my heart's own bitterness ...

A retiring, widowed, 20 years my senior, IT co-worker was talking above my brainwaves about a work task and without a blink of eye ask me to dinner to talk. The switch in topics threw me.  I looked away trying to form words when he said something about he knew the answer and walked away.  I still could not form words.  My head was nodding and I was trying to will myself to smile.  When the coast was clear, I ducked behind the computer screen and let my face contort.  An exclamation muttered in slow-mo.  {Argh!}

How did this happen??  I am NOT looking.  I am NOT flirting.  There was NO preening or fluttering of the eyelashes.  NO markings of neediness.  NO pheromones.  I EAT GARLIC on a regular basis.  Yes, I do ask questions and I do listen.  I know these are in short demand but it is who I am but it does NOT mean I am looking for someone to fill any so call holes.

Yes, I know that he gets points for taking the risk in asking especially in the today's society.  Guys do not take risks anymore.  It is one thing they should hold onto as a right and and a honor.  (or maybe not- I don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry asking me out). Yes, he is a widow and I feel for the widow.  Widows are singles and from my vantage point from the opposite side of the same pond, they are going to face loniness and aloneness that I have already know intimately whether I like it or not.  I know those dark hours right at bedtime.  I know that feeling where you go out into the public of couples and families and there  you go pretending you just don't care.  I know that feeling of utter loniness coming home from a weekend at your best friend's family home four hours away.  Your house is empty, the sun is setting, and you have work in the morning.  They get to do all of this without their beloved.  Yes, I feel.  I am NOT utterly heartless but let's talk about me.

I am NOT AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT THIS.  In fact I have a bit of anger.  Let's talk about numbers.  I'm sorry but he is my Dad's age.  I already feel way younger than my number but now I feel like a silly little girl.  I am still active. He is a slow walker.  I could do ten laps around his one.  Age gives you a different perspective.  I have a little brother ten years younger and I feel the difference let alone 20 years!  Let's talk about mental capacity.  He talks way above me.  He talks and it could be a foreign launage for all I know even though it sounds like English.  I am all about my brain.  I like to ask questions -- tough ones too.  I'm not dumb but I am not super smart either.  Let's talk about emotional interaction.  He is a co-worker but I know nothing of his true essence.  I have my impression but that is not enough for me to allow the next step.  The secret is a knowing, a developing friendship.  There is nothing here.  It is what makes me the most angry.  I want to be heard.  I am want to be able to walk beside.  I want my voice to be a compliment.  My empression says it is not here.  There is no knowing and most importantly there is no walking in the Way of Jesus on his part.  This is a major must.  Being a sister and brother in Christ is a language and I want that most of all.

The other part of my anger is that when I go to my loved ones for support, I got that look like I should have given him a chance.  One said dating is how you get to know someone.  I had one of those after thoughts -- what I should have said was, you and I did not go on a date and we know each other as friends.   I am quiet and size up the character before taking steps towards getting to know another.  My parents met on a blind date but it will never be in my story.  I know they mean well but come on!  Trust me!  I know who I am in Christ.  God will protect me -- even in the unknown days to come.  The days to come that you don't want to talk about -- those days when the loves ones are gone.  God knows me better than I know myself.  He has taylored made my life just for me.  He knows what works for me.  My story is uniquely my own created uniquely by God.  I may look alone on the outside but I'm never alone. 

Even so, some days I would like to have a man picture hanging out on my desk to scare away the rats.  Probably even better would be a couple picture to be more believable but in my current state that would be a bit hard to come by.  {sigh} It would be a lie anyways.  I must live in the truth.  Walking the Jesus Way is the Truth and the Life.  So I will be a big girl and own my singleness. 

What about my anger, you ask?  Tsk! Tsk! It has subsided.  I sure could taste my own heart's bitterness (Proverb 14:10) and sabertooth mad about it.  It felt like no one heard....  No, God heard my voice, heard the very essence of me and turned His Ear to me!  Oh how, I love Him for it (Psalms 116:1-2).

paint here, paint there, paint on my feet...

What a difference it makes when you have a comrade in arms!  I have had the grumps this week and I think it had to do with just missing someone special.  I crave partnership and I have found that I work better about the house when I can do it with someone.  I feed off their energy.   I also know how to do the supportive undertones.  Mmmmm, duets fascinate me.  I love to harmonize.

I took the day off and I wasn't sure how today would end up.  I had Mom come over and we painted my craft cave white.  I should love painting because I love to paint on glass.  I just wasn't sure I wanted to do it with walls and have a mess.  I have these paint nightmares that you make a little mess here and when  you go to clean it up, the mess grows and grows...... Yikes!!!

With one gallon of white ceiling paint left by the previous owners, we had Menards spin the paint which they did for free.  I now have the start of white walls to my craft cave.  I must get another lamp.  It totally brightens up the place.  I wanted everything white so that I can take pictures down there.  My craft furniture and storage is mostly white.  I do not care if it is toooo much white.  I love it.

When Mom left I realized my brain had a wonderful vacation from over thinking and I am feeling pretty happy!  There is just something about having another person around helps lighten the load.  So as I look forward to a holiday weekend, I think I have enough fuel to put on a second coat of paint all by myself and maybe this time I won't get it on the bottom of my feet!

He tells me I am His own...

A hot shower wakes up my brain but sadness lingers in my soul. Songs and hymns have always chased darkness away allowing Light to enter. A split second ticks ♪ "and He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own" ♪. How perfect!

I have Someone Who walks with me. I'm not alone! I have Someone Who talks with me. He knows my thoughts and isn't afraid! He tells me what to do even if it is to wait. I belong to to Someone. This misfit isn't an outcast! I had to pour out my gratitude to my Heavenly Father.

Dearest Heavenly Father,
This is where I struggle most.  I desire at the very least a mental soul partnership yet I am a loner.  I can't stand herds or going with the in crowd but I crave that one on one connection.  I was a melancholy until I realized that my voice needed to sing.  You brought someone into my life yet as he roves I am here alone with You.  Thank You for walking with me on my journey.  Thank You for listening and speaking.  You are comfort and peace to a heavy withering old soul.  Thank You for creating me even if everything I am doesn't fit that well.  There is a reason and a purpose for my life.  Thank You for keeping me.  You are the Great Keeper and Lover of my heart and soul.   Thank You for this blog.  I often meet You here as my thoughts form and fly out through my fingers.  Your Ways are secret and higher than mine.  I long to stop striving!  I long to simply and peacefully rest in YOUR ALMIGHTY ARMS!!!!
always Yours,
little keeper

investment vs. ball and chain...

No, I am not talking marriage here!  Marriage should never be associated with such confinement but rather should be home, a safe place.  Talking about a home and I hate to admit it but buying a home is a ball and chain.  I just don't see it any other way.

I didn't always feel like that.  My little girl dreams always had a home.  It just was a matter of fact.  That is what adults do.  They have a family and a family home.  They had a patch of land and of course, a picket fence.  Don't forget the pups.

Whoa!  My life hasn't ended up that way.  I have a single life and lifestyle.  I have just gotten to a place where I feel the money is just right.  I'm not scraping the barrel.  The groceries and the gas has gone up and yet I feel that for the most part that I can get by ok.  Yet with the rumors and the uneasiness out there, it is nice to have a cushion.  I feel like I have that.  Yes, I like to shop and my weekly shopping excursions are my only dependable social entertainment.  Of course, I not afraid to spend even though I do pretty well at pinching pennies.  I have this new feeling of being able to give money to God above and beyond my tithe.  I like this feeling a lot.  I don't want to go back.  I can't go back.

I am also feeling that Jesus is coming back soon.  Do I really need a house?  Why sock money into a house when that money could have a better use.  But then again, I don't know the time.  This world could have a few more spins around the dial even though there is a lot of shaking and rattling.  It just isn't the waters and earth giving way but governments, housing, gas, and the economies.  No body or country is immune.

I may be hitting the mid life crisis zone but I look young and feeeeeeeeeeeeel like a little girl.  Buying a house all by my lonesome is sooooooo out of my league!  I admit I am a shy one maybe not so much in my writing, but have a quiet personality and it suits me just right.  It is what makes me a goooood listener but when I have something to say aloud, I'm usually not heard or they put their own spin on what they think I am or on what I say.  I may be a first born and forge ahead on my own leaving the herds behind, but I have this strong wingman trait and it does NOT like to be a sole pilot in such huge endeavors.  Help!  This is way too much for me.

Like I said I am single and if I set down roots in brick and mortar then there are no more dreams of wings.  I have friends to the west and a couple of friends in other countries.  It would be cool to go see them if I could muster up strength in my wings.  I do admit that making a home out of a house is a dream too.  I love house magazines and blogs for color schemes, storage ideas, and layouts.  Having it become a reality is a bit scary.  I will have to make a go on my ideas and supposed talent.  I know I could never have a dream house, the house must it meet it in a general sense because this house will have to do until the end of my days.

Things have been getting a bit dicey  here in my apartment building.  Had a bad neighbor in December and things were getting bad.  I also deal with cigarette smoke getting into my home and I am allergic to it.  Then the apartment dweller below like to leave his bathroom fan on for weeks at a time and I can't stand unnecessary noise.  Besides being a crafter makes my little dwelling even smaller.  It would be nice to stretch out a bit.

My coworker who has been searching for house herself found me a house she thinks has my name all over it.  Argh!  So far she is right!  It is a condo with a garage.  It has a place for a library!!! Something I have dreamed about.  The basement is finished so it would take the place of having a cute upper floor.  I could see a craft room downstairs.  What topped it off because it was unexpected but right down my alley was the flag pole out front.

I need to get my brain and heart under the Great Shepherd's care.  The future can keep.  I must trade in the fear for trust and obedience.  God has proven Himself.  He has never forsaken me.  Not only has He been there in the little everyday things but He helped my parents with their house and He answered a big prayer of mine.  I cannot forget these answered prayers not only because they were huge but also because they are small and everyday.  He has been the Partner and the Pilot and I have been treating Him as such.  I bring things to Him.  I need to let Him drive this adventure and I just relax and go for the ride.  If I push or even if I pull (can't believe I just said pull but it is true - I can't pull back), I would usurp God's hold on my life.

Keep me safe, O God,

for in You I take refuge.

I said to the Lord,

"You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing."

~ Psalms 16: 1&2

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am going to share with my parents my feelings so that they know my fears but I will also show my Dad the link to that condo.  Most importantly You know my fears and dreams.  You know my personality and You know what I can handle.  This house might not even by mine.  You will be there in pain and in 

happiness.  Your Presence is fullness of JOY.  I must stay in Your Arms.  I am here for the ride.  I am putting in place Your Words to keep my mind stayed on You.  Thank You for keeping me.
always,
keeper

skinny comments ...

I was born skinny and have always heard the comments about my weight.  One thing that is really hard to forget was the comments at Thanksgiving.  I never was a big fan of bread.  It had its place like a sandwich or toast for a quick brekkie but at Thanksgiving I was never going to allow it to trump the good food.  I could have a nice plate full of food and even take seconds now and again but because I didn't take a biscuit my poor grandmother would go on and on about how skinny I was and why wasn't I eating.  She knew better too as she thought my father was too skinny and hauled him off to the doctor only to hear that he was fine.  Like father like daughter.

Now with 36 food allergies keeping my food intake in check, I still hear the comments.  I go to a church that likes to eat and when I don't, the ladies make comments like 'no wonder you stay skinny.'  I still have body issues like all women and feel like I have to keep my mouth shut so as not to offend anyone else but oh, I am treated like their comments don't hurt or bother me.  I am quiet person and keep my raging thoughts inside because I don't want to backbite.  Then when I am having a low day, all these little things pile up into how big of a misfit I am.

I happened across a verse in the Bible that encourages me.  You can say that it is a bit out of context but then again it really fits. I am thinking I should make up a shirt to wear on the food events at church but then again that would be too pompous of me right?

"For the Kingdom of God 

is not the matter of eating and drinking,

but of Righteousness, Peace, and JOY in the Holy Spirit."

~Romans 14:17

I know that fellowship seems to involve food but that fellowship is broken when the peace is crushed and the JOY is stolen when you make the bad choice of making a food comment that breaks a woman's heart in two.  Please fellowship with me by taking a walk and talking about God's Beautiful Handiwork.  Please fellowship with me by making something with our hands and encouraging others with homemade happiness.  Oh, how much more we all could get out of fellowship if we could get rid of the food!

Though one day I will be able to eat in fellowship with Right Ways, Peace, and JOY in the Holy Spirit and it will be all the beautiful brightly colored fruits and veggies.  I will look at you with a twinkle in my eye because truly this is my Bridal Feast and no skinny comment will hurt or break me again.

ps.  Don't get me wrong.  I am glad I am skinny but it still hurts to hear women make comments.  And I am glad you can't read my mind because as you fill your plate with four and five desserts, all I can think of is cancer...... or diabetes..... all the borrowing of health issues...... and by no means does that mean I am safe but why borrow trouble we don't have to...

There Is a Mystery in Human Hearts

There is a mystery in human hearts,
And though we be encircled by a host
Of those who love us well and are beloved,
To every one of us, from time to time,
There comes a sense of utter loneliness.
Our dearest friend is 'stranger' to our joy,
And cannot realize our bitterness.
"There is no one who really understands,
No one to enter in all I feel";
Such is the cry of each of us in turn
We wander in a 'solitary way.'
No matter what or where our lot may be,
Each heart, mysterious even to itself,
Must live its inner life in solitude.
And would you know the reason why this is?
It is because the Lord desires our love,
In every heart He wishes to be first,
He therefore keeps the secret key Himself,
To open all its chambers and to bless
With perfect sympathy and holy peace,
Each solitary soul which comes to Him.
And when beneath some heavy cross you faint,
And say, "I cannot bear this load alone," you say the truth.
God made it purposely
So heavy that you must return to Him,
The bitter grief, which 'no one understands,'
Conveys a secret message from the King,
Entreating you to come to Him again.
You cannot come too often or too near.
The God of Mercy is infinite in grace,
His Presence satisfies the longing soul
And those who walk with Him from day to day
Can never have 'a solitary way.'
~author unknown


I groin heavily in my solitary way.  There is something distinctive about presence especially when it someone captures your mind, heart and soul.  When that presence is gone for too many days, an undertow pulls the heart down.  What a comfort that there is a PRESENCE that is bigger than any other.  What fullness of JOY.  What a pleasure to bask in His Smile and to have His Arms enfold me close.  {joyful sigh}  Psalms 16:11

burden or blessing...

Have you ever felt that you were more of a burden than a blessing?  Where the words 'I am not a very good friend, and I don't know to what capacity I'm able to be a friend to you' come back to haunt you in the dark places of your mind?  Where you are just a time slot penciled in a spot that may just fill up at the last minute and because you have no priority status all that is left of 'you' is a grey pencil smear in an appointment page long tossed out? Have you ever just felt so tired of your heart breaking in a millions pieces that there is no more heart to care and all you want is to feel happy again but then why hope?  And if you are sooooo tired soooo sick of being tired, won't you do something extremely drastic enough that might mean an end to the friendship you so very much want to keep?

Why is it that I want this friendship so bad?  Why is it that with all the busyness that I have added to my life to stave off the wolves of loneliness will I add this friendship to priority status and not even think of it as another thing I have to do?  Momma always said 'you will do something about the things that are important to you' and I will hold to that like a dog with his favorite bone.  Yet, I feel that tired coming on.  It is like a numbness seeping in the edges of my heart and threatening to stop it cold.  That is frightening...

All I could do was make an inaudible whisper to my Heavenly Father for strength and shelter.  Like always He comes through.  Today it was a song I heard twice and I whispered a Thank YOU.

No One Ever Cared Like Jesus 
I would love to tell you what I think of Jesus,
Since I found in Him a friend so strong and true.
I would tell you how
He changed my life completely;
He did something no other friend could do.

No one ever cared for me like Jesus;
There's no other friend so kind as He.
No one else could take the sin
And darkness from me;
O how much He cared for me.

All my life was full of sin when Jesus found me;
All my heart was full of misery and woe,
Jesus placed His strong arms about me
And He led me in the way I ought to go.

No one ever cared for me like Jesus;
There's no other friend so kind as He.
No one else could take the sin
And darkness from me;
O how much He cared for me.
Ev'ry day He comes to me with new assurance;
More and more I understand His word of love.
But I'll never know just why He came to save me,
Till someday I see His blessed face above.

No one ever cared for me like Jesus;
There's no other friend so kind as He.
No one else could take the sin
And darkness from me;
O how much He cared for me.  
~Lyrics and Composer: Charles Frederick Weigle, 1932

yup, you definitely forgot ...

(You Forgot To) Remember

By IRVING BERLIN

[1st verse:]

One little kiss, a moment of bliss, then hours of deep regret

One little smile, and after a while, a longing to forget

One little heartache left as a token

One little plaything carelessly broken

[Refrain:]

Remember the night, the night you said, "I love you"

Remember

Remember you vowed by all the stars above you

Remember

Remember we found a lonely spot

And after I learned to care a lot

You promised that you'd forget me not

But you forgot to remember

[2nd verse:]

Into my dreams you wandered it seems, and then there came a day

You loved me too, my dreams had come true, and all the world was May

But soon the Maytime turned to December

You had forgotten, do you remember?

[Refrain:]

Remember the night, the night you said, "I love you"

Remember

Remember you vowed by all the stars above you

Remember

Remember we found a lonely spot

And after I learned to care a lot

You promised that you'd forget me not

But you forgot to remember

Wow, just heard this song for the first time. I had to find the words ...

Yup, you forgot to remember me but I can't stop remembering you. All it was was a good friendship with potential right? Oh well... Time has helped a little ... well, a whole lot. It still burns me... that I am so forgettable. I am a keeper.... but no one keeps things any more. I have gotten on ... I am a whole lot better too. The wound has healed but the scar tissue isn't soft like baby skin. It is tender but a bit harder. Keep me - is all I ever wanted but now I will never admit it. Jesus Christ was forsaken so that I will never be..... I'll stick to that. Doesn't is say in the Word, ... ' a faithful man, who can find?'

fill the loss ...

She has lost both of her parents to aids. Her care giver also died and they keep saying that she isn't handling it well. Of course they are always telling me that she is super quiet. Well, I choose her because of her sad eyes and I know all about quiet. It is not something you fix. It is personality and we quiet ones have a lot to give in a deep sturdy steady kind of way. However, her correspondence doesn't match a seventeen year old and it is basically the same thing over and over. I highly doubt she even knows my name.

No matter what, I hold onto the quiet troubled soul and wrap her in prayer. I worry that she won't get what I am trying to say so I tell God to rewrite as it takes flight.

My life is vastly different than hers and I can only draw from my experiences to get down into her shoes.

Dear E,

We had a real cold winter with a lot of snow. The cold and flu season is hitting us hard. As I begin writing this letter to you, I don't feel well. All I want to do is sit in blankets and daydream.

Have you ever daydreamed about people coming into your life to stay awhile - to stay forever but they do not?

I have had two daydreams like that. One in my childhood and one in my adult life. As a child I wanted a best friend. I was a lonely child and found books as good friends since girlfriends would come and go. I struggled to find someone who had my back. They only would hurt me and then leave me.

As an adult I wanted a husband. I thought I found one. We had long talks. We had felt like two misfits but in finding each other, we were no longer misfits. However, he vanished and I didn't know why. This loss left me devastated and crushed. I was a mess. It took six years and on some days still counting to get over this loss.

Loss is uniquely painful and devastating. Your story will differ from mine but loss is loss. You walk around wounded. No one seems to care. Everything is left up to you and it is a wearisome burden.

Because it it was all up to me and I wasn't handling it well, I unclenched my heart and gave the loss to my Heavenly Father who promised never to leave me nor forsake me. I let God fill in all the loss with Himself. I gave my festering wounds to Jesus Christ who was wounded and pierced for all my sins. He is Healer of wounds. I still have scars and at times they ache a little but they are proof of healing. The precious and mind-blowing thought is that Jesus Christ still bears the scars on His hands, feet and His side from this wounds from my sin.

It takes time to heal but I have abundant joy and when I feel the loss come on, I talk back God's Word. It is about not letting the evil one tear you down.

Have you dreamed of people staying awhile in your life and they have let you down? Are you crushed? Will you keep your heart shut up tight or will you let go and let God carry the burden? Hard choices but you will find peace.

Often when I feel the old ache coming on and then I get busy thanking God for never leaving nor forsaking me. When I have fallen asleep, the tears are not hot nor angry. Rather the tears are of great joy. I want this for you. You are precious in my eyes but more importantly you are precious in God's eyes.

As I am finishing up this letter, I am getting over my nasty cold and feeling much better.

E, keep reading God's Word. Keep seeking Him! He will meet you there.

Always,
keeper

Psalms 62:1&2
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my Salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my Salvation;
He is my Fortress, I will never be shaken.

Deuteronomy 31:1
The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you;
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

the glut of birthday parties ...

Ok, be patient with me. It is a personal musing and wonderment about birthday parties...

I had an alone childhood where books and my bike kept me company. I have a picture of a birthday party of mine where I sat with a neighbor boy smiling with my birthday cake made by my grandmother. I think that is the only birthday party that I had where someone outside my family was there. There was no grand hoopla at my 16th even though I stupidly wished for some grand jester. As an adult I do not expect huge tidings of birthday wishes granted from friends or even the outside world. Sometimes it is even hard to get a small gesture from the bros but mama knows she must celebrate with me or I am devastated. So I do know the power of a birthday and the value it gives you when someone goes out of their way to grant birthday wishes.

I am noticing that a great deal put into birthday parties for the young these days. The internet is laced with oodles of themed birthday parties. Gone is the simple gathering of cake and ice cream and in is the grandiose themes. I am visual and I must admit that I visit daily a wedding and party blog to enjoy the many different ideas that help me be creative in my own life. It is fun and mystical. I feel that party feeds our need for adventure and celebration and creating but I think birthday parties in particular should not be sooo grand. I could be all wet, too.

I went to my nieces 3rd birthday and her parents invited over all her friends (aka kids). There where lots of presents and when the presents were opened it was like watching vultures waiting to feed on the overkill. Yes, I made my gifts and even dolled up the bag. I suppose that fed into my disgust of where the focus was. These kids weren't die hard friends. The little niece probably won't remember them as life picks up. There was so many gifts and the misbehaving vultures ... it was all toooo much. But all the young parents these days are doing these big parties and argh, I am glad that I am not a parent.

I love parties. However, for my kids I would want a more personal more family oriented birthday party. If I was to throw a kid party, I would have a summer party where no one kid got a ton of gifts over another. That way I could make sure each kid had fun and my child won't be getting all these 'toys' that they really don't need. Plus, where do you put all these gifts????

I know I am more of an introvert and covet one on one time with those I love. Big parties and tons of people make a wallflower out of me but I love the detail and fun and the hugeness of it. I love planning parties and I love attending but give me a personal birthday party any day! Shouldn't birthday parties be more cozy and personal?

treasure lost ...

So this guy from Canada is looking for a long lost love of 45 years ago in Melbourne, Australia. They got lost in each other over the matter of 3 hours. He made her promise to write him and she did but the letter got lost for 3 years, but he got it none the less. But he never returned the letter and got married and divorced to another girl ... yadda yadda. Now he has says that he only fell in love once not twice or 1 and a half, just once. Now is the time to fix old regrets.

Normally, I would fell for this sentimental sob story. Not this girl anymore. See I had an encounter that totally changed my life. Probably can't call it love but it was a real strong connection at the very least it was a friendship that had great potential. Well, the bloke off and left. Even though we really had something, I sorta knew that he would leave but it still caught me off guard. I had no regrets. I think we even talked about the passage of time and what it would bring. Well, sorry to say I am not one to wait till 45 years later to look him up. Why would I wait? Crazy notion. Why waste alllllll that time?

I could scream! Doesn't love fight to keep? Think love grows on trees? Think love will come back? Love is fragile like a petals on a rose. Love is rare. Why the games? Why the cloak and dagger? It burns me up.

It has been 5 years now and still counting. I am still here and reachable. I have the box of memories all in my head. I shoved them into the corner but sometimes they come back and torture me. The audios play out his inflections, thoughts, arches, and statements that went high on the end like a question. The voice gets me every time. It is a struggle to get myself back but I do. He has messed it up for every boy that comes after. Do I care? No. But I do.... because now I have the wounded heart and I caught it from him.

I used to side with Love. I had her back. I knew the potential and the power. Now it is a silly old daydream that is nice on a rainy day....

I wish the man well on his quest to locate his lost love but you don't loose what you treasure....

the dark side ...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Today I feel a bit black and moody because I tried to speak important things I got brushed off twice. It made me want to react like a child and go silent. But no, I am adult and I know better. However, it is there and makes me dark. It is important and I would like spiritual guidance.....

I love You because You will never leave me nor forsake me. What I am grappling is important to You. You won't ignore me. Foremost You want me to keep my eyes on You and keep in the Your Love Letter. I want to keep to the Truth and I want to engage in conversation with my niece to know where she is at.

Can I do this? Can I make her feel safe to open up to me about the books she has read? Can I ask questions to get her to think? Will I be able to talk, I mean really talk to her? Will it happen????? I do need Your Help. Can I bring Your Truth and Your Wisdom to her without loosing her???? I need Your Words. I will be quiet and wait on You...

I love YOU!!!
always your daughter

single period.

I have made a decision that I am going to be happy and content with my God-given gift of singlehood. However, I must warn you that if you ask and tears well up, it does NOT mean that I want you to set me up. What is worse than living a singular life is the dating. I absolutely hate it. I am the most unsure of myself like a new born horse. If I was to get married, it would have been from getting to know someone like from a friendship.

Please do not think you can rescue me. I am a hopeless cause when it comes to human intervention. God knows me and yes, I have to work on my 'comfort' and stability of little 'ol me. Last year I hit a milestone birthday and at Christmas I had to deal with someone who thought they could rescue me sent me into a deep end of emotional stress. I had enough. No more. Now if I can control my welling of my eyes and have the right words. So to the ladies that tried to rescue me today and to anyone else who thinks they are the best at matchmaking, I am not having it and I will become my worse nightmare. I would rather keep that under wraps. Thank you very much! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

victory in scars?

Last night I was struggling with an old festering wound.  It is about loss and I don’t want to totally give this up.  I don’t want to burn old pictures or letters.  I don’t want to toss old magazines or even the socks.  I don’t want to give up the habits of holding on that I have been doing for the last five years.  I hate late night tears and they were coming.  So I just left my grief at His Feet and turned away to sleep.

 

This morning I was minding my own business and singing to God when Pastor Luzter came on the radio speaking of wounds.  Just what I needed so I jotted down the searing words.  This will be part of my ‘talk back’ so that maybe this wound I hold will heal and I can walk upright again.

 

“Some people never let their wounds heal.

Scars are proof of VICTORY.

Let the wounded Jesus Christ bless and heal your wounds.”

~ Pastor Luzter

love stinks ... teehee

I have a real hard time with Paul when he admonishes the singles to stay single. I think because he seems quite happy to be single and I am not. I think because I have always felt like a misfit and seem to always go against the peer pressure. It just seems that marriage is a place where you can finally breath without looking over your shoulder. So I rather like what Jesus has to say on 'singlehood' in Matthew. It feels more kind and encompasses more singles than those who have no desire for marriage.

Matthew 19:12
For there are eunuchs
who were born thus,
from their mother's womb,
& there are eunuchs
who were made eunuchs by men,
& there are eunuchs
who have made themselves eunuchs
for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake.
He who is able to accept it,
let him accept it.

Well, 40 has brought on me needing to accept singlehood. It is one of the hardest things to do with so many hazards out there sabotaging my every thought. I was going along with my life and my Amigurumi addiction was keeping me level and functioning then I get asked 'if I was married' and 'if I liked boys or not' at a family Christmas function. Then later I get this call if I would like to go on a blind date. This person was well meaning and it was harmless but man, did it send my thoughts in a wild frenzy and I had some low points last week. BTW I said no to a blind date. Good grief! {take deep breath}

I love BNN {worldwide Christian radio} that has great hymns and pastors. With it comes a lot of marriage tidbits and help that I really dig. But after taking stock of my life, I have spent 20 years studying marriage, what a wife is, and what makes boys tick because I wanted to have the best marriage and be the best wife I could be. Now it gets me because singles need help. If a good marriage is a mission field for all those out there with bad ones then being single should be a mission field for all the singles messing around or are walking wounded. Elizabeth Elliot said "our disappointments are God's appointments." This is a good boost for a thought I have been nursing for the past months. Something along the lines of Singlehood Survival .... of course I am not main stream so maybe my survival kit wouldn't help others. If I create this dream and it only helps me to be full joy and vibrant than it is worth it. I know vague on the dream but people like to rain on my parade and fail to shush and truly listen.

Oh, I have thought of a retort for those pesky questions on my marital status and it is Biblical! It is good for those 'talk backs' I need to pack myself when the heart starts to bleed and the mind goes into downward spiral and the tears heave. I might not quote all the verse as it just might blood to boil but parts of it still packs some heat....

Marriage is honorable ...
be content with such things as you have.
For Jesus Himself has said,
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
So we may boldly say:
"The Lord is my Helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?"
~ Hebrews 13:4-6

If I really need to shut someone up, I would quote all of it but this saids a lot right here. It certainly shuts me up! I do get a killer wicked grin on my face and I get my mind back and the bleeding stops and the tears recede. I am sure I will have dark episodes and that I would be out the woods on this but I have my footing back and I will keep fortifying myself with His Love Letter.

lost ....

When I woke up yesterday I wondered what I would feel being it was September 11th. With feet on the floor to begin a new day, I wasn't feeling much but as the day wore on and I let my mind travel back through the memories. What really made me weepy was the relationship lost. I remember clearly that day was a day you wanted to make sure all the loves in your life was accounted for and you went down the list checking off their ok. One particular relationship I had to wait a while because he was reachable. He did check in but his habit of checking out littered our relationship until today he has checked out for good.

I am not one who goes into a relationship for a reason or a season. I view all my relationships as lifetimes or at least I try. As a believer, I think we really should understand that we touch other's life for a lifetime. We will see the 'brotherhood' in heaven. I doubt very much this comes to mind but it should! That is why I still pray for this 'brother'. I shall see him one day. I don't know what that day will hold. I had wished for arms outstretched and big hugs around but I just might think of the missed riches we both could have had. Or maybe just seeing the power of my feeble prayers working out a strong faith in him will wipe away all wistful tears.

So yeah, yesterday was full of prayers and tears for a personal lost on a day of national lost. Through it all I 'talked back' that I am not alone and that my Foundation is Sure. I am loved and sung over. I am not alone! And it is a lifetime endurance run. Don't forget to keep the eyes on the Eternal....

vanished ...

Interesting story about a girl who met a boy on a blind date 59 years ago. They fell in love and were engaged. The boy gave her an engagement ring and went off to the Korean War. She sent letters but the letter were opened, read, and were sent back! She figured that was the end and started a life with another man. When her husband had died, the daughter looked up her mother's old boyfriend. Amazingly the old boyfriend was found. He too was a recent widower. They started up their relationship again and got married. She goes back to her home to get her clothes and comes back to find the guy is gone. She is devastated.

I can say I understand the feeling of lost, wanting an old love back, and possibly reuniting. I know because I have had a special someone up and disappear without giving a reason.

However, I know life is a journey. There is so many steps taken without that person and so many changes in my life that how can I expect that person to be the same person if I have grown and changed myself? All I have of this person is the very limited years when we exchanged correspondence and calls. Years have gone by and I still think of looking him up. It isn't really to reconnect but to check up on him to see how he is doing with his life. I hope he would recognize me and welcome me and yes, start up the old dialogue but that is wishful thinking. {{sighs}}

All I have is the guy I once knew. All his dreams, hopes, and his life stories. So I treasure them and shower him with prayers. That is one connection that will never go away - he is a believer. We will meet one day. I had only hoped to add many more memories here on earth before we crossed to Heavenly shores. Leaving him in God's Hands daily...

Maybe this is a reminder that it takes the other person to choose you back in love's equation. Maybe there is something wrong with the other person and God knew best then as well as now this isn't a good gift for a life time but just a good gift for the moment...

surface vs depth ...

I need this blog. I know this because when I lost the depth person, I was becoming anger and anger. Then when I was able to think on white screen, I found myself peaceful. It is like being able to exhale after breathing in. I am a thinker and that is who I am. I cannot change it. Yet as my birthday came and went I thought 'Whew, middle age isn't so bad but now I am having major loneliness issues again and what am I do with all that I am?' It seems my work life and my home life are at odds and I become a misfit inside.

When I was able to indulge with another deep person, he always mentioned the desire of meat and potatoes but he never had time to read my (ok, I must admit they were long) emails that where laced with depth. Then when we talked we always had fun and did talk depth until he got too tired and didn't have time for that anymore. Even as he wanted meat and potatoes, I secretly was thinking shouldn't there be some dessert?

My blog counter has recently cleared the map to restart the numbering. It gives you a chance to see what the numbers of visitors have come within the past year. The maps are archived. Sadly, for the 3rd year in a row the numbers have halved. I know my writing has been suffering and I have a new craft addiction and I am visiting/listening to more blogs so maybe I need to figure something out.

The thing I have been muling over is starting another blog on the lighter side or more to my surface and width side of me because yes, there is that part of me too. I never thought I would do another blog and wasn't sure how to do another because this is the place I put most thoughts about all parts of my life. I have not put pictures here because this is the a place for words and I didn't want to lean on pictures even though I am highly visual in my learning. I wanted my words to express the pictures. I must honor my writing and even get back to the creativity of it.

My list of blogs I visit/ listen to has grown over the past year. I have stumbled up hard core crafters and even other crafters who do their art on the side who have some really cool sites for their crafts. Again I don't want the pictures here even though I do talk about my creative side. So what if I create another blog for my visual side that would encompass my life but more light and less words since pictures are said to be worth more than a 1000 words....???

I love blogger. But even though blogger has come along way on the backside of things, I have tried to change the background. That comes with a lot of time and know how. It is just too messy and then I don't write. Yes, they have come a long way with the pictures but I think tumbler is more picture friendly. However, I first have to join to see. I just want something simple and easy so that I can spend more time on the writing or dropping in the pix and go. So maybe there will be another blog that is more friendly to the readers.... will give me the feedback that I am needing ...

depending on God vs depression ...

Hmmm, it seems I do have a very important choice. When the blues or grey clouds invade my mind like now, I can fall into despair & depression or I can depend on God. Yes, I know I need to renew the mind and I do but what a battle. I still walk in the dark for a while until the sun begins to appear. Yet at times, I feel I am just glossing over and it is just right under the surface only to rear up quicker.

I could try to figure out where the feelings are coming from but that is old hat. Food, loneliness, messed up plans .. I think all selfish motives if I am going to be really honest at the end of the day. I will keep going into training the brain and rereading God's Love Letter especially the tear stained ones about His Great Love for me. I will busy my hands at creating new things and give them away. I will train myself at reaching out ... instead of decompressing...

I could get my soapbox out but I am going to put it away. However, I will keep the soap out and suds away the dirty windows... I do have a lot of nice gifts in the form of family and pups. I have some neglected gifts that I need to bring out and put in the display like old friendships ... kinda scary because Mom says it is like tennis you have to put the ball in the other court so the other can volley... I do put that ball in the other court but I am always waiting for the return... Maybe I need a new picture to understand the game because I don't get it. Then I have some talent that I have no clue what I am suppose to do with it. I have an overflow of glass unwanted and maybe my amigurumi will begin to fall into the unwanted category as well. Ok, better turn the car around ... I also have some gifts like teaching and encouragement that I am not sure what to do with ...

Well, I better go get busy instead of mopping {{lopsided smile}}

Oh, I got fireworks tonight to enjoy! Must take my patriotic music to enjoy with!!! See, I do have great blessings in my life to count and delight in... offf I go to unwrap!

to keep vs to discard ...

'A season for everything' ... a time to keep and a time to discard - This has gotten me into a real think tank again. I thought I was ok with it but it is a thorn that keeps poking me. I am a keeper hence the name I keep. At the beginning of this blog I had been discarded and it provoked me. I have always been a keeper. Yes, I know I need to discard some things around the home but what really gets the anger flowing through me is when we discard people and relationships. Now don't think that I haven't done my fair share of discarding. I have discarded a relationship that was hindering my walk with God and it wasn't taken lightly. For the most part I tend to keep and there is the issue of holding my hands too tightly.

Father Abraham had to learn the season of discarding by keeping his hands open and offering up Isaac to God in a sacrifice. When Abraham was willing to do so even in much pain, his hands hand were empty so he could hold onto the God-Given promise of the son and generations that numbered the stars to follow. I have dealt with the questions of have I kept my hands open and allowed God the gift He gave me. I know I failed and I wonder if even with the gift gone, are my hands still open?

A modern day story has me wondering about how to know if it is the season to keep or to discard. A son taken by a native Brazilian mother back to her home country and then divorced her husband. She remarried and then later died. The father has been trying to get his son back home but the mother's family is holding on very tightly.

Shouldn't a father go after his son and never give up? How far does he go? Should he give up and if so when? When do you do all you can and when do you let God handle it? What does it mean to let go? Are you discarding if you let go? Or can discarding be a form of empty the hands so you have room to hold on to God's Almighty Hand?

Do not answer the questions to quickly or even at all. This is too hard to fathom. It is too huge for my heart and mind. I am left to wondering if the seasons of keep and of discard are similar in the fact that the main question to ask oneself is what will honor God? Even so, the season to keep and the season of discard is a ripping of the heart....

don't speak ... just listen...