it makes me smile .... until the receiver misses the meaning on the love given.

I don't need someone to give me gifts. I sometimes find it hard to open gifts in front of people or the giver. I am afraid of my first reaction but give me time and I will compliment you. I always wear the clothes or jewelry when I am with the giver. I have had where someone will say 'oh, I love that on you.' And I reply saying 'you got this for me ...' . Half the time they had forgotten but it proves to them I remember. That in itself is saying 'love you back'.

I believe the gift represents the person. I will have certain things around my house and I will go back to the memory connected to that moment. If you catch me in that moment, a smile bursts upon my face.

To be a true lover you must deeply understand how to give and to receive love in the form of a gift.

love tank : words of affirmation

comfort (verb)

~ strengthen by being with ...

In shattered moments, be quiet ...

{Love = preparing, provision, proof, PRESENCE}

Presence is all the Love they need. Let them journey through the pain and grief by being with them. You are bearing witness to their journey and feelings. You honor and value their very being with presence.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of Compassion and the God of All Comfort,
who 'strengthens by being with' us in all of our troubles,
so that we can 'strengthen by being with' those in any trouble
with the 'strength by being with' we ourselves have received from God.
II Cor 1:3-4

The comfort we recieve allows us to overflow another's life with this God-Given Comfort.

ie: {what worked for one who received comfort}
* silly cartoons to get their mind off the pain
* you know the christmas chains? a prayer chain was made with people praying 24 hrs a day and given .... was comfort when they couldn't pray anymore they knew they where covered
* game times

word sleuth: aerate

don't take the girl ...

We were just strolling the grounds near where I lived. His strong hand holding mine as we talked about our dreams for the future. It was a chilly spring evening but I as aglow from just being with him. I felt so giddy and beautiful walking with such a strong man. It was to be a nice finish to a great date, but two men in ski masks changed our course.

They seemed to have appeared from the blackest night. They shouted for us to stop and give them our money. If we didn't, they would shoot. My boyfriend being a cop moved to show his badge as he reached for his piece. I can remember four shots as Scott moved in front of me. A scream filled my body. We fell together on the cold sidewalk. A scramble to stuff the wounded shooter in the car and doors slamming as the screech of tires echoed in my ear.

I fumbled to reach him. My hand slipped as I realized he was shot. My screem finally was released as I held Scott to me. I can't remember anything more except for the red and blue lights of emergency and Scott's brotherhood swirled around us.

For the next twenty four hours as I took my vigil, I watched as Scott's family, friends, and his brotherhood spoke and prayed with him. He suffered several strokes and then slipped into a coma. There was not a dry eye. This was happening way to fast and our hope was fading. I laid my face against his as I held his hand. I whispered my love and appriciation. Then he was gone from this world. I can't remember anything more . . .

Scott lived his life to the fullest. He loved baseball. He loved being a cop. He dreamed of working on the K-9 unit. Whatever he loved, he did with all of his heart. I knew I was dating a cop and that it was a dangerous job. I could live with that because Scott's attitude was one of passion and warmth. I did wonder if he had enough space and attention for me in his crammed full brilliant life. I need no longer wonder, he took 3 bullets for me and gave his life for mine. Memories of Scott singing Tim Mcgraw's song "Don't Take the Girl" overwhelm me.

Why was I spared? Scott lived his life with a whole lot of love even in a job that can take a lot from you. He had a brilliant future. He was so full of life. My life is on a smaller scale. He could give more than I... so why was I spared?

No ... how will I live now? I will honor Scott... I will live my life fully .... I will love more fiercely ... I will not let the whys take my life from me ... instead I will give my life and my love more deeply...

''To affect the quality of the day,
that is the highest of arts.''
henry david thoreau

United 93 ...

I am not going to rate or critique this movie. Being a writer and creator, I may have told the story differently. But it isn't the telling of the story, but the questions and statements the actual event stirs in our hearts. To remember ...

: Q's :
* Does your faith insite love or hate?
* What are you going to say when you have one last call to make?
* If you are receiving the last call, what will you say to inspire and to encourage?
* Will there be anything you wished you would have done differently?
* Will you act or freeze?

: statements :
* Faith becomes religion if you have a bunch of rules to follow and the breaking of the rules calls for your death. Faith in God has one rule and that is to recieve God as Lord and Savior. Faith has one action: to love.
* Though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.
* There is more here than you can see.
* Move to what you can control.
* Listen.

Color is deeper and richer against the backdrop of black.

movie review: take the lead

living in contrasts...

I believe we live our lives in front of backdrops of contrast.  It is not something you can explain.  It is a learning place where we so often rush by without notice.  And in those times when we are knocked to our knees in pain, we tend to lose our hope and even our faith.  If only we stop and take time to observe … If only we hold to our faith … If only we look full in the Face of God unashamed, the Mystery of life’s contrasts will only enhance our living a lifestyle of love.

Tomorrow they will be laying to rest a community hero, a police officer who was off duty Friday night out with his girlfriend when two young men chose them to die for money in their pockets.  Three generations of instincts kicked in as this policeman moved in front of his girlfriend while getting his piece to fire.  Three bullets to his head did not stop him from wounding the shooter.  After 24 hours of struggling through several strokes, the policeman walked into eternity.   Today I found out that this policeman’s choice of song to sing was Tim McGraw’s “Don’t Take the Girl”.  Almost 37 years… third generation policeman… working to get into the K-9 unit like his dad before him…  back in his old neighborhood… a man courting prospect of uniting with a woman… A life warm and bright against the backdrop of desperation and evil… This is an extraordinary event contrasting good and bad.

Then there are just plain ordinary life events.  I know of someone who goes MIA a lot.  I have tenaciously stood my ground and waited for his comeback.  I know the issues he is dealing with.  As the days stretch into a year, I wonder at my reasons for staying the course.  My gut and God-reaction says I need to prove trust.  What happens when he comes back?  Is he staying away because he thinks I won’t be there waiting? Or anger will be my first retort?  Of late I have boiled it down to contrast not conflict.  Sure, I would love to sit down and talk this out.  Sure, it is painful with all the terrible thoughts that pound in my brain.  All it is living a contrast of staying and leaving.  I refuse to do anything but stay.

Contrasts can inspire hope even if it doesn’t make sense.  I chose to live my love out tenaciously…even if it is excruciating.

words of affirmation ...

'The tongue has the power of life & death'
dialects:
*gratitude
*inspire courage / encourage
*words of praise
*kind words / said in kindness / not just what we say but how we say
*able to clear hurt & forgive
*affirmations of character & actions
*appreciation
*claim victory
*declaring His Attributes
*giving voice to what you delight & savor
*ask kind questions to avoid pressing your personality/behavior upon others

If one wishes to be a lover, he must look carefully at the words he uses when he talks to coworkers, neighbors, close friends, parents, former spouses, roommates, and the sales clerk at the local store. What I say and the way I say it will influence the climate of my relationships. Words of affirmation enhance relationships. Harsh, condemning words destroy relationships.

Remember, love is a choice. Choose to love others.
fr: ''The Five Love Languages for Singles'' by Gary Chapman

Q: How freely do you express words of affirmation in your relationships?
Q: Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking words of affirmation would be meaningful to that person?

~ * ~ * ~ * ~
My native love language is words of affirmation. I bask in the warmth of affirmations. I give out compliments all the time. I have learned from my Joy Journey to always delight and savor. It is my greatest strength to declare and stand firm on His Attributes. I am sensitive to the tone in which others speak. It says more than the actual words. I notice too that when I feel stretch thin and feel my love tank is empty, I tend to become quiet. I strongly despise people who spatter themselves all over me. They just take over like an elephant in a china shop when a meek and soft question would allow me to let them in. It is all about affirming words no matter if it is in the form of a question. I do have areas here that I want to improve especially when it comes to my eyes. My eyes tell too much and I hide them when the other person has hurt me or has annoyed me. To be a true lover, I must connect my eyes to what I say to empty the hurt and heal.

tank'en on love : place of beginning

liberty (noun)

~ freedom, independence, autonomy, liberation, right, authorization

"Our liberty is under God and can be found nowhere else. May our faith be...not merely stamped upon our coins, but expressed in our lives."~Peter Marshall, US Senate Chaplin after WWII

word slueth: aerate

from the horse's mouth ...

There is just something about getting it straight from the horse’s mouth.  I don’t like to get info from others second handed.  They often put their own spin on it.   I don’t like to have to make mental guesses to why someone acts the way they do.  I may act out in an entirely unusual way according to my own personal life experiences.  I need quality answers.  By having the channel open directly from the source, allows true answers to explain crazy actions.  No misunderstandings.  No guessing.  No anger for no reason…

a place of beginning ...

get a notebook ....
*Start where you are
*Be active not passive
*Choose a strategy for loving & expressing love

I love notebooks and I love lists. I am going to be more conscious. I recently had great success with hugs. Two ladies at church help chip away my fear. Because words offen get in the way, I choose to hug my dad. Our relationship is blossoming ...

I am excited to see what God will reveal in this mystery called love.

tank'en on love : covenant love

Covenant Love ...

blind love || Covenant Love
blind love = chemistry that sparks between two. All you see is perfection and none of the flaws.

Covenant Love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other's well-being.
fr: "The Five Love Languages for Singles" by Gary Chapman

Woo hoo, I am not blind to real essence of real love. Sure there where times where I was infatuated, but I have made a private covenant to love someone. I saw his flaws as well as his dreams. Let me tell you that it sure isn't fun right now. However, I see growth in me and I have to declare victory in that growth. Not blind when it comes to loving .... but I still have growth potential in touch ....

tank'en on love : relational creatures

relational creatures ...

We are relational creatures. All humans live in community, and most people seek social interaction. In Western culture, isolation is seen as one of the most stringent of punishments. Even criminals do not aspire to solitary confinement.

Positive, affirming relatinships bring great pleasure, but poor relationships bring deep pain. I would be so bold as to suggest that life's greatest happiness is found in good relationships, and life's deepest pain is found in bad relationships. If you feel loved by your mother, then the maternal relationship brings you a feeling of comfort and encouragement. On the other hand, if your relatiohsip with your mother is fractured, you probably suffer feelings of abandonment. If you were abused by your mother, you likely feel hurt and anger, maybe even hatred.

Another reality about relationships is that they are never static. All of experience chages in relationships, but few of us stop to analyze why a relationship gets better or worse.
fr: "The Five Love Languages for Singles" by Gary Chapman

What do I say? I have felt isolation as a little girl not having friends so my bike and my books became my place of excape. I felt isolated when I wanted to play in a neighborhood game but brother said I couldn't. I grew up in isolation as others around me found boyfriends then marriage and then families of there own. I have fought hard to reach out. Now as I have made friends isolations turns to abandonment. They leave me. My heart aches and arches against them as I scream out that I will not be where I am not wanted.

However, I choose to walk in soft beauty. I will continue to refine my loving. I will first love myself and tend to my heart's tears, but I will still reach out even when I am afraid of the bite that could come. I will entrust to God this journey I don't understand and the man I tried to touch. God promises to Guard what I give for that day. I am struggling with the waiting. Yet, I kneel in awe of empathy. I am returning to my journey of Joy. I turn my eyes to My Horizon. I delight and savor in Him.

tank'en on love : questions for five love languages

questions for five love languages ...

* Quality Time * Words of Affirmation *
* Gifts * Acts of Service * Physical Touch *
I read the first book "The Five Love Languages" and I kept it with my game plan for understanding myself and others. Along with it I keep the "Personality Profiles" and the "Seven Smarts". Because of my studies, we tend to favor one characteristic over the others but often we are a combination of all.

Q: As a parent shouldn't we express Love using all five languages to raise our children to be more rounded and fluent in Love? I am asking this only after expressing the child's primary love language first.

Q: As the receiver of your primary Love Language, woulded expression of the other languages round out love for you?

Q: I know of someone whose primary Love Language is Touch. Being millions of miles away, I could not express love in that way. I used all other languages but they did not seem to faze him even when I tried to incorporate touch in them. What is one to do? Especially, when he wasn't touched as a child and as an adult touch became a bad thing? I am not most fluent in Touch but I know it heals.

About Touch... Touch probaby comes last in my Love Languages. So when he said his Love Language was touch, I immediately opened up to his world. I wanted to understand it better. Deep in the corners of my heart a need to be touched screams in the dark. Lately, I have seen hugs say more than any word that can't come to mind can. I have always knew that touch was special if not down right sacred.

tank'en on love : search for meaning

search for meaning ...

Here I go AGAIN ... but it is my journey and I am admitting to wrestling with my God and this journey of abandment or singlehood ... whatever word works best. A name of a book made its perch in my head. So off to the library I went to find it. As thoughts twirled about, what do I see at a church on my book trip? A car decorated with just married in the rear view mirror. Yeah, like that will ever happen in my life! No, I don't care about the wedding ... it is the journey of two people traveling this life adventure together is what I think I was made for and has eluded me.

Happy to find my book, my thoughts are that I am NOT finding another self help book in finding true love. Rather the reading of this book is to live more FULLY my single life. I have prayed that God would shut off this want to be on a team of two. He said no. I would love to go about my life unafraid and without care of this need that burns inside. He said no. He said that empathy is a gift He gives and Love is the fuel of life.

What you focus on expands. So my focus is going to shift to loving those who are brought into my life. My team will be God and I. (About abandment? He is still cherished in my heart and I will still be here... He was a good gift that came into my life ... huge doubt that is goodbye forever ...)

'' ... as a single adult you want to feel loved by the significant people in your life. You also want to believe that someone needs your love. Giving and receiving love is at the center of the single adult's sense of well-being. If you feel loved and needed, you can survive the pressures of life. Without love, life can becaome exceedingly bleak.

Love is the fundamental building block of all human relationships. It will greatly impact our values and morals. ... love is the most important ingredient in the ... search for meaning.
fr: "The Five Love Languages for Singles" by Gary Chapman

loving (an action) => meaningful life

a perfect spring day ...

I am a lover of all four seasons. (I cannot stand moaners who slash any weather but a nice summer day.) I like the different holidays and the weather clothes these different passings. (Christmas is a chilly warm holiday with snow and woolen mittens. To experience a hot Christmas on a beach in Australia at that castle 'someone special' told me about would absolutely blow my mind.) Oh, back to the Northern Hemi ... Today was a perfect spring day.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was quite sad about the trees. They were looking old and heavy. They seemed at odds with the world with their naked branches in a tangled fight with each other. I chastised my ugly thinking. I shot back that it isn't winter nor is it spring rather it somewhere in-between.

Happy to say spring has arrived with it's warm cool breezes. Rains have nourished the weary dormant grass into a deep green. The trees have freshed up and are wearing the bright green of newly hatched baby leaves. Bushes have flowered in canary yellow. Cherry trees and other flowering trees have brought out there fairy dresses of all shades of white to pink to fusha. The clouds are more fluffy and cottony. What a beautiful surprise! Thank You, Awesome Creator of all seasons. I am in awe! Love You, right back!!!

moment captured : last snow

aerate (verb)

~ ventilate, air, let breathe, expose, freshen, circulate air, refresh, revive, neaten

I hate the word change.  It gives me bad ‘heebee geebees’!  Aerate is better … it is like taking winter toes out of woolen socks … stretching them out and letting fresh air tickle and excite for a new adventure ...

word sleuth: blook

aerate to breathe ...

Well, I did it … not sure that I want to admit to this but I have been upset for so long about this guy who chooses to be absent in my life.  A couple of years ago I tried out the personality profile on eharmony to see if what I was feeling inside about myself was accurate.  I revisited last night to round out my profile but really to aerate the darkness I feel.

I already have a formula set in the deepest part of my heart to know the future Mr. Keeper when he comes walking into my world.  It is a life philosophy of sorts and it fits quite well with what I want and need.  

I am most proud of my listening to God’s voice when I was friends with this absent man.  When I look back, I know I gave the best I could.  I thought I wasn’t hearing God’s voice about this guy recently, but I very sure that He has been saying ‘wait’… The most recent whisper to wait was from a co-worker.  We were in a discussion of failed marriages.  His one comment stopped me:  “People give up way too quickly.  There are parts in a human heart that no book or no therapy session is going to fix only God can unlock and it might take awhile.  The other person has to be empty of trying to fix and simply wait.”

I have been hurting a very long time.  I refuse to let anyone even absence take way my journey of joy.  I am emptying out my hurt and getting back to the basics of my personal journey.   I choose to create passion by falling deeper in love with my infatuation of paint and words. 

So why go back to eharmony and fine tune my profile especially since I probably won’t subscribe? Because I have traveled a rough road these pass few years and there are things I know for sure.  I saying them aloud for myself … aerate to breathe… to grow back my heart bigger and better …  Life is a journey and it is good to see others of substance on good paths … a form of encouragement …

you the gift ...

in the words of Ellen Burstein, actress :

If you don't give yourself,
you rob the world of you!

If you don't bring what is within you,
what is within you will destroy you!

Bringing forth what is in you, saves you!

layers: where two or three travel

pain > Easter = REDEMPTION

He created us unique individuals with unique dreams for this world. He loved us. He provided for us. He died for us. He redeemed us if only we accept. He took on our pain and continues to take on our pain.

This week has been a huge heavy fog for me. I felt like I was sliding backwards. Everything around me was chaos. I was quite frustrated. I felt closed off from His Voice and it was my own fault even though it seemed others where pushing me. The weekend was such a relief to feel good and more focused. But it is Easter and nothing profound seemed to be Spoken...

Wait .... maybe He is speaking about pain. How Jesus has felt every pain we humans face every day. He knows all too well. I am seeing and understanding clearly how He has felt separation, divorce, absence ... you name it, He has felt it.

So what does His Pain mean? And what does it have to do with Easter? Jesus went through intense pain spiritually, emotionally, and mentally in the Garden ... so much so it caused physical pain. Then He had to indure physically torture beyond our imagination to redeem us. Then Easter came. That is our Hope and our Horizon when we endure this earthly pain. No matter what form it takes, our hope is in the Lord.

diverticulitis ...

My mother is dealing with a very several infection due to diverticulitis. Being a health nut of late I was not satisfied with answers or the lack of answers the doctor was giving my mother. I decided that I would do research and figure this out. I ask a ton of questions and if you can't give me a solid answer than I keep on searching. This is my mother and I think our systems are similiar. So if I know how this terrible thing starts, I have a fighting chance to not let this occur in me. Plus, if my mom can fuction pain free and live without reoccurence, then I will be a happy camper.

in my own words my findings:
What is diverticulitis?
Diverticulitis is where the walls in the intestines and colon are weak and develop sacks where old food sits and festers. Infection begins.

How does diverticulitis begin?
I have never heard of diverticulis and I want to know how it starts. This is theory only, but I think it is pretty right on especially after becoming a Zone-aholic. Diverticulitis seemed to be first noticed in the early 1900's when processed foods became available to American diet. These processed foods are high in sugar and are so refined there is little of the natural fiber for digestion. So the food becomes slow moving through the intestines allowing bacteria to sit. Often constipation makes the muscles strain too hard. It is the main cause for pressure on the colon.

How do you prevent diverticulitis?
Being allergic to 36 foods and now a Zoner, eating a balance of protein, carbs, fats, and omegia fish oil will keep me from inflammation. However, the key of my food intake and prevention of diverticulitis comes from avoiding the 36 foods. My carbs are fruits and veggies the key to getting the best fiber in my diet. Fiber does not lie in grains like most people believe. Our grains today are so refined they are the problem.

However, after all my readings I am still concerned about my own intestines. I feel toned every where else but my stomach. Am I at the point for a colon detox?

How to heal Mom?
She is taking antibotics, but the inflammation has been going on a long time now. If the antibotics don't work, she is headed for surgery. This stuff is fatal if not fixed. I am very concerned. To my humble understand, this sounds similiar to the apendix bursting. The infection can come out those weak spots of the intestine. Not good when infection gets free into the body like that.

How to get her to eat the way to keep her intestines healthy?
She has been told to say away from nuts and popcorn. But I do not think this is the answer. It is saying well you have this problem and you will have to deal with it. Sure, to a point..... I feel that once she is healthy, she should move to eating like me and eat up on her fruits and veggies. Tall order ... she does not like veggies ..... but maybe I will get some headway with fruit.

here is more info on diverticulitis
mad chow: hard work payoff

100 things to do in Australia ...

       001 - Overload your senses
       002 - Dive into the GBR
       003 - Find freedom on the Big Lap
       004 - Visit the remarkable pebble
       005 - Climb the Coathanger
       006 - Cruise the Kimberleys
       007 - Visit Ningaloo Reef
       008 - Explore Sydney Harbour
       009 - Drive along a 75-mile beach
       010 - Drive the Great Ocean Road
       011 - Our oldest living museum
       012 - Sail the Whitsundays
       013 - Time’s nearly up at the Top
       014 - Go Walkabout
       015 - Take in an Opera at the House
       016 - Visit the home of Aussie Rules
       017 - Go bush for a week
       018 - Spy a platypus in the wild
       019 - Conquer the Gibb River Road
       020 - Peak at Cradle Mountain
       021 - Be the Man From Snowy River
       022 - Stay at a great Aussie Pub
       023 - Swim with Dolphins
       024 - See an Indian Ocean sunset
       025 - Have a whale of a time
       026 - Paddle the mighty Murray
       027 - Meander the Katherine Gorge
       028 - See the oldest art in the world
       029 - Explore the Flinders Ranges
       030 - Rediscover Mungo Man
       031 - Follow the Nullarbor
       032 - Do some time at Port Arthur
       033 - Venture into Arnhem Land
       034 - Shed an ANZAC tear at dawn
       035 - Catch the sun’s first rays
       036 - Take a rest on Lord Howe
       037 - Parade with the penguins
       038 - Noodle for opals
       039 - Have a flutter at Flemington
       040 - Explore the nation’s capital
       041 - Take a Cable Beach camel ride
       042 - Experience a waterless regatta
       043 - Line the streets for Mardi Gras
       044 - Bound over to Kanga Island
       045 - Play with the Devil’s Marbles
       046 - Magnificent Macquarie Harbour
       047 - Betting at Birdsville
       048 - Board our Great Train Journey
       049 - Get a raw hide
       050 - Visit the Green Room
       051 - Visit Australia’s Bay of Fires
       052 - Walk the line at Kings Canyon
       053 - Ride the world’s steepest railway
       054 - Walk Our Greatest Bushwalk
       055 - Grab a seat at the Slam
       056 - See the sculptures at sunset
       057 - March with 100 million crabs
       058 - Wipe out or win through
       059 - Cook a barbie on the beach
       060 - Retrace our tragic Great Race
       061 - Trek the Larapinta
       062 - Go on an Aussie safari
       063 - Dine on Gourmet Island
       064 - Sip from the big Wineglass
       065 - Immerse yourself in Europe
       066 - Catch a barra at Lake Awoonga
       067 - Stand at Eureka Stockade
       068 - Fire up with sugar cane
       069 - Get country in Tamworth
       070 - See Florences spell
       071 - Sun yourself with seals
       072 - Perouse Botany Bay
       073 - Ride round Rotto
       074 - Soar into Seven Spirit Bay
       075 - Feel like fish bait
       076 - Savour Margaret's wine
       077 - Have lunch with a croc
       078 - Retrace old tin head
       079 - Watch native surfing
       080 - Wind through the Tablelands
       081 - Pad up with Bradman
       082 - Take a long reach back
       083 - Eat crayfish on Thursday
       084 - Dance with the Devil
       085 - See the wildlife on Bondi
       086 - Follow the French Line
       087 - Navigate the Yarra Valley
       088 - Bathurst Island Footy Final
       089 - Ooze along a lava tube
       090 - Play captain on the Hawkesbury
       091 - Relive Sydney’s Olympic history
       092 - Hang out at Old Melbourne Gaol
       093 - Drive the Savannah Way
       094 - Oysters at Constitution Dock
       095 - Explore our maritime history
       096 - Pinch yourself at the Pinnacles
       097 - Shelter at Mawson’s Huts
       098 - Go uderground at Mount Isa
       099 - Be Manly on the Beach
       100 - Shop till you drop in Melbourne

taken from: the Australian Traveller
check here ----^ for great armchair travel or for planning the real thing!

1st basket ...

I was so happy to reflect back on my first night of basket weaving and to find I hadn't been muddled in dark thoughts of lost friends and loved ones in pain. Now that I am seated to write out this latest victory, I should have done a happy dance. Hmm, but I am doing a happy finger dance instead right now sharing the moment with you!

A girlfriend at work wanted to make baskets but I didn't want to mess up my painting or writing with another hobby. I already have so much I want to get done with no time to get it done. I made a rule that I would only basket weave on these nights and owning such a small space, these baskets could be gifts. After tonight I can keep the first rule, but the second part will be difficult as there where so many baskets that would be useful around the house.

There where three of us girls. One a bit more loud who took the edge off for me so I could sit back and work. We got to pick two accent colors. If you know my decorating style well, you know I wanted it to be red and blue so it will fit perfectly in my house.

Wooo hoooo!!! {happy dance} I am a proud owner of a self handmade medium size basket!!!!!!! To top it off when I get it stained, I can paint on the soft wood part of the basket!!!! I just love being able to incorparate my love of paint onto the lastest creative craft.

The biggest gift of all tonight was that while I was learning something new, I forgot all about the trouble that was whirling around my insides!!!!!!!

where two or three travel ...

When it comes to the many journeys on our path of life, I have a theory that is proving painfully true.  There are two sides to every journey you travel even if you are the only one traveling a lone trail.  If you do not allow both sides to journey and grow together, the marriage or relationship falls apart because someone has left the other behind.  You wake up one day to find that you are in a different place alone.  I am pretty confident that God did not design journeys and adventures to break us from our relationships.

In a journey of physical pain you begin to feel very isolated and detached from your family and the things you once did.  It is good to communicate this isolation so that your support system can better keep you in the loop of things and to take the pressure off of having to be at special events when you just can’t handle it physically.

In a journey of emotional/spiritual wrestling with God, you feel faithless and swear that God isn’t listening.  Who better to get assurance than to go to a fellow believer so that they can get on the spiritual warpath of prayer on your behalf?  No, they cannot get into the ‘holy mud pit’ with you and they shouldn’t even try.  However, in my experience they have gone taken themselves from me.  I don’t even know how to pray for them any more.  My own heart becomes heavy because I have missed out on their journey and with the absence, who is to say we will be in the same place when they come back?

In a journey of a spiritual quest like a mission trip, most understand the need of prayer support.  On the flipside the prayer support is a learning process.  From experience my prayer had very little heart beat until most recently.  My prayers have come more alive.  Declaring His Attributes has blown me away.  Here in this journey type often there are outcomes of different places.  Yet, if you are barbaric in prayer, I have great hope the journey’s end finds you in the same place.

Journeys are definitely God-Made to share with others.  If you exclusively travel it alone, you have taken a special gift and opportunity away from those that support you.

Rhinos can't see 30ft in front of them. But rhinos run together full force. In plural form rhinos are known as crash ~ tBW

take the lead ...

Of course I would go see this movie! It is about dance transforming lives! Yup, I give movie a 9.9 rating.

"Everyone deserves culture." Dancing teaches you how to treat another human being. A man can learn how to touch a woman in the correct way. A woman can find her confidence and not allow herself to be used.

It is very moving. Sure there may be many stories made to movies where a teacher transforms his students or a coach transforming his players. But we need these stories to grow on. We need to learn how to touch our world. So keep making these stories. Every human is valuable.

movie review: 8* below

God divorced Jesus! did you know?

* I know of someone who has decided to divorce her alcoholic husband. She has been separating her money from his and has added a second job to her already full plate. She will finish this semester of school but won't be going back in the fall. She tried theraphy and decided it wasn't for her. Instead she is journaling. At this time she is angry but it has helped to get her moving and not wallowing. She has a huge support system of girls. With each disclosure to her personal hell, she is finding that there is support.

!¡ I believe angry helps you move to where you need to go, where sadness and depression just leave you powerless. I have experienced both emotions so angry ain't so bad after all.

!¡ I believe 'shrinks' are NOT for everyone. There are other 'theraphy' out that works like writing about it. It allows your soul and emotions breath. I was once told to go to a shrink ... I refused. Now I know for sure that a shrink would have harmed my journey into Joy.

!¡ I still strongly believe in marriage and I will not allow another divorce distroy it. Marriage is the picture of God Warrior and God Beauty. I got to 'see' it briefly. I still hope ... I still dream .. I still long for it ... However, I am thankful for the fullness of me that I have found in this single journey.

!¡ I know it to be true that Jesus experienced divorce first hand! On the cross God turned His Back on His Only Begotten Son ... divorcing Him from Himself. Can you imagine that the Almighty Who is with us Always removing His Presence from us? How Great is the Love God has given us to have made such a Provision. I know it to be true that Jesus can carry us through any journey even when it involves separation. He knows every emotion....

I know of someone : I thought I was the only one

i thought i was the only one ...

who knew someone ...

* I know someone who’s probably hurting all by himself all alone in a sea of people, who I want to reach out to but he doesn’t let me and I think others do to but maybe it’s something he needs to ride out himself and maybe one day I will see the man I once knew for the briefest of flashes but got to know.

*I know someone who doesn’t let anyone in, really, even people she knows well, but is another lovely person and has loads of friends and who I wanted to get to know but she wouldn’t let me and I wasted more units on her than she will ever know and I did everything by the rules, for once, and for what it was worth nothing came of it and so she makes me sad when I see her and it makes me sad that you can try so much and be so nice and that people forget there is no such thing as a free lunch and sometimes you just want to be nice and sometimes you just want to talk to someone who you are starting to get to know and want to get to know them better because you can see that part of them is like part of you and so they will know, really understand, really truly understand, some things in your life and who you are and who you just want to sit down with and talk to and nothing happens and sometimes makes you feel empty and wonder what everything is all about and why you makes so much effort and whether you should just let go of everything, everything, everything since there is nothing left at all, despite what others might think and others might see and others might hear.
:|||written by Chis |||:

small world isn't it?

when faint ...

She cried herself to sleep.  She tries to avoid chattering about him to God right before bedtime because of the frustration it causes inside.  Tonight the build up was too much.  Soon tears began to flow.

 She knows that her journey is a path of oneness with her God and she wants to walk contented.  The ache is still there for love.  Coming to her Heavenly Father she can hide in His Everlasting Arms.  She knows His Heart is pained as He collects her tears.  She feels His Presence in His Hug.

 Even though she will feel the cry tomorrow in her head, she will feel better from the cleansing.  The tears needed to come.  Who better to confide her faintness than the One who designed her path and who can make her steps sure?

. . . though none go with me, still I will follow . . .

When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is You who knows my journey.
(ps 142:3)

hard work payoff ...

“The one comment and question I get about changing my eating habits to avoid all 36 food allergies are ‘Its too hard’ and ‘Are you still avoiding the food allergies?’ 

 I often wonder why others don’t make firm life changes when it comes down to chronic diseases and cancer.  Maybe my life change came from the excruciating headache pain that would affect my mood and my vision.  I know that before I knew the cause of the headaches, my progress for eating healthy was a very slow process.  I made small healthy habits.  Only after this wake up call did I make huge and sweeping healthy habits. 

 The initial step was the hardest but I was determined to survive!  After totally restocking my kitchen did I find that it isn’t that hard,” she thought aloud.

 “When it comes to making good changes in your life or to conquer an ambition, growth is going to be hard work.  Once in the development, growth proves not so hard after all.  Only gets better here on out,” he summed it up nicely.

 “Moving from strength to strength,” she said as her heart felt satisfied.

 Mad chow : abundance

God-Given Courage ...

She woke with a ‘pattern feeling’ of journey alone.  She knows she is a survivor but she has been wrestling God over her future.  Over her lifetime friends come and they go.  Boys never where interested in her.  She was as one invisible.  Only now is she beginning to attract unwanted attention. Where are the storybook friends and the prince in shining armor?

 Wanting to shake off this feeling, she started chattering to God during her morning routine.  Calling upon the verse ‘Wait on the Lord; Be of Good Courage & He will strengthen your heart.’ (ps 27:14)  Soon her day took over her time with God.

 As she laid her head upon her pillow that night, she sent her gratitude to God for encouraging her that day.  Her head was already filling up with all kinds of creative ideas.  Her God had surprised her with something new for her personal endeavors!  How much more intimate to be encouraged from an out of the blue moment with God than to demand His performance in a ‘fleece moment’!

Dearest Lover of my soul,
When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my journey. (ps 142:3) You have gone before me and You walk with me. You take discouragement from me and allow me to fill up on Your Good-Courage. (duet 31:8) You love me like no other. I love You. Thank You.
~always your little girl

blook (noun)

{bluk}; A printed and bound book based on a blog.

'The Blooker' {The Lulu Blooker Prize} a literary prize founded in 2005 for blooks

I was so excited to hear the annoucement for the 2006 Blooker Awards today! Plus, I learned something new!!! A new dawn for writers and for books. Got some major excitement in my camp!!!!

Dwell in possiblity!!!

lulu.com
the lulu blooker prize
word sleuth : love barbaric

loving & losing him ...

Screech of tires …
Scuffing of a yellow Harley being laid down in the road gravel …
Thud of a body hitting a car …
Helmetless …
Eerie stillness …

The phone call made … she drops to her knees.

Oh Lord,
I don't understand. He's gone! I needed more time. No, he needed more time to come to You. I am Yours but this wonderful man that I married, just needed more time. I tried to be the good wife. I tried to reflect Your Light. He would come to church with me from time to time. He did good things. He loved me and my two kids. He still was very much apart of his own kids lives. He was always helping our neighbors and our friends who might need this or that.

It is a hard yoke to bear to be a christian and him not ready to do so. I so wanted him to listen to Your knock. I so wanted him to come to You and make You his Lord and Savior. I prayed soooo hard.... now death has taken him from me!!!! I hurt so bad!
~ a heartsick wife

My child,
I do understand. I too wanted him to come to Me. Yes, he is a wonderful man and he took care of his children and you. You loved hard and well. Yes, your yoke was hard to bear.

I too carry a yoke with every lost soul. I know the 'unevenly yoke' quite well. I continue to prove My Love to each and every human. I only can carry the uneven yoke. I did so with the Cross. I weep for every child who wanders. Every day is the Garden all over again. I know your pain. I live your pain.

Hide yourself in My Everlasting Arms. My yoke is easy to bear. I am your Refuge, Shield, and Defender. Let me catch your tears.
~ Jesus, nail scarred hands for you

love barbaric (verb)

Somehow love incites both love & hate with equal force. The mission of Christ would be so easy to embrace & carry out if love always resulted in love, but it does not. It seems the world insists that love be proved. So then those who claim love are required to endure hate's most brutal tests (rejection, suffering, persecution, & death). ~tBW

Dearest God the Father who allowed His Son to be rejected and suffered until death all for the sake of proving Your Love,
What an awesome task to take on! Oh, how frail we are! Only in Your Everlasting Arms can we be safe and full of Joy even in persecution! As I prayed for Abdul Rahman, I knew of the persecution that would follow him. He knew as well. Your Hand was there to change hearts and to hide Abdul until he reached safe land. I put myself there... asking myself what would I do? What should I have hidden in my heart to endure? I will continue to ask...

Thank You for prayer! It has so changed my life. Prayer is not a list of wants or needs rather it is connection between believers and declaring Your Attributes. Thank You for such a journey and an epiphany!!
~always your little girl

layers : christian convert
layers : love
word sleuth : april

april - (verb)

comes from the latin verb aperio which means 'to open'.

whatever the season, bloom!

word sleuth: worship

cyclone glenda ...

She was just getting her morning cuppa green tea when she heard another cyclone was hitting Australia.  She whipped her head around to the tv to see where it was to hit land.  The silent he lived there and her heart still was moved by memories of him.  It wasn’t where it was going to hit, but the name of the cyclone that made her gasp aloud. 

 An unusual name but very fitting!  Though he hides out, the ‘Dark Valley’ seeks out.  How ironic of a cyclone to mirror the feelings of hurt that have been devastating her very being. How fitting to name a cyclone hitting Oz ... glenda.

christian convert ...

Looking at the world since 911, the dispute between the muslim religion and muslim extremists have been told over and over that the core of muslim religion is not violent. Of course there will be those extremists in every religion that will give a bad name to it. But for a generalization isn't all religions supposed to be based on love?

"Abdul Rahman must be killed. Islam demands it," said senior Cleric Faiez Mohammed

As the world watches the fate of Abdul Rahman, the muslim religion is showing how its true colors. And it is pretty black and white, isn't it?

when the stars go blue ...

''I am sorry I gotta get be home by 5PM. Dad will be home and that is our time to eat supper together. You know the story,'' Mom said.

''You got it. I promise to have you home.'' The daughter knew of this phenomenon with her parents. Her mother had told her a few years ago. Sometimes it frustrated her yet she had come to this understanding to allow for her parents their time. She would probably never ever experience this in her life so it was something to marvel and entertain her thoughts...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ''I think it would be neat to have some kind of gathering of my girlfriends when their kids get a bit older to catch up on old times and vacation together,'' the daughter was saying over lunch.

Mom couldn't make it so it was a conversation between father and daughter. ''I wouldn't want your mother to go off on a vacation like that ... It is to hard. I'm not even looking forward to D.C. work trip,'' Dad piped in. (He loves history)

''Yeah, it would be more fun to enjoy it with her,'' the daughter quickly added. She knew he didn't like being away from Mom. It isn't that they are joined at the hip. It is just something of a phenomenon that happens to married couples that have made their marriage work for over 20 plus years.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * This phenomenon of not being comfortable without your spouse even for a couple of nights or even on Sundays when one is working and the other is home alone when it is the usual family day occurs most often in the older generations. You often see it when a spouse quickly dies soon after their spouse dies. You might think this odd. But when you look at the years they spent making a marriage stick and work, you begin to see this phenomenon as maybe a good thing.

Having this separation aniexty won't be common place in the younger generations as the women either find their own standing on this world by the roles they have or be forced to live a single lifestyle. Kinda sad to think it out like this.

When you look at marriage it is really two people coming together to make a unit. It is like forming a new person in the ways two people mesh together. Interesting to find that ache to have that phenomenon deep inside but it is there ... isn't it?

. . . when the stars go blue ... i'll follow you . . .

a relationship building block ...

''If your brother sins , rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.
If he sins against you, seven times in a day,
and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,'
forgive him.''
Luke 17: 3-4

Dear Heavenly Father,
This sounds like it is ok to bring up the offensive and not sit on it or run away. So it is ok to tell her she hurt me by not listening? and it will bring a better atmosphere to work in? I will try to live this one out and I come to You and ask for meekness. I am expectant to see this build up the work relationship. Thank You.
~ always your child

*Calling attention to an abuse & forgiving them is a buildling block strengthing a relationship.

*No repentance = still forgive them for they know not what they do (Jesus' ultimate example @ the cross.)

*Repentance = forgive 7 x 70 & embrace

on this day ...

My dear child,
Ahhh, when you burst forth on this earth, your parents love to tell it and you love to hear it. It was a stormy night with thunder but by morning there was a light dusting of snow on the ground and your daddy gave your mom tulips. Those tulips came up every year. Yes, before your parents knew you where coming, I had thought of you. I tucked dreams and a purpose inside of your heart ready to unfold in this earth much like the crocus that come up this time of year bursting forth through a bit of snow to show their brillant color for the promise of spring.

What makes Me beam is that you are eager to learn. Yes, you have shed many hot and painful tears because the bar seemed soooo high, but I wiped every tear away. Look you have seen such Joy. Your prayer life has exploded and you walk closer to me. You have fallen deeper in love with Me each day. Your heart is bigger too. Your sight is clearer. No, I know you want to see more but in time, My girl. You enjoy all the Windows to your soul. You are so expectant and I know you will not be disappointed as I have more Good Gifts to give you.

I sought you out. I call you Beautiful Joyful One. I am a Proud Father. Continue to Wait on Me. Continue to Taste all I have for you. Your heart is being Strengthen. I LOVE you!!!!!! Huge Huggers from My Everlasting Arms.
~ always the Rock of Ages

to matter ...

What haunts me is these simple words ' to matter ' . When excepting her Oscar for playing June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, Reece Wetherspoon brought to the world's attention that she felt the same sentiment that June did. She wanted to matter. She echoed loud and clear this simple but profound ache in all women.

Just to matter to someone ... Just to matter enough to make a difference in this world ...

To matter is a value we so often throw away by our indifference and our lack of empathy towards others.

her dark birth days ...

It is sunny out. Birds are singing. The chill is still holding on and the only brave souls are the crosuses that brust forth in their bright yellow and purple blooms this time every year. But if you pull back the first layer of earth you will see her.

She is there with the huge hole the size of a dinner plate in chest. Her eyes are red and dark circles can be seen. Tears have left gullys down her cheeks. You don't see her in this condition in full sunshine. Mostly she has put away her sack cloth. Joy is her new name and she mostly walks in sunshine. It is the season that is gripping her in this vice. It is birthday season. More exact it was his birthday and she did not attempt a gift but a subject line to wish him well.

Even a woman child knows the value of someone's birthday. Pulling up old emails proved again the sadness she feels. He went on and described the homemade card he recieved in '03 and then really spoke of his feelings in great detail of the gift he recieved in '04. It wasn't the kudos she was looking for but rather the feelings of importance he felt that he didn't deserve.

Something happened somewhere along the '05 timeline. She has video tape running constantly looking for the glitch. She still hasn't found it. Personal things like his job was tearing him up again. Then he left small breadcrumbs of spiritual things till he pulled away entirely. Reruns of his dreams and nightmares have consume and plague her. The mystery continues.

In order not to obsess she took word from two songs God-Sent back in February. It was ok to put him in a niche and keep him in prayer, but to get on with life. But like dealing with death memories haunt her. She feels crazy. She knows what lies deep in her heart but to others he wasn't really there. Living oceans apart no one knew him the way she did.

My dear child,
I know ... I saw the two of you walking together for a spell. I know your pain. I am in your pain. I know you believe this worse than death. I know you want to see what is in store for the both of you. Remember that I want to be your Horizon. Remember I have gone before you and I walk with you. Yes, you loved him hard and deeply. You gave what your little heart could. I designed your meeting. I knew you had a lot to give him and he to you. Keep those close. Remember back to all those gifts and letters? Did you not move to what you thought I said to you to send? Did you not design all of them to be kept and read in times of trouble? No, I cannot reveal to you what is going on on the other side of the world. But you know I am there ... keeping him as I you. I love you and I love him. Wait on Me and be of good courage... for I make your heart strong.
~always your Heavenly Father

she:
pezzi:misses you

for His Good Pleasure ...

He is good natured with a full smile beaming from His whole being. Hmm, that must be His Cloud of Glory that surrounds Him. Pleasure is of Heaven and a gift not just reserved to Him but given to us as well. A Pleasure not soiled by 'earthly glutton ways'.

His Pleasure is the perfect form of enjoyment, happiness, Joy, bliss, contentment, satisfaction, and yes even gratification. A Pleasure that is full and never empty.

Being the Creator of Life, He breathed this gift of Pleasure into our beings as a give and take between the created and the Creator.

After giving up the struggle of life and taking on this marvelous adventure, Joy seeps into the depths of our hearts and soon we know intimately that Joy of the Lord is truly Strength. You can't help but delight and savor in all the wondrous creations He created. You can't help but feel content in His Everlasting Arms. You can't help but feel renewed even when lifestorms crash and beat upon your Strong Tower. You can't help but feel sought out and kept safe by your Rock when all else shifts.

Yes, the created are for His Good Pleasure. Walking in His Pleasure gives the Creator Pleasure. He beams with a righteous pride and indeed being His creation and feeling His smile you can't help but glow.

take away = abundance!

I have discovered that taking away in turn gives me abundance!  Now isn’t that funny math! 

Taking away the chocolate, I am falling more heavily in love with blueberries and blackberries.  Taking away the sugar gives me  honey, unsweetened applesauce and prunes with added dimensional flavor of sweet that suits me better.  Taking away rice gives me  barley that has  better nutrients and a lower GI.  Taking away wheat gives me oatmeal with a crunch in my homemade granola.  I could go on and on …

 With the taking away I am discovering an abundance of flavors and good foods for me.  This was not a death sentence but rather a wake up call to better eating habits and a healthy lifestyle.  The biggest abundance of all is a lot more headache free days!  Now that is worth it!

mad chow: the zone

misses you ...

''Never shall I forget the days I spent with you.
Continue to be my friend
as you shall always find me yours.''
~ beethoven

''To touch the soul of another human being
is to walk on holy ground.''
~ stephen covey

''The better part of one's life
consists of his friendships.''
~ Abraham Lincoln

God created you and sent you here to earth on this day. I was priviledge to get to know you and your deepest dreams. Somehow I lost you and I miss you. Oh, the days we spent ... I still cherish....

pezzi: butterflies in absence?

a mallard morning ...

After 'majorly noisy' thunderstorms and massive amounts of rain overnight, pools of standing water littered the sides of the roads on the way to work this morning.  What was pretty cool was papa and mama mallard ducks had claimed these pools taking in the new day.  What an Awesome Creator!!! This is the day the Lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad.

moment captured: last snow

butterflies in absence?

I have been going through the stories of the Bible looking for butterflies in absence. What does God really think about someone who pulls away from humanity? I know that no other fills me like the Presence of God. He never fails me. Yet even if you pull yourself from others for long periods of time even to find yourself, is God in that? Is He ok with that?

Adam was created alone in the garden. God was with him yet God created woman as a helpmate. Here lies my biggest proof that God created us human beings as relational.

Here is one for thought: Jesus in the Garden told his disciples to wait and pray for Him. He went off by Himself to wrestle in prayer with His Heavenly Father over the upcoming torture and death. It was something He had to do alone. Yet, He had asked His disciples to watch in prayer. Something that echos 'where two or three are gathered'. Instead of finding them praying, they had fallen asleep. How utterly alone He had to have felt even though the was Jesus. He came to earth to feel the pain ... to feel the aloneness ... to bear our burdens.

I just feel in the the very depths of my soul we are not to cut off all human contact! Jesus had with him a group to keep watch in prayer. Sure God is our truest Shield and Defender but we are designed to have a barbaric tribe! Who will pray for you if you banish yourself to your garden to wrestle with God?

I am just musing ... wondering ...

Like always balance is key. I must commune with God and with others.

pezzi: how long O Lord?

the Zone ...

I have been having great mental days headache free. I am happier and even keel. However, something isn't right. My stomach just doesn't feel right and I am gaining weight there. My food allergies are forcing me to eat extremely well but mentally my brain is saying eat, eat, eat! I have always wanted to eat well and I have read up on Dr. Perricone's Wrinkle Cure. I do believe he is right about inflammatory foods and how they cause disease. I have been gone back to his book to survive cutting out the old food and adding new ones. Something was missing and the research was on.

I found what I was missing. The Zone diet follows the concept of limiting the inflammatory foods or the high GI foods, but I gave me a formula so to speak to balance out my eating correctly. This is the hope I needed.

the basics
*Proteins should be eaten with every meal and snack.
*Protein should be no bigger than the size and thickness of your palm.
*Fiber rich veggies and fruit should be 2x the size of the protein.

I have been researching online, but Dr. Sears website keeps freezing my computer. I haven't gotten the book ... yet. I heard it is a hard read but I might just get it. No matter what I am armed with the right formula now .... and after a small adjustment or maybe the hope made my day feel and go better.

Dearest Husbandman,
I am back in a similiar place. I know this place. I have been here before. When I lost my job, I gave You the credit for taking me out of a place that was sucking my character dry. I couldn't take myself out of it, but You did. Here and now I am back.

I have always wanted to eat well. I have made small steps with the good habits like taking out the cake for breakfast and adding oatmeal. But You had other plans. The 36 food allergies I have has changed my life forever and quite drastically I might add! I have to give You the credit for making this huge change in my life. I know I could never have given up on chocolate all by myself. I know I have a problem of gobbling up a good thing. Now I have to savor more those small bites of pleasure.

Looking into the haze of the future, I think You ... no, I know You saved me from possible diabetes. I have a lot to teach my family ... not sure they will follow. They keep saying 'I couldn't do it'. Great Teacher, I invite Your patient and gentle ways in how I eat around my family that they might want to change too.

Again, Thank You for loving me soooo much to care and intervine in my life.
~always your little girl

mad chow: lemon bread flop

the wellspring picture ...

I work best with a picture. As I was listening to someone talk about inspiration, he mentioned something that triggered a picture for me. 'Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life' prov 4: 2-3 has been haunting me. Now I am armed with this picture:

My heart is a very deep and crystal smooth pool of water. It is my job to let no one, no thing, or no event distrub the stillness of this pool of water. No dirt or stones allowed whether it comes in the form of misconduct or anger. This picture is powerful mental tool to balance my life.

Indeed I am much happier and more content when all is peaceful and still in my heart.

lemon bread flop ...

I have a favorite simple recipe for lemon bread. It tastes so gooooooood. I tried to remake it tonight . Instead of sugar I used apple sauce and instead of the flour, ground up oatmeal and used some soy flour. I think I could have baked it alllllll night and it would still be uncooked in the center. Instead of the yummy lemony taste, I could taste salt! I did not put salt in the recipe! Well, good bye lemon bread! I will have to ask for it it in Heaven. At least I have a mean apple crisp I still can enjoy!!!!

mad chow: cc -> headaches

truest & deepest dimensions ...

Ernest Hemingway during WWI came very close to death. He felt that it set him apart from the rest of the human race for the remainder of his life. ... From this, Hemingway derived a formula for his novels: Put a good man into a situation where he comes face-to-face with death - ... . Then you will see him in his truest and deepest dimensions. You will find out just how good he really is. The trial will not make or break him, it will reveal him fr: chp 1 of ''Waiting'' by Ben Patterson

Wow, I really had to think about this and it can really make you sweat. What if you don't come through it well? What if you squealed in terror and cried all the way home? No, truly be honest here.... How often have I beat myself up for not handling something with grace? How often have I tried to empathized with another who is struggling and wonder how would I fare? I look at my waiting ... and I know I have very childlike behavior and questions ...

last snow?

The snow had begun the early evening before. Wet heavy flakes never stopped and I took my morning commute in a winter wonderland probably the last time for the season. The black trees wore the snow proudly like tree penguin suits! It would continue to snow the whole day and then when Mr Sun came out, snowflakes hide away. And I did I hear the weatherman right? End of the week warm up coming our way?

moment captured: 2 beloved labs

how long, O Lord?

No Hope breaks the heart.
Dearest Loving Husbandman,
I am rereading a book I read back in '91 on waiting. I understand the waiting and I know it is a necessary must for a journey. Really a journey is movement so waiting is not really standing still. Ps 27:14 "Wait on the Lord, be of Good Courage & He will streghten thine heart'' has been a comfort yet as I look at my life it has been entirely made up of waiting!

''Rejoice in the Hope of the Glory of God because we know that suffering produces tenacity; tenacity, character; and character, hope'' (Rom 5:2-4). I changed out perseverance with my favorite word tenacity. Which then pricks my heart. I feel that I am tenacious, very tenacious! Are You saying that I need more tenacity .. more standing firm ... more protecting my willspring? Yes, I do have work to do here. Am I to stay tenacious in waiting for my 'johny cash' to come back? Ok, I can do that but am I doing so in vain? Is he going to come back? Or will I behold his face in Heaven with sad eyes? One more thing ... about marriage ... my ideals of marriage have become so rich that pretty soon no human male will ever live up to such a wonderful gift and mirror of You. So are telling me that my journey will remain a single journey?

I know soooo many questions. What I know very deeply is that I am more in Love with You each day. I want to continue drawing closer to You. Looking full into Your Face, You are my Hope. My heart breaks but grows back stronger by Your Healing Hands. You are tenderly forging my tenacity, my charactor, and my hope with the fire of wait. How rich I am. How valued in Your eyes. Thank You for Your Nailed Pierced Hands. I may weep but You comfort me with each tear that falls. I love You!
~ always your little girl

provoked by the intro to "Waitng'' by Bob Patterson

layers: wait

Worship (verb)

... Declaring His Attributes
... Worth + ship -> giving worth, value (ship -> a union)
... Rom 12:1 Living Sacrifice = spiritual act of worhsip
... Communing with your Creator
... Surrendering to the Great Shephard, Keeper of Still Waters & a Table set before your enemies.
... Going to the StoreHouse & Tower of Refuge & inviting (opposed to telling) the Awesome God in all of your moments
... Declaring Gratitude
... Declaring Victory

*Above Mrs Billy Graham's kitchen sink is a sign that reads:
''Worship Services held here 3 times a day''

I must remember this as I tackle something hard like with road rage or work drama!

* The sermon just happened to be on Eph 5:22 & following verses. The extreme feminist squirmed in her seat over 'women submitting to their husbands'. Too many men had hurt her heart. There was no way she would submit. What caught her though as the sermon continued was 'men where to love and give their life for their wife as Jesus had given Himself to the church'.

She leaned over to her friend that had invited her and said, ''I would marry any man that would give his life for mine.''

Her friend softly said, ''There is such a Man. His name is Jesus.''

This extreme feminist did come and submit to this Man. true story

word sleuth: romance

cc: headaches!!!

cheif compliant: HEADACHES!
hx: The history of my headaches goes back sometime when I started living on my own only because I can remember making a decided decision to take Excedrin daily as a morning ritual. Something like 1997ish but who knows it could have been back in '93 when I slamed my '79 mustang in a tree. I had whiplash that I never had treated.

sx: The symtoms of my headaches would begin sometime in the morning and make me nauseous by noon without aid of my friend Excedrin. The Excedrin allowed me to live life upright and I could think! I tried to go without Excedrin last October over a weekend. Oh man, I was terrible to be around. Grouchy because all I could think about was excaping the pain. I can't do anything like painting or writing, or thinking (my favorite things) let alone taking care of work or home! When I decided to get some help, I went off Excedrin again and really paid attention to what was happening in my head.

Pressure began to build in my right eye and a pinching pain at the bridge of my nose. Dark moody emotions took over any mental thoughts. Eyes would blur and hot tears would be my night's companion. Eating something was always my way to settle the pain or the stomach. But the headache would remain. The nausia would be the ultimate 'I can't handle this anymore'.

rx: For tooooo many years Excedrin was my remedy. Knowing how aspirin can damage my stomach, I would always eat breakfast and pop the E-pill. I felt ashamed to admit it to the doctors, but so often it was ''you shouldn't do that' never 'oh, lets see where this is coming from'.

When a co-worker suggested a chiropractor, I didn't immediately go. I just kept it in the back of my mind. After trying to go without in October to see if the headache was there, I decided to call. Two months later I started on a journey and ended up headache free. The chiropractor did help me find out the cause of my headaches but not by cracking neck bones or back bones!

dx: So would you like to know the diagnosis? Well, after clearing up neck issues from whiplash and finding the headaches still there (3rd week), the chiropractor suggested to get a food allergy test done. I was like no way is it a food allergy. So after a couple more weeks, I had my food allergy test done in January and February 6th my life changed forever. I have 36 food allergies!

mad chow: 36 food allergies

36 food allergies ...

Testing Procedure:
During In Vitro testing, food extracts are mixed individually with patient plasma containing white blood cells, platelets, and red blood cells. The mixture of plasma and food extracts is then observed under a microscope fo toxic reactions. Damage or death of blood cells indicates a positive reaction to a specific food. In negative (non-toxic) reactions, the white blood cells, platelets, and red blood cells remain healthy.

Positive reactions are classified into the following three different levels based on the extent of damage to blood cells caused by a particular food allergen.

reaction level 1 = weak reaction
reaction level 2 = moderate reaction
reaction level 3 = strong reaction

Patient Preparation:
On the day before the test, eat no foods after dinner, drink only water and do not eat until after the test the next morning. Do not stop taking any prescribed medication. Reschedule your test if you develop a cold, flu, or other infectious disease prior to your appointment.

Test Results:
level 3 - strong reaction - worst offenders
clove
kidney bean
marjoram
sorbitol *
tobacco

level 2 - moderate reaction - worse offenders
allspice
almond
chicory
chili pepper
cocoa-chocolate {grrr}
ginger
horseradish
lettuce
molasses
mung bean
okra
orange roughy fish
pumpkin
rhubarb
rice
rosemary
rye
strawberry
sunflower
black tea {green or herbal tea is fine!?}

level 1 - weak reaction - bad offenders
beet
beet sugar
cane sugar
cola
english walnut
garden peppers (bell)
paprika
peppermint / spearmint
pomegranate
wheat
wheat bran

Interpretation of food allergy test:
Your test results show hypersensitive reactions to specific foods. This reaction is measured on a scale of 1 to 3 and it indicates damage or death of your blood cells during the esting procedure.

It is therefore recommended that you avoid all foods which have shown a positive reaction for a certain period of time.

Food intolerance and food hypersensitivity may be treated (cleared) by a sustained avoidance of the offending foods. It may take you little as 2 weeks or as long as 4 months of food avoidance to clear your food hypersensitivities.

You may wish to gradually reintroduce the reactive foods in your diet, one at a time. If no reaction it is possible to tolerate offending foods at a 4 day intervals but other reactive foods may be tolerated at longer eating intervals.

It is recommended that you perform a periodic follow up interlerance test after the successful reintroduction of offending foods.
fr: my food allergy test

My Interpretation:
Well, it is no sugar, no flour, and no chilli soup for me! That means no italian, mexican, or chinese resturants because there would be no way I could find something on the menu to eat! It has to be American Cuisine where I can make substitutions. When it comes to drinks, water and green or herbal tea or homemade lemon aid.

Oh no! Now I am going to have problems eating with extended family like my grandma who already points out that I don't eat enough. Now with refusing to eat dessert I can just hear her now. No need to explain it to her because she won't hear it and no, her hearing is just fine.

I have asked mom not to be offended if I choose not to go out to eat or not to be offended if I eat a semi-naked sandwich! My family has been ok with me. The big challenge will be for Ethen's birthday party. My one bro doesn't know yet and I don't want to make it a big scene at the party. I pretty much know what will be on the menu. I will eat ahead of time.

What I have done:
I went home and tore my kitchen apart. I took out allllll offending foods and restocked with safe foods. Why would I reintroduce offending foods? And how can I when I could run amuck on the weekends where I would have less control of knowing if they used tomato sauce without sugar or they didn't use a spice I can't have? The one food I want more than all else is chocolate. Yes, I have a bag of chocolate chips in my frig. But hey, much easier to control the amount then others. Yes, I have been a good girl.

Do you know that your peanut butter has sugar in it? Do you know that canned tomatos and spaghetti sauce has sugar it besides some that have peppers? Do you know all canned soups and powered mixes have flour in it? Even some peanuts are done up with sugar?! Even McDonald have fessed up to using wheat(flour) on or in their french fries! Come on! Potatoes I can have so I was at least excited by getting to have french fries. Oh, don't forget reading reading the herbal tea. What is chicory? I had to give up my raspberry and my chamomile tea because of chicory. Just wait until I find him ... he gone. (chicory is my new cuss word)

I am creative so I can do this. I am a label reader now. I did find peanut butter and unsalted peanuts without sugar. There are cans of tomatoes and spaghetti sauce without sugar or peppers among the offenders. Barley is the new rice. Grinding up oatmeal and adding soy flour has been my new flour. I made cookies sugarless and wheatless. Not bad but I won't share only because you would miss the sugar. I have a few favorite recipies that I am going to redo. Maybe I'll tell you about them when I attempt them. I am also going to make my own recipe book.

mad chow: nourishment or killer

¡boba!

Bubble Tea Locations

All I was trying to do was find a topioca pudding recipe for a serving of one and maybe figure out why my pudding was like water and not thick. No, I found something new! Bubble or Boba tea! It has tapioca in the tea and milk. I usually drink tea by itself ... just tea no sugar or milk let alone tapioca!!! I will be trying the Honeydew Green Bubble Tea I found on the boba site.