anger snare...

Make no friendship with an angry man,
& with a furious man do not go,
Lest you learn his ways
& set a snare for your soul.
~prov 22:24 & 25

I find myself talking about anger a lot. I seem to be a calm person on the outside yet I know of this fire that can spring up very quickly and blistery. I hate arguing and raised voices. I would rather be calm, cool, and collected. Tone of voice, complaining, someone telling me 'speak up, I can't hear you' or 'what did you say?', having to repeat myself, and the obvious not listening or not getting what I am trying to say burns a white hot within my heart. I crave for peace and calm. I like myself best when composed.

I admire coaches who know how to direct their teams with quiet voice. Tony Dungy begins his season by saying to his football players that his voice will be no louder than this and look at the respect he gets. Both Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are strong coaches that do not yell or throw their tempers about the place.

How do I master the anger when it comes? Does this anger that burns serve me? What is my vision for my heart and life?

Heavenly Father,
There has been movement again about anger within me this past week. Today I was convicted strongly and I have to confess that I am lacking in self control with my telephone skills. Please forgive me. With You I can conquer this area that I am failing at. Just like the break through with learning how to engage others, I know You can break through in this area bringing me through. Those around me see my sunshine and now my vision for my telephone peeps to see the sunshine.

I tried the engaging and apologitic skills this afternoon and saw some break through... now I need to keep it up. It will be hard and I need You every moment. My heart is ready to break free from the anger snare. Thank You for not giving up on me!
~always trying

embraced forever...

I think I am a lover and a romantic. Yes, give me the ooooooowy goooowy yummmy sticky hubba hubba. Even as I say this I know true love is hard work but give me that too!!! Not afraid.

Being a very visual learner, I have to share my excitement over a rather interesting picture. A man and a woman preserved love by their final moments on earth forever. Eyes locked on eyes and arms in tender touch and legs intertwined ... Cannot help but be encouraged! Yeah, call me wierd. I do not care!

things vs people

memo to self:
Remember that when THINGS break down NOT to get bogged down in the frustration but to remember the PEOPLE surrounding the things. Always question yourelf: Thing or person? Am I using the thing to promote God's love, joy, peace, security towards the person? Ultimately, you are either proving God or the little gods (idols).

Thinking like this allows me not to put limits on God and to keep my people connections open and free of debris from the wreakage of things...

things I

29 - 17 !!!

Woooohooooooo!!!! The colts did it and I am happy happy! Was a bit nerveous when da Bears made their touch down the very first grab of the football but like the Colts they started slow and sure and steady all the way through!!!! Way to go!!!

Again the credit was given to God not in the usual hollywood way but a real way. It was awesome to see two quiet coaches and friends conduct themselves with such a calm that garnish great respect. It made me want to renew my own efforts to control the fires that rage at times within.

One proud hometown fan here. {beaming}

a note ...
There have been some deaths of football players outside night clubs etc... I heard over the weekend that both teams had a lot of respect for their coaches, they were not going to put themselves in any kind of bad behavior. How cool is that?

colts vs bears

rumors of war ...

My spirit gets weak and weepy as war has filled up every page of every day. Through tears and prayers I view the world as I hide out for rest in my space. Then last night Billy Graham had an old 'classic' sermon on that really gave me a peace. I cannot say the words he said exactly so bear with my telling ...

Rumors of war and war will be an every day occurrence.
so no peace?
Peace comes on in Him.
what about peace on earth?
Peace on earth was Jesus born to us.
so no peaceful days?
You ask the wrong questions. Peace is only found by putting your life in God's. You are promised and given Everlasting Peace so you can live in the days of rumors of wars and war. Peace will rule in the end. Good will triumph over evil. And after the Final Battle, Peace as you wish now will be forever.

Dear Almighty Warrior & Prince of Peace,
I feel much better. I was out of focus a bit. I have Peace living in me every day. By keeping my eyes You, the Prince of Peace, I can live in war and rumors of war. No, it doesn't mean that I carry peace signs. I have a battle to fight and prepare for no matter if physical or spiritual. I always knew I had a fighter's spirit....
~always Yours

Colts vs Bears

I am not a football fan. I like soccer and love hockey but I do not just sit around watching them. I will keep a running knowledge of wins and loses of teams around me, but no, to really sitting down to them unless there is an important game like the two teams from your back yard playing tomorrow at the SuperBowl. I probably will watch {sleepish smile}

I can remember back when in the late '80's the Bears and their SuperBowl Shuffle Song and Dance they did. I remember paying attention those games and watching of few. Love Walter Paton and Refrigerater Perry. So having them win a bid to go to the SuperBowl was pretty cool.

I like Manning on the Colts side and Dungy the Coach. Manning and the Colts have been trying to get past them Patriots for a couple of years now. Very happy to see him succeed this time.

I like the fact that the Bear's coach and the Colt's coach are friends. Love the fact that Dungy is a Believer. And it is pretty cool to have teams from near you able to make it in the BigGime.

Well, to the Bears your biggest fans are going to be huddled in blankets watching it on big screens cuz it is snowing back here as you play in warm Florida. And to the Colts, woohooo for home town pride!

I have no favorites to win so the game better be a nail biter all the way through.....

Just think two weeks ago the Bears where fighting it in snow on their own terf and the Colts was in a nail bitter - I couldn't stand to watch... this week total enjoyment ... well, honestly I might be leaning for a Colts win.... hey, can both win? Both making it to the SuperBowl is a win win, right? well, I will settle if only it is a nail bitter....

blizzard warning ... !?

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE ... HAS ISSUED A WINTER STORM WARNING... WHICH IS IN EFFECT FROM 9 AM THIS MORNING TO MIDNIGHT TONIGHT. A WIND CHILL ADVISORY HAS ALSO BEEN ISSUED. THIS WIND CHILL ADVISORY IS IN EFFECT FROM MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO Noon MONDAY.

STRONG WEST WINDS WITH GUSTS TO NEAR 35 MPH WILL DEVELOP BY LATE MORNING AND CAUSE LAKE EFFECT SNOW AND SIGNIFICANT BLOWING AND DRIFTING SNOW. WITH A DEEP SNOW PACK ALREADY IN PLACE THE EFFECTS OF THE WIND WILL BE EXTREME... ESPECIALLY IN OPEN AREAS. NORTH SOUTH ROADS IN RURAL AREAS WILL BECOME NEARLY IMPASSABLE.
VISIBILITIES WILL BE REDUCED AT TIMES TO ZERO.

FURTHERMORE... WIND CHILL TEMPERATURES AROUND 15 BELOW ZERO WILL MAKE BECOMING STRANDED IN A DITCH A LIFE AND DEATH SITUATION. NOT ONLY FOR YOU BUT FOR RESCUE PERSONNEL.

PROLONGED EXTREMELY COLD WIND CHILL TEMPERATURES OF 15 TO 25 BELOW ZERO CAN BE EXPECTED TO CONTINUE UNTIL MIDDAY MONDAY.

WHILE THE SNOWFALL WILL BE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO MEASURE DUE TO BLOWING... 2 TO 3 INCHES CAN BE EXPECTED BY LATE TONIGHT.

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW... SLEET... AND ICE ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE.

A WIND CHILL ADVISORY MEANS THAT VERY COLD AIR AND STRONG WINDS WILL COMBINE TO GENERATE LOW WIND CHILLS. THIS WILL RESULT IN FROST BITE AND LEAD TO HYPOTHERMIA IF PRECAUTIONS ARE NOT TAKEN. IF YOU MUST VENTURE OUTDOORS... MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A HAT AND GLOVES.
` * ` * ` * ` * ` * The tv is declaring a blizzard warning but the National Weather service is tamed down.

I lived through the blizzard of '78 and have fond memories of it and the things we did as a family. So when I heard there is a blizzard warning, I was surprised because we aren't getting much snow but a whole lot of wind. The wind is making the snow that we do have look like a white winter sand storm with twirls of snow and wide whisps of blowing grains of snow. Pretty cool to take in. I will give you updates if we do get some snow with this and yipppeee for blizzard only if I can craft away (and keep warm) without going into work on Monday!!!!

Oh, I had to laugh with the bit of mother talk posted up there 'MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A HAT AND GLOVES'. Sorry, that won't do. Needs to be more gruff. MAKE SURE YOU DOUBLE UP ON YOUR CLOTHING. I'VE BEEN WEARING LONG JOHNS ALL WEEK AND DOUBLE MITTENS EXTRA. Well, a hat would do wonders or ear muffs. I haven't done that yet. I don't like messing up the hair!!!

For all you who complain about the winter, I smile. You must enjoy or you will freeze up like a icicle!!!

things ...

O, the accumulation of things! Of late I have had this mental banter if something is not useful then it is time for it to go. Why go through the headache of it. It has tormented me and kept me from the peace and calm I crave. Like my iMac slowing up, I updated (& is much better) but I was getting close to throwing out! Now it is my jeep that I am having some evil thoughts!

Then I heard about how these parents raised their kids with the best concept about things. They taught them to ask ‘if the THING was a tool or an idol?’ I liked that because it deepened my own thinking on how I should deal with my things. Am I using my things for the advancement of the kingdom or am I overwhelmed with technology or gadgets that takes my peace and my calm especially when they crash and burn? Am I using the gadgets to give love or touch others? Am I using things to bolster my passion for living a Godly life and being God-Confident? If not, then the item stays on the shelf or the item gets donated. It isn’t just about giving out but can give you means to keep yourself covered and cared for. It is about the clear vision of whether or not you are enslaved or free. This comforts me as I deal with my jeep problems. I feel my hand opening up and my heart calmer. It is God's gift and He sees fit to give or take according to my needs...

God is my Keeper. By His Hand will I be defended and secured. He takes care of the sparrow so much so that He is mindful of my needs. I need not get bogged in the mud as I baha in my jeep…

Orange jumbo, hair, little flakes

1. Taking one orange jumbo jelly bean and savoring the flavor burst in my mouth is purely a simple joy now that I cannot gorge myself on sugar. Having this food allergy now allows me the opportunity not to overwhelm my taste buds with overload of sugar rather it gives me a time out to enjoy the first taste of an old love.

2. My love hate relationship with my hair has calmed. I am more patient and relaxed with it. I am not always cutting it every time it doesn’t feel just right. I have always loved its softness and even now with the silver lining peaking through the soft browns, I can feel graceful with how I deal with my hair. I still do not like hearing comments on my hair because the psycho babble in my head goes crazy.

3. There was light snow this morning. After swishing off the windshield I stopped and noticed the tiniest snowflakes. So small and so detailed… so beautifully created. I smiled because I know intimately the Creator and His handiwork is the finest and the richest. Tonight when I went home for the day, the snow was coming down so slowly like a real live snowglobe. Catching snoflakes on my sleeve to soak in the fluffiest smallest detail made time stop.

stewart of your gifts

Being a good stewart of the Gifts God has designed and given to you means taking what you have and realize it is a gift. I have a job. It is not what I want to do when I grow up. It is not what I love to do, but it is a job that has helped me come outside my box and engage others. It also allows me to help others with their jobs. I don't mind copying or mailing or organizing. It is rather fun and makes me feel good that I can help others. I am not good with talking but my job requires to speak. This job has stretched me. This reception job is a good gift and I must be a good stewart of my job. It is not about what I don't have like my own craft shop or writing project even though I also believe that my art is a gift as well. So I must continue to be a good stewart of my painting and my writing. It is not about focusing on what I don't have or what I have not achieved. That is discouraging and not being a good stewart...

What is in your life? Isn't it a good gift? Are you a good stewart of these gifts? How do you be a good stewart?

good gifts? family, pets, your passion, job, health, home, money, college friends, your crafts .....

love my Barbaro ...

I had watched Barbaro win his Kentucky Derby and then I was watching Saturday late afternoon for the Preakness as Barbaro was frisky before the race. Then the race starts with Barbaro fracturing his rear right leg. It seemed so odd to me (a novice horse race watcher) that a horse could break his leg while beginning to run. Looking back at how he acted before the race, I wondered if his frisky was more of knowing something. Maybe he knew his leg wasn’t up for it. Maybe he sensed this energy inside but not knowing for sure what it was. Or maybe he just was ready to get the race over already. I had felt and still lean towards Barbaro knowing that his leg wasn’t up for it. But that is my sensitive side wishing that we could back in time.

I am very sad and upset that Barbaro just couldn’t make it through and win this fight for his life. I understand that it is best to put a horse down. It is a part of nature.

What I loved about Barbaro was his fighting spirit. All through this he was upbeat and maybe the word should be frisky. It seemed he hungered for life and for the run. He interacted so will with his rider and then with his doctors. I applaud this animal to human connection.

Call me crazy but I am a firm believer about the language spoken between pet and owner. I have two darling puppers who I feel very aware of their speech and their delight. It is hard for me to let go…

Dear Gentle Shepherd and Creator of all living – animals included,
Thank You for the connections humans have with animals. Thank You for their drive and their dreams. Barbaro taught us to keep up the fight. Live life fully. Go for it. I hate to say good bye. The world needs a good Barbaro. Watching his progress, there where a lot of us cheering him on to winning this battle. The lesson is still there. Again Thank You for horses and for dreams that can run wildly to the finish line. I long to hear … ‘Well, done Barbaro’.
~ always a little crazy

fire patches ...

I love winter sunsets and sunrises. The powder blue clouds are the main staple with brilliant splashes of fire burned into the edges of these clouds and into the patch of sky where the sun is rising and shining from her previous day duties.

My morning compute was snowy roads that was a crisp 5* F. The branches of trees had an inch of snow covering them making it a beautiful frozen wonderland. My starving eyes ate up the view. I was getting pretty mucked out with all the rain and mud.

snow perfection...

The promise of lake effect snow has been pretty lame this year. We were to get some heavy lake effect last night. It started about 3PM and it is still snowing this fine persistant snow! It is sooooo beautiful to watch. You open all your blinds to open up your world to a winter wonderland captured like in those snowglobes! At night time you turn down the lights or just use candles or if lucky your fireplace. Then cuddle up under blankets sipping hot honey and lemon water and listen to soft music. I call this perfection of winter. Now for those who enjoy getting out in it, I say still perfect. Everything is clean and white. Good tires just eat right into the snow and you can make your destination. If you are childlike, it is calling you to come out and make snowangels. I don't think you can make good snowballs for those snowfights. MMM, I think this weather calls for a good bundle up and a walk especially with a loved one. If no loved one handy, it makes a good walk and talk with your Heavenly Creator and Maker!

one blue, one brown...

I saw for the first time yesterday a man who had one blue eye and one brown. His eyes weren't the wide open type and later I asked my parents if they noticed his eyes, they hadn't. Both eyes were light, one a light blue and one a light brown. There were no smile inside those orbs. He was talking to my father and I was in listening mode with great visuals of his eyes. But him being a stranger I couldn't ask about his eyes. I had heard about people with two different color of eyes and my father said that he knew of a guy with violet colored eyes. Now mind you that was before colored contacts! Oh, I wish my parents could have caught this stranger's eyes so I could know for sure that my mind eyes weren't playing tricks!

heritage...

I went to the double furenral of my Grandpa's brothers. Roy H was 89 and passed 11ish PM on Monday. Elmer H was 92 and passed 10ish PM on Tuesday. Yes, they were close in there quiet way all their lives. Roy was a 'blue baby' and his heart was damaged. Roy never married and lived close or with Elmer all his life. They were the middle brothers.

I wanted to go to collect in my visual library and in my thoughts my history and my heritage. It is kind of like collecting the dots. There were black and white pictures of my Great Grandparents, Anna and Amos (I never met). Dad pointed out the fancy attire in there wedding picture and compared it to the plain attire at their 50th Anniversary photo. We wondered when this might have happened. They were of Mennonite faith and the clothes are plain. Their wedding picture reminded me of days depicted in Laura Ingals Wilder books. She wore the long skirt and the nice frilly white long sleeved top. He wore a dark suit with a tie. The Anniversary photo had him in a plain suit and her in a plain dress typical of what the Mennonites use to wear. In another picture I could pick out Great Grandpa Amos because he looked exactly like my Grandpa but with white hair. In another photo there is this big white house with some people that look like the time era of the civil war. Dad has another photo of that house but he isn't sure who the people are or the time era. He thinks the woman sitting is his Great Grandma. Then there is another photo of with the Silver Beach lighthouse in the background. Why do I tell you this? Just interesting because in my Grandmother H's photos there is one with the backdrop of the Silver Beach lighthouse. I find it cool to think that a place I visited was visited by my past family. Makes me wonder what they were feeling and thinking.

I also got to collect some memories of Elmer and especially of Roy from their families and friends. My Grandpa was a verrrrrrry quiet man and so where his brothers. Walter, the youngest, probably was the vocal out of all of them. Roy intrigued me today because he was a loner and never married. His friend would get calls from nursing home saying that Roy isn't coming the game night. His friend would say 'that isn't his thing. He has his own projects and is busy. He is a loner and that is alright.' (Hmmm! You know what? That is encouraging. I know that I need people and I have finally learned how to engage them but so often I still end up feeling alone. Often, I find that I don't want to follow the crowd. I would rather enjoy someone without the chaos of the group.) In the final years both Elmer and Roy where in the same nursing homes. Elmer would visit Roy when Roy couldn't get around and Roy would visit Elmer when Elmer couldn't get around. If you would see them visit you woud find them just there. Very little words spoken if any. Roy was hard of hearing and Elmer could hardly speak. It was just PRESENCE! Isn't that something? Just enjoying each other's presence. Elmer had already thought Roy had died when they took him to the hospital. Elmer had looked out for his brother all his life. They were the last two of the family. Elmer knew it was time. He was going HOME right behind his brother Roy.

One other thing about Roy... his way of Bible Study was like mining words. He would go through the Bible and count up how many times a word was repeated. He did it on scraps of paper but oh, if you could have bound that up in a notebook! I would have loved to have gone through it! Maybe along my journey I can try that...

There was one thing that I thought was interesting and I want to do for my own funeral. There was a reading of the obituaries. Dad said that the Mennonite faith does not believe in eulogies so they do obits instead. I like the reading of the obits because if you are not close to the family you can get a bigger picture of their history. Plus, each person is a book or a story and this fills in the blanks so to speak. I want to write one for myself to remind myself Who my Author is and the dream seeds He placed in my heart. It would be a way to give back to God and for me to keep growing in His plan for me...

most exciting...

'You're no fun! That is the most exciting part of any movie!' Well yeah, I guess if you want to have metal-rubbing-against-metal-when-it-comes-to-your-breaks kind of adventure! I know I am pretty sensitive to noise but honest ... THERE WAS NO NOISE COMING FROM MY BRAKES! I did not know! I took my baby in because of a pink leak I noticed not because of worn out brakes and a busted boot thing. Then add onto that a leak in the back besides the pink leak. Pink leak has something to do with the steering rack and the pink liquid is filling up the hoods and then leaking onto the ground. COME ON! GIVE ME A BREAK! MY JEEP IS ONLY 4 1/2 YEARS OLD! Just taking care of the breaks is $525.77 to do the whole thing goes up to $1650.

No, I wasn't taken for a ride since I am a girl. The service guy is a real advocate and checks out what the grease guys are saying. They cleaned it out and put a dye in there to really see what is leaking before a fix up and a bleeding hole in my money pocket. So yesturday was sort of a bust. I came home and did a bit of housekeep the rest of the day with some movie flick soundtracks that rocked out. Then I put on my BBN.

I know God will take care of this even though nothing was under warranty liked I had hoped. Last year I had several major purchases but this one tops any of those. Yikes. I hope this is the last for this year.

God-possible ...

Indiana Colts head coach Tony Dungy said something that nudged me and I had to say 'AMEN'!!! This game they just won was a hard battle. Those Patriots were not going to give. I didn't want to watch. You did not even hope until that final grab of the football by the Colts did you realize they were finally going to the SuperBowl.

I can't find the exact words Dungy used but he said to look at the game. It was 'impossible' to win but because they did come through it was 'of God'. It was possible because of God.

more about Dungy

majority in the wrong?

What if 71% of us are wrong? What if God picked this President because he did not waver no matter the heat or the cost? What if God is asking us to pay a high price and we are not willing? What happens to our credibility if we bicker and smear a plan that could work?

''The battle is the Lord's'' is what the warrior King David said when he was just a shephard boy going against the Giant Goliath. Who would have thought a small rock would land just right to knock down a mighty man? Exactly something so wildly far fetch can only be of God. Is not this time in history in God's hand? Isn't the Battle in God's Almighty Hand?

Why must I quake and tremble of these evil times? Why do I find it so hard to pray? I am so confused! Make me blind to man's vision .. only open my eyes to Yours. I know You have the 'King's heart'. Keep him strong of heart and of soul. So glad You Keep him... {sighs}

sharing tidbits with ...

Something I have realized over the years and thought I should put a voice to it is when you love or care deeply for someone, you want to share. As I go about my days and my nights, I find something I like or think important and then relate it to a loved or cherished one in my life that I want to share this wonderful bit of yummy tidbit. Oh, and I don't limit it just to my sames, if someone likes something a bit different and I find info, I pass it on. It is a joy to see them light up because you thought of them.

Memories have flooded me these past weeks. Will they always seem to swirl in my mind. I miss someone and have missed for a long time. I miss our deep and light talks. sighs This morning in the warm shower the thought that being able to share is a gooooood thing. It shows you are alive and engaging. Your eyes are on and focused. You are ready to grab life and soak it in... to share a smile... but then again when you miss someone... sharing doesn't seem so good...

In my work life a chapter has ended and a new chapter begins on Monday. A colleague (a writer & film director in waiting) last day was yesturday. We talked writing, movies, health, politics, God, Bible etc. I gave him a card to express how much he had encouraged my life. Our words faltered even when we love them so much. No worries. I know we both know what we had meant to each other and that it is only a chapter ending ... there is no period. I could tell this from him as he said that emails might be sparse but it is there. He needs to change things up. He feels good about his new job though not in the writing field. I cheered his dreams on as he did with mine.

But Monday morning when I found a tidbit from my weekend I cannot share, he won't be there. I hate that. God brings people in our lives. I try to focus on why they are in my life. So when they go, mystery steals in like fog. As God puts you into people's lives to share you with them, so God puts people in your life for them to share themselves with you... hmmm, now that is a wow thought ...!!!

Babycakes NYC!!!

I have been feeling that need for sweets like that yummy oatmeal coffee cake or that upside down pineapple cake that was sitting down in the break room today. I take a bite but to dive in and truly eat a whole square with some hot blueberry tea would be divine especially when winter has finally taken whole with chilly temps. My attempts at my favorite past time (baking) has not turned out the best. I do have a a couple of recipes but not really sweet ones. Great news though... I might find myself baking again... maybe....

I heard about a bakery in NYC called 'Babycakes' that specializes in baked goods that are SUGAR free. Now hear me on this ... they do not use any artifical types of sugar either {yes!!}! Ok, besides sugar free, they are gluton free, WHEAT free, and vegan. I am happy happy beside myself. She did two of her recipies on Martha.

The only grains I can use is barley and oats. But today I was inroduced to garbanzo and fava flour and some other techniques she uses to make the baked good rise. I knew about the agave nectar just that I can't find it in the regular grocery store. I probably won't find that garbanzo and fava bean flour but I know I can buy that on line at www.bobsredmill.com.

So if you find yourself allergic to sugar but in the need for sweets and in New York City, check out BABYCAKES NYC.

Babycakes NYC
248 Broome Street
(Btwn Orchard & Ludlow)
New York City, NY 10002
Telephone 212.677.5047

Tuesday-Thursday: 10am-10pm
Friday-Saturday: 10am-11pm
Sunday: 10am-8pm
Monday: Closed

Looks just darling!

If you can't visit, you can check out the menu and have it mailed!!!

Martha told her she should write a cookbook! I would buy!!!

the heavens declare His Glory ...

My morning drive begun in the hour of blue. The sun can't be seen but her shine was peeking out. As I head east straight into the sunrise, I saw ahead the mountains! Beautiful pale blue clouds carved out against the pale yellow. It feels like I will be headed for the dip and then headed up the rise. On either side of the road are inky black tree trucks holding up in their branches encrusted with glittering diamonds like waiters with huge platters. I am in awe of the beauty! I could not get enough!

After my appointment I was able to take my scenic route to work. Love this country side in the morning! Fury huge work horses eating breakfast and nuzzling tug at my heart. The pale yellow chased the blue away but oh how the encrusted diamonds shone! Then the moment passed ...

You, oh Majestic Lord,
How You paint and carve out each new day just for my enjoyment. Thank You for Riches that make my words so feeble in awe. I am so glad you can read my heart. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Huge Hugggggers!
~ always your speechless little girl

to speak or not to speak ...

In church you know you need to be quiet to hear God's Whisper. When someone is sharing their pain and hurt, you know you need to be quiet and listen. When you are walking by loud construction, you know you won't be heard so why talk. So why is it that when you are in the dentist chair with his hands and tools in your mouth, do they ask you a question expecting an answer? Or how about at the chiropractor when he is using the Pro-Adjuster which is loud punching noices, expects you to talk when that thing he is using is loud. Add to that he is wearing ear plugs!

I cannot talk when there is a ton of noise. In reality I just cannot think! So why speak? =)

resourceful believer's pack ...

I live where I have 3 Christian radio stations to listen to but I would not listen. They did not fill the void I had. This past summer another Christian radio station became the fourth! I fell in love immediately. I now have my Hymns! no commercials either! Nothing soothes my heart like the Hymns. Plus, it is an international language of believers like the story Ravi told:

A man was walking down the street and he heard someone hum a hymn. He started to speak to this believer and found he could not because they spoke different languages. But they hummed together and smile giving each other hugs. What power!


BBN has actual radio stations all over the Americas (North, Central, & South) but they do not have radio stations else where. However, you can listen online. They broadcast in the following languages: English, Espanol, Portuguese, German, Russian, Chinese Simplified, Chinese Traditional, Japanese, & Korean.

Another great resource is using iTunes and signing up for podcasts. I am in the process of downing loading my favorite speakers which I will often write about here like Charles Swindoll, Ravi Zacheriah, Joel Osteen, Stephen Davey etc. They are free and you don't have have an ipod. You can listen right from your computer. You can even get a podcast of the Spoken Word. I will have to check it out some more!

BBN also has a Bible Institute where you can take Bible courses in English or Chinese Simplified/Traditional.

criteria for love ...

Sunday discussion from little bro was about how he is one who has a certain criteria for love and if you do not love according to his ‘way’ then you are promptly written off. I guess they were discussing this in one of counseling or psychology classes. He went on to say that they have ‘couple friendship’ started by a fellow classmate who is alike when it comes to having a criteria for love. Little bro and his wife do not take people seriously on the ‘oh, lets get together and do stuff’. Most never get back to them. Well, this other couple has totally surprised them by following through.

Back to the having ‘certain criteria for love and being written off if you don’t follow the list’ –
This stuck me. I probably … well … most likely … ok honesty here … I am the same way. I should have asked if the ‘teacher or the class’ felt it was wrong. Maybe I don’t want an answer because I happen to have strong feelings about it.

I have been ‘fixing’ myself for so long that I don’t want anyone else doing so. No, I am not bull headed about it. I listen and I am soft towards my need to change. I, however, am quite leery of adding more fat to my fat suit. I, too, am a fighter and it is very hard to keep the hands off the wheel when I am trying to right myself. I give all I can and if you choose to not need me, I won’t be where I am not wanted. And if you can’t give what I need, I have been painfully learning to be more carefree in my love. So there is a bit of my criteria for love.

About promptly being written off-
This is not taken lightly! There is pain and anguish in what I have done wrong and what to do about it. After hurting so much, you just pick yourself and dust off and give in to letting go. When you do, the release is so great it feels right. You realize it is better to be more carefree when it comes to love. Never expect love to come your way but you sure better give it.

The Life Journey is so designed by God that I trust it more than I do from human opinions..

people you serve ...

'In this life you are measured by the amount of people who serve you.
In the next you will be measured by the amount of people you serve.'
~ Ravi Zacheriah paraphrased

Ravi has been speaking about taming your passions and gifts .. always keep a true humility which means that you are dependent on God. False humility is self bashing.

As I prepare for 2007's theme, I am leaning on LOVE .. more about the 'service of love'. Ravi's thoughts are an added boost to this new year's path.

Joseph, model of letting God ...

I was sitting there doing my work listening to Steven Davey on the radio speak of Joseph and how he dealt with being in prison and with the betrayal of his brothers. Now Joseph is placed in Egypt taking care of the food provisions during the 7 years of famine that he predicted in the dream God had given the Egyptian king, when his brothers come to seek food. Joseph knew them straight away. They did not know this him as a clean shaved Egyptian dressed official. He never came out and told them off. He was in the position of power. He could have made their lives pay triple for the things they had done to him. Rather he chose to be very gracious in his dealings. I am sure those brothers felt very uncomfortable with this ‘stranger’ knowing ways like when Joseph invited them to eat. The seating arrangement was in the birth order. Oh, how they must have squirmed! There were several times Joseph had tears consume him where he had to excuse himself. When he finally revealed who he was, he hugged them in a bear hug and wept over them. What an act of forgiveness!!

I felt God tap me. I had someone very dear – like family dear – decide to rid himself of me. I have had many feelings – some of frustration, some of pain, yes, some anger. I often wonder how I would react if I could just capture his attention...

This past year I have grappled with my anger. Through it all I have learned more about myself. I know mentally what I need to do. I know in my heart how I do feel about him. I still like him. I don’t think there is anger. Sadness is still there. Wonderings are still there. A couple of weeks ago, I felt God say ‘keep an expectant heart’. No, not that he will come back but of the workings God has for my path. Looking at His nudges, sure there is always a possibility of him coming back into my life. So what will I do about it?

I want to act like Joseph. Like my prayers during our 3.75 years, I always acknowledged God’s hand in us. The time in my ‘aloneness prison’ has God’s hand in it. It isn’t about my lack of value in another’s life. It isn’t about rejection. Rather it is about God’s hand on satisfying my needs and yes, his needs too in His perfect time. I must act like Joseph. I must walk as if on hollowed ground because IT IS!!

Heavenly Father of Joseph,
I again am awed by how Your master plan is working the best when all seems lost on our human level. Oh, how devalued (plutoed) Joseph must have felt when his own flesh and blood tore his coat and sold him as a slave! Oh, how Joseph must have felt when he chose to flee the boss’s wife and her advancements only to end up in prison. Oh, how Joseph must have felt when he asked his prison mates to remember him when they were freed after interpreting their dreams. All of these ‘dead ends’ was the act of You setting into motion a way to care for Your chosen people. Joseph was the keeper of Your Master Plan. To even grasp that honor, just blows me away!

I want to keep this forefront. ‘You are before all things’ even at human level dead ends. ‘And in You all things HOLD together.’ (col 1:17) When everything is wrong and I can’t help but thing that it can’t get any worse, I want to remember You work best in these moments. My hope is in You ALONE. (Ps 62:1-2)

I want to be a Joseph when I need to forgive. I need Your help as I figure out my depths, my service, my rhythm and how I begin and maintain interactions with others. How does this fit in? I am expectant …. Thank You for Joseph. Thank You for my path and the mystery You placed there…
~ always Your child chosen

plutoed (word of '06)

the WINNER is:
to pluto / be plutoed
~to demote or devalue someone or something,
as happened to the former planet Pluto
when the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union
decided Pluto no longer met its definition of a planet.

Pluto-Related Words
DWARF PLANET: new International Astronomical Union designation for Pluto and other not- quite-planetary bodies in the solar system.
PLUTON: originally chosen by the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union as a category for trans-Neptunian objects, like Pluto, that did not warrant designation as true planets. However, the term was already in use in geology to refer to a large mass of intrusive igneous rock believed to have solidified deep within the earth.
Another candidate name was PLUTONOID.
SMALL SOLOR SYSTEM BODY (SSSB): object in the solar system that is neither a planet nor a dwarf planet (e.g., a comet or small asteroid).


“Plutoed” Voted 2006 Word of the Year by American Dialect Society

Wow! This word really moved me. How often do we feel 'plutoed?' A ton. This year I think this is a good word. I think a lot of us seem small. Quite surprised that YouTube didn't get it. It is used more. '06 was the year of YOU. Hmm, quite interesting...

heating on God's time ...

My little bro’s heating went out on Friday where they had called promptly to get it fixed. They had called a company that was referred by trusted friends. They waited all day Friday but no one showed up.

Little bro wasn’t happy and was relaying his concerns to us over Sunday lunch. They planned on calling first thing Monday morning.

Mom could hardly wait to see if they had gotten their heat back so after a couple hours gone by, she called. Here what happened was the guy knew he had forgotten something but didn’t realize until Monday morning that he had forgotten to check on little bro’s heat. He apologized profusely and after realizing that the problem should have been caught with routine maintenance, he did not charge them for his own mistake.

After hearing this again I was reminded that often our time is NOT God’s time. He loves us so much that within His time, nice gifts come our way like not having to fork out money for heating when worries of classes and a baby in waiting are weighing heavily on your financial path. Isn’t He an Awesome Father?

I had planned to get my iMac all squared away and my blog updated today. My mood last night wasn't in a good placed but I had hoped with a night of sleep, I would be ready for a full day of nothing but apple stuff.

Well, wouldn't you know it! I woke to a foul mood. Getting an early wake up call from Mom had us going to our college town. It was in the works for today and I wanted to go to exchange the great sweatshirt I had gotten from my little bro for a smaller size.

The new bookstore is great. It has a fireplace and seating, a cafe, and pretty cool college gear. I made a mental note that we will have to get the new baby some college gear! I did get the sweatshirt exchanged but was a bit nerveous because I had no receipt (had tags tho!) You should have seen the M! I could have fit about 3 of me in it.

Well, nothing got done on my to do list. Opps, one thing got checked off and I must say this family outing put my mood straight.

widgets...

Wooohoooo!!! Love the Widgets, love the Dictionary, love the iCal, love the upgrades of the messengers. Much faster. More colorful. More, more, more to express! Safari works ok with my blog even though some things are missing. I did not like firefox but going to keep it on my system just in case. (bummer)

I have been so busy playing and trying to get everything updated and iSync I am feeling guilty because December has ended and I need to wrap up my thoughts for the month and the year. I have been making a list and checking it twice. Slowly but surely I will get caught up!!!

HK degree in memory ...

Suffering all weekend with a mental battle to why I couldn’t get that memory and Tigar installed on my iMac, I decided to once again try even with my food allergy headache clogging my thought process. I proved successful and can say I have a HK (hard knocks) degree when it comes to installing memory.

I hate to reveal this but I had gotten some memory some time ago. I installed it but the clips to hold at the notches on the memory just didn’t fit. For fear of breaking the memory bar or killing my iMac, I just let it go. There was no message that there was an increase of memory. Bummer.

But with my computer slowing down and knocking me off line because websites were becoming more advanced and to top it off, I was struggling with my favorite thing to do (blogging), it was a do or die situation. Plus, after being told that my machine could be upgraded and money invested, I was a horrible wreak.

So I tried again. I was putting the memory in straight and trying to push hard enough to get the clips to hold the notches. So this time I pushed the one side in and was able to get the clip to hold right at the notch! Could I hope for success? Then I pushed the other side in and what? Yes! I could clip the notch. Tipping the iMac back to his upright position, I was wiggling around with hope. Turning on and clicking system profile, I could hardly contain myself. YES!!!! The memory had taken hold. And when I put the Tigar upgrade everything worked beautifully. I am afraid of a long night tonight and I must go to work in the morning … grrrr

Thank You Heavenly Father,
For helping me even when I was throwing a temper. I am so sorry. I wish I could take these bumps more willing and with a soft grace. I needed these bumps because I needed to know more about my iMac. I needed to go to the library and find the books. I need to read up. I need the magic to work more efficiently and to make the iMac serve me instead of suffering because I was unwilling to risk.

Whew! These books are thick! There is a lot of stuff! I can’t wait to do new things. I am excited get past the beginnings and get to the writing. There is a new toy I can’t wait to explore. The Dictionary built right in? Excellent! No more running to get my favorite friends (dictionary & thesaurus).

You are All-Knowing and I must trust and lean into You more quickly. Thank You so much!!!
~ Your mac-crazed little girl

my personal journey '06

What do I say about this year now passing? Interesting. Major changes or maybe major shifts have happened in my path.

I gave into to talking a food allergy test. What could it hurt but make a dent in my wallet? The outcome was more than I could have guessed. Overhauling my kitchen and my life around 36 food allergies wasn't hard but in the same breath it still is hard. I don't want to be overly focused on food. I wonder if I will finally get to a place where it is second nature.

I gave into the loss of a major friendship. I got pass the yucky part where you are angry one minute to desperate the next. I now have feeling of best wishes and dreams for him. I still miss him. I still miss us. But having God as a Constant fills in the scary places.

I have given into letting go. If it isn't working, let go. It goes for things as well as for people (sadly). When it comes to people, I notice I get in the mix and paint up a storm only to find out that I was the paint hog and the other person wan't into it or walked away. I realize my rhythm is off when with others. I need to be more aware!

I let Grandma H go. I have memories that come and visit. When I used up the blueberries or used the blue canning jars or the wedding glasses, I think of her and my other grandparent memories.

With each letting go, a stage of life has passed. I know the earth moved but did not feel it. It sort of just is.

While I have let go of some baggage, I will keep some things as well. I will keep better eating habits. I will keep the precious memories of my loved ones. I will keep the valuable lessons of getting free of my fat suit and making sure that I bring myself as an equal partner to all my connections. I will keep my surface in balance with my depth. My surface used to be deformed and itty bitty, but not anymore. I will keep the most valuable lesson of engaging others. This has wowed my shyness! I can finally do it!

I hope that what is really seen in me from this last year is a leaner me .. more free...

Hark! the Herald Angels sing...

I have often wondered why they put the carol 'Hark! the Herald Angels Sing' in my favorite movie "It's a Wonderful Life". What was the connection? I believe it to be in how God can change our darkest night into a Christmas morning. What a transformation God's Saving Power can do to a life ...

Hark! The herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King;
Peace on earth, and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled!”
Joyful, all ye nations rise,
Join the triumph of the skies;
With th’angelic host proclaim,
“Christ is born in Bethlehem!”

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Christ, by highest Heav’n adored;
Christ the everlasting Lord;
Late in time, behold Him come,
Offspring of a virgin’s womb.
Veiled in flesh the Godhead see;
Hail th’incarnate Deity,
Pleased with us in flesh to dwell,
Jesus our Emmanuel.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Hail the heav’nly Prince of Peace!
Hail the Sun of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Ris’n with healing in His wings.
Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die.
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Come, Desire of nations, come,
Fix in us Thy humble home;
Rise, the woman’s conqu’ring Seed,
Bruise in us the serpent’s head.
Now display Thy saving power,
Ruined nature now restore;
Now in mystic union join
Thine to ours, and ours to Thine.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”

Adam’s likeness, Lord, efface,
Stamp Thine image in its place:
Second Adam from above,
Reinstate us in Thy love.
Let us Thee, though lost, regain,
Thee, the Life, the inner man:
O, to all Thyself impart,
Formed in each believing heart.

Hark! the herald angels sing,
“Glory to the newborn King!”
- by Charles Wesley 1739

wonderfully rich

my Navaho Christmas Card ...

I always enjoy getting Lolita's Christmas cards. They are always selected with her heritage in mind. I always want to put them into frames because they are so beautiful and I know carry such meaning.

It is a dark night. Father and son are coming home on their horse drawn wagon to their warm hut. Mother and dauther are waiting for them. Such a beautiful picture. I love it!

May beauty surround you,
Beauty before you and beauty behind you,
Beauty above you and about you,
and may your road home
be on a trail of peace.
Happily may you return.

Yaateeh Keshmish*
(Merry Christmas)
*Navajo Language


my Navaho Christmas card
WinterCount: American Indian Greetings

few fav movie of 2006

*** 'One Night with the King' ***
** 'the Lake House' **
* 'the Holiday' *
* 'Step Up'
* 'Take the Lead'
* 'Flicka'
* 'Firewall'
* 'the Guardian'
* 'the Prestige

sort of listed in order of my favorites ...

fav reads of 2006

Ron Mehl's books!!! I am a huge fan!!!
*'God Works the Night Shift' {huge wow!}
* 'the Tender Commandments'
* 'Meeting God at a Dead End' {on the list to read next}
* 'Surprise Endings'
* 'A Prayer that Moves Heaven' {better than jabez!}
* 'Love Found a Way' {best to read at Christmas}

I had to add Ron's books to my libray because after reading ''God Works the Night Shift'', I knew I needed and wanted to reread these books over and over. A great addition to your devotional and prayer life. Well, just plain good for your life journey!!! If you want a recommendation for just one of his books, I guess that would be 'God Works the Night Shift' because once you read that one, you will see why you will want all the books.

* ''The Blessing'' by Gary Smalley & John Trent
I read this and found a great way to bless a dear one in my life with the meaning of his name. I was struggling with a way and this book helped. Everyone should add 'Covenant Blessings' into their lives as a way to celebrate each person of great value. What a way to empower others.

* ''The Gift of Honor'' by Gary Smalley
Another great way to conduct your life whether you are single or have a family. If you really get into the depths of honor, it isn't as easy as it feels it should be.

* 'He's Just Not Into You' by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo & 'Called a Breakup Because It's Broken' by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt
Ok, these books are a bit on the crass side. But when you are deep in your sad slumpy self, you need a huge wake up call. These books will do the trick. Expect to be angry. But anger helps you get over him and move on with YOU!

few fav tunes of 2006

* ''Saving Me'' - by Nichelback
* ''I Got You'' - by Craig Morgan
* ''Kill Me Now'' - by Rio Grande
* ''Why, Why, Why'' - by Billy Curlington
* ''Bring It on Home'' - by Little Big Town
* ''My Wish'' - by Rascal Flatts {great sequel to ''What Hurts the Most'' & my life now}

I was a bit frustrated because when blogger updated and I tried to transfer to their new stuff, I lost my profile which is where I was keeping track of my favorite tunes. I did find a slip of paper where I had been making notes. Boy, do I need to be more organized! I think I shall be with my usb port. Hmm, I think I better put that on my firsts for '06!.

few firsts in 2006

*life change – 36 food allergies 2/6/06 – zone
*1st basket 4/12/06
*1st child 3/06
*Aus Blue Pumpkins – baby bush & jarrahdales
*Knitted (loomed) 1st ‘christmas stocking
*Knitted (loomed) 1st purse
*Painted 1st teardrop flower
*Painted 1st humming bird
*Painted 1st sweet pea
*Painted 1st pumpkin ‘mice’

monthly thoughts from 2006

Jan: ''Build your life around your passion!''
Feb: ''Live romantically!''
Mar: Know and use your unique signature 'color' all over your world
Apr: Be the flame not the moth.
May: Your life is your ART!
Jun: Bright eyes gladden the heart! .......... prov 15:30
Jul: The heart that loves is always young. greek prov
Aug: To engage life cures a stagnant mood. ~k
Sep: Use words of faith & victory.
Oct: no fat suit - all rudie nudie!
Nov: make new wine
Dec: hold to what you have

'06 theme: the year of the Gift

2006 was the year I had name for learning and putting more beauty in my life. When I do this, I am asking God for His teachings. But to my surprise God had other plans. He did not have beauty in my teachings but rather teachings about Gifts, the kind of Gifts He gives and how I hold them with hands open but receiving.

I first learned about NOEL and how this name in modern translation means 'precious gift'. Even though I tried to express the importance of this beautiful name to a handsome person (no word back), this definition was really for me. This dear name is everywhere at Christmas and I even have a permanent reminder in my home, so I cannot get away from going directly to prayer of thanksgiving for the God-Given Gifts everywhere in my life and the missing Precious Gift.

Because of this Precious Gift handsome person touched my life by accusing me of not being 'rudie nudie', I learned a year later a gift of ridding myself of the 'fat suit'. So really a gift is good when it ends that the gift keeps giving good in your life!

Well, in honesty by learning about gifts and getting rid of my fat suite, I have allowed an invitation for Beauty to come into my soul...

passing the football ...

I see God and Gerald Ford on the Heaven's shores hundle up like two American footballers. I can't hear what God is telling him but Gerald is in rapt attention. They are in the Halls of History. I am sure God is showing him Heaven's side of the typastry of Time. Then I see God point out in the vastness. He pulls back the curtain and shows Saddam beeing jerked into his afterlife three days after Gerald was called Home.

Both God and Ford had tears in their eyes. God's tears were hot and sad. He had given His most Precious Gift. Again another had rejected... Ford's tears seemed to be awe of God and the humbleness felt...

Heavenly Father and Almighty King of kings,
I can't help feeling such amazement as history keeps unfolding... so fast before me as I sit here on the edge of time especially when men and women with great shadows whether good or bad enter Eternity. Diana and Mother Teresa. Shivo and Pope John Paul and Ronald Reagan. Now Gerald Ford and Saddam.

I am amazed of the contrasts. When these things happen, I feel you tapping me on my shoulder to pay attention. As I ponder, help me listen in with Your Wisdom...
~ always your little girl

history in His Story...

When Ronald Reagan died, I remember talking to him about Ronald and Nancy's love affair. We talked again about how letters can really make a relationship. Oh, I miss talking to him...

Tonight I watch another Presidental Funeral of Gerald Ford. I am learning a lot of history and learning of another great love affair. I was a little girl when Gerald Ford was President. I don't remember much. So tonight I have been pondering a great deal...

History has looked kindly on Ford. From the looks of it, he did not have much favor in that time even as he tried to heal a nation. I can only hope that history will look kindly on George W Bush. God is in charge of all of history. His ways are not ours. Even in our attempts, God uses it for His purposes... Good will triumph over evil in His Perfect time...

Betty and Gerald's marriage was not perfect but it was loving and enduring. Fifty some years? I can only hope.... but as I did some calculations I could have fifty some years of marriage even at the deep in of the 30's. I would be in the deep in end of the 80's. Oh, I certainly miss talking to him...

Rocky Balboa ...

I would rate this movie as a 9. I saw Stallone a couple times on Christian shows promoting his movie. I thought this interesting. I enjoy the Rocky series. I really enjoyed Adrian and Rocky's relationship. I didn't see Christian overtones. Rather, it is undertones and you have to connect the dots.

This movie is true to the first movie. Rocky continues to reach out to the underdogs of this world. In creating this movie, he never broke character. I like that. It has been quite a few years and making a new one it is easy to use new stuff and to forget what you learned from your history.

This movie is dirty. It takes place in the same dirty neighborhoods of PA. He still lives in there. You see that he did not take his fame inside. He stayed true to who he is. That is what makes him loveable.

Adrian is still a major part of his life in spirit... Yes, someone tried to keep that from me before I saw the movie, but I kinda knew...

Stallone wrote the movies. And he did admit that the first and this final movie are autobiographical. No wonder I like him... He is a gentle giant. He takes underdogs under his wings. To me that is pretty special. I remember that deep feeling I had as a little girl and that desire to see underdogs succeed....

bottomed out ...

I had the evening all set to spend with Mac. I had been nerveous and excited all in one. It has been a long couple of months with distence and shut downs. Tonight was suppose to open up a whole new world.

No, not talking boyfriends here. I am talking upgrading my old pal the iMac. I prepared to 'destatic'. I put the memory in and like the last time the white tabs that are suppose to match up with the notches on the memory don't. I push hard (being small I am not sure if I am using enough ufph). Well, it won't go in any further. I don't know how it will stay put. I flip Mac back in upright position and turn it on. Wooohooo, time to put in the disk.

The disk is a dvd. I open it up and read what I am suppose to read. Then I click on the installer. Up comes the big X screen with a button to restart. I click it. So Mac does his thing. What is suppose to come up is the installer screen. But that does not happen. I have a screen showing the installer button just like before. I restarted several times. Then I shut it down. Checked the memory again. Turned it on and restarted several times again. Then I went surfing google to get help on troubleshooting. What I find is not what happened to me.

What a mess. When things like this happen, I break down. God has been with me the hold time and I again come crying and tearing myself up. I know this is just a stupid human desire. This isn't eternal. Yet, I bring up all the things I could better use ...

I thank God that He doesn't need to be upgraded. He never slows down. He never just drops you for no reason. He is always there in every emergency. He is always working the NightShift and Weekends. It doesn't matter if it is a holiday. His manual is always included. He is always there. There are no lobby music blaring as you wait on the phone. You can take on life even without macgroups because God is in your group. You don't have to go the library to get five volumes of mac books to see if they have an answer to your problem....

My heart had that feeling again where the bottom drops out and it left scrape burns all down my insides... I was afraid that I would not sleep... I cried out ... He heard and granted me sleep .... I promised not to touch mac the next day...

waiting on memory ...

I know they told me 6 - 10 days and with Christmas in the mix, I figured at the earlist tomorrow and the lastest, next week. I am talking about my upgrade and memory for my iMac. I got my upgrade Wednesday but still have not seen the memory. I am biting at the bit! I have been trying to stay calm but a little impossible! I had them ship to the office but now with the weekend looming, probably not a good choice. I am also peeved because they didn't get the addresses down right nor the spelling of my first or last names! Good grief, where they listening????? So I am a nervous wreck!!!

cliff hanger ...

We have all seen the cliff hanger where there are two mountain climbers, one is desperately holding on to the other climber who slipped off the peak. The shot settles on the two hands holding but the grasp is getting weaker. The faces are twisted in agony. Fingers holding fingers. The holder swears he will never let go. The hanger's mood shifts from holding on to letting go. The viewer is screaming 'Nooooooo!'

I have seen many scences and I have often gotten mad at the climber who let go. 'Fight to stay,' I howl through gritted teeth. Why do they alway give up. Why do they always tell the other to let go. It is better, they say...

I finally understand. I was the one who slipped off the mountain. As I am dangling there without a firm stronghold, I look into the eyes of the holder and say, 'Let me go. If you continue, we both will go sailing over the cliff. I have had my fill. It is better for one of us to be saved, and today it is you. Today we go our separate ways. Let go of my hand ...'

Wow, I never thought I would let go. I am always the fighter. Tired doesn't mean old age rather a long and fierce journey... Not sure where this will lead me... I put hope on the Mystery God revealing slowly but surely in my steps... hiding my tattered and ripped spirit within His Saving Wings...

leaning opportunities ...

Twice over the weekend this fact tapped my heart. God give us opportunities to lean on Him. I swirled it around between my mind, heart, and spirit.

First, God takes away. Now that would wake any one from a deep slumber. Some run further from God and some lean in harder. For me I have to admit I get angry and I have my mad chatter with God. Then I give up and lean. With this new thought, I can walk more humbly and near God. Maybe I can save myself from the useless petty fits I throw.

Second, God gives. Some take it and run. Some drop in awe and give thanksgiving. I have made a habit of gratitude and it comes easy to give God credit. Not sure about the other side of the fence, but I bet there are a lot that just take in their grubby little fist without the slightest thought that God gave. I give credit to God for helping me find that 'we love macs' site. I had given up all hope on upgrading my computer. When a sunrise is especially brilliant alll are!, I give God credit for His Artist's touch. Every new thought or inspiration that comes out of the blue to me, I give God the credit.

So whether He giveth or taketh, God gives us opportunities to lean on Him. It is up to us to give in to His gentle and strong Arms as He holds in a sweet embrace...

notes & stickies ...

I was cleaning off the little pile of notes and stickies that had accumalated on my desk this past year. It was like checking my growth and thought process. I had questioned why people leave me. I had lists of why it was wrong. And that pesky little question I had about why good gifts had to expire. It is good to know that I have come to a peace with God about it. I can throw out all those pieces of paper.

I still don't understand. Sadly and with joy, I gave 'it' up. I still continue to give up. I resolve to be more of a free spirit even in the mist of my depth when it comes to relationships. I won't give up engaging others because that was of God .. I know that for sure.

Clearing out old notes and stickies, allows for a new year of lessons to unfold... I wonder where I will be next year at this time ... as I look back to where I was a year ago ...

desk rage (v)

OOOOh, they finally named it. We all know about road rage. Now we have desk rage.

signs
-frustrated
-trapped
-late
-lots of sick days
-moody
-steals office supplies
-can't get along with others


I am sure we all could add a few more to the list.

orange zest ...

I have 18 oranges to consume before they all rot! I think I can do it!

I love the smell of oranges. I love how you can bend the peel and watch the juice squirt. I love chocolate and oranges together but with my new eating habits I have discovered changing up some routine flavors with orange zest.

I have added it to my blueberries and cottege cheese. Nice! I have even added to my tuna patties. I have added it to baby oil for a nice refreshing scent. I add it to my candles to refresh the room... It is only the beginning!

love it!!!!

Noel (n)

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
~ James 1:17

Through this year the word 'gift' has toyed with my spirit. As I would try to capture it, off it would go for another spin around me. Quite a dizzy effect. I had a good gift and recognized it from day one. I was always keeping the Eternal in my sight of vision. I did not want to mess up. Well, this good gift expired and I did not quite understand.

I know that Noel means 'Birthday of our Lord' but recently discovered a modern version of the definition means 'Precious Gift'. How fitting! On the human level I tried to express to my gift the value of who he was. But on the Heavenly level I have a Precious Gift like no other.

I do understand that God knows me better than the future I could dream up. He understands my need for 'value' and that that good gift that only lasted four years could not give what he did not have. I can only hope that all I poured into this gift will continue to ripple and nourish my loved one.

Through all the ups and downs and prying my fingers off the gift, Friday past God whipered to prepare my heart and keep it prepared... for what? For the good gift to return... I think more importantly than questions, I need to keep my heart prepared for God Himself. I believe and know for sure that God is the Greatest Gift Giver. You a true gift giver is one who delights in finding that perfect gift that the receiver where the eyes light up and the heart skips a beat or two. Pretty awesome truth.

Christmas Eve this verse came to me. A Christmas Hope that my Heavenly Father and Husbandman does not shift like the shadows of the night. I can whole heartedly trust and lean into Him.

It matters not that good gifts expire because the Precious Gift of all good gifts does not expire. He will continue to bless me with good and perfect gifts. I am here in the moment... expectant...

I want snow!

Bummer, it is not a white Christmas, rather it is a green and muddy and rainy one. Not a happy camper about it. Had to 'baby' wipe the puppers feet everytime they came in from the outside. Where is my snow? It is a usual here but nooooo WA, TX, CO, WI got it and rather a bit naughty. I would settle for it to stay under freezing for a good while now with a couple of inches of that beautiful white stuff...

Why do I like snow? Because it is a wonderland of peace and beauty. Everything is transformed and clean. No nasty bugs or mesquitos of summer time heat. Oh, and one of my favorites is my winter clothes! I enjoy the layers and turtlenecks. I truly believe you have to have winter and you have to have summer to really enjoy the opposite season...

childhood wonder of Christmas

My nephew Ethen will be three in March and this Christmas was the best one for all of us to watch him as he opened each of his gifts with such glee and wonder. Each gift was a best gift. His eyes were non-stop twinkling and he was non-stop with chatter. All the lights could have gone out and his eyes would have lit the whole room. I think this a best Christmas...

late night painting gifts ...

I finished all my personal paint projects and have tucked them into the oven to bake tomorrow when I get up. I must bear gifts tomorrow and I am like always cutting it close. I need to wrap all my presents too. Mom wants me there before noon. Did you see what time it is? Late, late or early ... depending on your view. I need to go nite nite and dream sweet dreams .. if I don't I better go wrap my prezzies! I did have creative success. Everything I had invision in my pretty little head came out onto the pieces just right. Can't wait to give them.

As I bear my gifts I ponder the Great Gift Giver of all and how much He has given me this year ...

exploding...

I have been doing some downunder reading about those fires in the Victorian State of Australia. Very sad indeed for nature and the animals. Koalas' cannot run so they do the only they can do in the face of danger is climb their trees. What are their favorite trees? Eucalyptus trees. Do you know what happens to the Eucalyptus tree when on fire? They explode! because of the oil in the Eucalyptus tree... I did not know about exploding Eucalyptus!

the relationship squeeze ...

I am going to share some things I've been put to the flame on. Not sure how to share this but to list. I was going to talk about them in separate entries because I feel they really need some depth yet I feel the need to get it all out at once.

Things I've learned from my connections...
* Relationships are a piece of art.
Yes, a piece of art that takes two creators that share and compliment each others flare and color. Now have the artists step back. Take a look. Let it seep in. Now ask the artists what they put in and what they take away from it. I bit you will have two different answers.

When I think of relationships as a piece of art, I can step back from the relationship and notice the sames and differences. I also see the amount that each put into it. If it isn't balanced, I have realized that maybe I need to step up or step back.

With art an artist needs to be able to let the piece take on its life. After realizing this, I noticed why my art pieces are not in balance. I must stop getting so in the zone and see my co-artist pace. I must release and let the art happen...

* When it rains all you can do is let it rain.
I saw this quote and I stopped! Nothing you can do when it is pouring down rain. You cannot will those clouds away. You can mop in the bay window and let your tears fall with the rain or you can go curl up with a warm blanket and a good book. Same with relationships. You are going to have to except that you cannot change someone else only yourself. I know this one. But I like this quote and it is soothing in a strange way. Instead of my eyeballs always straining for any hands or knees on the wheel, I can relax and go to my best place, my creative soothing place - home.

* Can't squeeze wine out of a dried up grape.
Grapes and raisens are both good, but when you squeeze and crush raisens .. quite useless on your part. Why not stop it? Same with relationships. You got to be aware of your partner. For me I must me more on top of it. I must keep my sences sharper in an interpersonal way like understanding what someone can't give and understand what I need. If I get this quicker, my sences will be sharper and the art created together will be more balance.

* When you focus all on the differences, all the 'sames' are lost.
I am acutely aware of this. I love my name because it is unique. I love certains things about my personality because I tend to like things that are not the norm nor do I follow the crowd. However, I really like it when there are sames to enjoy with another. (believe me I am such a contradiction!) I guess I equate that with growing rooted and deep with another. I don't feel so lost or feel like a freak show. I feel accepted and even loved with sames. Differences in relationships are needed. The right differences compliment each other and together you can go further than if you went alone. Please hear this.. I welcome a healthy balance of differences and sames. What has really hit home is that when there is a bump in the road for a relationship, it is because of differences but with total focus on what makes you you and makes the other other, you lose sight of all the connections and intersections that brought you together in the first place and these 'sames' are what keep each other nurtured in the togetherness.

''thou art all fair''

Jeremiah 31:3
Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love.

Sometimes the Lord Jesus tells His Church His love thoughts. "He does not think it enough behind her back to tell it, but in her very presence He says, 'Thou art all fair, my love.' It is true, this is not His ordinary method; He is a wise lover, and knows when to keep back the intimation of love and when to let it out; but there are times when He will make no secret of it; times when He will put it beyond all dispute in the souls of His people" (R. Erskine's Sermons). The Holy Spirit is often pleased, in a most gracious manner, to witness with our spirits of the love of Jesus. He takes of the things of Christ and reveals them unto us. No voice is heard from the clouds, and no vision is seen in the night, but we have a testimony more sure than either of these.

Yes, beloved believer, you and I have had times of refreshing from the presence of the Lord, and then our faith has mounted to the topmost heights of assurance. We have had confidence to lean our heads upon the bosom of our Lord, and we have no more questioned our Master's affection to us than John did when in that blessed posture; nay, nor so much: for the dark question, "Lord, is it I that shall betray thee?" has been put far from us. He has kissed us with the kisses of His mouth, and killed our doubts by the closeness of His embrace. His love has been sweeter than wine to our souls.
~Spurgeon

When you really sit back and take in His Love, when you really take notice and see His Love, when you give Him the credit, His Love really changes you and you feel your heart expand...

Bethlehem (noun)

means 'house of bread'!!!

How fitting! The Bread of Life came that calm night for any who would partake. What food ... what love!!!

1. O little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see thee lie;
above thy deep and dreamless sleep
the silent stars go by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
the Everlasting Light;
the hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.

2. For Christ is born of Mary,
and gathered all above,
while mortals sleep, the angels keep
their watch of Wondering Love.
O morning stars together,
proclaim the Holy Birth,
and praises sing to God the King,
and peace to all on earth!

3. How silently, how silently,
the Wondrous Gift is given;
so God imparts to human hearts
the blessings of His Heaven.
No ear may hear His coming,
but in this world of sin,
where meek souls will receive Him, still
the dear Christ enters in.

4. O holy Child of Bethlehem,
descend to us, we pray;
cast out our sin, and enter in,
be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels
the great glad tidings tell;
o come to us, abide with us,
our Lord Emmanuel!
Text: Phillips Brooks, 1835-1893
Music: Lewis H. Redner, 1830-1908
Tune: ST. LOUIS

Bread of Heaven, feed me till I want no more ...

broken window ... free flying

Whew!!! Feeling much better today. A few things looking up even though I busted the sliding window at my receptionist desk! No damage to me but a slight nick to the keyboard though. To bad I don't have a glass knife to cut the broken pieces down to a nice picture size to paint on!!!

Well, to the good news of the day...
... the computers are back. I saw them move in my old friends back to the back room. I just might be able to finish my Christmas letter yet or make that my New Year's letter during my hour lunch break.
... I stumbled upon a great website for us Mac lovers! Here I found the software since Apple was no help nor carries their old software I need and a number to call. I made my call today and found out that I can upgrade. I do not have to buy an whole new one. I am doing my happy dance. I just might have my upgrades by the first or second week of January.
... that transaction I made that I wasn't to keen on turned around and I feel better. I am not a sucker and I don't like to feel like it.
... I got to express somethings that had been piling up yesturday on my blog which when I woke, my 'sour' mood seemed to have dissapated.
... I also worked on a paint project for a girl at work. As I speak they are baking and I can hand them off. Now my time is freed for my own Christmas paint projects!

It is amazing when you can find a verse (Ps 25:17-18) to speak to God with and cry out. He hears. The struggle might still be there but He puts the bounce back in your step. I hope I can get back some of things that have fallen by the way side for this December. I like to make lists in prep for the New Year. I like to have a theme ready for my learnings. Compared to last year, I am really behind...

Thank You, Heavenly Father. You bring on the sunshine when all I have is the rain. Thank You.

enlarged troubles

Dearest Heavenly Father,
The troubles of my heart have enlarged; I am feeling irratated. It is not one problem but three! I have projects that needed to be completed and the weekend was not my own. I made a transaction for the sake of a gift that was given to me and I personally did not want to deal with this person. And add to that trying to make sence of break down. Bring me out of my distresses!Haven't I had enough? I can't take much more. I am in a sour mood. I hate this feeling. I just want peace. I can't seem to adjust. Look upon my affliction & my pain, My cherished joy is gone. I need peace. It is Christmas time and once again as I fight to go slow and be calm, chaos rules. & forgive all my sins. Oh, I would have thought it wierd to have that phrase within a cry out to You, but as I have been in this fowl mood, I have sinned. I have habored ill will towards that person I made a transaction with and still get heated at his lack of character. Then I wonder at my own for thinking such thoughts. I have been short with my words. I have scowled and snarled because things are not going my way. Pleae forgive all my sins! Please calm me. I want that childlike expectant glow. It is Christmas... and I want that glowing in my heart...
~always your child
(~Ps 25:17-18)

where are my ears?

He captures you with his warm brown eyes and his cutie shy grin. He is all verbal with some boy noises for his car but man, my ears where glowing red with alll his words! His favorite question? 'What ...?' What are you doing? What is that? exact words the pups know and Andy is up barking. He even would know the answer! No wonder my mom creates stories and words for little kids and for big kids too. I am going to have to get my stories sharpened to keep him mentally occupied with losing mine! When he wasn't getting his way, he would start in about 'where is his daddy?' Yikes! what do you say? I told the truth and hoped that he wouldn't go into full blown tears! He ripped my heart out by saying 'daddy left me.' No, my dear, he is coming to get you! He is one smart cookie too. He can tell the difference between Bobby and Andy, our toy fox terriers. He loved to help me with closet cleaning and doing laundery but oh, not to pick up his toys. I swear for being a boy he has full command of his words! I struggled with his language. I would repeat what I thought he was saying and no, I would get it wrong. You know Thomas the train? James is his favorite not Thomas! Everytime I would say Thomas ... no James! Oh, and he would tell me what he had at his house. I was eating an orange and he wanted some too. I loved how he would refer to the orange as wet. I would say 'juicy' and he looked at me with such eyes and say juicy with a giggle attached to it. Loved that moment. One last thing! It was potty weekend let me tell you. He is learning to do his thing in the potty and not the diaper. I did a lot of potty talk with letting the boys out and having him have his potty time. I did force the issue Friday night. Glad I did. I would not have liked taking care of that diaper. By the next day he was telling me he wanted to go. The draw was the red star and green christmas tree marshmellows Grammie had gotten for him. Let me introduce you to my 2 and half nephew!

another exclusion...

When I discovered my 36 food allergies, I had this sinking feeling that 'Great, another thing to keep me from others.' It played out today. The guys where cooking up a lunch for us girls at work. When I was asked if I was attending, I asked what they where cooking. The answer I got was 'its a surprise'. I declined. Good thing too. Lasagna and a salad. Stuff I could not eat. I would have been hungry and it isn't pretty when I am hungry.

But the 'missed yous' from the guys just kinda made me feel ... upset. The week was a bad one and to top it off with this...

It isn't the first nor will it be the last ...

glorious pink!

Being greeted by the eastern sky aflame in pink made me want to hit a high operatic (wow, a real word! I checked!) note of joy! This eye-popping pink burst and seeped across the sky and lit everything in it's pink. What a magnificant Painer God is! It wasn't a good week and to be caught up in this pink glow was a moment away from trouble brewing in my depths...

I did not care if I was going to be late I had to capture it in a picture. Good thing too, as I traveled to work this pink turned a faded gold...

dunstan baby language ...

'NEH' = hungry
'OWH' = sleepy (comes from a yawn)
'HEH' = discomfort
'EAIR' = lower gas (come from lower tummy)
'EH' = burp (comes from upper chest)

This info comes from once again Downunder! Priscilla Dunstan who is sensitive to noises people make found when she became a mother how to understand her new baby. The tag for this amazing ability is 'eidetic memory' - a rare photographic memory
for sound.

This language she discovered is universal for baby zero to 3mo no matter what country. Here this woman thought she was crazy!! but really it was a gift! I know she is coming out with a dvd soon if not already with real baby noises so you can begin to learn. What a wonderful gift to have...

meet Priscilla and get her dvd

hold to what you have ...

I have always gone back to 2003. It was a powerful year where being stripped of a job and sitting in my apartment, I felt a need to move towards the control I did have like gratitude, affirmation, appreciation, contentment, declaring His Attributes, claiming victory, delighting and savoring. Everytime I felt out of control that was my signal to move to what I could control. This movement was the opening to the Joy invasion upon my life.

I have a lot of mental battles with myself. It is a huge pain. I actually love my brain a lot but I get beside myself with issues or actions I need to take that it takes me down. I don't like that especially when God has done some painful surgery on my heart with Joy. I was juggling this thought hold to what you have on Friday as I was struggling with an experience that was happening. I began to take stock of what I did have and then in the mist God changed things. It proved peaceful.

Say you would like something like an iPod or maybe there seems to be another goodbye you have to deal with or maybe you would like to be in a different place with your professional work. All of these things are wishes, some are needs, and others are plain and simple wants. You feel the frustration and the anger mount. Start quieting yourself with taking stock with what you do have. As you do, you will see how God has blessed you already. A peace will come. Maybe the decision to get an iPod will be a no in the long run, but what you had was a weekend to decide whether the oportunity was a deal or not and that maybe it will turn out to be given to you! Maybe another goodbye is another void, but what you do have and had all along was a very hello family and supporter of who you are and dream to be and time to really focus on yourself and develope the home you believe you are. Maybe wanting to be in a different place with your professional work needs some tweaking, but what you do have is creativity and time to get it perfected.

The biggest HAVE is seeing how God came with you on all decisions will show you that He is the Satisfier...

winter wonderings ...

Heavenly Father, hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to You. It is cold here and my family and I are lost. I am searching because after nine days no one has found us. Only You see us. Lead me to find help. My family needs help. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I. This cold is taking my energy. The snow and rough earth is making my steps difficult. I really can't see. I need elevation. I need my family to make this outing. I long to have this Thanksgiving sightseeing trip make for a warm Christmas story. I long to gather my family close to me. I need YOU. For You have been my Refuge; a Strong Tower against the foe. I long to dwell in Your Tent forever and take refuge in the Shelter of Your Wings. Oh, I need Your Wings. I am stuck here in down in this earth. I long for Your Tent where You keep the fire burning always and hearty food to strengthen weak bodies. The bitter cold is a fierce foe. I don't know how long I have for my family. Nine days .. I had to find a way..
Ps 61:1-4

He reached down from on High and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep 'snow'. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from the 'bitter blinding cold', who was too strong for me. They comfronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my Support. He brought me out into a Spacious Place; He rescued me because He delighted in me. I've been rescued as well as my family. They are still on earth but see how my tears run down my face in Joy? All I wanted was my family to be safe, just as the Heavenly Father has for us. Wow!
Ps 18:16-19

I need a footnote here... What a great teammate you gave in my wife. We made great decisions together to keep our family safe. Guess what? She did not nag or yell at me about directions. We had the map. We both worked together. Respect is apart of Love... What a huge blessing...

I love You, O Lord, my Strength. The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer; my God is my Rock, in whom I take Refuge. He is my Shild and the Horn of my Salvation, my Stronghold. I call to the Lord, Who is worthy of Praise and I am saved from my enemies.
Ps 18:1-3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I wanted in some small way to honor those who take on a battle that is too huge for them. This is for all who wonder on their journey. This is for all who seek Him. It isn't alway as it seems with our feeble earthly eyes. Maybe with a tiny glimpse of eternal eyes, something so devastating can take on a Richness so Heavenly and Eternal...

I have to admire James Kim and I have to admire his family...
I have no clue what he was pondering in his mind and his heart. Like all of us touched by the Kims, I put my own ponderings within their story. I made it my own to ponder especially at Thanksgiving and at Christmas...

a thanksgiving sacrifice of precious gifts .....

lake effect...

Living with Lake Michigan above and over your shoulder, lake effect snow is very much apart of your snow experience. It is rare to have a snow storm come all the way from Washington State like it did over the weekend. It is more common to have the Canadian air sometimes labeled an Alberta Clipper sweep over Lake Michigan and bring us snow.

Two cities west of us always gets the lake effect but not this time!!! My county got it. I love it. Again I am a snowball! What I like is the beauty of white and the want to stay indoors to warm up with Christmas lights and music. I like the blankets and the painting. I like to cross stitch or maybe loom. Had to work though and driving isn't fun when there is that gloss on the snow, but it is soooo beautiful and each snow is different...

snow monster storm skipped me ...

I am a snowball I guess. Even though my hands are mostly cold and I begin wearing mittens way back in early fall, I totally love the snow. Anytime there is promise of a huge amount of snowflakes I get all excited. It is like a party to me.

So on the first, quite fitting for the first day of December I might add, I was looking forward to the huge snow storm that had marched from Washington state, through the plains and the midwest. No, not looking forward to power outages and no heat ... that was a bit too extreme for me. I just wanted some snow, gentle and calm snowglobe snow! Well, this scary snow monster of a storm hit all the midwest but skipped right over my state! I will not complain too much because I am grateful for the lights, internet service, and yes, the heat most of all because from last thursday to yesturday, it had dropped 52 degrees! It takes a lot for a body to adjust. Ok, I will admit I was wearing leg warmers and an undershirt for extra layers. Gotta when you already had one cold too many this fall.

I did have a snow fest Sunday night and a nice surprise this morning with a nice cold dusting of snow. It is a good start. It isn't sticking but it is a perfect snow that won't get dirty.

Happy snow! Happy hot blueberry tea! Happy warm winter made bed with flannel sheets and a wool blanket hidden to keep the toes warm! Happy Christmas lights glowing on the tree! Happy Christmas wreath with mittens! Happy time of year!

'objects-appear-closer-than-are' vision

I was kindly diagnosed that maybe I was being tight fisted about a friendship. After some personal mental debate, the diagnosis is wrong. My problem is that I suffer from ‘objects-appear-closer-than-they-really-are’ vision. No, I am not taking about looking backwards but rather when I look at someone straight on in a committed friendship or a relationship, I invest more into them then they do into me. (In fact others befriend me first. I do not befriend because it has never worked before.) I am a deep person. I am a listener. I ask probing questions to understand the other person. I have empathy for others. I am a sensitive. I am stedfast and here in the moment. Long after an encounter my heart and soul are working double time going through all the feelings. I am beginning to realize that others do not think like this or maybe a more correct way is they don’t act this way proving that I am a real freak show.

So if I what do I do with ‘objects-appear-closer-than-they-really-are’ vision? Is there any corrective measures? Do I stop investing all together? Why is it that when I see inconsistancy and voice it KINDLY it spirals into devistating conflict? Do I only interact on the surface? So does that mean I should not expect depth and commitment in those ‘investable’ relationships? Maybe I should be fickle? Does this mean I change myself?

OOOPs! Won’t do that! This is where I began wearing my fat suit. Won't be packing those pounds again. I will not change being a deep person or a listener, or using probing questions, or being empathic, or being a sensitive, or being stedfast. This is who I am to be, a God’s workmanship. This is a piece of sand that festers in within my heart and someday will prove to be a most beautiful pearl in His time. I have had other pieces of sand that have been in opposition with others but after time had passed and great agitation, I have discovered a peaceful pearl ( like my Joy Epiphany).

I will continue to be hypersensitive about not being where I am not wanted. I will continue to be hypersensitive about keeping my hands off the wheel ( I will not be bossy. I will not control. I will not be tight fisted) I will continue to be hypersensitive about pursuing dreams (meaning I am tenacious about encouraging dreams). I will continue to be stedfast and here.

If I was to take the deep out of me, if I was to stop engaging others, if I was to stop being sympatric, if I stopped questioning, if I stopped my empathy, it would be killing me, the best parts of God’s design.

I have had to just give up and to someone who believes in tenacity and endurance, giving up is slow painful million little deaths. To cope I had to make visuals for myself. The pearl, the airport, and the chauffer’s limo are my corrective measures.

Take an airport, here is where I will put all the people I will come in contact with. I will love, hug, and give them best wishes. (a gorilla lover of sorts I guess) When I ‘see’ their backside, I will wrap them in a prayer, wave a goodbye, and hop on my plane – destination home. I believe investing is loving and I must not stop. I did not finally get how to engage others to now stop permanently. If I can empathize with others, then I should be able to read their leaving signs better and faster. About the tight fisted, hands on the wheel control, I will always take the back seat as I allow the Chauffer to take me to places like the ‘airport’. I will never ride shot gun and I refuse to be a back seat driver.

This is a very sad day but what I will take from this is that little piece of sand that lies at the bottom of my heart that believes that a journey is two sided, -a journey walked and the journeyer supported, a journey of togetherness, a deep journey, a journey where both end up in the same place, a journey treasured and God-Approved- will one day confirm its worth as a worthy treasured pearl. That day will show that I am not a crazy freak.

side trail
What I know for sure is that good gifts expire. One must always give their best to others. You never know how long you have. Death is different than leaving. Death is final and God-Appointed. Leaving is people-appointed and when left on bad terms, all worth is flush out leaving you feel like a big fat zero. Selfish is withholding yourself and your love. Self-full is knowing how to balance self love and the love you give out every moment of everyday. If you are taking huge amounts of timeouts with God, then you are badly out of balance and cannot fully love as God wants you to love. If you are so out of balance and need huge amounts of timeouts, then expressing with your support team regularly can cut the amount of time you need. Good-Conflict is painful but both parties are seeking to love and understand each other. Bad-Conflict is lashing out and proving others wrong in the sake of protecting self. And choosing words like ‘I need to protect my God-designed journey blah blah blah’… could really mean you are not using God-Love to shelter the other in this time. Ebb and flow is the give and take not the hellos and the goodbyes...

Dear Heavenly Husbandman,
‘in giving up' and rest You promise Your Salvation. I never understood this and it is hard to understand even now. I hate giving up. It is not in me. My heart is black and blue. My spirit is deflated and shaken. But You promised Salvation. I must place my whole being in that. Save this wretched little girl. I need YOU. Love YOU … Thank You for keeping me. And about that piece of sand, I still believe in tenacity and endurance and that You require it of us as lovers. How long? You will quiet me and what joy when You reach down within me and pull out the most perfect pearl ... I will remain expectant but always loving ...
~ always Your little girl