beaming {v.}

I love words.  I put certain value on certain words that I hold dearly.  So what do you do when you feel sooooooo much adoration and feeling like it is growing in the pit of your heart to the extent that you just might burst into a million little pieces?  What do you do when you want to scream "I love you" or "you are making me fall in love with you, please don't stop!" and you really can't because you are a girl and you are waiting for him to declare first?   I have been saying everything all around the those three little words but I just wanted one word because it is all I can get out and I need it to say everything...... I need it to be a word that captures a 'pictureful'.

BEAMING has to do.  It is little o' me with bright eyes like big brown stars and a magawatt smile as wide as my face. It is me bursting with a happy glow and tingly electricity pulsing through my veins.  Maybe a little nervous giggle and bashfulness like you have a secret that is just killing you to keep.... ahh, beaming should do.... pretty much my state of being

so quiet is wrong?

We are loving the new church because it is a Bible believing church. It is amazing to be so happy every Sunday! It isn't just me, I can feel it coming from Mom & Dad too. We have been going since July and Dad is already wanting to join. So reading over the application and requirements, I got really upset to tears....

What was my Spiritual Gift? I was in a panic! Here I know myself forward, backwards, inside out, top to bottom and I don't know what part of the body of Christ I am? Not only was there panic but there was anger. The reason I know soooo much about myself that it is scary is because I am soooo quiet. Now being a QUIET means that something is wrong with you. So ever since junior high I have been trying to FIX myself. I thought cheerleading would make me louder. Well, I am glad I never got the nerve to try that. I tried out for a college play because I was in a play in junior high and maybe I could do it again. What did they ask of me? Yell so they can here in the back of the little theater. Well, I did. Surprised them but I didn't get the part. After college I poured over every reasonable self help book on marriage, personalities, etc. Since 2003 God broke me of the habit of self help and showed me God-Help. Through all my searching, I have stirred up quite a bit of heat over feeling inferior or the need to change my quiet ways.

Well, I was livid with hot tears pouring out my eyes. Once again here I was crying before bed. I did not want my spiritual gift to be nursery duty or Sunday school teaching. I made a hysterical txt to my little bro. "Your gift is encouragement. See if they have a card ministry. Your cards are great." I wanted to dance on my chair but I was at work and you know, quiet is my normal. I made a call to Mom later in the week and she came through with "God created you quiet. They cannot go against the Creator." This registered Eric Liddell's famous line "God made me fast" Again I wanted to dance on my desk this time but I was at work and you know, quiet is my normal.

So I am dragging out my very big soap box here on llj and lugging out the mammoth speakers turning the volume to deafening.
God made me quiet. God made me creative. God made me word smart and picture smart. God gave me the love language of words just like King David! God made me sensitive. God gave me an insatiable desire to learn. God made me a great listener. God made me interested in others. God made me a great wing-man. God made me an encourager. God also gave me fire. Don't dare to change that quiet in me. Nothing is wrong with me. God made me quiet.

Well, it looks like this is a place to take a breath and pause. I am not done. Surprise, Surprise! Look for another post...

I am a mixed personality but I was so gung-ho on the part I understood and really didn't pay attention to the quieter side until now. God has been stirring up things lately. The 'melancholy' side is curious. More later....

Oh, are you wondering why I got soooo huffy at the beginning of this post? The pastor is a dominant personality. It worries the quiet me. The melancholy side is getting hot and protective. The passive side has had enough after soooo many years of being a wing-man with no returns and a lot of leavers when I did finally spoke up. I am glad the pastor is a strong personality preaching the Word. That is his job. Just wanting others to except my job as a quiet sensitive encourager .... I know a lot of wind without substance. However, I have made my statement now to not backing down... ok more later!!!

prayer beeper ...

Because I live alone and because I am a girl who needs to get her talking in even though I am typically a shy quiet person, I find it easy to talk to God especially in my alone moments. However, when I pray for someone, I find it very awkward to tell someone that I prayed for them.

I have to share a story Joni Eareckson Tada had on her program, Joni and Friends. A man had who was paralyzed for a short period of time (can't remember the name of his condition) requested prayer from all of his friends. This man's best friend went a step further and got a pager. He had the friends send a page to the beeper when they prayed for the paralyzed man. It was a huge blessing and great encouragement to hear that beeper go off many times an hour and even in the night. He knew the there were people around the world praying. It was a delightful story for me and got me to thinking .... even Joni challenged the listeners to text the ones they lifted in prayer.

I am still thinking because I don't want to come off pretentious or awkward.... I often wonder at the power of prayer and I don't think I will fully understand until Jesus pulls back the veil. I personally not sure that I have felt prayers of others.... like some say they have.... a big mystery to me....

I should do some clarifying. I have felt my own prayers. It is like a lesson from the one room school days. I am up front reciting (talking back) God's Word that I have hid in my heart. I can see parallels and opposites. I find dots to connect. I come away encouraged - His Words and Promises have that way about them.... No, I am not saying my prayer is more powerful than someone praying for me but rather the act of praying shores up my feeble faith and heartbreak. It is the act of crying out before the King of kings and knowing He bends down and takes me in His Arms and calms my fears ..

Francois Fenelon, a seventeenth-century Roman Catholic Frenchman, said this about prayer:

Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, its pleasures and its pain, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you to conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them; show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability. Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others.

If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. You will never exhaust the subject. It is continually being renewed. People who have no secrets from each other never want for subject of conversation. They do not weigh their words, for there is nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say. They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration they say just what they think.


Daily Light : EVENING

We made our prayer unto our God, and set a watch against them.

Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation. -- Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving. -- Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: whom resist stedfast in the faith.

Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? -- Be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

Wherefore criest thou unto me? speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

NEH. 4:9. Matt. 26:41. -Co1. 4:2. I Pet. 5:7-9. Luke 6:46. Jas. 1:22. Exo. 14:15. Phi. 4:6,7.

before great men ...

I have this 'gift verse' that I think about when I plan gifts for others. I would like to flip it on you so you can see it in a different way.

"A man's gift makes room for him,
& brings him before great men (kings)."
Prov. 18:16

Have you ever thought about the person you are giving the gift to great or kingly? Have you ever thought that you are coming before royalty with your gift? I've been thinking about it more and more. It is an interesting concept. It could quite change your gift giving.

touch, a woman's sexual desire ...

Swindoll was on the topic of King David seeing bathing Bathsheba. I know that sexual desire grabs men through visual but what I didn't know was that sexual desire grabs women through touch! Really? I am a girl I should know this! So like my typical self, I start going though my journey looking for the trigger points so that I don't fall off the edge. If you don't SAFEly test where your weak places are, you will be sabotaged. When you pick yourself up from the fall out, you will berate yourself for not living as purely as possible with your relationship with God.

So what about touch? I definitely do not like people getting into my personal space. I went though a spell where I would pull away from my own father's hugs. That was because I was a teenager just not wanting to be bother because I was mad over something. I also went through a time where wonderful perfumed granny's at church would hug on me so I decided that I would be the first to hug on them every Sunday. Problem was that I carried their perfume with me in the form of a HA. I dislike hovering of any type especially in the checkout lanes. So how is touch going to be take me down in sexual desire?

Well, I spoke of uncomfortable touch. So if I am that sensitive over my space, what if it is comfortable touch? When I read the book on the "Five Love Languages", I knew right way that WORDS was my thing and TOUCH was the farthest. However, over the course of an alone journey, touch is very important to me. (All five love languages are important in every person's life. To best love is to be fluent in all five love languages.) My word tank is a huge tank. Lets say my word tank is 25 gallons. My other four tanks would be 1 gallon. But having just one of the tanks become empty, the engine fails. Being a loner makes for a tank that needs constant care and watch or there is critical arrest.

My TOUCH tank could very well be more than a gallon. Over this life journey with my Heavenly Father what I cherish the most is His Arms! When I am at the lowest lows, I often pull the covers up tight up to my nose and turn out the lights and let the mind's screen pull up the God holding tight in His Muscular Bare Arms to the point you can't see me and to where His Heart Beat is so loud that it quiets all my troubles. So I could see that if a man ever dared to approach me in this way no matter how small compared to God's, I could be wooed. Wow, touch is a woman's sexual desire! What girl doesn't want to be protected? Arms holding you in when you are falling apart tell you that you are still loved and still cherished and will be protected. mmmmm... yessss .... touch is very desirable!

I had an experience once with a guy whose love language was touch. This was a LDR so trying to speak his love language was a huge challenge. I felt as though I really never reached his heart. I feel that REDEEMED 'touchers' need to allow friends to touch them via the mind, heart, and soul and not just the physical. Honestly, I am afraid to touch the opposite sex. (AND IT IS A HEALTHY RESPECTFUL fear because I know the dangers.) I guess I didn't realize that this healthy respectful decline of touching a male other than the handshake is a 'protectent' for my girly heart.

I am glad that Swindoll said this in passing. I really needed this mental note. I probably will have more to learn...
What about touching via words? ....

to my dear parents,

Happy 42nd Anniversary!

When the world teaches that friendships and relationships are 'throw-away-able', you two have shown the endurance and tenacity it takes in a valuable marriage.

Often when I come home from my family time with you two, I am thanking my Heavenly Father for you both. I am blessed to have your love and help. I cherish us!

When two people fell in love, a relationship rippled out and a family began. You two have shown us the value of having a relationship with Jesus Christ through voice but most importantly through God's Design of His Love via marriage and family.

always bunches of love.
your daughter

love equations...

God validates her beauty + God validates his strength.
+
She offers & gives her beauty to him + He offers & gives his strength to her
=
a good union.


She seeks validation of her beauty from him
= abuse, desertion, loneliness -
She becomes ugly.

He seeks validation of his strength from her
= moody, restless, sex addict -
He becomes weak.

Just a few equations of love ....

Fireproof

Finally, I am going to jot down a few notes about this movie which I would rate a 10. However, when it first started I was a little worried about the acting. It might come off as an act and not real but that soon disappeared as the movie began to take you in. I must say it was well written. There was moments of sitting on the edge of your seat. I could have done without the yelling but it was needed and real in most marriages but there was some comic relief. I totally dug the salt and pepper theme. *wink* Sorry, not telling you any more about salt and pepper. Go see and find out. Oh, there where some twists and turns where you were thinking one thing and the movie took a turn like the who paid for the equipment and who actually did the love dare on who! Love that!

I love reading and I love movies. Being an English major, I like themes or motifs because it connects the movie or book together making it flow well and it can take us English nuts deeper. The movie did it and it was flowed well.

I appreciated how this was written because this isn't just a movie for Christians but a movie for the world. I have been saying that marriage is the last frontier - a place to bear witness to Jesus Christ making a difference in your life that the outside world might just start asking you how you do it.

A little side note:
I get so mad at the 'world' for wanting to marry same sex partners. I think why do they even want this concept especially because it was created by God. They are already slapping God in the face so why even want marriage. I probably lost you here but I know what I mean just having trouble putting in words.. Then I was listening to this radio guy who said that God didn't create marriage for the believers but for mankind! He gave the example that John the Baptist lost his head because accused the king of misusing marriage. I was taken aback a bit. I had not thought it like that. It kind of messes up my thoughts. But I guess defiling marriage is just one more way of defiling God and the beauty He created.

Back to the movie-
The one chew toy I took with me was that the heart is easily deceived and that you must lead the heart. Isn't it a Bible verse? But seeing it, hit home with me.

My favorite character was Cameron's father! I think it was the soothing voice and the weathered christian who had been there and done that. He was someone who had this quiet strength...

A funny thing my mother commented on was it was interesting to see Kirk grown up! I said Mom, he is about my age! I didn't think he aged any. He looks like Kirk - not a kid but a young guy. Some middle aged peeps look their age and some of us don't! Oh dear!

Anyways, excellent movie and there is the 'Love Dare' book out there if you want to spice up the marriage God's way...

celebrating sparrows & flowers ...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I have decided to celebrate sparrows and flowers. I have been so stressed and out of sorts lately. I have called upon You for You are my only HELP. I haven't felt much relief and my core has felt very jittery of late. I must let go.

I got really ticked when the resounding opinion about my move was hey, at least you have a window. But through that window You have brought the HELP in the form of sparrows whether they where playing in water puddles or eating worms or flitting about. As my desk has me facing the window with my back to door, my eyes goes to Your Creation. You love the sparrows and You love me even when I feel most insignificant and little.

So I vow to make my weekend a place to recoup and celebrate the simple things. I know You love me and nothing will get in the way of You loving me. That feels good. The stress is still lingering but hopefully soon my spirit will be chipper.

Thank You for my office sparrows and my fall flowers. I love You.

~always Your little girl

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. ~:Luke 12:7

...neither be ye of doubtful mind. ~:Luke 12:29

*

'Aged Love' {v}

While talking to a co-worker, our conversation was about how a marriage relationship becomes real good when it goes through the different seasons.

There are different things and issues that happen in the teenage years compare to the 20's, 30's, 40's and so on it goes. You can't just give up when it gets rough and redo an age. You lose out on the deep and wide of love and stay in the shallow end forever. It is sad to see so many marriages lose out when there is divorce.

I being still single am afraid that I missed out on the good stuff of the ages. I've been told that you still feel the giddy teenage stuff of every new love and this from a widower who now on her third. Not sure I believe it. There is a lot of things packed into each season.

At other times I just don't think I was made for marriage in the 20's & 30's. How sad is that? But this new age I am entering might be ok. It is more about the two of you and not about the kids. However, I do not have much to work with as the guys out there in my age bracket still have kids and there is no way I want to jump in that kind of soup. It is not fair to the kids with so many pot stirrers. However, I thought I was ready in my 30's and that didn't happen. At moments I wonder if it will ever happen. So why do I have this want? I have prayed to for my future mate and I have prayed for this want to just up and die! Argh.

Oh well, I will still believe in marriage as it should be - as God designed it to be. I will still believe in the aged love with all its depth and flavor. I will continue to discover it even if it isn't mine ...

he knows ...

Brother and his family left Father's Day gathering yesterday and Tink started his typical barking because he hates being left and entering his plea was a cry. He knew he wasn't going home. Later, when he went inside he looked out the bay window with his ears flopped over looking, tears welded up and anger seethed in my heart. Tink has feelings. He is sad and he doesn't understand.

Tink, brother's dog, has been dumped upon my mother's conscious and she packed him and took him home a week ago Friday to live with the other two boys, Bobby and Andy. Tink is a mid size dark coat toy fox terrier. Tink is more of a challenge to train but being a last born brother was at odds at trying to train. Pretty much he was lazy and quite lousy with his training of Tink. Now with a daughter he wants Tink out. He says there is biting issues and waking up the baby issues. And to be fair with brother, there was a time I wouldn't have known what to do with Tink either. But Tink has found a place in my heart and being abandoned has tempered me and even slowed me down. I feel and love Tink as much as I love Bobby and Andy. I do worry because Bobby and Andy don't care for Tink. Andy is the Enforcer of rules and guards all cookie boxes or food bags. Andy is the pack leader. Bobby too curls his upper lip and gives sad eyes saying he isn't getting the rightful amount of attention. So Mom, Dad, and I try to give much love to all three. It looks like it is a forever deal especially of the off handed remarks made by brother about hating fox terriers and how it has been so great to get rid of Tink.

I am so livid. He knows better. Mother had better make it real clear to him as she said to me that he must swear never to get another dog until Tink dies. I am crying as I write. I know I said that I would be respectful of family but this hurts. The once twin 10 years apart is quickly becoming a stranger to me. In fact I am finding my middle brother much more in common with me.

One of my top pet peeves is abandonment. When you take on responsibility, you have got to see to it to the end. Abandonment is worse than death. It hurts and it is such a slow death. How do convey to a dog that he is better off in my parents home where he is loved unconditionally when humans don't even understand abandonment? He is in a tough situation where he is loved by humans but not really by the other dogs... How do you convey to all the dogs that you love each and every one equally?

After the bros and families had left, the boys got there wish of humans sitting with them. Tink laid down with his head nestled within his blanket and with ears durped, he fell asleep. I am left to wonder if he sad or tired... probably both.

Maggie unwanted

A righteous [man] regardeth the life of his beast: but the tender mercies of the wicked [are] cruel.
Proverbs 12:10

giving love a good name ...

Here are some statements ....

'You can choose your sin. You canNOT choose your consequence.'

'Do not marry someone you think you can live with. Marry someone you canNOT live without.'

'It is not what you can get away with but rather how pure you can be.'

A lot to think about when you start out on your love life. It only gets harder as you pack on the years. I keep looking at what life has brought to me and I get this mother instinct going to where I want to warn or impact a young person into deep thinking... I feel very strongly that you should have practice discussions on life issues with your family. And if you have no one to practice with surely blog! - just write out scenarios and have an answer.

Here is one. The web is a new frontier. It is a great place to learn new things and learn about cultures and maybe meet some decent and great human beings. Unfortuantely, there are a lot of peeps out there looking for trouble and looking to prey. It is always prudent to strengthen your resolve.

So to beef up I have put down some words to bolster my faith. However, from experience I doubt saying this to a hunter will make them go away. By experience if you say your a christian, they retort back they are christian too and see nothing wrong with 'such in such' (fill in the blank). But from what you think about comes feelings, from feelings comes behavior, from behavior comes habits. So by practicing you are getting your own thoughts in order. From there you can decide if you need to flee to God or be bold for Him.

Here is my snap back to hunters whating what they cannot have from me...

No. No discussion to what I hold in high esteem and desire to keep pure. I serve God not flesh. I am free to love Him fiercely and acutely. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am free to keep my image sacred and protect it at all costs.

If I was doing this with others, I would have them give their response and even have them challenge me. Having one response isn't wise. You must have several responses. Arrows will come at you from all sides. Again the best way to deal with hunters is to flee. But having practice drills with others will only help you should you find yourself not as strong as you thought you were...

man-harlot/man-whore ...

Dear Daughter,
Having teenagers in the house, our family quiet time has focused on reading the Proverbs daily each month since the book and the month have 31 days. By starting this practice, we hope that when you are out in the big wide world you will come back to the Proverbs and find the strength to stay in obedience with your God. Also being a teenager means you are beginning to test your wings. You are learning to think for yourself. What better way to develop your wisdom than going to a book where the wisest king wrote down God-Wisdoms. Remember King Soloman may have been the wiset king yet he too had times of stumbling but keep the words in your actions. Be tenacious in actively obeying because as you obey, you are loving your God, the first commandment.

Always remember that you at your youngest was a strong little girl in your faith. Nothing could deface God in your bright eager eyes. Sadly as you grow older life and stuff of earth will tear at your flesh and your eyes become dull with pain and your innermost being feels so weak. Get back to that little girl and hold her hand! She has much to teach you about strength and the love God desires from you.

Let me tell you about what will tear at your flesh. I will use strong language not to scare you to tell you like it is. Proverbs 1-10 but especially 5 talks to the men warning them of the harlot. But I warn you of the man-harlot or the man-whore.

A man-whore is smooth and kind. He will give you attention where you have been dry for so long that you think that maybe you have some nasty mole growing on your face that you cannot see. You smirk but tis true. The enemy is a thief and he will steal your beauty and your God-confidence. You will feel so empty. And when you are in the light of the man-whore, you will feel things you never felt but longed for - acceptance. I hope and pray that the hollowness stings you before you walk to far into this false-light. It is my job to build up your faith.

The man-whore will take any form to get you. First he will be a friend but watch because when he starts to persuade you into things that you don't want - RUN! Hide! Proverbs is alllllll about hiding! It is ok to do as long as you hide under God's wing.

What will the man-whore persuade you to do? Bondage. Yes, M&S - the whole master-slave thing. You are called to be free. The whole bondage thing isn't foreign to you because you have grown in the Bible. You know submission. Beware, the enemy is cunning and can make it feel right. Don't hush your faith. God wants you free. Keep reading Proverbs. Submit to God only. No Godly man will persuade you to do anything that does not feel right in keeping with God's word.

The man-harlot is also a pimp. He will use you and sell you. He defames your beauty. Don't think he looks like what the tv and movies portray him to be. He can look safe and trustworthy. He is a one nighter as well as someone you can't get rid of once he has his talons in you. Don't ever get caught. If you do, seek God and He will free you. You will have pain to go through so it is best never to find yourself in this position.

Key things to remember:
If he persuades and persuades you,
If he uses your beauty against you,
If he pays attention to you,
If you hear a quiet voice saying no,
If he defames submission,
If he sells you or cuts you in private or in public,
he is a man-whore and man-harlot. It doesn't matter how simple he may seem. He will become the monster you never thought would happen to you.

I use to tell you that 'nice matters' - while it speaks of respect and good manners, around man-whores your nice becomes your acceptance to what he is selling. Your nice is thrown back in your face with 'so this what your really want'. When you are nice by talking and listening, he will twist this around and claim that you want to be dominated, used, and abused. Oh, they will be cunning alright and dress up the words so they lure you in ever so slow but surely. Don't be nice. Don't be mean. Don't stay. Leave without a word or trace. HIDE.

You may think that you will be safe within a marriage. I know your dreams and yes, Daddy has been a great role model for you and what you are looking for in a man. Thank you, Daughter, for sharing your dreams with me. Know I pray for you every morning and cherish your dreams. Back to plans. Remember God-plans do not go according to your time schedule. You may have a season where you will be and live alone. Maybe it will be a lifetime of aloneness or maybe it be before you meet the man of your dreams or maybe it will be after you spent a season with that man of your dreams or maybe it will be within your marriage that alone comes to you. Just know that you are not safe alone or in a human bond. You are only safe in God-Arms. The enemy is a thief. He even thinks he can pluck you from God-Arms. Keep your faith and turn your eyes to Jesus.

The harlot warning in Proverbs isn't for the young men or your brothers only, it is for you. The days are evil. Monsters lurk everywhere. The enemy is a thief. Protect your beauty. It is your value and the enemy knows it. You remind him of God's Beauty and that makes him livid. The more beautiful you are inside the more he will try anything and everything to kill the beauty in you. Hiding in God will keep you.

I love you, my daughter. You are beautiful. Keep guard. Love your God with all of your strength (physical), mind, heart, and soul. I will always pray for you.

always with love
mom

latter times: forbidden to marry ...

Several times I have heard that in the latter times marriage will be forbidden! Yikes! NNNNNooooooooo!!! Can this be??? They are taking it from I Timothy 4:1-3 "Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith ... forbidding to marry ..."

I am an old fashion girl with a verrrrrry high regard to marriage. I believe the marriage of a man and woman two pictures of God's whole reflection - a man being the warrior and the woman the beauty. God designed it so that each has a job to do and together they are a reflection of God. This bond of marriage can only be strong with hard work and the covering of God.

Ok, yes still single here and don't know the trenches and I've heard the 'be glad your not married'. I quietly look away as I roll my eyes. I am not stupid but I would love to have marriage yet as I say that I have to admit to you that when I bring my requests to God, I admit to Him I don't want marriage if it will be heartache and misery. It doesn't have to be! I am not afraid. {sighs}

Anyways I just get super frustrated hearing doom and gloom on the marriage front from Paul. I know he thinks a single person can better serve God than one distracted with marriage. Then here he goes on about the latter days and being forbidden to marry. I know that what Paul has written is God-Breathed, but I just struggle with it.

Here is my grief:
So in latter times it will be forbidden to marry ... so wouldn't it be the best of times to keep a marriage? You know the kind of marriage between a man and woman who love each other and love God and that love just spills over into the world with kind acts. Now I say that is the best kind of preaching!

As I write these things I can't help but reflect on all the broken marriages and lives out there. No wonder the forbidden to marry movement comes to be. Whose to say it isn't here already? With all the live ins and co-habitations? Or take the single population on the rise? Not to mention the multiple marriages.

Hmmm, latter days...

where your heart breaks ...

My heart breaks right where I desire to have a bit of attention, to be valued, to be adored, to be loved. I don't need a stage with a huge spotlight. I am a shrinking violet type. No, I rather have a bit of starlight and pixie dust. And before you think I am off my rocker. Everyone's heart breaks for a bit of attention.

I have described this danger before as my tipping point and that still stands. Right where that need and desire to be liked is where I found myself tipping and finally falling off my place of faith. My biggest sin happens here. My biggest cry happens here. My biggest anger happens here. My biggest fear happens here. My biggest melancholy happens here. My biggest angst happens here. My biggest heartbreak happens here. My biggest torment happens here. And before you think you never, you too tip and fall here in this pit of attention aspiration.

My sin will look different than yours and you could go for years not thinking you will ever tip in your faith. It is important to explore attention needs and figure out what will make you tip and fortify yourself in filling up your love tank in the faith ways. There will be great times of lack. Desert times where living water will be scarce. You never want your desert time to be a wondering in the wilderness. Wondering in the wilderness comes because you lack faith. Desert times comes when God is strength training you. Know the difference. Are you plugged into the Living Water? Are you ready for when the heat comes?

This is what the Lord says: 'Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord. He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes. He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the Stream. It does not fear when the heat comes; it leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.'
Jeremiah 17:5-8

I wish that I would have been stronger and not tipped. I had a little bit of weight but I should have lifted more. As the years come and go from the fall, my wounds have healed and I have found to my greatest surprise is that I have fallen in love with God and I want to fall deeper. I used to feel dried up. I don't anymore. Where the heart breaks is still there and I am very aware of it. Yet, I don't feel so driven. I am more relaxed. Lonliness still perches heavily at times. When I droop and yellow, I go to the Stream of Living Waters. I talk back the Truths to the negatives and boost my faith by turning my face to my Knight on the White Horse (Psalms 18). Fairytales are true. Happy endings are authentic. Beauty can come from ashes.

My heart break will always be with me. It is my best teacher in being human and being God's beloved. It is also deep and I have more learning to go...

never lose by loving...

Funny how you go through different stages when you loose someone special. One of the stages was coming to the realization that I had loved. I truly loved and I will not be ashamed <-- said with strong conviction. Within the relationship I came to an understanding that I was willing to love this guy and love to me was work at it for the rest of my life. I totally kept this to myself. I was proud to recognize 'him' and was waiting for his pursuit. Never happened but I didn't loose.

Within me I have found a more relaxed and yet a tenacious spirit like always. I feel full. I more like a woman than a silly little girl. Don't get me wrong, the little 8 year old girl is still there {wink}. I am not sure that I will ever make a couple but I still wish. It is amazing how God has taken and molded me. I like the new shapes and I am far from being done...

I can't wait ....

'You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.' ~ barbara de angelia

coal burning love...

Young love is a flame, very pretty, often very hot & fierce, but still only light & flickering. The love of the older & disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable.
~ Henry beecher

Hmmmmm, I used to feel sad that I would never get to experience the young love of a twenty something and now the thirtysomething kind of love. I used to think it was important to experience all the ages of love. Would it all add to the vintage of an older love? Being on an isolated journey maybe there is too much pain in the ages of love. Maybe not having allows one to love deeper and stronger when one gets to have love? Maybe too I will never know.

I was reading about loniness by one of my favorite authors - Ron Mehl. He suggested loniness was the time to have undivided time with God. One question. What happens if one has 30 something years of loniness? Am I missing something? Or maybe I am a real slow learner. I love to learn and I have some good lessons that I would never have had with another. I have had some amazing alone time with God. I would like to share though...

Lately, trust and obedience to God has been tickling my heart. It seems so simple and quite possibly freeing. I don't ask God why. A big no-no. It hinders your growth and makes you stuck. I just would allow the mystery to keep going. Now it seems the answer to the God-whys is TRUST ME and obey. Blessing follow. Interesting! So everytime that God-why creeps into my mind. I shout back - TRUST GOD. HE IS SEUPREME. I WILL OBEY. I will be still and let HIM work His magic...

bitter vs the honeycomb ...

I am finding that the Bible is so right on about human nature. Have you noticed how someone will stay in an abusive relationship? It does not matter how many times he has hit her. It does not matter how many times she has fallen down with bruises in places they should not be. It does not matter how many times he has mentally abused her by saying ‘you’re no good’ etc. She takes the bitter. She cannot imagine life without it. No attention is worse than bitter or so the culture has taught her.

In Proverbs 27:7 it is stated like this: ‘A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.’ Our emphasis should not be on what the hungry soul does but on the condition of the soul. It is HUNGRY! So hungry in fact that their taste buds are dull to the bite. The only cure is to get rid of the bitter and bring in the sweets like love, value, loving attention, and compassion. Before you know it, the hungry soul’s taste will improve and the understanding sharpened. The cravings won’t be there to consume rather satisfaction and contentment.

A hungry soul just might be the guy at work who complains all the time. Nothing is right. If the satisfied soul can give of his abundance of honeycomb, the hungry soul begins for feed and becomes attracted to the sweet. You are what you eat! Wow! Now that is a thought to keep.

Anyone who is feeding on bitter like it is going out of style has a serious condition of the ‘hungries’ and the satisfied souls can help. How can you make a difference to a hungry soul? Are you hungry? Would you know or is your taste buds out of whack? What are you feeding on? Aren't we humans a bottomless pit when it comes to love?

be the busy bee & pollinate!

reflections of Easter ...

My thoughts started connecting dots. I was noticing how the story of Abraham taking Issac to sacrifice as God commanded and how God led and ultimately sacrificed His Beloved Son. As a dear friend once told me of how the same Bloke wrote the whole Bible because He wrote the same story though out (butterfly effect), I can't help but notice it here even as it contrasts a bit. The Issac story teaches us to let go of all that we hold precious and the Jesus story teaches to hold on THE PRECIOUS. I love how God tells a story. His Story is always of His Deep Love for us.... It is a Love Story ... a Love Letter...
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This evening as I watched an reenactment of doubting Thomas not believing until he could actually touch the Master's nailed pierce hands and the wound in His side. I realized that Thomas has the love language of TOUCH. He needed to touch to know. My heart ached and whispered a prayer for a dear one who also has the love language of touch. Oh, how it must weigh heavy on these types. Oh, how it takes a deep strength to believe without touching. I know our relationship wasn't as deep for him as it was for me because I need words and he needs touch..... I felt him struggle with where he was with his life. I wonder how much of has to do with touch and feeling YOU in his life... a question I would love to ask. God has him. He is my Issac ... he is not mine...

a feeling like that ...

by gary allen
I stepped out into the blue, felt the wind hit my face
Before my chute opened I felt my heart race
I was fallin', nop‘, that's just fallin'
And off the coast of Australia I dove way down deep
For all that I saw of that Great Barrier Reef
It was nothin', compared to you it was nothin'.

I got lightning in my veins and thunder in my chest
All tangled up with you and tryin' to catch my breath
Been chasing that sensation halfway round the world
And lookin' back on what we had
Well, I've done it all and I've seen it all
But I can't find a feelin' like that.

Well, I've wound up in some town in Spain
runnin' w/ the bulls
Tryin' to catch another thrill
w/ a thousand other fools
We were runnin', aw, but that's just runnin'
When I started pushin' 30 it started pushin' back
Well, how was I to know till now you'd be
such a hard act to follow. Nothin' seems to follow.

I got lightning in my veins and thunder in my chest
All tangled up with you and tryin' to catch my breath
I been chasing that sensation halfway round the world
And lookin' back on what we had
Well, I've done it all and I've seen it all
But I can't find a feelin' like that.

It's like flyin' down some back road at midnight
With your eyes closed and the headlights off
Your life been searchin' everywhere
Can't find that feelin' anywhere
You're all I want, now all I want.

Said lightning in my veins and thunder in my chest
All tangled up with you and tryin' to catch my breath
I been chasing that sensation halfway round the world
And lookin' back on what we had
Well I've done it all and I've seen it all
But I can't find a feelin' like that.

That's right, I've done it all and I've seen it all
But I can't find a feelin' like that…

{sighs} EXACTLY ! ! !
misses you... an aussie sensation halfway around the world ... happy birthday you