it is so small ...

Wasn't sure what to write about and it could be due to the flucold I am battling. I did give in and took cough medicine. I did much better sleeping. But I struggling with the breathing part and when the med wore off, I just coughed and coughed. Now that I tidied up with a shower, my cough settled down. I feel maybe a bit better.

I saw this quote and decided that I would comment:

Nobody sees a flower really; it is so small.
We haven't time, and to see takes time
- like to have a friend takes time.
~Georgia O'Keeffe

Wow! Seems very pessimistic and unfortunately very true. You know the word friend has end in it. Why bother? I am sure we bother because of selfish means. I know I want some acceptance, approval, and a witness to my achievements. Don't we all? And don't we want someone around in the worse of times and not just the best?

I have Mom who is sick too. I've been chatting with her and in our dried up scratchy throats and feeling the pain together. However, living on my own I have no one to care for my ills. To be honest I was never babied when I was at home. It wasn't that Mom didn't love us. She did and she was there with an aspirin and hey, wash up - you will be feel better. I am not sure how she 'taught' us to be decent to live with even if you don't feel good, but she did. I wouldn't know what to ask for if I did have a living companion wanting to alleviate the down time. (Key being the companion wanting!) I did mighty well at being my own doctor tyvm! Besides finding over-the-counter meds to tackle what the throat w/o sugar, I make fruit smoothies for lunch and a excellent chicken, egg-drop, and barley soup for supper. Very yummy not only for the tummy but the throat is happy too.

Time. It is all about taking a time out for the important people in your life. Can you be the one to just chill in someone's down time? What happens if another wants to be babied? I know I couldn't. I had a roommate who had to be babied! I spent all my moments at the library! She wanted me to get her this and that when the this and that were in the bathroom one step from her bed! Hmm, what does that say about taking the time for someone? Oh dear.

It is so small or is it?

my grandpa L ...

From Thursday flu like systems to just having a throat on fire, not sleeping, and just a bit warm, I have no energy. I do have a small list of things to get done. I am keeping on top of the dishes and have swept the floor. I do plan on doing a load of wash. Fingers crossed! The other major project is for my mom for mother's day. She wants a shutterfly book of her parents. A big task! There are very few pictures and finding the pack pictures of my grandma as private nurse to a circus person is being allusive.

This set of my grandparents have been gone a long while. I do not know my grandpa because he died a year after I was born. However, I was his favorite and I love personal stories. Grandpa L was a boiler maker and he worked on the Battleship New Jersey and the USS Missouri. Before that he worked on a railway and before that drove a grocery truck around town. His parents died when he was still at home. They did in a horse carriage accident over a bridge in a storm. Grandpa L married his first wife who died while in childbirth of my Aunt Janet. Then Grandpa L married my grandma. I have the chest of drawers that he refurnished and strengthen with steel for my mom. He loved his caps and cigars. A famously funny that my mom loves to tell is how Grandpa L liked to take care of his cars. He made sure they were spotless. One day while on a drive, he decides to spit out the window. Well, the spotless window was super clean and was rolled up. My mom got into a bit of trouble for laughing at her daddy's mishap on the window!

Thought I would drop a few lines before I go off to shutterfly...

confrontation s.o.s ...

I admitted that one of my biggest weaknesses is CONFRONTATION and it just so happens that I heard a radio speaker talk about this issue. I of course was all ears to the point I was very excited and could not wait to hear the second installment the next day. The speaker is Tim Downs. (He is an author but when I went to google him there was another author Tim Downs whose books looked like novels. I don't think I found the right Tim Downs.) The bold print are Tim's thoughts...

You get into the most trouble in marriage in what is NOT said.
Wow! In most of my relationships I tread so carefully and keep things to myself. I don't say what I want to say. Often I find it good to be slow in speaking. Plus, it seems I get into more trouble when I finally do get the nerve up and say something. I even try to be good and kind. Doesn't matter. It is usually the deal breaker.

Man turns all emotions he doesn't understand into the one emotion he does know quite well -> ANGER!
Wow! Great insight! This makes it easier to understand man better. Being afraid of anger and knowing down deep about the need of outside help at times to tip the steam on the pressure cooker so that you don't explode all over others, I wonder how to make this work. I will tuck it back in my heart for later. I did have a conversation with x about anger and needing a mate to understand just will help tip the steam.... but never got to explore it with him. In fact the last thing I know about x was that he was dealing with anger....

God's Anger protests evil and protects Good.
Ooo, I like this picture! Simple and right on.

Divorce comes from the residue of the bitterness and resentment and anger.
I have residue buildup in my relationship with little bro because he forgot my birthday. It has already been a month. Sure, I know he is suppppppppppppppper busy but it sure makes me feel worthless. I have mulled it over and over wondering how to approach him on this. No matter how I try to it, I see him exploding all over. I hate high frequency pitches.

Depression can be the extreme form of anger.
I don't think it can be, I know it for sure. My melancholy came from not being able to use my voice and not being seen to have a brain. I had a joy epiphany and I had a relationship that I could really think aloud with another. But when that person got tired of my endless thoughts, I found a huge relief in writing in this little piece of space. I just don't look at the visitor count! I keep reminding myself that this is ultimately me sharing my God conversations and mental battles. God is paying attention whether or not any one else cares or not.

Ephs 4:15 = Loving confrontation - 'speaking truth in love'
Truth is the contents but love is the packaging. Become a packing expert.
I spent a lot of time trying to figure out this. I have a beef about little bro forgetting my birthday and wonder how to package this. I kept coming up with him ending up exploding. Not good. At this point I had to wait for the next day for the speaker to finish. Maybe I will have more tips to make a loving confrontation.

97% of conflict ends up as it started.
Hmmm, never noticed that. I will have to observe it. When you are in it, there is too much going on to catch it. I shall try to begin softly.

Men are more quick to run when they are angry.
Oh, just great!

list for before you begin:
1. check motivation - (is it love, understanding, repair?)
2. check attitude
3. check timing, pressure, place

Rules for during:
1. pray asking for wisdom - touch - pull up a third chair for God
2. focus on one thing/issue at a time
3. focus on the problem and behavior not the person or the character.
4. stick to specifics - never use never or always
5. men prefer words whereas women use the nonverbal for relationship clues
6. focus on understanding

End Game: apology and forgiveness
apology -> feel regret, take responsibility/own it, remedy
forgiveness ->humility, eagerness, grace
Picture the two as the apology as a box you put the issue in and forgiveness as the top you cover it with.

I did need to be reminded that men uses words and not what is going on around the words. Tim gave an excellent visual. He described it as a man coming home to his wife on the floor in the pool of blood asking what is wrong. She says 'I'm fine' in a sarcastic voice not believing the question! He wonders latter why she is so cold. He took her at her word.

Ahhh, I guess I am afraid of what I would say, how much I say, and if he could handle it all and still love and cherish me anyways. It seems there is such a disadvantage!

Funny how I owned up to my weakness of confrontation and help came my way. What you seek you shall find. Still a mystery but one I am willing to try. I am tired of losing out no matter what I do. It does seem I lose if I keep quiet or if I speak. So I will attack my how and make it better.

'Prayer: America's Strength & Shield ...

The LORD is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: 

therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; 

and with my song will I praise him. 

Psalms 28:7

To be able to use your faith in the political process, to put all your hope in God even when the earth trembles and shakes, to still keep the JOY when everyone seems to attack, to keep up the fight in protecting the foundation that America was built on, I will keep rejoicing...

Thank You, Heavenly God for GWB. He has been sorely attacked from all sides yet he still keeps going. There is no sadness or depression. He keeps Your Word close and it is evident. I have been the one to struggle as I see the enemies fiery darts hone in on the him. However, I find great comfort in the Psalms especially the ones that King David has pinned. When certain little kings make splashes on the world front and against Your people, Psalms 83 is great solace.

Thank You, Lord for America. Being established upon Your Word gives us a great assignment to keep the faith. We have failed and our standing in You is slipping not because the Rock can be moved - NEVER, but because we have failed to stay behind Your Strength and Shield.

Thank You for loving me and never leaving me alone. I struggle as I try to find my dreams. I am strengthen by Your Word and I rejoice. May I contribute my best for YOU.

May 1st - Day of Prayer

finally caught by the bug ...

I have tried and tried to keep the bug at bay but the throat is scratchy and a dry cough is being more persistent. Called Mom. She is down. She had it two weeks ago and took an antibody but with our niece getting the green crud, good ol grandma got it again! The little bro's fam is just recycling the bug over and over the past two months. ARgh! I can't really take cough syrup as it has sugar/ high fructose syrup in it. So I am waiting to take it when the cough gets to bad for me to sleep.

I have downed orange juice, grape juice, and prune juice. I have gargled with salt water and will gargle with peroxide and wash the ears out with H2O2 before retiring for the night. Two aspirins went down the hatch for the sore throat. Soooooo, we shall see what the morning brings...

humiliation in a king's presence ....

Do not exalt yourself in the king's presence,
and do not claim a place among great men;
it is better for him to say to you, "Come up here,"
than for him to humiliate you before a nobleman.
~Proverbs 25:6

Put this verse in the context of relationships. Have you found yourself in a 'friendship' where you cannot go to with ease and acceptance? Do you find yourself fearing the outcome of trying too hard to keep a relationship going? Do you find yourself avoiding the hurt you feel inflicted upon you by a friend? Do you find that you cannot rectify or seek forgiveness so that you can do better?

Relationships should not ever be in the king and mere commoner mode or it isn't a real connection. There is a placement in the presence of the king and it is NOT near the ear!

When seeking a friendship, pay close attention to your placement. Are you allowed into their inner sanctum? Even here be very aware. You may get close their dreams and passions but watch and see if there is something he won't share or if there are 'rooms' he won't let you enter. It is wise and test him on this. (1 Thess 5:21) Hold to what is good and good riddance to what is fishy! This is valuable knowledge to protect your own deep waters. (Prov 4:23)

May this be STRONG counsel in accepting marriage! Don't ever think it will change. You want another mere commoner who is your condiment and team player in your 'bed' than to be bedded in the finest kingly robes of fear of a king's whims. You being at a king's mercy is unstable because with fear comes loathing...

the fear elephant ...

From the "Gift of Fear" a statement has haunted me. 'What you don't bring to your conscious will turn into your fate.' This is talking about fear intuition. I had an example play out in my life.

I had someone in my life who would come and go. At the beginning it was ok but then it showed up as a habit. I had this fear that he would go away and never come back. We had a such a connection that I wanted to continue at full tilt. I wanted to be able to see him and connect and have him do so with me. This fear is greatly intensified because water and land keeps us apart but hey, we are in the gadget age where space is small. It can be done. I had no fear. I knew what I was willing to give.

But the fear that he would go away and never come back came true. No matter how much I tried to reconnect, no matter if I made apologies, no matter if I guessed what went wrong, no matter if I gave him the benefit of the doubt, good bye is forever. I saw him yesterday and I simply said hi. No response and a few minutes later he was gone.

I had the fear and I never pushed it because I was afraid that I would push him to leave early. So what do you gain if you bring that fear larking in the back forward? It is his choice to leave. I guess the only thing about confronting his leaving would be projecting it back on him so that I would be free. Maybe I might have gotten an understanding why he leaves so that I could close the door on him once and for all.

I get hung up on the spiritual connection we had. It was like being able to have a language in common in a world where your language is foreign. I have never had such a connection before and I am so weak to think that God is bigger and can give it back to me in an extreme that would blow me away.

So how do I do with these nagging fears into the conscious and not run from it? Can I be encouraging so to bypass the confrontation part and still bring the elephant into the room? I will have to fall back on 'Quiet Leadership' technique and ask the questions so that they do the thinking and hard labor. Isn't this their little issue? So why am I allowing their muck as a fear in my life?

satisfying toil ...

I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil--this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Ecclesiastes 3:10-14

I am huge about dreams and passions. I encourage others to share their dreams and passions because they just light up. I know without a doubt that our dreams and passions are what God has put into us to contribute to the world. It is a gift of God.

However, as I look inwards I have not been moving my own dreams and passions into fruition. I complain about the 'wheel' instead of doing. Well, now I am making steps to make juice of my dreams! I want to write. I am a thinker and I like to share that outwardly on the page. I never knew I was smart! Even now without much encouraging feedback, I doubt. So instead of allowing the enemy to take my passions, I will be God-Confident on His Words....

weaknesses ...

I am in my weakness when it comes to numbers or math. I do not remember number sequences and it is difficult to do calculation problems in my head. I must need paper and pen to make sense of abstract. Please don't ramble off a series of numbers like a price or a telephone number! Go slow and put a rhythm to it so I can write it down. I am totally visual and numbers just begin to blur. I must see it in the concrete! Yes, I know Accounts Payable is totally math and that is what is bringing home to the dough. No wonder I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like I am on a wheel I can't get off of.

I have poor group skills. I am at my best one on one like mentoring or in a team. A team is different than a group because a team is one for all - all for one whereas a group has a lot of interaction from all sides. It is more of a fight for your turf or go away. I am shy and that I can't go against it. Shy works with intrapersonal and team skills. With poor group skills I have a great weakness with speaking off the cuff. I don't have a speech impediment but sometimes a label like that fits. My brain goes faster than my tongue and then the brain starts going back around trying to keep all the points and try to listen. I am most certain that I cannot do all of that at one time and make sense!

I am at my weakest in confrontation situations. I seriously melt. Because of this melt down, I tend to beat around the bush or avoid 'issues' at all costs. I become afraid to be my purest self - me @ pure 8 yo. Sorry x. Guess I learned this too late to be totally honest with x. Even now trying to say what I should have said and pinned x to the wall, I doubt I could because I don't like walk-aways. I loathe abandonment. I loathe game play and 'having to be right' in a fight. I like understanding and working out. I would rather us both win by each of looking out for each other. Oh, to have someone to be stable and secure making me feel safe to be me and allowing me to stretch and grow together...

here are my weaknesses...

strengths ...

I am in my strength when I can bring out my thoughts onto paper. I get this excited feeling when I can exhale. I love being able to learn new things and then simplifying them. It is my way of mentoring. I love words so much that I have favorites and not so favorites. Even though I studied to become an English teacher, I am not hung up on being a perfectionist. I am not the best at speaking, but when I am asked a question I make it simple for them to understand. I am also tenacious enough to keep trying to find a way for them to understand. I would rather have them find success in learning something new for them than for them to have perfect grammar or spelling.

I love language and accents. I am always listening for the differences of the Brits and Aussies - even the South Africans make it hard to tell what land they come from. Accents and language is a history lesson of that person. Also listening to some one's story or how they learn intrigue me. It is exciting! Empathy is a strength for me even though it can be weighty. I strive for balance so that I can still be filled by it.

Creativity and color is something I could not live without. I find learning and expression in it. Even without acceptable resources I try to organize things. Even though I might find it hard press to say organization is my strength, it does feed my creativity. It makes me feel free. I have limited space and I like to surround myself with small things. So if being able to organize and de-clutter a limited space maybe one day I must might graduate to a bigger small space that would better suit my writing and craft fetish.

I love pictures, visuals, and word pictures. I learn best this way. Hard to forget when a picture is engraved in my brain. When I am writing I love to create my own word pictures. That way I can remember a moment that took my breathe away. With any story I can pick up on motifs and symbolism quickly and love to use it in things I write. I love to take it to real life and listen for motifs in some one's own story. Our lives are always about patterns and the full circle affect. It is about getting a person or getting a lesson learned and connecting to my own life.

I love maps because it is visual. I love reading them and going there. I describe my learning process as maps. It starts out with stick lines and each time I visit it fleshes out becoming more and more. It is connecting the dots. I use mapping in my life to start a project or to clarify what I am learning to better grasp the thing I want to keep. I like the bare bones of a concept or an issue. It makes it easy. I like to share maps with others. I will not tell you directions with just words. Give me a piece of paper and a pen. Again it is pictures! I just know you will get my directions if it is on paper than just my words floating around in your head. It is concrete! Maps excite me.

I feed on encouragement. Tell me that I am doing a good job and I will bend over backwards to do better. Encouragement stirs up the happy. It gives me the extra push. I like encouraging others. Encouraging someone means I have to listen for their dreams and their passions. This is important for me to identify because I loathe confrontation and have always had an issue with criticism. I know the need to take care of the discomforts of a relationship but I hate fighting. I would rather 'fight' for a working and winning solution for both parties not to tear down others or to be tore down myself. I am a team player and encouraging allows for the best of you and I.

Here are my strengths...

a lot is cast ...

... whether a birthday forgotten by a sibling, or a friend's abandonment with no explanation, or no one seeing a s.o.s, or a blatant walk over by someone who makes you feel like second-class. To let anger arise inside you will only miss place the power. Sure you may feel disappointed especially with loved ones, but God's Power always trumps any lot cast by a mere human. God's Strengh trumps any disregard, mistreatment, and disappointment. Letting God work that darken lot cast into your lap will bring you much good. He is the Bearer of Good Gifts and anything bad He makes it good. He does not waste our pain or tears. So no more allowing the enemy to be a thief. Protect your joy of the Lord. It is your strength.

Proverbs 16:33
The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.

Romans 8:35-39
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

nim's island ..

I rate this movie a 9.8. It is a movie that is caught between a children's and a chick flick.

It is a lovely story about a girl who loves an adventure character, Alex Rover and the author who created this adventure character, Alex Rover and how the girl and author meet. Very funny that Nim the young girl pictures Alex Rover like her dad but more rugged and the author Alexandria has made this rugged adventurer to play out a life that she is afraid to live. I will stop here because you must see and enjoy it for yourself.

You will feel very engaged with this movie because there are a lot of fun moments and moments that you are cheering on the young girl. There are animals in this movie that are part of the circle of characters and they steal the show at times! I was amazed at these animals! I would love to get behind the scenes to see how they did it!!!

It is about a father's love for his daughter. It is about an author who is seeking love and adventure even though she is soooo stuck. It is about a daughter's fierce love and protection of her father. It is a must see!!!

5.4 ...

It is earrrrrly morning. The sun isn't even up. My bed is moving side to side waking me up. My foggy brain is already thinking. It can't be the trains that I live near. The glass is clinking and it is going on for ions! I am just lying in bed enjoying I must say this power shift! Nothing broken or mussed up. The brain was smiling thinking 'wow, what power God has!'. Clicked on the time, registering the moment and rolled over to snatch a few more zzz's...

No, I do not live in California! No, I was miles and miles from the center, Salem Il. I was sound asleep in the northern most part of the state next to it. It will be the talk for sure around the kitchen tables and water coolers. Totally wild!! Oh, I gotta call my gf who lives muuuuuuch closer to the quake!!! See, what her and her fam felt! It is something to share...

5.4 quake rocks Illinios

game q&a ...

What do you think about when someone evokes their faith into the game?
The first thing I think of is 'how' you play the game and if you are going to bring your faith into the game, you have to ask yourself a very basic question: Are you using God or are you being used by God? You answer this question in your speech and action.

Can you win the game by evoking your faith?
Tricky question. I think most of the time the answer would be no only because you tend to see the shady players win or the people who are very open about their religion fall very badly in the game. However, I think a believer has a 50/50 chance of winning the game even if it seems like the context of the game is pitting two opposing masters ($$$ vs. God) against each other.

Proverbs 16:11&33
'Honest weights and scales are the Lord's; all the weights in the bag are His work.'
The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.'
So it does not matter who has the power or who is on the outs. It does not even matter who your alliances are or who your enemies are. The decision no matter for the good or bad works out just perfect. You may have problems seeing how it works out at this time and you just might think I am crazy! But we are talking about two different concepts yet one has dominion over the other whether it makes sense or not.

Can you play the game and keep your faith and morals?
This type of game is about relationships. Relationships are about communication. Communication is 7% verbal and 93% behavior. Life is about relationships. In life you keep your faith and morals everyday by walking with God and loving Him by obedience to His Love Letter. The game is no different because just like life the game is about relationships too. It all goes back to the question: Are you using God or are you allowing God to use you?

game {n}

no value ...

Me thinks a depressed state has come over me again. This time around it feels different. Anger isn't in the mixed just pure dejection. I feel more like a zombie. I still have my dreams but because there has been a no or even a wait, I have nothing to live for. There is no motivation to organize my home or even write. It does amaze me that I do put words down and maybe complete a glass for someone, but it is oh, well. I think it has to do with what is in the future. I know it is not helpful so I avoid thinking down the road.

It is a battle of knowing I am fearfully and wonderfully made, knowing God has a purpose for me and yet wondering what it could be. It is a battle of knowing I am not alone because God is Ever-Constant and is One who I can lean on only and always. It is knowing too that I feel very alone. I also get frustrated when others do come around and waste on me. It is a battle and words of those around me won't really help. It is a battle between me and God.

Hmm, I better be truthful. There is a anger over the no/wait. What purpose is there me to fight? If I could just give up and lean! {signing smile}

Ladybugs for Lucia ...

My niece is having a birthday in June. Her first. Little bro is thinking a theme of ladybugs would be nice. They asked if a local craft store had ladybug invitations. I said not but I could make some up if they couldn't find anything. Secretly I thought I would pick up some ideas or at the very least a foam ladybug to ink with to help spur ideas. However what I found was more than I could have imagined.

I spied a print with flowers and 6 ladybugs crawling along the stems. Each red bug sported a white daisy flower with a black center. O so cute. I put it back and walked away recalling it in my mind so I could remember it especially if I wanted to paint them. I walked back, peered again, looked at the price, noticed the 60% off, and walked away. I checked out the stickers and grab a pack. Found a ladybug foam pack that would make nice prints if we needed to make our own. Went back to the print. I realized that I had to get because this print will look very cool dressed in a shabby chic weathered cream white frame in her cheery yellow room. I then went up to the $1 bins where you can get lucky at times. I certainly found more than I bargained for! I found a pack of ladybug note cards. I searched for another pack giving her parents to option to invite more than just 8. Found another pack! Hope they can keep it to 16! I topped it off with some note pads and a ribbon all covered in ladybugs - oh, not forgetting - two ladybug magnets!

I was so tickled in ladybugs! I came home and inked up a brown bag with ladybugs and stashed the goodies inside. I cannot wait to give them the loot!!! Guess it is good to be an aunt.

wild horses ...

Ahhh, spring ruffled up the horses that I get to see on my way to and from work. They were running instead of the grazing I see them do so often. And to watch a horse run is a magnificent thing to watch. I think I could watch them run all day. Or maybe it is the want inside to ride a running horse bare back - to feel the wind rush over me - to feel the strength carry me -

Ahh, to be lost on a wild horse...

made for this ...

dear sis,
" I struggle with what God could call us to. Financial struggle/hardship. "
your little bro

dear little bro,
Yes, you are made for hardship! All your good bits are getting refined, purified, strengthened! All those other bits are falling off because you don't need them. Proverbs 17:3 - 'The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold, but the Lord tests the hearts.' God is Master of the storm. Stop striving! Be in His Peace.

Do you realise that you will not have one hardship but multiple ones? And most likely that one hardship could be a hardship that come back over and over again. Proverbs 24:16 - 'For a righteous man may fall 7 times and rise again, but the wicked shall fall by calamity.' They are out. This blew me away at how much God gives us in resiliency.

Take a look at the Taylor girls in Mistaken Identities. One girl died and the other lived but their identities got switched. These two christian families are probably wondering why the mix up happened and still have no answer. I too was wondering what purpose God has in this. I can only say that we are clay pots with a treasure inside. These unexplainable moments are for the Message to get out. How we behave is our transportation mode of getting the Message out. I was beside myself with 'wowness' as one father explained that he "loved mercy" and quoted the verse explaining why he said no to the lawyer wanting him to sue the driver. The other father answered O's question to how he could endure this by saying that they had a relationship with Jesus Christ. I was shouting!!!!! Remember that in your clay pot is a Treasure inside - an unshakable HOPE that this world does not understand but harbors a need for. Hold to the Rock that is higher than you.

So all I can say to hardships is that we are in Holy Mud. It is a sacred time. The enemy is a thief. He steals your joy. He wants you grumpy to take your love away from your dear wife and child. He wants your emotions so wasted that you lash out at your pets. You have no good thing without God. So do not let the enemy steal away your delight over all that is precious in your life. Keep the Strong Man at your door. I won't put the words here. So here is your assignment. Go read Matthew 12:29-30 and connect the dots of your life to this verse.

Remember Thomas the doubter? Jesus never reamed him out for not having enough faith. Jesus showed us Thomas as a reminder that questions will come into our lives. Jesus welcomes the q's but always seek Him and He will answer them in the most wildest ways ever.

This might be the toughest to swallow but a believer's by-product must be joy!!!! I have learned this through my own hardships. You know the one - the one that keeps coming around in circles and hitting me over the head. Yup, loneliness or what I call it - aloneness.

Afraid so, little bro. You are made for this...
Not only are you made for hardship, you are made to delight and savor...
~always your sis

etiquette ...

Could and would in question form should be banned from your emails! No matter if you put a please in there is sounds sooooo harsh! Please would you ... is exactly how it sounds. Start using may I ...

Don't worry. I am always hedging every time I send out an email asking for something. Sometimes I can't find a good way of asking. help!!!

wake me up, birdies!

Ahhhhhh, Spring is here and today being in the low 60*s, I made my first Saturday walk! My final Saturday walk last year was in October! I have a few rules. It must be at least hitting 60*s so I can wear my walking shorts and a tee. I have a multi purpose for these walks and one is to get my vitamin d! (aka: sun on the skin) Yeah, it was a bit chilly but the walking soon warms you up.

We have yet to get that thunderstorm with nitrogen that wakes up the grass and flowers so everything is quite matted and brown. I caught a few people out turning up dry earth over for a more dark brown wet dirt. Others were raking old leaves and twigs to the curb. I did happen to catch a retired couple sunbathing on their back porch. Yes, the man had is cap on with no shirt! Ok, I know some are quite anxious for the warm rays but wow. I know I can't talk. They made me smile. WTG!

The birds were singing. There was no way they were going to hush up. I saw 2 ugly big blackbirds catching their worms. Sorry, our blackbirds aren't as cool as the UK's that do those cool skywaves that I only get to experience vicariously through the TV. I was heading home and I swear I got a whiff of barbecue! No joke! My companion as I rounded a curve was a dry brown oak leaf. I could hear it coming up behind me and then broke ahead flipping head over stem.

What a beautiful walk!

game {n}

Games = a form of play or sport, esp. a competitive one played according to rules and decided by skill, strength, or luck.

I love games. I feel it is a good way for a parent to teach their young a bit about life, relationships, and sportsmanship. It is a way to teach strategy. The strategy part is where one could get into trouble but I am suggesting God-Strategy over strategy for selfish means. Strategy is about the mind and how one can turn things around and see from other angles and proceed forward. The simple games like card or board games or even puzzles help you flex the mind and make it more nimble. {smirks} But this entry isn't about the simple games but rather about the reality games where it is about the complex issues of morals and relationships and your take on 'life' like what is of value to you ...

Let me just put this out there. I have some reality games that I pay attention to but not for sheer entertainment. I having my own battle - I grapple with the issues using God's Word and seeking Him. It is amazing how a situation can prove useful in seeing more clearly a Biblical truth. (proverbs 11:16 - a gracious woman retains honor, but a ruthless man retain riches.) What pulls me in is when a player claims to be a christian. I want them to be that light in clay pots or salt improving flavor and preservation. Most of the time they are slaughtered by others or the media or they ring false. So can you play in a reality game as a born again believer? Or is there that battle of not being able to serve to masters? Which will it be? God or money? But what about Daniel and his companions. They where taken into a land and culture not their own. Daniel and his buddies chose not to eat the food given to the idols. Daniel told those over him to test and see who where stronger by the food they ate. Daniel and his friends where! So can a believer play the reality game and win the money?

I started to make a list to answer my 'what if' questions because I believe strongly that a believer's behavior is the only way to show truthfully Who has changed their heart. Here's my list:

1. Honor God
*With your body, mind, heart and soul, honor God. Be loyal/fear to Him only. Eyes on Him - everything else fades.
*Obedience bring blessing. Disobedience brings punishment.
*"He leads me in paths of right ways for His NAMESAKE. A good name is valued more than riches."

2. Set your mind on things above
*"Whatever is true, noble, just, pure, lovely, good report, virtuous, praiseworthy - think on these things" (phil 4:8)
*What is Eternal?

3. Be choosy with relationships (proverbs 12:26)
*"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (proverbs 4:23)
*honest weights (proverbs 11:1) Use honest weights in how you treat people and pay attention to how others treat others. Are they using honest weights?

4. Let your gentleness be known to all men (phil 4:5)
*"to slander no one, to be peaceable, to be full of courtesy, to walk humbly" (titus 3:2)

5. Test all things. Hold to what is good (I thess 5:21)

To sum up my thoughts in reality games as well as life, there are two kinds of logic playing out - God's Wisdom and man's logic. Therefore, when the world sees a believer play out his life in a different way, it just is absurd. It cannot be explained. A believer's hope lies in the fact that all God-pricking happens in the heart where human eyes cannot see. You must play it God's way. "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. " John 15:4

So is the Believer jumping into the arena? If you were to jump in there would there be a blood sport or would God shut up the lion's mouth? Would you be willing to sacrifice yourself up for another?

I am confident the believer can play the reality game and win hearts for God but the odds are that the believer won't be the last one standing with pockets overflowing UNLESS God's hand deems it otherwise.

I have yet to see this...

renewing ...

'screeeeeeetch' {pulls out the old wooden soapbox}

Well, there is a book out there about 'awakening' and a 'new earth' that is all the rage and hype. Interesting ... Why would I need a book like that when I have God's Word? The Holy Bible is all about renewing the mind and being a new creation where the Creator makes all things new. The new earth will never happen here. A new heaven and a new earth will come after the first heaven and the first earth have passed away. It is a physical sense not a mental one. It is about His Kingdom and His children.

I do not care that the book might have the Scripture in it. False teachers and false prophets love to use God's Word to suit their purpose. Easier to hook you into their thinking. Remember the enemy would love nothing more than to snatch a believer from God's grip. I believe in Eternal Security but it is also up to the believer to make sure the soil is good soil and not stony, shallow, or spoiled.

Recently I have been convicted about self-help books. I do admit that I have an addiction to them. I finally said no more back in 2003. However, I was listening to a speaker show how self-help books are bad because we have taken our focus off God and His Ever-Present Help which means we become god or so we think. Beware! Just another way to be doped by the enemy.

I know the desire to be a better self. I love to learn and I hope that I am better. You've heard it said that you can't change others so stop. You can't change yourself without seeking God. He then allows you to change and it becomes permanent. The emptiness stops. The endless searching stops. He alone can still the raging waters and He alone can still the striving heart. Let Him.

---
Does the book parallel itself with the Bible? Do you feel that this book is a supplemental to the Bible? Do you feel that this author expounds upon the Bible better? Are you being lead to the slaughter?

learning and wheels ...

Took me forty-five minutes to get on blogger and now my time is up! Good grief!!! What is up with that? I really had an outline ready to go but to make a full tirade, I need time to flesh it out. Sooooo, I guess I will write something else like how busy my week is without me being able to do what I want to do!

I am on the wheel again but I don't think I ever got off. I make up lists to do with my weeknights but I find myself numbing out. Then my weekends come and again I find myself bearing checking off the things on my list and numbing out just to keep on the up and up.

My mind is always spinning. I thought I never could do two things at once but guess what? While working numbers my mind is off in the world of words and ideas. That mind is always working - twisting scenarios around like 3D visual and making mental as well as bird scratches in my notebook. I guess human behavior and even more importantly a believer's behavior intrigues me. I have a huge case of wonderment in behavior. It is what learning is all about - right?

With that note, do you ever get tired so tired that you could care less about learning? Can you numb out sooooooo long that learning is no longer an option? Can you really live without learning?

wonder ...

Ravi notes:

Are you seeing with your eyes or through your eyes?
In this day of visuals you better be seeing through your eyes instead of just with. You need to be using your thoughts do you are not duped.

In reality beauty is most pure and delightful. In imagination evil is most alluring!
Wow! Very true. No wonder Proverbs and the NT letters is always reminding us to stay pure. It is hugely noticeable in this day in age! Watch for it!

The older you get takes more and more to fill your heart of WONDER and God is the only One Who is big enough to fill it.
Super true. I lost my wonder and I finally have it back. Yet, as I know this truth, I look forward and know I must always cling to God. I do not want to ever lose this wonder...

Young Bucks ...

This is a book about making child millionaires. I happened to hear the author give three points to promote his book.

1. No allowance
2. Give the child the 'gift of want'
3. Find the child's passion

My initial thought was this is good. I am at a point in my life where I cannot make my passion a go as my profession. If I had this as a child with no fear, I would be doing quite well in loving my work because my passion would be center stage. Then I got to thinking how to do you mix being a creative and making a millionaire with that. A parent must really keep the balance between the two in order not to squash either. A creative's dream can be easily mucked out and just maybe a creative won't ever achieve millionaire status but being successful is the bar to achieve.

I did not have the allowance. I know that I did have the gift of want and would save and save until I got my 10 speed bike. I know I had passions but being from a family of stifled creatives, we did not know how to make our creative ideas profitable. It was something you did on the side.

I wonder how to impart this equation upon my little nieces and nephew.... if I would have a chance to share this with their parents...

setting my mind on things above ...

When it comes to being alone, I just might have stumbled onto my next steps in this journey. By setting my mind on things above instead of setting my mind on the things of earth allows me to think more of the Kingdom and the King instead of striving to have my own castle and king here on earth. {Col 3:2}

I am to be a minister of God in patience and the behavior to do so is by longsuffering and sincere love. There are no restrictions but my own affections. Where are my affections? Ah, here is where I've been suffering. My affections have been here on earth instead of having a sincere love for God. I so want to be content with my journey as God has so designed. {II Cor 6:3-12}

Finally, my noel, my precious gift, farewell. Become complete. Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in joy ; and the God of love and peace will be with you. {II Cor 13:11} As I send you good wishes, it too belongs to me.

I will continue to whisper these God-Truths every time weary, fear, and frustrations darken my door. This is calling my King to stand in the door. How can anyone enter at strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters. {Matthew 12:29-30} The enemy cannot stand against the Rock of Ages. I arrest my case.

Old Man Winter vs. Pixie Spring Girl

I was hoping for a nice sunny day for Friday and I got it! The weatherman had been off all week so there was a chance. Thursday evening ended with big juicy raindrops mixed with fat snowflakes then just fat snowflakes amounting to an inch covering the ground. Believe it or not there was thunder in this too.

I love the month of March mostly because I was born towards the end of it, so I have many memories of budding spring even though my parents tell me about the snow when I was born. Yet my adult years March is more the dance between Old Man Winter and a Pixie Spring Girl. One leads and then the other leads until finally Old Man Winter is totally exhausted and bows out, leaving Pixie Spring Girl have her time in the spotlight. My love for March has changed a bit and that is ok. I love this Winter Spring dance. It allows me to wear my winter clothes before I have to put them away. My hands aren't so cold - just cool to the touch! I can also lighten up on the layers. Always nice to let the skin breathe again. OOOO, can't wait for thongs (feet kind). Opps, getting ahead of myself!

Back to the Winter Spring dance - This time of year is the time of my favorite Winter Spring flower and second to my all time favorite Johnny Jump Up - the crocus!!!! Miss Crocus loves the touches of snow and sun. Totally crazy and I am totally smashed over it all!

can you give to much of yourself to someone?

expectant vs. expectations

My dearest daughter,
Am I not your Designer and Creator? Am I not your Protector and Provider? Didn't you come up with the table epiphany to handle yourself with your relationships? Don't you have a relationship with Me? What is your purpose in having expectations?

Shouldn't you sit up to My table and feel confident that I will provide only the best and finest for you? All you would have to do is show up and be willing to partake. Come to My table expectant that I will provide and care for your needs. Stop with all these little pesky expectations! These harm your journey and harm the character building I am doing within you. There is a difference. Expectant connects you to delight and joy. Expectations pull you under.

I am the Lord and I will not allow your soul to famish. I have assigned you your portion and your cup. The cup in My Word always refers to sorrow but remember I always make good from bad. I never waste your pain or sadness. The boundary lines I have placed around you fall in pleasant places. You have a delightful inheritance {aka: joy}. Use the joy! {Proverbs 10:3 & Psalms 16:5&6}

Number your days in God-Victories, God-Leanings, and God-Presence. Psalms 90 is about the Israelites stumbling around the wilderness. All they could do was mutter. Moses was asking for help in numbering the days the correct way. Don't doubt. Don't be wave tossed about. Your strength is in Me only if you let it. {James 1:6}

So how is your appetite?
~ always your Heavenly Father

what is worse?

Hmmm, an interesting question and one that really pumps up the faith...

What is worse than hardships?
What is worse than persecution?
What is worse than death?

answer: being lost !!!!

What a privilege to stand on the Rock and say 'LOST NO MORE'.

Where do you stand? to behold the Man of Sorrows

numbering my days ...

So teach us to number our days,
That we may gain a heart of wisdom.
~psalms 90:12

Today I will be 14,244.75 days old. I've been feeling pangs of a mid-life crisis coming on or rather just feeling very lethargic about my life. So as I am trying to flame up my life, I noticed Psalms 90 a psalm by Moses. It isn't really a fun passage rather it talks about the bad days. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it all for myself.

Dear Heavenly Father,
As I tackle each day whether it is a good one or a not so good one, I am learning to lean on You every moment. I want a heart of wisdom. To be sage like I think is a wonderful fulfillment of what is possible in me. I am in a haze and I am trying so hard to bring my passions center stage. I am entering days ahead that seem soooooo lonely but I have You. I number Your Presence on my life pages. Thank You for creating me and at times that seems hard to utter. Then I realized that I have let the enemy in. I need to keep You in the doorway. You are my Hiding Place. I am Your creation. I pray to be a vessel, a light, and salt ...
Huge Huggers to You, my Designer and Creator.
~always much love,
your daughter

to behold the Man of Sorrows ...

That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. ~Romans 10:9

What a wonderful day the first Easter morning was but what will complete the picture is when all the believers are resurrected from death to live forever more in the Kingdom. When we shall behold the Man of Sorrows and His wounds He bore for us, no words will express all of the emotions felt in that moment...

What a celebration!

never alone ... Easter's gift

never alone ... Easter's gift

All the radio guys have been talking about Jesus and His last week. I ate it up and my eyes watered at it all. Here are some thoughts that tugged at me.

*Jesus became our sins.
Have you wondered at Nazis and the killing of the Jews? Have you wondered at the rapist? or the child abuser? or wife beater? or murderers? What about the ones who got off and never paid for their sins? Has someone hurt you with their words or their hands? Have you done so to someone else? Jesus took every ugly sin and bore it. He drank the cup given by God the Father with His eyes WIDE OPEN. He became our disgusting sins. To see Jesus in this way is very disturbing! But He had to this for us so that we can live our eternal lives in a pure and holy kingdom.

*God the Father deserted His one and only beloved Son Jesus.
Jesus experienced for the first time God's exclusion. Jesus felt utter loneliness like no other so that we don't have to ever be lonely again! Wow!!! Hmmm, maybe I need to just hush up about my alone journey!!

*The Resurrection is God's AMEN to Jesus' Crucifixion.

not abandoned ... Easter's gift

all in the title ...

I always strongly felt that God made marriage as a gift unfolding for us. As a single girl in want of this gift and having God say no baffles my tiny heart. I could go on and on about my conviction ... but I will just give you some book titles that caught my eye and supports my little conviction. Now I have not read any of these books but just might when I am feeling strong again.

• Sacred Marriage: What if God made marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy.
  
• Sacred Influence: How God uses wives to shape the souls of their husbands.
  
• Sacred Parenting: How raising children shape our souls.
  
• Sacred Pathways: Discover your souls path to God. 
all written by Gary Thomas.

Often I see a title and I don't need to read the book. I start to answer them on my own. So I kinda hate to read the book - afraid that I just might be disappointed.

So are these titles stirring up anything for you?

isolation & selfishness

I have been seeking to be at peace with my alone journey and especially the future. I know that I won't always have my parents and that is a nightmare I don't even want to think about but it creeps in. I think I am trying to finally close the huge cranky door on a very intense and powerful relationship that went belly up. I have made slow and a very torturous progress. I just can't seem to shake this one. What will it take to get over x?

I always find it quite interesting that when I seek, I find little bits. God has that effect on His children when they seek. He keeps lining up finds in twos and threes. I abhor desertion. To my surprise God's Word has something to say about this and I just happened to read it on Tuesday. This is dot one:

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgement. Proverbs 18:1

Whoa! He is wrong to isolate himself and the conversation before was about me being my 'nude' self instead of 'fattening' myself up to avoid hurt. Interesting to was that he was floored that someone thought he was an angry bloke. Look there in that verse. Rages against all wise judgement sounds like anger to me. Yet as I see his wrong, I also see his pain and his dreams unrealized. I cannot fault him and that makes way for my claw like fingers on his memories. There is warning here for me. I cannot escape. I have watched others take leave of my life. I am down to the bare bones. I am fine at the moment and don't want to develop any 'ships'. However, I cannot avoid the verse. I cannot isolate myself. I must reach out. It is just so tiring to reach out only to get burned for touching a hot stove.

The other dot was came from reading another's blog. 'Sometimes we outgrow people'. It seems to be a universal human experience my mother did not warn me about. Probably because we don't think like that or perhaps because my mother could never hold down a friendship either so it never came up. Wait!! Kudos for my parents for keeping a marriage strong for over 30+ years!!! So our dna is all about sticking to it for life; it NOT about outgrowing others.

I have never thought that my broken 'ships' where because I out grew them! I did have one that I was feeling that we wereN'T going in the same direction. I did have thoughts of relief when she finally dumped me on my birthday. I did have a conversation with x about friendships and he mentioned the outgrowing - that friends have certain life spans. I didn't like the conversation then nor now. What is wrong with growing together? What is wrong with experiencing their lives even if it on the sidelines cheering them through their 'holy mud'? I am not sure I am ready to bury my toughing it out to go along this line of thought.

Watching a program displaying the silent mode of relationships is where I found the third dot. 'As children we are thought to express ourselves. (use your words!!) As adults we just check out.' Why is it that a guy go through a life and death experience only to claim up around his loved ones because they can't possibly know what he went through? How is she ever going to understand and hold him up in this battle? Remember Moses had two men helping hold his rod up for the Israelites to win in battle. Well, beats me. x checked out. Why only makes one stay in the past.

So I have these three dots. They seem connected. I feel that dot one was the most important and that dot two and three were merely underlines drawing the eye back to the power of isolation and what it will do to your very soul! You became a raging selfish black hole.

seasons of friendship

Apple Classifieds ...

::: W A N T E D :::
an apple guru who can mentor an advance novice! with her iMac and downloading issues. All I have owned is Apple and I need to maximize my knowledge. I have struggled and thought I was on my way last night only to have an error -4960. I have broken my Appleworks. ITunes won't work because I can't update to 10.4.11. I have searched the web and have come up short. I am off to reload OS X and cleaning off system 9. I am afraid, very afraid. I don't want to lose everything! I need help!

the enemy companion ...

I decided to take a time out before bed to read God's Love Letter. Feeling desperate and tears coming, I needed to climb into God's Strong Arms to feel safe and loved. In Psalms 55 there is a feeling recorded there. There was no telling me what to do or how to feel. It was perfect to know that God hears and understands what I feel.

King David is describing the enemy and how he is trouble, how he hides, how he depends on God. Then in the middle of it David is describing a different kind of enemy. This new one was once a verrrrrry close friend! He feels betrayed. He can't seem to grasp it. But an enemy is an enemy and King David puts his trust in the One and Only - God.

companion enemy:
12) If an enemy were insulting me,
I could endure it;
if a foe were raising himself against me,
I could hide from him.

13) But it is you, a man like myself,
my companion, my close friend,

14) with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship
as we walked with the throng at the house of God.

20) My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.

21) His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

the Ultimate Companion
17) Evening, morning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and He hears my voice.

18) He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.

22) Cast your cares on the LORD
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall.

My enemy companion is a believer. He has deserted me. His voice captured in emails and memories is smooth. I believed we had sweet fellowship together and with our God. Yet the battle rages within me. God knows how I feel and He pulls me close. He knows that I feel like my feelings have been jerked around. Why come in and leave? Trust and faith have been questioned. But God will ransom me unharmed!!! He does not waste my tears, my frustrations, my pain, nor my sadness. He works all things for good even the ugly, He creates good. I still care about x. I don't think ill of him when I am strong (quirkysmirk!). What of that?

God is good to me. My feelings, my sweat, and tears - He heard them all and recorded them. He gently wipes my tears and hugs me close. AMEN!

a March beauty ...

Winter is going and Spring is coming. It is the middle march of seasons. There are still crusty snow piles in parking lots all over town. The one behind my jeep is still there so I am backing out of my parking space on edge so that I don't back into other cars. The sun has been out the last three days. The snow not lucky enough to be in a pile is gone and instead is the yellow brown grass. It doesn't seem usual if my memory serves me correctly. In the past it seems that there is a bit of green mixed in and not such a harsh dead color. Wednesday after fueling up (too numb to shed tears - might as well just stuff 50 dollar bills into the tank!), I had my jeep washed. Woo hoo, amazing to see the brillant Patriot blue shine through again! But to top that, when I parked for the day at my place last night, my eyes stopped in their tracks. I was captured by the pale purple white crocuses blooming along side the apartment house!!!! I looked to see if the black truck was parked. Shucks! The man neighbor is home. I can't take a pix of the endearing flower; they sit in front of his closed blinds.

Ahhhhhhh, crocuses - a March beauty!

to rid a clinger ...

Guess I will try to recreate a lost blog entry...

If you are a male in need of getting rid of some girl that has taken a shine to you and you have been NICE to her and seemed to have shared great a great friendship, DO NOT JUST VANISH! Be mean and make her hate you. It is the kindest thing you could ever do for her. By making her hate you, you have allowed her to get rid of you quicker and on to her life. But noooooo you think you are being nice by just pooof goooone. What you are really doing is allowing you to stay in her life. All those good memories put up a real hard fight against your disappearance. The girl makes all kinds of excuses for you. It does not matter even if she has finally stopped obsessing over you, there are those moments that she still gives you credit over herself. You probably think that is just fine that you still look good in character when you should be classified as a monster and a bounty on your head for being a deserter.

If you are a girl in need of ridding yourself from a guy who has deserted you for no obvious reason, GET MAD. Stop being nice to him and be kind to yourself. He has told you that you are not good enough for him by not being man enough to face you. Translate that to the real equation: He is not good enough for you! He is not what you want. You want someone to say hello and STAY!!!!!!!!! He is a toxic clinger not you! So you are all alone. Horizons look bleak. Purge the old. Now is the time to be who you want to be. Make a list and start seeking this out before God.

prayer gift ...

All I had to offer was prayer. It was your birthday but I have no access to your life. From what I can tell is that you have shut down all means of approach. Latest word is to stop blocking the blessing. I have gone quiet ... outwardly. Privately the battle still seems to rage on. Will I ever give up and get on?

If prayer is as powerful as what God's Word says it is then why am I waffling? Prayer moves mountains. Prayer comforts a sad soul. Prayer brings joy. Prayer is a moving strength of confidence. Am I doubting that my prayer can move accross lands and seas to reach someone I once knew? Am I doubting that x would feel prayer wrapping around him? Am I doubting that x would go about his day unfazed by a feeling that someone is praying for him? Am I doubting that I can pray without selfish motive? Am I doubting that prayer can change me?

I do struggle with prayer. I pray to God every day. To others I am talking to myself. I have no other who listens and no other who can see what I cannot see. I find prayer a great help with my work. But often in my dreams and passions, I struggle with prayer. Why do I cry when I am praying? Why do I find grief? Is it because I am seeking my own will even though I try sooooo hard to seek God's? It is alright to have tears over people but for myself?

Will I get to know if x had a day that he could not explain other than someone prayed for him?

as for me ...

Making God the apple of my eye via Psalms 17:8 made me go read the whole chapter. What really struck me was Psalms 17:14-15. It is a difficult read when you are reading through the NKJV so I went over to the NIV. At the beginning of verse 14 seems to be a hiccup that even trying to compare the versions didn't seem to iron out. However, I could not shake the feeling I had.

The underlying feeling is that you are looking at God's children whose bellys are full with His hidden treasure and to the point that this treasure overflows unto the children's children. But in the NIV verse 15 you see one who is on the outside looking in at those who are blessed with family. This one feels single and without the abudance of family and fullness.

O LORD, ... You still the hunger of those you cherish;
And whose belly You fill with Your hidden treasure.
They are satisfied with children,
And leave the rest of their possession for their babes.
As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.
~Psalms 17:14-15 mostly NKJV with a tiny bit of NIV

I fell in love with verse 15 because that is where I am in my life. Stuck here forever it seems. I don't want to be happy with this because I want more. I want a teamship. I am afraid that if I settle in, I will be this way forever and there will be no companionship. The better part of me says to be content and take on verse 15 as my theme. It does not matter. Keep the faith! No doubts...

*swallows - lump still stuck in throat / heart & soul bent on singing verse 15* One way or the other the lump stays or will be pushed out...

tech bytes ...

Breathe......

I am just out of sorts and frustrated with dial up and trying to get the updated downloaded for my operating system. (Tiger, hear me roar!) It takes hours and just when it is almost finished, the connection drops and I am left with no download. I tried a different way thinking that I could download it bits at a time but noooooo, it will not be working out this way.

I have no iTunes and I managed to break my Appleworks to add to my mess. I am so tired of trying to keep connected so I can write and do some creative things online. I want so badly to make this work so I spend less time on the problems and get to being creative......

While I am having a splish splash in my pity pool, ticks me off to have made a blog entry last saturday as I pushed the publish button - poof Safari shut down. When I got back onto my little place, the entry did not save nor where there any drafts saved in my posts. What good is autosave if it doesn't work?

One last thing - I have made a notch on my virtual front steps in hopes to find a good, knowledgable, and very patient apple friend. No bytes there... bummer. Maybe I will have to break down and beg for some poor chap or chapette to help. Opps tooooooo neeeeedy. Crossing that off the list. I will mutter through and survive...

my heart is steadfast ...

To best way to describe the Psalms would be they are quite simply each a painting depicting a time in your life. I have gone on about Psalms 18. Now I am going to show you the art of Psalms 57.

It is your darkest night. Monsters and beasts are everywhere. In the midst of it you are sheltered by the Almighty Refuge. All you have to do is call and He is there. What I love about it is that in the that dark the author is humming a tune and it gets louder until he awakes the dawn with his passion and love of his Shelter! It is like an explosion of light!

When I was reading it I couldn't help but love verse 7 & 8:

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.

Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.

Being in a place where I need to harness my thoughts and not trudge through memories, I need this song to sing. And to think about awakening the dawn? I am so not a morning person. Of late the dull headaches, an erge to upchuck, and cotton lodged in my throat, mornings just don't suit me. I am fighting the sickness around me so mornings are even more of the need to shut the world out by pulling covers over my head and snuggling in for more zzz's. Tired is a 'night'. Memories are a 'night'. My heart needs to remain strong. My heart needs God, my Refuge. So I will sing and I will grow louder to shut down the night.

my heart is steadfast!!!!

quickly, sweetly, completely ...

I was listening to a speaker talk about what he learned from McDonald's playland in disciplining children. He had a phrase that spoke to the adult in me! Do you obey quickly, sweetly, and completely? Oh, that is one thing we never outgrow! All through our lives, we have choices. Do we do it God's way or our way? But, it does not stop there... it is how we obey - how we do it God's way!

I feel a moving in my heart to make God smile. This is a best way to do so...

So what do I do when He asks me to wait? arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! I am sooooo lame. I trudge through muddled thoughts, cry myself to sleep only to wake with a cry-hangover, and devise self-plans that go awry. Why can't I just stop striving and let Him? A better question is what would happen if I stopped striving, stopped trudging through the past, stopped crying myself to sleep, and stop with the question and answers over what I cannot get back or change? What would happen if I started enjoying my alone journey and put my hand in His?

Not only would He be smiling, but so would I!

obedience

the table test ...

I have to admit that I am quite a misfit and carry a tad bit of anger about boys and the games they play on us girls. I would really like to get over this because I think it is the next thing I am to learn about the relationships between the sexes. I don't think I will get much of an audience or much of a conversation calling it boy games. Plus, it isn't the kind of language to use if I really want to get this.

I moved my mind back to what I believe relationships are and then maybe I can make a better map as I move out. I believe relationships are best pictured as tables. A relationship is whatever you bring to the table. Yes, you maybe hiding things under the table or you just might be hiding out on fancy chocolate in your cupboard and there is no way you will be sharing at the table, but you can only work with what is brought to the table. So they bring junk food or toxic food, it does not mean you sit down to eat it. You choose to get up and not partake.

I will not use aloof or running away when it comes to guys and their advances. I will say that you must test them on everything they say. Make them toe the line and do not let them get away with anything. If they say they are going to do something like call or txt or email etc, let them do it. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE pursue it. If they fail, they fail and you move on. If they engage, you can and should engage back especially if you like them. Always go about it as a test. You deserve to be treated as a beauty that God has made because you are. That means they should respect you and not play with your heart.

Being a beauty, you should be treated with pure thought and pure motive. That means you should never allow him to talk to you in a sexual matter. Be strict. Any little crass talk or even wanting a photo can lead you right through the mud. This is trash and you do not eat trash. Be as pure as you can be.

In my past I was criticized for being too aloof. I did not know how to change. I think it most helpful and would have kept me more safe and strong in my faith if someone could have discribed how to handle boys with a table picture. You cannot hold guys at arms length. You do have to some interaction and yes, there will be missteps and heartbreak. It might even take years and a ton to tests to find the him, but hey, I deserve the best after all this is a life time commitment for me. One. Not two or three. Not settling here.

A parting picture: He is the cook and the picnic packer. You are the invited. See what he has brought. This dinner you can be as picky as you like. Be very observant. He is telling you about himself with what he is offering to you or hiding from you. Is he looking out for your happiness, your health, and your passions/dreams? This is a table test. Test everything and hold to what is good... I Thessalonians 5:21

joy vs sad

Of late I have had a mental discussion with myself over which has top importance in a believer's life, love or joy. I know love is the first commandment but I think it fails when I put it into my life. To me Joy is key to my love. How can I love with out the energy of Joy that seems to give me to keep going?

Today listening to Ravi he made a statement that encouraged my thoughts. He said that Joy is fundamental in a believer's life as sadness is fundatental to an unbeliever's life. How true!!!!

In my teens and twenties I was a mess. I had sadness even though I was saved around the age of 5. I was not in love with God and I was struggling to have Joy. Until God reached down into my life and set me back, I would have never known how Joy can change my life. It is the one thing that really drawns out my concern in saved loved ones who struggle with their sadness.

See, when the world looks at a believer they should know them as being and having an unexplainable happiness. Being a believer and knowing you should be a happy lot and you just don't feel it makes it real difficult to grow.

Joy is a lesson between you and God and it is about enjoying as well. You will have to figure it out but when you do, your life will no longer be the same.

The first step is stop striving and letting God free in your life. Second step is letting go and enjoying God and His Handiwork whether it is His creations or His work in your life.... Next steps are His to write out in your story...

bury the seed, bloom the flower ...

Bury the seed ...
When you leave me and I haven't a clue why, I will bury the seed and will still be a friend to you when you have chosen not to be one back.

When I have nothing else to go on and my heart breaks with lonliness, I will bury the seed and pray for you.

When I would rather think the worse of you because it makes goodbye easier, I will bury the seed and remember your dreams and your hurts and hold them close to my heart.

When I feel like crying or falling apart, I will bury the seed and smile.

When I have empty days, nights, and weekends, I will bury the seed and fill up those moments by being creative.

When the weight seems to much to bear, I will bury the seed and sing or hum a hymn.

When I need the white knight to come on his white horse, I will bury the seed and read Psalms 18.

When I bury each seed here and there as I journey this life, it hurts. It is such a struggle because each time I do so, it is like I am dying bit by bit. So I keep burying the seed and dive into a God-Promise holding on for dear life. I have got to believe that with each seed being dropped into the earth and covered by dirt, it will begin to rumble with life. I want to come back out and see flowers blooming and popping up everywhere. I am an impatient child and the wait is harder than burying the seed! Bury the seed.... Wait .... Wait .... Wait .... look .. maybe.... hey!!!! Blooooooooom the flowers....

vain attention = boy games

She couldn't wait to tell me about her weekend. She is engaged and living with a guy but was getting hit on by another guy all weekend. She enjoyed the attention yet knows this guy is crossing the line with excessive phone and text messages. She is feeling the relationship that she is in is a bit dull and she feels a tad ugly and the tummy pudge is because she is cushioning herself from the comments that bf is telling her. All the while she is telling me her escapade, I am having a dual conversation with myself over where to draw the line and what would I say to a guy with a flattery tongue when I should be figuring out what to ask her to see if she is thinking clearly...

I believe you must ask yourself what do you want. Do you want attention or do you what a quality man and a quality relationship? I know I have been there where you are craving attention and you choose that over the quality. Until you get sick and tired of wondering if a man is into you and start making that list of the wants, you are going to continue to pick attention over a long lasting and enjoyable relationship. I'm sorry but if you are wondering if he is into you, you are allowing him to play with your emotions like a cat cornering a mouse. Stop it! Be strong. Always go through the list.

A woman wants to be his beauty. This means she wants him to keep her pure and the relationship pure. He does not allow others to use her nor does he use her. He is always filling her with clean and pure love. He does not hurt her with comments that undermine her beauty. He knows just what to say to bring out her best. When he treats her as his beauty, there is no way she is going to look elsewhere for attention.

Why does it feeeeeels sooooo gooooood for a guy to pay attention to you? Why does the heart pound a little quicker? Why does the smile flash more? Why do the butterflies come? Why do we dress a bit more snappier and wear more make-up? I know I feel more alive and hey, even beautiful. But it is fleeting. Has it ever lasted? Something in our heads shuts off and we forget to remember what we really want. Totally boy games. Must stop losing my wits.

I have been picturing myself ... future self ... if some boy decides to pay attention to me that I will be a stronger more a whatever girl - a girl that does not get swayed by a look or by flattery - a girl who is calm and friendly yet makes the guy work for me. How else will you know he is made of endurance or is of quality? No digits given out. No allowances what-so-ever. And if I see any character flaw, test him more. He must show to be true down to his core. (Oh, how I wish I was as strong as I was at 8!)

..if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. II Tim 2:21

I like that - being a vessel. I am not trying to mean to boys. I am just sooooo tired of it all. There is something about being a clean sleek vessel that is useful that is so appealing to me...

A prudent girl foresees evil in vain attention and hides herself; the simple girl passes on and is punished.
`keeper's version of proverbs 27:12.

The girl at work keeps asking if she is wrong. She knows the answer. We shall see if she can get this out of her system.

enjoying others ...

I had planned a day with Mom where I had a few stores I wanted to hit and pack in a movie. On past two outings there where things I wanted to achieve and failed which I allowed to ruin the day. Not on this day! Sure I had planned things I was looking for and I told God about them but that my main goal was to enjoy my Mom. I told her my plans even about enjoying her. I did it! Mom said she enjoyed the day!!! wooo hooo.

I was able to finish out my work pant swap out. Now I have a week's worth of decent pants. I hope to have confidence Monday when I where the blue. I know I am a crazy one. I did not find the loom or knit wit or the knitting board book but I did find the stitch counter and stitch keeper which helped me make and understand the heart pattern I made! My heart is finally looking like a heart!

A very good day indeed. Enjoying my Mom primo and the other little things where sprinkles!

40 vs 40 ...

Two competing thoughts have bumped into each other in my thinking world. First thought came from a study that people in their 40's in every part of the world are more depressed than at any other age. Uh oh! Does that mean that in a couple of years I will be in a more depressed state than when I was in my teens and twenties? The second thought came from a book by a Korean believer. He was describing a culture where the young ones could not wait until they where 45 because that meant everyone would then treat you with respect and honor. Wow! But then again 45 just might be the turning upward point for the 40's.

As the new year began and I saw my life ahead and not wanting to do or be someone that didn't make it to their dreams, I decided that I should start 'planning my mid-life crisis' as a way to be funny and maybe curb my upcoming downward spiral. I guess if I really put in the time to try to reach my goals than maybe I won't have time to get defeated...

hurt me ...

How do words sting! I am an adult with 3o some years to take the edge off the pain of a raised voice and angered filled words and I still am crushed every time. I was in a numbing pain quiet pain so I was keeping to myself and trying to do my best when sleeping in and reading a book with a warming liquid soothing out my frays. To my wildest shock a man ripped into me. It doesn't matter who was wrong, what matters to me most is playing as a team.

I am sick of others feeling it is alright to attack me and I am suppose to do the right thing and take it. Pretty much I am shocked stiff with eyes in a rage and my voice gone. I cry and talk myself right then my mind goes right back and my heart bleeds. Where can I go? I have no team player. I have no arms to hold me and have no words that soothe my being. Am I that loathsome? Or is the world that petty?

Don't get me wrong. I do have Arms and I do have Heavenly Words. I do have one Awesome Teammate but aren't believers called to love? Where are they?

Dear Heavenly Father,
Junk was brought to the table and again I find myself floundering with the right way to defuse the problem. All I could do was walk away. I probably will have to deal with some of it again tomorrow. I need YOU. How do I fly above it? How do I live exceedingly abundantly beyond? It is not eternal but it sure stings now...

I am glad to come home and sigh. I am glad that food awaits my hungry tummy. I finished an easter egg on my loom and even though I feel numb about it, I hope when I show my mom her excitement will encourage me. Right now I just want to hide me and all my creative things.

It is bedtime and as I close my eyes and myself from all the hurts, I ask for Your Words to cuddle me into Your Presence. You are the Great Shephard and You pull me close. I have only You to answer to and look to. You never fail. Your eyes are always friendly, Your voice always deep and calming...

I love You because You first loved me and pursued me. You called beautiful and beloved. Ahhhhhh, ' whom shall I fear?' Thank You. I knew You only could provide me with comfort. May I curl up in Your Arms and go to sleep ....
~always your fearful little girl

My Girl,
I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you to fear man? (Isaiah 51:12) You are a child of the King. You are the girl - your Bridegroom cometh. Keep being beautiful. Keep your smile about you.
~always the King, always the Bridegroom

hurt me no more!

Love never fails ...

These three words to a longer passage of love appeared by themselves above a devotional. I could not really read the devotional because the words were speaking very loudly. Love never fails. Wow! On this broken down earth, love is very hard to come by. Even though I know love is work and I am not afraid to give it my all, I have not found another that thinks like this pursuing me. Fortunately these where not my first thoughts. Rather these words gave me comfort because what God has done for me.

God so loved me! that He gave His Son Jesus to die/pay for all my sins. Jesus gave His life so that I could have a joyful everlasting life. I could finally rest in His Resting place. It is uncommon for another to give his life for even a friend, but MY God did. So when I get stuck in the heartbreaks of love and live, my focus needs to be put back on the love that never fails*...

Read Psalms 18!!!! This is the best love story and it is a real happy ending. Be the character in this story and kneel in awe of the Awesome God coming to your rescue.

*1 Cor 13 (8)

giving love a good name ...

Here are some statements ....

'You can choose your sin. You canNOT choose your consequence.'

'Do not marry someone you think you can live with. Marry someone you canNOT live without.'

'It is not what you can get away with but rather how pure you can be.'

A lot to think about when you start out on your love life. It only gets harder as you pack on the years. I keep looking at what life has brought to me and I get this mother instinct going to where I want to warn or impact a young person into deep thinking... I feel very strongly that you should have practice discussions on life issues with your family. And if you have no one to practice with surely blog! - just write out scenarios and have an answer.

Here is one. The web is a new frontier. It is a great place to learn new things and learn about cultures and maybe meet some decent and great human beings. Unfortuantely, there are a lot of peeps out there looking for trouble and looking to prey. It is always prudent to strengthen your resolve.

So to beef up I have put down some words to bolster my faith. However, from experience I doubt saying this to a hunter will make them go away. By experience if you say your a christian, they retort back they are christian too and see nothing wrong with 'such in such' (fill in the blank). But from what you think about comes feelings, from feelings comes behavior, from behavior comes habits. So by practicing you are getting your own thoughts in order. From there you can decide if you need to flee to God or be bold for Him.

Here is my snap back to hunters whating what they cannot have from me...

No. No discussion to what I hold in high esteem and desire to keep pure. I serve God not flesh. I am free to love Him fiercely and acutely. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am free to keep my image sacred and protect it at all costs.

If I was doing this with others, I would have them give their response and even have them challenge me. Having one response isn't wise. You must have several responses. Arrows will come at you from all sides. Again the best way to deal with hunters is to flee. But having practice drills with others will only help you should you find yourself not as strong as you thought you were...

a lot of fine dusting ...

I forgot to count how many snow storms we have had in the past two months - definitely over a hand full! Each snow fall is different. Sometimes it is big and fluffy. Sometimes it is small and light or it could be heavy. Sometimes it is just flakes and no ground cover which usually happens in December teasing us but not letting us have a white Christmas.

On Sunday this snow was super fine and there was a good amount of it. It was like a mini blizzard without the show stopping and keeping in that a real big blizzard will do to you. Plus, it was suppppppper cold - in the negative F*. Snow still amazes me with its variety.

I have a jeep and I love how it handles. I do not have anti lock brakes (scary) and I can pop it into 4-wheel. Deciding when to use it and when not to is a bit frustrating. However when there is a good amount of snow, I love putting it into gear and hearing or rather feeling the low crunch the tires make as they eat up the snow. Even though it has taken me a good while to have confidence, I love how my liberty baby tackles the snow.

Like I said before, I do love winter and I love my jeep but I am getting tired of winter roads. Probably because I fail to give myself enough to time to make it to work and I have been going through town because of bad roads (too much traffic, school buses, and school crossings). I do not like slippery or black ice. Had a wreak on black ice. Do not want to do have a death ride again. We also had two warm ups with a ton of rain and snow melt off causing 2 major floods here in town. It limits available roads. Then more snow and you begin to wonder if the water receded or if the ice is hiding underneath. I think they receded. Know so on my favorite back road.

Crazy though under all this snow that within a month, spring will show up. Then again we've had snow in April!

enjoying God ...

Ok, here is a corker! Do you ENJOY God? If so, what do you ENJOY about Him?

Not to long ago I would have to be honest that I did not enjoy God but today I can truly say that I do enjoy Him. I talk to Him like having a conversation with another human. If I am having trouble understanding something about my job, I ask Him to show me what I am missing. He does! It amazes me. I say thank you straight away too. I wish I was more so with my painting and looming. In those places I tend to zone out a bit on my life or thoughts but then again I am often talking to God about other things. I really have no one who listens to me and it is great to chatter away. I chatter so much that I worry that I am not spending enough hush time with Him.

Another thing I enjoy about God is His amazing Beauty. I can walk out of my building or on my drive to work and see something special in God-Artwork. I especially enjoy the sunsets and the winter sunrises. Going to work on a chilllllllly morning only to have a huge orange fireball kiss me on the cheek is such a great way to start my cold days. Who doesn't like looking up into the night sky and watch the stars sparkle!

I do. I do enjoy God...

What is up will come down?

I can't get on blogger? What is going on? Is anyone else having issues?

I have been preoccupied with getting more instruction on my looms and haven't been mentally ready to write. Bummer, too. I need to write to be sane. A lonely existence needs outlets as well as a creative.

I have been running into glictches. My iTunes needs my iMac updated and when I go to upgrade it takes alllllll day and even into the night then it gets a networking error - timed out (-1001) Before that I had to delete old systems to make room. Guess what? My currant Appleworks is messed up because of me! And the fourth break down is blogger not allowing me on and it smells of Safari not working with Blogger.

On the looming side of things, I have made progress on finding a great instructor. She creates small projects that really make for great impact! She labors over the instructions more than the actual creation. What dedication! I am too new at looming and have no back ground in knitting or crocheting. I doubt I will ever to create anything that far out. I can make some creations and maybe when I am over my frantic need to grasp everything, I will be able to really have some creative vision instead of relying on patterns.

At work the auditors have come. Grrr. I know that they are there to make sure we measure up yet it feels like 'big brother' breathing his grimy breath down my exposed neck.

All the while God still whispers that He is still there and reminds me what is important for the Eternal. Swindoll has been taking about 'living life exceedingly, abundantly, beyond'. It came at the right moment. It that amazing of God? It is flying over and seeing all the crazy chaos below and not being touched by them nor hindered. This learning sticks to my bones. I care very much about how I do things and the tools that I use but I don't get bogged down. Not necessary. Not eternal either.

Another thought came this week and I think it was Swindoll again. ''The struggle in coming around is as important as doing what God asks'. I so often get frustrated with others when they are struggling and just don't do it as well as getting frustrated with my ownself. I do come around to excepting it. Hmmm, a struggle isn't it. The struggle is 'holy mud'. It fashions us into being a better reflection of God.

What won't kill us makes us stronger. eh?

c word ...

A woman in my extended family found out she has cancer before Christmas. What do you say or do when you are shy and she isn't in your immediate family circle?

I always think about 'what would I do' in this situation or that situation. What would I do if I had cancer or lost a body function like my legs? Would I be able to shine with God's Light? Would it be a trial or tribulation or are these the same things? Would it be something God wanted to work in me or would it come because I did not take care of myself?

I think any one would want to travel through a hardship well and with joy abounding from with in. I also think anyone would rather take God working in us than being dealt a woe from doing something wrong. I do get beside the point.

This woman dove right in getting treatments and started blogging. She is even preparing for when she loses her hair. She walks with God and I think she will come through this saying that she was glad God touched with her this. She seems right on so what do you say?

I found a verse today and God's Word is always better than my own words.

.... Christ Jesus our Lord. In Whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him. Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at any tribulations for you, which is your glory. For this reason I bow my knee to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. ~ Eph 3:11-14

I am picturing it... bowed knee to God's heavy hand with Joy. What seems to others as a dark black cloud weighting you down is really a bright cloud of glory resting over you. Your faith is bold and confident. Your face is radiant as you look into His Eyes with trust.... absolutely noting to lose. Why die every day? Got eternal life? Then you have every day to live exceedingly abundantly beyond....

muddled daydreams ...

Oh boy, I am obsessed with looming and finding patterns that work! On top of that I am trying to get my imac updated and getting a bunch of errors. I also am trying to put time into getting rid of stuff besides squirreling away time to come write! Don't forget to add in the photobooks that make great gifts as well as eat away time. I soooo desperately want to be creative but I must pigeon hole allotments of time for each creative bit I want to do as well as working an eight to five accounting job to feed my hungry tummy, clothe my bod, and provide sleep and shelter for my weary soul. What is a girl to do?

Besides that I am in such a mommy mode. Noooooo, I don't want kids but rather I am feeling such an urgency to impart hard fought wisdom to kids. What a mess this world is in and I hurt when I see such trouble. It isn't just the teenagers that seem in trouble but the twenty-somethings are really getting messed up. It is really scaring the daylights out of me. I pace and mutter. Yes, I know that might look a bit funny to an on-looker. I am not a mom but an aunt and I do wonder what influnence I can bring to my own nieces and nephew.... I have to answer my many questions with what I have learned in Quiet Leadership. Ask the questions...

Having my mind daydreaming on words, looms, and saving the world, I have to finish this crazy rant with a success, I completed a red and pink valentine hat for my niece. It has an interesting crazy knot on top but wanted to add some corkscrew fringe. Failing at this. I think the instructions are lousy! On an up note, I sewed an inside to my loom purse and stitched it in. Finally completed! Quite happy. Have some cool patterns! Some I am sure I can figure out and unfortunately some that I might not be able too...

loyality to me ...

A phone conversation. One sided. You are an intelligent and intuitive reader, you can come up with the other side of the conversation. However, this side of the conversation is the most important...

~ ` ~ ` ~
[x:]

[girl:] Hello! It has been a long long time! What have you been up to?

[x:]

[girl:] I am glad you are back but I have always been here. I have always prided myself in being loyal but I have failed in being loyal to myself. To be clear, I am glad you are back but I will be loyal to myself first. I have a set of rules for my watch. I am not saying you must jump hoops. They are just benchmarkers for me to know if I am getting the real deal or just taking in scraps. I am enough. I am valuable. I have finally figured out what real loyality and real friendships and real relationships are... I cannot go back if I have learned what I was to learn...