darkside of friendships ...

Today I am going there. Where? To the dark side of friendships. I love quotes. You know that big Barlett's quote book? I found the page that had friendships and photocopied them. I starred them my favorites and kept them in a notebook. I think I did that way back in college. Since then when I worked in a bookstore I was able to purchase my own weighted copy of Barlett's quote book! Last night I happened upon my photocopied quotes... What I was drawn to where the ones NOT starred - the ones that I absolutely felt are way off based and not worthy of notice... until now after decades of friendships come and gone have colored my views. Lets see a few!

'The first tempation, upon meeting an old friend after many years, is always to - look the other way.' UGO BETTI
Old friend after many years apart? Yikes. My young soul would not have had many years in between {sighs}. Well, I do believe tis true that you want to look away. More for me I would be beating down his chest for a reason why the space between us. Yet, I would want to look deeply into his soul and find the old him, find the fresh scars and old wounds, and delight in his dreams accomplished and new breaths he wants to take. It is rediscovery that is the best choice...

'Friendship [n] a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.'AMBROSE BIERCE
I don't like this one but I live in a world that most feel this true. I cannot believe how many people out there HIDE! They never ever truly share! I could never figure this out and don't want to. I still share way to much and still have people reject me. Friendship is for the bad weather! ARgh! I am so glad I have a FOREVER FRIEND!

'Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.' SAMUEL BUTLER
I understand the how insane it is to keep friends. The amount in my empty wallet equals the amount of friends. I don't seek friends. I let them come to me. I believe friendship is like money in the fact that it is hard to make and keep.

'It's no good trying to keep up old friendships. It's painful for both sides. The fact is, one grows out of people , and the only thing is to face it.W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
Whoa! I agree to this statement only in the fact of those 'friends' that you create in the workplace or whatever place you find yourself in, you just might move on and outgrow. But deep friendships are simply 'throw-aways'? Wow! Hate this one. Not my view but again I live a world full of this.

/// the kicker ///:
'We need new friends; some of us are cannibals who have eaten their old friends up; others must have ever-renewed audiences before whom to re-enact the ideal version of their lives.'LOGAN PEARALL SMITH
Remind me never to be friends with this logan guy. I know this is a view of people. Very sad indeed and because of this pain people feel is spewed outwardly on the rest of us.

So all of this uck is very dark and my young soul would not have withstood such a lurking place. I am stronger now. Will always hate the darkside of friendships but maybe my new outlook will bring more light and a better soft place to land. Knowing what you are up against, helps you see others with the veil pulled back. Counterdictory to say, but easier to love them...

clarifying ...

What a difference a day makes! I love coming here to put down my thoughts. It clarifies. I have used this space to empty out and become more at peace with who I am. I never thought I had a lot of words but I am realizing that I do! My problem is there are very few who listen so I just get tired. Being quiet around others is much easier. Here I let the words tumble out. I also get to listen to other bloggers where maybe a topic is interesting but mostly it is what the writer pens that makes the topic interesting. Sometimes I realize that maybe how I pen isn't up to standard. So I keep trying to write better. It is two fold - therapy for my heart and soul and practise for my writing. Sometimes I get jealous when I see the encouraging comments on every entry! I toil on. My time isn't yet.

I really need to hunker down, take a whiff of fresh paper and ink, and begin to get serious! Here I thought I was earnest! I know growing pains! These feelings are growing pains telling me to make some good habits on my writing passions.

messed up ...

Depression.

Wheeeee, I have been having some really funky emotions lately. I can't pinpoint the reason. My happy should be up with all the fish and fish oil I consume. My Joy should be up because I am more in love with God than ever before and ever thought possible. So what is up? Ragweed? The pre-M word?

Once again someone had to jump to the conclusion about the d-word.

Proverbs 12:25 says "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad."

I must admit I am starving for a good word. My main love tank has been on empty for a long time. People are really getting on my nerves because they cannot follow through on their word! Oh, how we can change the world with good word. I saw it with my own father. I saw the anxiety starting to mount and I gathered family to say some good words. It worked! Not everyone partook of this experiment, but for those of us that did, it was good to see!

Proverbs 20: 3 says "It is honorable for a man to stop striving since any fool can start a quarrel."

Hmmmm, I was striving to get an answer to a question about work today. I felt the angst and quarrel begin to turn my insides out. No, I was not seeking to fight. I am just having a hard time trying to understand how the system works. I know I was having difficulty trying to phrase the question right, but I most definitely wasn't getting the answer I needed or thought I needed. I dropped the conversation and walked away with tears in my heart. What is wrong with me? Oh, I was striving and way too hard. The striving causes the angst and sparks a quarrel! Wow! I wondered at this proverb... Striving doesn't seem like a bad word... but it is very dangereous!

No wonder I am having deflated thoughts! NOOOOO it is not depression but if I don't get some of my love tanks filled...

Time to water.

Proverbs 11: 25 says "The generous soul will be made rich, and he who waters will also be watered."

.: formulas :.
depression = anxiety
interference = striving

performance = potential - interference/striving

good word ÷'s anxiety = glad heart

change or not?

When is it good to change?
When I ask the question like this, I am also saying that there are going to be times when change is bad. I am all for learning and learning by all means is a force of change in your life because of the excitement you get over new stuff. But when someone begins to label you by asking you if you are part of the change or if you are part of the problem, there is something wrong... Are you allowed to question change? YES!

I have a huge pet peeve. IF SOMETHING CAN BE DONE BETTER AND MORE EFFICIENTLY, CHANGE! MAKE A NEW HABIT!!!!! and this is the only time change is good. Why must we bang our heads against the same wall before we realize that we could save precious brain cells?

No, I am not perfect. But I do try to always do better than before. If something is too hard, I am always trying to find an easier friendlier way. Life is hard enough so why would I want to make it harder!!! People bump into each other daily if not every moment. Be careful. Change is only good when you are doing in your own life and performance. Change is bad if you are trying to make it happen in someone else or if you bulldoze over another's feelings and life experience!

I do believe I got my soapbox out!!!

waste not ...

God does NOT waste my sorrow, nor my pain. Rather He redeems my tradegies with His Glory.

I have been thinking about 'waste not' a lot lately. I am finding it in the little rebutals I retort out loud in the quiet spaces of my home when I am trying to figure out who I want to be. I am trying to stand firm with what I say to what I feel deeply inside. I have high values and desires yet when it comes to my mouth, I am not as confident sounding. I blame my ever sweet shy side. I hate sounding closed down. See, I also like to known as a good listener. Oh, the excuses I am coming up with!!!!

I have desided that 'waste not' is a good way for me to really align my words with what I really want to do with my life. Here are a few marching orders:

* I will not waste my relationship with God on impure actions. I don't have time for curious about the things of the flesh or the things of human nature. I am bought with a price. (1 Cor 6:20 & 7:23)

* I will not waste my time over the future state of me like wondering if I will finally own my home (yikes .. stomach just bottomed out!) or if I will finally find some poor chap who can stand me enough to stick with me in marriage (puppy eyes). God only promised me today. So why waste my time? Daydreaming is fine but only if it is productive in the creative department! So it is what is on my plate today and that it enough! No more borrowing trouble of what might not be.

Joseph-Moment ...

I have been listening to Joseph's story again especially the part where his brothers who discarded him and now where before him asking for food during the famine. I began to wonder if I would have a Joseph-moment like this one. Would I get to meet a once precious gift again? See I know his face and his voice. He only knows my voice. It could happen.

I would embrace him. I would also drink him in so to speak. I understand the picking-up-where-you-left-off but I have embraced learning everyday and I have changed each day even though it seems a slooooooooow process to the outside world. It has been 3 years. I have changed a lot and it has much to do with being discarded. So if I should be entrusted with a moment like Joseph, I would really look and pick over his all his parts - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - to take in his old scars to see if he still was that 8yo I fell for, to take in new scares to learn of his battles, and to take in new growth to learn more about the new him. I am picturing the monkeys picking over the furs of others and eating the grubbies!

Ah, wishes and dreams....

I pitch my tent in the land of hope. God works in amazing ways... In this moment God is Fathering him and that I fills me up with peace....

second hand suffering ...

Last year I heard about second hand stress and connected with it. Just this week listening to the story of Job's wife and how she suffered from second hand suffering. These types of suffers suffer more than the one who is sick or in pain! I believe it.

Often the Bibles gives bare facts needed for the reader's journey. That is where mediatation helps you slow down and discover more. I never really like Job's wife until now. Job was an upstanding man and father in the community that is until Satan came into God's court spouting out that Job only loved God because He poured out blessing and favor upon Job. ''Oh, really?'' God said. ''Let Me show you how much Job loves Me. I will do as you say. I will take his blessings and gifts.'' God knew that Job would not renouce Him.

Ok, look at Job. There he is sitting in the town trash heap covered in ashes because his skin was itchy and on fire. All his cattle and his sons and daughters are dead. Job once a rich and wise man now is hardly a breath. His wife comes to him and says to curse God. Why would she say that? What I thought was lame I see as how she really cared about his suffering. She knew that if she couldn't take much more of his suffering, he must be reaching his breaking point. If he cursed God and said enough, Job would break the cycle of tribulation that rested upon him. Job being patient said, ''don't talk like the foolish women. Rember God's Faithfulness.'' There is nothing more said here about Job's wife. The story ends where he is blessed again with sons and daughters. Job's wife stuck around! Interesting!

So did she see Job's remark piercing her spirit ever fierce and gentle at the same time? Did they hug after this tiny discussion? Did they cry tears of pain laced with joy as they recounted the blessings given to them in their days together? I believe so...

Yet as I see Job's direct precision on his wife's pain for him, he stilled had to have God's ever direct precision within his own life. God's directive was much longer and stronger! God spoke out of a storm! Job's story is still a mystery... When you read what Job said you marvel that he was wrong to say these things... just more to meditate on...

and how much more humble I need to be... We know not what is going on in God's courts but we shall see all the annuals of heaven. I can't wait...

Back to second hand suffering... I believe good help meets struggle with this. What a story to really take in and live out...

hide yourself away ...

My mind is still on the fleeing ... from sin.

"Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. ''Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God.
II Cor 6:17 - II Cor 7:1

Proverbs 27
¹² The prudent see danger and take refuge,
but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

²⁰ Death and Destruction [a] are never satisfied,
and neither are the eyes of man.

²² Though you grind a fool in a mortar,
grinding him like grain with a pestle,
you will not remove his folly from him.

This is more for the strong. You never will believe that something so small can take you out. That soft spot, that yearning wish or need will take you out. HIDE!

no follow through ...

Emotions. Well, female emotions... I was going along having a pretty decent Saturday. Tidied the house - check. Took my weekly walk - check. Started to paint - bam. My emotions bottomed out. I had moments of tears. Come on! I am still taking my happy fish oil and been eating well. What could have triggered this? I living the single life don't have to deal with others bumping into me emotionally so it would seem that I was doing fairly well. Unfortunately these tears would drop me into a pit of aloneness. On Sunday good ol Mom was easy to confide in that my emotions had taken a turn for the worse. On Friday the me who was excited about the idea of finally doing the creme da la creme of craft shows could really happen this year just felt that the girl I had dropped seeds of hope would ultimately fail me like all the others. I was hoping she would do a table with me this year.

I want to do this craft show that is huge coming up the first weekend in December. I have already done two shows that went bust. I want a show that I can get rid of the glass that I live with every day in my small ever shrinking apartment. Mom can't because she has to work. I have dropped hints to my sister-in-laws and no bites. I can't do this show by myself, it is tooooo huge. I have prayed about it and really thought that on Friday, my belief and hope was coming true.

Now I just don't care. Funny thing too my mood lifted yesturday but it doesn't mean I am feeling alright about my passion. I do have a lot on my paint table right now. Now I got to dig deep for some gumption. Funny how I can say I am ok but when I go to write it out, I still get that twinge of grr slipping out everywhere...

Why is it that my biggest pet peeve is people who say stuff and never follow through? I know I am anal...

my love story to Him ...

I had a troubling 'bump' with a chatter so much so that I could not wait to come here and figure out my words. I guess what is sad that if you say you are a Christian and don't do certain things and their response is that they are Christian too. I believe that there are certain values that all believers should hold to. I shruggled from not sounding like I was judging to trying to keep it about what I want in my life to knowing what I should say to wondering if I should state no without giving reasons for him to counter. I needed time to think and 'talk back' with what God's Word had to say. Now is this time to spout out!

Often in church I find my mind racing with talking to God and seeking God's Word for answers. This morning I was not disappointed. I found myself 'talking back' the words of comfort I needed. I want my no to be no and my yes to be yes. That means I want to be confident in my walk without waffling. Grrr to wanting to be nice. I guess what I want to be able to do is walk away with being frustrated and angered. Very hard indeed but I must remember the enemy is a thief. To rob my house would mean the thief would have to steal my joy and leaving me frustrated and angered. Jesus said 'how can anyone enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters.' (matt 12:29-30) I need to send Jesus to the door.

Well, back to my 'bump'... If someone wants to talk, I try to listen and chatter back. I guess I should have just said no not available. I did state no many times but in many ways. Then I thought it was a traveler trying to figure out a curiousity so I tried to drop the hint that it was dangereous to have a curiosity like that. Then stating that I was a Christian brought on that he was a christian. Yikes. He wanted to know if I had this curiousity. I stated that I was too old and weathered meaning that I've been on this life path long enough to know what I want and need in my life. I won't be messing up. I asked his age. 33 going on 34. Well, I could understand that curiousity. I was still hungering for attention and value. Still do at my age now but now devoted to living my love story cleanly and purely.

That is the whole point of this ramble. If I love God, I must show my love to God ACTIVELY. My love for God will pale compared to His Love for me. He laid down His Life so that I could have everlasting life. What greater love has no man than this to lay down his life for another?

"Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"
"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31

I am a co-author in my love story with God. I want it to be very good and extremely special. I want God to feel and see my love. I want my love to be real. No coasting for me! I view strength in that verse as physical meaning body. I want my heart, soul, mind and body to be pure. I want to love God with all four parts of me. God is sees it all even here online. I like God-boundaries because that means He loves me so much that He wants me to enjoy this life path He has given me with out being in bondage to the thief.

If I strongly abhor telling others what to do, feel, or act... how do plant God-Seeds? {Thunk my own head} ASK QUESTIONS!
What is the greatest commandment? mark 12:28-31What should we think about? phil 4:8 What part of you should you guard fiercely? proverbs 4:23 How do you guard your life? luke 21:19 What should you stand firm too? back to Mark 12:28-31!

No, I doubt whether I would hear the answers I was hoping for but my asking him questions, sets him up to start seeking. And when you start seeking, God will open your eyes.

Whew, I feel better now... I know what questions to ask now... in the moment the questions don't come easily.... wished that it did...

Dearest Great Lover,
I want You to find pleasure in my love. I want to stand firm in my love for You. I don't want to deny You but it is the easiest thing to fall down when it comes to matters of acceptance and value. It is ok for others to deny me. I don't need them for You are all I need. I am reacting stronger now but I want it to be a constant. If I claim to have such tenacity then I must share it all with You.

I do ask for guidance and love for a soul that claims to be a christian. Help me ask the right questions. If he is truly Yours, You will deal with him. If he should not come back to pester me, I hope maybe with what I said in a feable way will still stir him to ask his own questions....

Thank You for Authoring me and designing my life path. I love You. Thank You for loving me first and always.
~ your little girl

.:note to self:.
~new words~ I am a born again believer of Jesus Christ who paid with His life to love me. What more can I do but love Him back will all of my body, mind, heart, and soul and to do so purely. I have high standards for myself. My no means no. end of conversation.

If I was a strong willed child (did not conform to peer pressure), I certainly need to retain my strong willed tactics in my adult years!

enduring love ...

Love endures. Love has faith. Love has hope. When single one says of course my love for him will last forever. Ok, I believe you because I feel that and want that too. Then I look at my love life with my God. Is my love for Him enduring? faithful? hopeful? Or do I go into fits of sadness and questioning?

When some of 'Job's trials' visit me, my love for God canNOT falter. It must endure. It must keep the faith. It must hope. I need to meet God's Love with all of my love. His out does mine by far. He knows that but I want Him to delight in my love that I give to Him. Love is work but work that I will delight in.

Storms and tragedies reveal who you are. I want God-love to be what you see. Satan was bending God's ear telling him that Job only loved God because He poured out favor upon him. What happened when God stripped Job of every earthly treasure and on top of that took his health? Job still loved God. Hmmm... when you look at it like this, can your love endure? When the Lord giveth good gifts and taketh good gifts, can your love remain faithful? When you are bare and clothed in ashes, can your love still soar in hope?

time to pump joy - increase your stregth...

2 f's ...

Two favorite words at the moment that stop me in my tracks when I read the Bible are: flee and favor. It is like a treasure map. It is fun to because I am not really seeking them out. I know it to be God meeting me at my seeking to better understand how to flee and to understand favor of men in relation to having God's favor...

You probably have noticed the tread already in my writings... {smiles}

stranger danger ...

I was listening to a radio speaker talk about the Good Shephard using Psalms 23 and John 10. This would be a butterfly effect {winks @ my precious gift} - where something from the OT matches to something in the NT like one wing of a butterfly mirrors the other. I jotted down the reference to John so I could read it later in the quiet of night time. I discovered that my Heavenly Father very much wants us to understand stranger danger. In fact has instilled in His sheep the instinct to FLEE.

a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers. ~ John 10:5

If you read this passage and start to ask questions from it you will see that the voice of strangers = thieves. And He isn't telling His sheep to flee but they don't know the voice of strangers that they flee meaning the flee instinct is already woven in the heart of His sheep.

Oh how often do I allow my heart to get numb to the voices much like little children are tempted by the candy man even after parents have instilled the fear of strangers. Just because I have become an adult doesn't mean I am immune and don't have to protect myself. It is difficult to flee unless you begin each day and each relationship with God-Alone. Thieves don't hang about when the Shephard is around. It is when you are in midst of a relationship when you realize that the person is really a stranger to you desire to live in God's Way that it is most difficult to flee.

John 10:5 is cleaning out my ears to better hear my Shephard's Voice.

relationships ...

Looking back over my path, I have noticed that it all focuses on one thing - relationships. For an outsider, my biggest flaw would be too much 'hanging on'. For an insider, it is saying 'I am always here' to the ones who say 'I'm back'. This year I can finally say I am at peace with others. I like to make lists. It clears up and puts to order what I have discovered. This is my Relationship list:

1) You CANNOT tell others what to do.
I've have always felt on edge when I had others tell me what to do especially my bosses. I used to feel bad but not any more. I am proactive with solutions. I do not wait for reviews nor do I set myself up by asking for a solution. I prevent others quietly and respectfully from telling me what to do. Now if I don't like it when others tell me what to do then I cannot tell others what to do even unconsciously by giving them advise. I know try to be on my toes and make them think and find their own solutions. I plant 'seeds' by asking questions. Never why questions.
2) You CANNOT save others nor fix them.
I stumbled into this one having a discussion about not telling others what to do. I had to stop because unconsciously I do this. It is ok for others to make mistakes. Their solutions or their path is not going to look like mine. My path is uniquely God-Designed for me. I like different.
3) You can only work with what others bring to the table.
What did they bring to the table? Don't worry about what they didn't bring or what they have hidden under the table. Maybe they didn't bring much. You don't know why. Don't get stuck there. This is where you get to be creative!!! My pet words are 'pack the sunshine.' I am bringing the party. I am determined to have a good time for all. The enemy is a thief and I am keeping the joy.
4) Be choosy with those you keep around you but be friendly to all.
Whoa! If you wanted to be my friend, I was going to try to keep you. Not a good idea. I can be choosy with who gets close to my heart and soul. I am learning to 'flee' from the voices that I do not know. John 10 talks about 'stranger danger' and it isn't for just little kids. If it is not the Shephards voice, you do not follow! I can also say no. Saying no doesn't mean I lost my nice girl. Saying no means I am protecting my wellspring of life. Being alone for my entire life made me accept behavior from others that I didn't need to. I just wanted a tiny bit of attention. Not any more. If I have been alone for this long, I can go more miles alone. I am keeping my hand in God-Alone.
5) Trust is earned. Respect is given.
When I searched my blog for a piece I did on respect, I was shocked at how many times I have talked about respect! It is one of my many soapboxes! [r-e-s-p-e-c-t]

Well, this is what I am living by these days. I am must more at peace with my world. No more wasting time with worrying about what wasn't brought to the table. More time to see into the eyes. More time investing...

food, sails, craft ideas...

1. I found a nice eggplant at a farmer's market. I enjoy eggplant and I hope to make a good dish or two from it. I also got pear butter made without sugar. It is better than my own pear jam that I made last year from our bounty of pears. (no pears at all this year!) I will be making corn cakes soon and smearing my new pear butter on it!

2. I enjoyed watching some sail boats on Lake Winona back in my college town. I enjoyed the sights of the place. Very cottage-esk making me wish to have a summer home here.

3. I nosed around crafts today getting ideas for my own painting and ideas or wishes for my home. Oh, to have my shop of glass!!!!!

*Final destination was to sit with my baby niece. First few hours were good but she is stuffy and having her first bit with a cold. She got cranky and cried a lot the last hours with her. When Momma held her, she went to sleep. Grrr.... I wonder how we will bond as she grows.... It is all about what attracts us and what we are willing to bring to the table...

I got one pix of Tink the dog. He was having his nap and was looking very cute but I got no pix of my baby niece. {sniffles}. I was hoping to get a few and a possilbe video clip... another time....

choosy and proud...

Low and behold God has restrains on making friends. Be friendly yes but be choosy with friends!!!

The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26

I have been so focused on being a good friend and trying to be stedfast as I wonder why friends walk away from me that I guess I never really thought about choosing friends carefully. I never was the one to make the friendship. I always let the other make the first move. Hmmm, I am finding it is quite alright to say no to those who pose a friendship yet harbor unpure motives or selfish gains. It does not mean that I am unfriendly or mean. It just means I am being a good friend to myself. Who else will be there when all others have faded? ME!

& God-Alone...

treasured loot ...

The black squirrel was all over that oak tree's branches. I kept hearing pings and clunks as this furry creature scampered to the very ends of the twigs and popping acorns off their perches. Watch out below! Explain an flying acorn injury to your doc! He was fast too and very verrrry daring. Many times I was catching my breath as I expected him to go tooooo far and belly smack on the pavement or nosedive into the pool below the tree. He used the white picket fence to make a flying leap into another tree. His mouth always was carrying his loot. Its fall. Not my best time as hayfever kicks in and mozzys are thick and carry a death disease. Much better to say inside but by a big window to watch the earth a busy in harvest.

Tuesday 911

It is Tuesday the same day of the week six years ago.  The morning skies are moody today not yet the cornflower blue like then.  Upon the coming of this day I wondered if the day would feel the same as it did then.  Memories of who I was and where I was in my life adventure have been washing over me.  I am different.  Better.  Improved.  My professional world changed from a deflating atmosphere to one where I can be new.  Some of my friends that I thought dear are lost.  I long for one of them yet thinking back to that time, he was off and unavailable.  The biggest feeling was to connect with all my loved ones.  It is a feeling that nags at you when you have witnessed raw pain.

Daddy is NYC today for a security convention. I didn't want him there but if worry says God isn't big enough, I won't go there because my God is BIG ENOUGH. I read a few words of comfort today. God doesn't waste our sorrow. He redeems our tragedies with His Glory. I like that. I KNOW that.

You have been a Refuge for the poor,
a Refuge for the needy in his distress,
a Shelter from the storm
a Shade from the heat.
Isaiah 25: 4

Be Thou my Vision

Sept 11: '06 more secure?

3:10 to Yuma

This movie is alllll MALE and a modern western. Rated R for the out right shooting. Why would you see me there in a movie seat to see this one? Before the movie was because of the two main characters who are good with their craft. After the movie was because I could experience what men are afraid to let women in on - their constant striving to protect their own. Oh btw, I would rate this movie a 9.

This movie is all about watching the eyes. It is very raw. You have two sides. Evil and cunning vs fairly good and desperate. These two sides are attracted to each other in a very odd friendship of sorts. I kept cheering for the father to stand his ground and not break. The outlaw's words were soooo enticing. You felt yourself fall into that uneasy friendship. You felt for the outlaw as well as the desperate father. It would be so easy to give in and take the money - money that would keep his ranch and his family for many years to come. I kept wondering through out if good was going to come through. Was the father going to do the right thing? I won't tell you what happens. You can go and see for yourself.

For the woman wathing the movie you got to experience the life of every man. Every true man wants to live in honor. Every true man that is married and has family to keep, honor is making sure the family is protected. It is an every moment struggle. The wolf at the door never sleeps and man must not either. NOTE TO WOMEN: Never let shame of or doubt in or dishonor your man ever reach your eyes. You kill his spirit and he is of no use when broken. Honor him. Never question his actions. Know he is thinking of you and works for you. You are his precious princess worth a great deal. He is the gallant warrior ever protecting. Be a help meet. Meet him at his dreams and goal. Sweat along with him. Never stand aloof and lording over.

I enjoy movies that let you become a part of it. This movie draws you into its story. In the end as the credits are rolling you are left with some of the story left for your own imagination. What happens for the future of the Evans family? What happens to the outlaw man? Does he pay his dues and lives clean? When he is done paying his crime will he come back and search the Evans? Most important to you the movie goer - What is your story? What role are you playing? Is money your god? If you are a believer and do good will God carry you through the rough times? Or is it all a joke?

What will you do when you are at 3:10 to Yuma?

3 clay pots ...

I waited a week!!!!!! I transplanted my three citrus trees into their clay pots. The instructions said that clay pots are best so that the water can evaporate and to allow the roots to dry out and breathe. Over the past week it looks like the littlest, Myrtle, has grown an inch. As I write that it seems like a lot but I honest feel that she has! Good sign! The Meyer tends to need more water. He wilts quicker than the other two. I want to watch the watering; too much causes root rot. So it is still me getting to know their habits. Matie is Matie. Solid and constant.

I have kept them in the south window right up against the window. I am worried about the winter months. I can't have them that close to the windows because I live in a place that gets coooooold winters and the winds beat on that window. I will have to move them to the kitchen table... only thing not enough sun there. I have a couple of months yet to figure out warmth and sun issues...

Matie, Myrtle, & Meyer's day one

soldier and Christian?

I was talking or rather listening to a father talk about his son going off to train to be a 'Green Beret' and about a couple other boys that are either in the war or coming home. He is a bit long winded but I do enjoy listening to him. Today he affirmed without knowing it what I feel a Christian solder has over one who isn't a believer.

Can a Christian soldier come home from horrific battle unscared mentally? Can a Christian soldier come home to his family and return to being a great dad and a loving husband without this 'retreat' side affects? Can a Christian be a soldier and conduct himself peaceably as the NT commands? When a Christian young man has this strong desire to serve in the military, is it God's purpose for him? Is a Christian soldier better than a soldier who isn't a believer?

I know the New Testament has we are to be peaceable and being a soldier that would seemingly go against peace. Because I my favorite Bible character is King David, I really do believe that a Christian young man can serve God on the front lines of any war. I strongly believe that a Christian who feels he is 'called' to be a soldier really needs to go into 'Spiritual Boot Camp'. A Christian already has come to terms with his on mortality. Jesus took the sting out of death. No fear. So with that taken care of there are a couple other things a Christian should tackle.

First things first, a Christian soldier must always seek God in every move he makes especially in the heat of battle and always find time to get quiet with God. After seeking God the next thing he must do is hide God's Word in his heart like passages about battle. God had battle plans required of the Israelites and it always included getting your life cleaned up or making sure there was purity within the ranks. When they lost it was because someone did wrong and hid it. Other passages and I think most important of especially for war and for men in general is the issue of anger. Anger happens. A buddy gets maimed or killed. What happens? Sorry, but too often anger sets in and then there the boys go off on a killing rampaged. A Christian is NOT slave to anger. Yes, that means a Christian is free from anger. Again you have to seek God in this area. He will meet you and show you how to have freedom from anger. Lastly, a Christian soldier should 'talk back' to any attacking disbelief. I am not saying you have to 'talk back' aloud. I don't rather I am in my prayers or mentally. It is a must or you find your faith wavering.

So the Christian soldier goes off to war and sees some horrific battles and/or is wounded, do I believe he can come home spiritually whole and without nightmares and without retreating into a shell of a man? YES I DO. God said He has gone ahead and will go with you. He says not to be afraid (deut 31:8). I know there are going to be mistakes in battle, but God is a loving God and He is a Forgiver. Man is lousy in the forgiveness dept. Not God. Again this is not an over night transformation. No! This is a daily walk. Each moment is to be shared with God. In battle and out. And who said a Christian is off duty?

It was nice to hear this father be on the same wave length as me. A great God-Affirmation. I thought it but never ventured to say it aloud. I didn't even have to... this father just started talking about this and I was jumping on the inside!!!!

Some passages that I find comfort in when it comes to war:
Psalms 83 & Psalms 37: 12&13 - this one is for the president of Iran.
Psalms 91
Ephesians 6:10-18 <-- hmm, good for spiritual boot camp!

The Armor of God
¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

over shoot...

The scientists said women were aware of the importance of their own attractiveness to men, and adjusted their expectations to select the more desirable guys.

"Women made offers to men who had overall qualities that were on a par with the women's self-rated attractiveness. They didn't greatly overshoot their attractiveness," Todd said, "because part of the goal for women is to choose men who would stay with them."
fr: cnn

Oh really? I have had it up to here {hand way above my head} !!! How can we do it? Obsessing over if we are attractive enough to snag a really good catch and obsessing over what our beauty will get us? Can't you understand by doing so we are destroying the naturalness of our beauty. I have struggled and at times still do over if I have what it takes in the pretty dept. I look at what I find attractive and I feel who I pick secretly of course out weighs what I really can get. Why care anymore? I am quite past it... until I get in that oodle stage...

Happy September ...

It happens to me every year. I have noticed to my surprise the first turn of leaves!!!! I was saying it is still August! After seeing one tree begin its turn to orange and yellow, I've notice many other trees young and old have a sunkissed touch on a branch or two. Summer is leaving and so are the shorts and tanks. I will miss my Saturday walks for sure where I could sweat out my thoughts as well as tan a bit. I have truly enjoyed my summer. I will hate to see it go but I love having the four seasons. Fall is coming and so is my hayfever allergy .. bummer.. but so are the deep bright blue skies with white puffy clouds and golden fields. Pretty sight, nasty airborne allergins.... tsk tsk.

Meyer, Myrtle, Matie ...

Yes, I went ahead a ordered a small citrus grove!!! They arrived today as I was coming home from work!!! My Australian Lime Finger, Meyer Lemon, and Myrtle Leaf Orange tree-bushes are sitting all in a row in a west window for some good ol' sunbathing. I went out and got some 4in clay pots like they recommended for good drying out and root growth. I must wait a week before I transplant them so they are getting use to their surroundings. I haven't found the dirt yet that is recommended but I have a few days. I am like a new mom fussing over her new babies. It is just because I have no green thumb. Shhhh, please keep it between you and me. I don't want Meyer, Myrtle, or Matie getting wind of this. I want them to be happy, healthy, and fruitful! Gotta do everything by the book and yet remain cool. I don't want to them to see me sweat!!! Who knows maybe in a year or two I can report that I have lemons, oranges, and limes!!!!!

Another adventure for me and God. You know how Jesus is the Vine and we are the branches.... well, we have to be grafted to the vine. Citrus are a lot like that. To get a good citrus tree it is best to graft instead of using seed..... Interesting!!!

barren tears ...

Dearest Heavenly Father,
I know you have my best interest at heart but it is so hard to keep back my tears when I hear the speaker speak so highly of dating life and how to keep it pure. He speaks so well of how a girl is made to be the encourager and how the boy is to protect. I know in the deepest part of my heart that I am a great helpmate and encourager. I just have no one who thinks me special and beautiful enough (I know not the best words to use) to have in his life. I didn't mean to tear up but I did. It is down right painful to hear. I am reaching the twilight of my 30's and some speaker bring me to tears over his dating 101 for young adults. Argh!

Ok, I will admit there where a few tidbits that I ate up. Being barren for so long it is easy to forget how to conduct oneself. Like I never knew how to let a guy down if he should take a rare move and risk it all to ask me out and I just knew I needed to say no. The speaker said to just say NO THANK YOU. Nothing more. A guy is going to move around any excuse. GIVE NO EXCUSES!!! I have experience that one. The speaker said that the guy will even try to get around those three words and the girl is to keep saying those words. Another thing was that if a girl says yes to a date, she is saying that she approves of his character!!!!! Whoa! That is a keeper.

Even through my tears, I have some nuggets to keep. It is hard to not want but I keep up using Your Words to keep me warm on cold barren treks. You are my Shephard I shalllllllll NOT want!!!
always your little girl

worry {v}

= 'I don't believe God is BIG enough to handle my problems!'

crushed glass beaches!

So they are finally making sand out of glass! What a great way to recycle! Why didn't I think of that???

Some are critical about it saying that there are probably an unknown environmental hazard like the tire dump off the state of Florida. Come on! Glass is one product I have a lot of trust in and is one step away from nature. In fact God probably made the first glass by lighting striking sand!

crushed glass beach

The Model Wife

by Oswald J Smith

She was like a clinging vine,
He was bold and brave;
She was happy in his love
For herself she gave.

She was not a suffragette,
Self-sufficient? No!
She had found him all her world
For she loved him so.

Never empty were his arms,
She was always there;
When he needed her the most
He was then her care.

All she had she freely gave
For she was his own;
Love had come and made them one,
They were not alone.

She completely filled his world
For she was his wife;
No one else could steal his love,
She became his life.

Other pleasures had she none,
He was more than all;
Nothing ever interfered,
She was at his call.

When children came, her love
Still remained the same;
They could never take his place
Though they bore his name.

He was with her night and day
For he held her dear;
She was never satisfied
Unless he was near.

He was gentle, kind, and true,
She had won his heart;
Never had she cause to fear
For she did her part.

Arguments she did not use
Stronger where her charms;
He could never disagree
Lying in her arms.

What a welcome she bestowed
When he'd been away!
Tender were the words she spoke,
Nothing to dismay.

Such a marriage could not fail,
God had shown her how;
Without her he could not live,
She had kept her vow.

Down the path of life they'll go,
Walking hand in hand;
Guided by a Father's love
To the better land.

Eugene, 1952

Hmmmm, lately I've been thinking of how to be if a marriage went all quiet and distant. How would I respond? Would I become desprate and depressed? Would the self-growth I have now become withered and dried up? Would all my dreams of a great marriage and a great love vanish? Or could there still be a way for me to florish because God is MY First Love, MY Husbandman, and MY Great Lover of my soul? Could I be a great partner and lover?

I know I could never knowing enter into a partnership with a distant man, but if the marriage got onto this path, I would be sad but I feel with God-Alone He could guide to be the best lover possible yet remain intact and ever-growing in Him. I must always remind myself that I am not defined by other's bad moods or even their good ones. I am defined by my seeking and response to God's love. Am I falling deeper in love with God? That is where it all wrapped up...

citrus austraica!!!

Should I or shouldn't I? I've been wanting a lemon tree to grow indoors for a verrrrrrry loooooong time. I have recently discovered a place that has trees but more an indoor bush style. Logee's has a Meyer Lemon, an Myrtle Leaf Orange, and most interesting to me an Australian Finger Lime tree - well more like bushes. There is a small sale on the Finger Lime and I would have to get all three because it would make a better deal shipping wise. My apartment is small and I am not sure where to put them. I want them so I shall make room! The biggest draw back is that I lack a green thumb especially if the plant is needy! But then again it might not be the plant because I can't seem to grow herbs. I have no porch or outdoor area to call my own and garden in so it has to be able to make it indoors. If I fail in keeping these plants alive, I am out $40 bucks. OOOOOOO that would anger me. I would have to say after loosing precious trees like these, I would never touch a plant again! Hmmm, if I could be successful, I have a wish list already going! a grapefruit and a cherry bush!!!!!

What is it about me that even though I have proven to lack skills in plants, I still have this drive to try it! ??? CRAZY!

never lose by loving...

Funny how you go through different stages when you loose someone special. One of the stages was coming to the realization that I had loved. I truly loved and I will not be ashamed <-- said with strong conviction. Within the relationship I came to an understanding that I was willing to love this guy and love to me was work at it for the rest of my life. I totally kept this to myself. I was proud to recognize 'him' and was waiting for his pursuit. Never happened but I didn't loose.

Within me I have found a more relaxed and yet a tenacious spirit like always. I feel full. I more like a woman than a silly little girl. Don't get me wrong, the little 8 year old girl is still there {wink}. I am not sure that I will ever make a couple but I still wish. It is amazing how God has taken and molded me. I like the new shapes and I am far from being done...

I can't wait ....

'You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.' ~ barbara de angelia

paper, babycakes, home

* I hate allllllllll the plastic bags I accumulate. So I finally got the nerve up and asked for paper at one of my local grocery stores. Don' know why I feel like I am bucking the system. Anyhow, I just noticed on the paper bag, I can get 3¢ off on my next bill if I reuse the bags! Deal!

* I just got my first NYC Babycakes newsletter. She is writing a cookbook for all of us food allergy peeps!!! I am excited.

* I have to report that being home is the best place. My nerve endings can heal. No one belly aching about this or that. No complaints. Just me and myself - hanging out, being peaceful, and smiling by watching a funny movie. A bonus? Finding the driver to make my scanner work on my newer iMac version.

I needed to have good reports. Anger crept into me today. I get so tired of others especially ones you like comments that hinder the work atmosphere instead of encourage it. Some of the comments that come out of her about others are somethings she actually does. I don't like thinking like this about her yet I don't want to fall down into this either. Whatever is of good report .. think on these things....

a hooded raincoat ...

Rain pouring on the roof, windows, and walls makes for a great day to curl up under the covers. Wrong! It is Monday! I pull out my trusty raincoat where the inner lining is frayed. I must find a new one. I don't care for umbrellas but I sure love a raincoat with a hood. In my book it is not a raincoat without one! I haven't seen a good one this spring or summer season... I wonder what the fall season will hold...

Dwelling Place ...

There are 31 listings of 'Dwelling Place' in the Bible. 29 found in the OT and 2 in the NT. Last reference is in Revelations. All are speaking of God. I like this Name of God. I have found myself reciting Psalms 91:1 lately to battle my restless aching heart when I find myself wanting things that God knows I don't need at this time. I found that I am talking back and taking back my dwelling place as worldly vices and evils knock on my door. I just didn't call it a Dwelling Place. After chewing on a verse I found and the small amount of research, I declare my Dwelling Place is in the Shadow of the Almighty... my Fortress, my Refuge, God Alone Whom I trust...

Psalm 91:1&2
He who dwells in the Shelter of the Most High
will rest in the Shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, "He is my Refuge and my Fortress,
my God, in Whom I trust."

Psalm 84:1
How lovely is Your Dwelling Place, O LORD Almighty!


Psalm 90:1
Lord, you have been our Dwelling Place throughout all generations.

milk silver sliver ...

I was snuggled in my sofa watching a favorite movie. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a fingernail sliver of the moon. I kept watching it move through the dark night sky. It seemed to get bigger and bigger and the color seemed to change from a milk silver color to a pale peach. Bed time was calling but I continued to watch as the moon slipped west and down into the trees. A smile spread across my face and a little sigh fluttered in my heart... Night moon.... Thank Heavenly Creator! What beauty! What a bedtime vision! Night God...

first cork & first agave ...

I have tried wines in my past but have been very tentative. Then last Christmas and New Years, I thought I would try a glass of Riesling. Ok honestly here, I chose it because it came in 4 tiny cute BLUE bottles, but my massive headaches came back! Wines do not list their contents and I've had many wine people say there is no sugar in them. Well, something was in it!

I happened down the juice isle last Friday (8/10) for some reason. A bottle stood out with its sale ticket. I picked it up. It was a bottle of wine that was 'dewined'. Sauder has this 'fre' line of wine. They have a way to take the alcohol out! This bottle had a listing of ingredients. No sugar! I debated a bit but the bottle ended up in the cart.

When I got it home, I realized it had a cork! Oh no! I never got a cork out of a bottle before. I had visions of breaking the bottle or the corking taking flight (not good with a house full of glass) or cutting myself with glass shards. All I had was a cork screw on a pocket knife and the strength of a very light weight girl. I tried. It wasn't moving. I took the cork screw out and put it back in. I tried again. No movement. Argh. Is it getting hot in here? Hmm, got an idea. Should I try it? What if I flip backwards on my backside with the bottle tipping over and breaking? I am imagining the dweller below me ducking for cover with the noisy thud from upstairs! Oh, I am going to try. I take the bottle over to a rug and tucked my feet around the bottle. I then pulled as hard as I could and as easy as I could. SUCCESS! Cork came out easy. Bottle did not budge with my nibble feet holding them in place. I remained upright. No loud crashes.

I got a cork screw that helps in easing out the cork. I still might use the level of the floor to help.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have been searching for agave (8/3). I call it 'cactus honey'. The GI content is less then honey. It would be a great substitute for my sugar allergy. I know I could find it in a health food store but hadn't found the time or made the time to go to one. Through word of mouth, a local store had it. I went and got it. It is a very light taste compared to the heavier taste of honey. I really haven't made anything with it. To warm here to bake at the moment. I have put it the chilly smoothies. I will use it sparingly. It is about twice as much as honey. Bummer...

So send I you

So send I you to labor unrewarded,
To serve unpaid, unloved, unsought, unknown,
To bear rebuke, to suffer scorn and scoffing,
So send I you to toil for Me alone.

So send I you - to loneliness and longing,
With heart a-hungering for the loved and known;
Forsaking home and kindred, friend and dear one,
So send I you - to know My Love alone.

So send I you - to leave your life’s ambitions,
To die to dear desire, self-will resign,
To labor long and love where men revile you,
So send I you - to lose your life in Mine.

by Margeret Clarkson

Whew! This hit me this morning as I drove into work. A very lonely hymn...

picture ≠ imagination

I got poor marks in reading comprehension and I LOVE BOOKS! Go figure!!! Over the years books have been more source of excape, education, and self-evolution. So why was it hard for me to grasp what I read? Do I still have the problem today?

Do you know I do not dream in picture? Yeah, strange! I dream in thought. I think that weird but I can't tell how others dream and I've asked. I would think most people dream in color and in picture. I just realized that my imagination isn't in picture either! Ok, I really think that is very bizarre!!!! Guess what? I am a highly visual learner!!!! Plus, I have a real creative rut about me. What a crazy coconutter {wink}!!! Hey, I guess that is why I love reading the books and watching the movies together.

So after all that crazy, I've connected the dots to why I can be creative and also have a good imagination. Another wierd fact about me is that I cannot do math in my head; it must come out on paper. So it is no surprise to me that I must bring my imagination and my comprehension out in picture form somehow whether through drawing or photos etc. Nifty!!!

Sorry, I just had to share my 'connect the dot moment'. I love brains and how they work especially my own.

mystic burrow ...

The green grass was weighted down with sparkling dew drops. The dark trees stood in masses as the white mist tried to hide them in its hazy vapor. Seeing a far off was a dark tunnel like hole where the trees parted back to allow for the road I was traveling on to make its way through. Surrounding this mystic burrow, the atmosphere was aglow in a pink and peach radiance that the sage like orange round sun. A fine beginning to a heavy handed day that promises of heat, humidity, and possible rain.

depression {n}

We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us.
~madame de stael

Be honest... how true it this?

Hmmm, question...
What if you cease loving yourself when others do love you and continuously 'try' to love you?

This life is all about teamwork but most go about living unto themselves and doing it their own way and being in the spotlight. So why should it shock and miff me when others cease to love themselves because they refuse to allow love in. I am afraid this is the definition of full blown depression.

freedom {n}

He is man that has major tatoos on his arm and wears black. He has red splotches in his black hair reminding you of flames. He has metal in his ears and has a rocker feel to him. His looks don't bother me but when his mouth goes off, you cringe. He seeks out your weakness and exploits it to get inside your head and throw you off your game. He claims to be an atheist yet he seems to know the Bible forwards and backwards. If he sences your weakness is your faith, watch out because he slices you to the bone and there you lay flayed with no structure to hold your ground. I sat there in horror as I watched him skin his victim. I in the safety of my covers began to talk back. How would I deal with such mental gymnastics? Could I hold my temper? Could I be quiet and soft but with a way about me that kept him safe yet put him back a few paces? Could I be a light that was soft and tempered like a candle? Could I be the salt that flavored the pot? If you can get around his verbage, you can see soft moments in him. Sometimes he goes to his victim and asks if he can talk. I think he smart and has feelings. I think he can really get a person. Pretty sure there is a wall of some sort holding back the truth of who he is. I have yet to see someone respond in a gentle but firm way to expose him in a safe place. Instead he gets curse words and religious verbage slung at him; he goes off smugly because he just proved another 'fanatic' is the same as him and no better. He's right again...

If only in the heat of tirade, you could stop the film and see what he brings to the table and work with that. Don't change him but be free to fill the cracks with love. Don't react! If he gets a response from you that is soft, smart, asking, just maybe he would be speechless and actually see the Jesus instead of hearing religious-words-without-deed thrown at him...

A believer has to be very deciplined with their speech and their love. The only way to have decipline is to keep your eye in the Word and actually do what God has requested of us. Our speech meaning the choice of our words and the tone we put behind it needs to embrace honor. How else is our very being going to reflect God's Glory? Nooooooo, we get defensive and abrasive, devouring others as well as ourselves...

Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:15-18

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.
Galatians 5:13-16

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it--he will be blessed in what he does. James 1:23-25

Through out the NT there are many references to freedom. It hit me last night and again this morning. What is freedom? Will it change how I conduct my life?

free from what?
* Free from anger!
* Free from old ways
* Free from sin
* Free from death
* Free from desires
* Free from fear
* Free from rejection

What really got me was that I wrote down that I am free from anger. The surprise for me is that when someone comes at me with their loud voices and their accusations, I am free from that. I do not need to react. I do not need to have a whole body melt down. I do not need to start kicking myself or fight back. I do need to cut with my tongue. So what am I free to do?

free to what?
* Free to love
* Free to be kind
* Free to be impartial
* Free to learn without rejection
* Free to try without fear
* Free to become my purpose

I am free to refuel in God's Word when I feel the pressure of anger. I can love the angry person by being tenacious in my kindness realizing what they are bringing to the table. I can defuse them by knowing I am free and giving them back their dignity and a bit of control. I don't need their approval or disapproval. Ultimate Control is in God's Hands. My control is being soft.

Again having the picture of the table for me is very helpful. I know there could be underhanded things going on under the table, but all I have to work with is what they bring to the table and my own God-Given Bounty...

Free from the chains of anger and free to actively lavish love...

drip drip drip ...

t or f?
No one can continually ignore considerate, loving actions. If you make your mate feel special, you increase his or her desire to do the same for you. - From "It Takes Two to Tango" by Gary and Norma Smalley

I believe this to be true! I have seen it work in action when I have targeted a subject to hug on a regular basis. Our relationship changed. So I have decided to work on other subjects. I am tenacious and constant. So this should not be a hard feat only in the dark and low moments. By keeping this tucked close to my heart, I will remain encouraged to keep at it.

bourne ultimatum ...

I would rate this movie a 9.9 and 1 Excedrin preferably before seeing the movie. Oh my, a headache and an 'carsick' tummy! Yikes! Hey, no girl friend got popped!

Being serious now, it was good to see Jason find the truth about his beginning. In this movie he chooses not to get involved with a girl. It seems that boys take the adventure and leaves the girl behind. Girl too close to 'spy' makes for a dead girl. Always part of the story line of a man's adventure. In real life girl belongs in the adventure. How does a boy keep the girl and the adventue? An interesting question and of course a soap box of mine!

How do Navy Seals and Secret Agents keep their work secret and keep a marriage? Can it be done? I personally think it can be done. Just haven't found the right match that believes like I do...

power of a question ...

I have been learning the capacity of asking not only others but of yourself. "Quiet Leadership" by David Rock had a ton of questions to ask but I need questions that I can and would ask. Here is a small sample:

* Where is your source of pain?
* Suppose you get rid of it?
* How would that look or feel like?
* Who is your souce?
* What is true in your life? What is false?
* How do you make it true?

I am finding true or false questions and the suppose questions handy for me to ask. They seem real to who I am. What questions do you feel comfortable asking?

Q.T.

What should my quiet time look like?
I talk to God all the time. I've got the praying without ceasing down maybe way too much. If I am a listener like I think I am, I need to carve out more time being quiet before Him. For now I would like to take 15 minutes of total silence in each day. No music. No t.v. Only me and God's word. I have decided on a few tools to keep my focus only on God's Word and not my own internal verbage.

*ask a question (seek)
Make question from what I read. Beware because after one question more come. Isn't the answer aways within the right question asked. I really like this technique. It gets me deeper inside His Word and then I can apply it my life.

* make an equation
You simply take a word add or subtract or equal or not equal it to another word. It is simple which it what God's Word is all about. One I have now is 'good gifts ≠ shifting shadows' (james 1:17)

*song
Singing a hymn that relates to what I've read.

*word picture
I love word pictures. If you really think about it Jesus was great at word pictures.

*contrasts
When you put two things up against each other, there are matches and opposites to be had.

*connect the dots
Nothing just stands alone; it is woven through out the fabric of the Bible. It is about searching a topic through the pages of God's Word and connecting them.

*butterfly
This is seeing that 'one Bloke wrote this book and repeating Himself over and over.' It is seeing that one butterfly wing mirrors the other butterfly wing. What you see in the Old Testament is reflected in the New Testament.

This is what I am starting with and I can't wait to see how it will morph into bigger things.

a date with God

STAY!

My evening and weekend was winding down and I was not looking forward to the work week. I was looking for an excuse to sit on my duff. As I was flipping channels about ready to shut it off, I rested on a lady talking about Ps 91 in a new way for me. I would like to share it with you.

He who dwells in the Shelter of the Most High
will rest in the Shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD,
"He is my Refuge and my Fortress,
my God, in Whom I trust."
~Ps 9:1-2

I have always enjoyed this verse especially in times of war whether physical or spiritual, but I really never claimed it as my own because I saw it more for the actual foot solder in a real flesh and blood war. Now I see it for the every day crazy bustle.

What I notice is the big old fat verbs. Can you see it? He who forsakes all else and runs to God and stays - no running in and running out - STAYS, will rest in the shadow of the Almighy. Picture the sweltering heat (pretty easy in the states where high heat and humity makes muah pretty wore out and punchy). Now picture running into the cool house. Who wants to go outside in the heat? You stay!

I really like these verses as I see myself running God. He sees me coming and His Arms are out stretched just waiting for me. He pulls me in and I rest in His Shadow. Then it goes further. I stand my ground and use my biggest voice where I declare God is my Refuge and My Fortress. I stake my trust in God ALONE.

The lady went futher and what caught my ears was that she said that 'if we fear the news, stop watching it. No, I take that back - you should be talking back to the news!' I yulped but not enough to disturb the neighbors! I have been talking back to shows but when it came to the news, I often found myself worrying in prayer. Probably impossible to do cuz you can't do both. Ok, I would worry and weep. From now on, I will be talking back to the news, too. I will claim Ps 91 and Ps 37.

The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for He knows their day is coming.

Happy Ending...

No Reservations ...

I loved this movie and would rate it 10. It is a simple, cozy, romantic chick flick and clean too. It is a must for my movie library.

My eyes did water and that could have been because I was in a rush to get off work. I was miffed at a demand made upon me. I won't rehash but in my anger, I knew I needed to surrender to this demand. As I let the darkness envelope me, the tears most likely came from the leading man's character. He was not mopey or dark or detached. He was not afraid of the leading lady's superior aloof passion for her cooking. He got in the mix and stood his ground. She melted and I melted. Where is a man like that in my life? Unfortunately, I am attracted to those mopey, dark, detached guys. Not because I am looking to be rejected but because there was this chemistry of finding something you always knew you lost but wasn't sure what it was until I found it in the relationship with him.

I do have to say the leading man did leave. He decided after the blow out to leave NY and go clear to LA. He didn't make it but that is leaving in my book. Maybe I am a little to hard on that but when that special man walks into my life, I want no doubts of his sticking to this thing called a relationship.

No reservations, right?

deceived?

¹⁶Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. ¹⁷Every good and perfect gift is from Above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly Lights, Who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸He chose to give us birth through the word of Truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all He created.
~James 1

What are we being deceived by?
Could it be that we feel dejected because 'good gifts' turn sour, dry up, or vanish and we wonder if the 'good gift' was really good? Could it be that we feel foolish because we acted in good faith what we thought God was saying for us to do and yet the 'good gift' vaporized? Could it be that all the packing for our Eternal seems like dust in our hands? Could it be that the shifting shadows have the control and we are fooled?

What is a good gift?
Could it be that we forget to attach perfect to the good gift? I admit I am guiltly. =S Could it be that we forget that God has Fatherly instincts and ways? Could it be that we forget that He would never suffer us to go without? Could it be that we forget that His Gifts are Heavenly and intended for Light? Could it be we forget that Heavenly Light is warming, comforting, and shines casting away all shifting shadow? Could it be that we have forgotten that He DOES NOT CHANGE? Could it be that we have traded our adoptive rights for sackcloth and ashes away in a dark corner? (see James 1:7&8 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.)

a good gift is:
... good, superb, excellent, designer
... perfect, flawless, matchless, exemplary, true
... light
... eternal

a good gift is NOT:
... shifting shadow

Who gives a good gift?
God, who is the Heavenly Father, gives good and perfect gifts to His sons and daughters. He gave us Eternal Life. He gave us His Word. Best gifts but He does not stop there. He gives us an abudance of good and perfect gifts designed and individual perfect for our designer purposes and journeys...

gifting single...

Is being single a 'good gift'?

An interesting question! I am going to have to compare 'being single' to a gift that someone gives you that you just don't understand why you received it or what you are going to do with it. Take the shirt you get when your parents went off on some really hot vacation. You know the shirt. The one that says 'My parents went to Hawaii and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.' Ok, you got this t-shirt as a gift, now what?

I have to say that 'being single' is one of those types of off-the-wall gifts you really don't know what to do with it especially when you feel the need and want to be on a team because it really what you are good at. Being in this position after loving but not being loved back - in fact just walked away from - I feel strongly that I need to practice my faith and really look at this 'being single' as truly a gift.

When I call it a gift, I put high value on it. It is not received and forgotten about after an hour of playtime. I really make sure I cherish the giver of the gift by wearing when they are around or displaying or appreciating it. So with 'being single' I must choose to wear it with pride. I can still love passionately. I can still enjoy life fully. I can be focused on being a beloved. I can be open and attentive. I don't need a husband rather the Great Husbandman fills in. I can make mistakes and yet be allowed to grow. I can be tender and vulnerable without any risk of be shunned. I can be as tenacious as I am without fear of disgust. Through it all I know the Great Hands will temper my love and my passion. All I have to care about is the Smile on His Face. In Him I have a worthy Team Player who wants to stick with me more than my stickiness. {smiles} No more of this unwanted feeling. Ahh, well worth it.

Asking for vs. using what is on the table

I can't get the conversation I had with my little brother this past Sunday. He is getting his master's in psychology. His teacher has encourage him to ask for what he needs in relationships. Little bro conveyed his struggle. He has asked and has gotten not much back. To me there was no success in his asking. Quite frankly, I believe it to only promote more discontent with in him. Funny too but I kept my mouth shut on this one - no more honestly, I didn't think about it until later ... our own relationship changed more than I wanted it to when he got married. Asking would have started a fight. I was forced to use what was brought to the table.

I am way to tired to ask any more. I have done that and won't go there. I am on to something new and has better success. I am less disatisfied with my life and who I am. I want solutions. Good ones. What is more successful is working with what is brought the table of a relationship. Like I keep stressing is that you cannot change someone so stop wishing it so. Just work with what you have.

It is about what you can control, right? You cannot control people! But look at what is on the table and be an artist and create something magical from it.

So with little bro, I am going to use questions (psychology!) to edge him closer to coming up with his own answer. (Your answers are within you, right?)

I am curious too to see if one idea is more right than another. I just have never seen the asking to work well. I cannot go there. It isn't my answer. But for theory sake, I will keep tabs on his success rate with asking...

a date with God...

Swindoll has been talking about developing decipline in devotion to God. Quite fitting after I realized that I didn't make a theme this year and the last couple weeks I have realized that this year is about seeking God. Rule #1 - You cannot change people. So you work on yourself, right? But looking more intently at time in my life where depression had been a label put on me. I realized then as I realize now that telling someone in a deflated state to be happy find that they cannot. I believe that the only change that comes to you is when you begin to seek God. He begins to take you on a path and when you look back, you only see the former self. You have changed though seeking!

You start by asking for something deep - something for the soul. God hears. Then begin to listen for His Voice. He has always been speaking through His Word and it is always filling. Now once upon a time in the near past, I felt that the Bible wasn't exciting to me like it should be and I am a word person to boot. Today I am blown away by how excited I am about how the Word has touched so deep that now I understand how it is Forever! Everything shall pass away but not the Word (Luke 21:19). This all started when I started putting verses that touched me on 3x5 cards. I carry these cards with me everywhere in attempts to hide His Word in my heart.

Swindoll has 4 guidelines in decipling your heart in an intimate relationship with God. They are simplicity, silence, solitude, and surrender. The core is being alone with God. Just you and Him and of course, you better be seeking. He meets you and embraces you. You have nothing to fear.

I look at myself and I need to up my ante. I do spend a lot of time talking to Him. I do think I spend a lot of time on my gratitude for what He has done for me and in me. I declare God-Victory and declare His Attributes. All good but I do need to put some structure into a set Quiet Time with Him. A date so to speak!

the anger game ...

Contrasts. Something about them that makes me stand back and listen up. There is always something of a mystery to play out and learn from. I was watching a man who has taken on 'Evil' as a name and a woman trying to do be good yet playing a game not so well. I sat there amazed that between these two seemed to be a pull in a confrontational way. I believe 'Evil' is drawn to her to bring her down. He twists everything she says by bull dozing and plowing down what words she says even when she tries to defend herself. It was so hopeless.

I then proceeded to go mental and try to figure out how I would handle what is put onto the table by someone like 'Evil'. I know I cannot deal or handle anger in any way. The slightest raised tone sends me over board. But I want to play this out and figure out how to handle an 'angry Evil'. How do take the anger out of the confrontation? How do I give him a bit of control yet take myself out of the fray? Do I share anything with him that he will soften or keep sacred things away? If he felt I was keeping anything away from him, he would turn so then what could be the 'meat' to throw him off devouring me? I was searching.

Love my searching mode because God always give me a Word to pull back the mystery. On the way to work this morning the radio guy was giving a verse that talked about anger so I quickly joted down the words .. the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God (nkjv) .. . Yup, that was all I got. So I knew I had to do some searching for it online. Found it!!!!!!!

¹⁹ My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. ²¹ Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the Word planted in you,
which can save you.
²² Do not merely listen to the Word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.
~James 1niv

Last night I was visioning the table with 'Evil' presenting me a cup full of his brand of fire water. Instead of jumping in I wanted to hold back and remember to 'see' everything. In the moment it is hard to remember to hold back when the anger inside is boiling up my thoat. In the moment it hard to hear God's Words echo from my soul to my mind. If I could just stand back and begin to picture what is under the table so to speak. For me that is how I can be quick to see-listen. Maybe that will enable me to be slow to speak and slow to anger up. It isn't about the little fish bowl you find yourself in but rather the life free like on eagle's wings...

Who said life isn't about games? Isn't 'Evil' trying to pull you into his game? Isn't he trying to pull you under and take the 'righteous life' from you?

I love words and I love how His Word is planted inside and yes, it does save you... if you do what it says!

Thank You, Heavenly Father. You will not let me be consumed! Huge huggers. I am safe within Your Almighty Arms.

tapioca pudding!!!! mmmmmm

Not having chocolate is a real bummer. No sweets either - ok but man, I like to have some dessert please! Blueberry pie or blueberry crisp. I can handle it but even having a controlled cheat that brings on a slight headache is too much. Well, I finally made a dessert that will cover some of my grumble!

I made tapioca pudding with 2 T of fructose instead of the sugar the recipe called for. Fructose is natural. I refuse to use artifical sweetners. Not putting chemicals into this body. No after taste either unlike stavia.

I even used my rice cooker, too. I am allergic to rice and the rice cooker has to find new uses. It has a special memory attached to it and I wasn't fond of getting rid of it.

I love tapioca pudding and haven't had it in a million years. I tried in a pan I think and without sugar. I didn't make it again. Something happened or it was gross. Can't remember. Oh, maybe I tried it in the microwave!

definitely toe tappin now that I have a huge bowl of tapioca pudding all for myself!

3 REFUSALS ...

I heard this list from Steven Davies and wrote them down. He stated that there are 3 refusals for a believer's life and they are: MEDIOCRITY (poorness), LETHARGY (sluggish), and APATHY (indifference).

I say this list is great for all areas of your life. One must guard from these 3 monsters in the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual parts of your life. 'Movement is medicine.' One must keep active. What areas need to be focused on?

One should take the test at a personal level and then take it a social level. Friendships and relationships of all kinds need to take these monsters by the neck and choke them. I am sorry but I see way to many people just give up.

I had a discussion with my little bro about his relationship with a significant family member and his friendships or the 'it is too hard to be your friend' comment he was told. Argh! Good conversation. I know and have travelled that path. But I also tried to steer him onto my new findings. - You have only what the person brings to the table to work with ... and no more. - You cannot have more even though you think significant family member should be able to bring it - it is in their job title. Not easy.

Friendships are still important to me. Ok, I am obsessive in this area and still am. My approach is better. I know who I am and the person I strive to be. I have made absolutes that I follow. When I have a relationship, I work with what I am given - no more, no less. If I see hurt or pain or the lack of joy, dreams, or passion and this person is significant to me, I bring the 'sunshine.' I will not tire.

I doubt highly that I made an impact with little bro. But after another 10 years under his belt and welts on his forehead from beat his head against this wall, he will finally give in to this new concept. He is where I was at 10 years ago if not 10 weeks ago. It may sound like giving in (hate that!) but it isn't because I am still attacking every significant relationship with all I got but it more about what I am giving and what is there to work with. It is softer.

Anyways giving up is giving in to mediocrity, lathargy, and apathy! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

built to share

Tears are suppose to mean something. On the way to church all along downtown people were setting up chairs in prep of the big parade to begin the largest fair in the land. My radio was wailing out country tunes all the while my eyes are streaming. On the way home again the same thing happened. I am not a big fan of the fair probably because it makes me feel unattached. I am built to share. In fact all humans are built to share. When you can't or are denied, it is a slow death in your heart. Adding to that country tunes just compounded the emotion.

soft ...

* is the thud from a very young unripe green apple falling from the tree.
* is the flutter of two white butterflies in a lover's dance among the neighbor's flower garden.
* is the sudden breeze whispering through your slightly curled hair on a cool summer saturday.

schools supplies ...

Yes, I have a weakness for school supplies! Why? Well, this year with my new office space at work, I am going for organizational tools. It has spread to my home too. This past week my frig front got a make over! The top essential this year is the dry erase board because I can paint on it making fit into the room. I found a simple $1 erase board framed in wood. I painted my purple flowers that has become a favorite motif of mine. Then I proceeded to clean up the disarray of magnetics gracing my frig front. I spent an evening cleaning up and realized what a great place a frig front can be. It is looking good and it is useful.

I was lucking to find another erase board for my parents frig. I painted grapes on theirs and got the colored markers. They were impressed. Hopefully, they put it to good use.

I am already scheming. I think my front door which is magnetic is the next victim!

Auslan ...

I love language and I have dabbled in sign language. I have worked with severe needs high school aged kids and used some signs so they could communicate. I also feel it is important to use baby sign and if I taught ESL (English as a Second Language), I would be using some signs to teach with too. I feel signing is a great learning tool for all and not just for the deaf.

Like any language there are going to be different dialects, accents, and words used that aren't used in other places. I just discovered Auslan - the Aussie version of sign. I see there is a bit of controversy and the schools are switching to Auslan from signed English. I am not sure what it means but I kinda think parents must teach what they want their children to know and not just depend on the school system. I know my own opinion and hard to do with such busy schedules....

wheat among the weeds ...

Matthew 13:24-30 & 36-43

24 He set another parable before them, saying, “The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, 25 but while men were sleeping his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. 26 But when the stalks of wheat sprouted and produced grain, then the weeds also appeared. 27 Then after the slaves of the master of the house came, they said to him, “Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Then where have the weeds come from?” 28 So he said to them, “An enemy has done this.” Therefore the slaves said to him, “Then, do you wish that we go and pick them?” 29 But he said, “No, lest while you are picking the weeds, you uproot the wheat together with them. 30 Permit them both to grow together until the harvest; and when it is the time of harvest I will tell the harvesters, ‘First gather up the weeds and tie them into bundles to burn them up, and then gather the wheat into my barn.’ ”

36 Then when he left the crowds, he went into the house. And his disciples came to him, saying, “Explain to us the parable of the weeds of the field.” 37 So answering, he said, “The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man; 38 and the field is the world; now the good seed, these are the sons of the kingdom; but the weeds are the sons of the evil one, 39 and the enemy who sowed them is the devil; now the harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels. 40 Therefore, just as the weeds are gathered up and burned with fire, so will it be at the end of the age. 41 The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will gather out of his kingdom all that causes sin and those who commit lawlessness, 42 and they will cast them into the furnace of fire; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. 43 Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.

Wow, I have missed this parable. I know some of the others but this one is like brand new to me. I heard it today from Ravi. He put it in such a way that I really connected to but wanting to reread and go over it. I want it to sink deeper. Ravi said God wants us to be seeds and DIE - meaning break our lives open and die to self. As a seed grows, we too are to spiritually grow and not to worry as we will grow along side the weeds. To me it sounds like another way for believers to redeem the time... Plus, not to worry.

Argh, how I worry over such stupid stuff like evil and I just don't have to! What a paradox too. Try dying to stuff. Before you take that step, it is the hardest thing to do. Then take that step and the next. Then you begin to ask yourself why you are so joyful! Could it be? It just is. Simply put - seek God with all you have - yes, even as a believer you don't stop seeking. As you continue to walk closer and closer to God, you cannot help but feel a deep seated joy....

You have taken account of my wonderings;
put my tears in Your bottle.
Ps 56:8

I read this the night of a good day. As I curled up for a sound sleep, I thought of God's vault of tears. Bottles and bottles of tears - one labeled with all my sad, painful, and lonely tears, another with my joyful praise tears, another with God-Stirrings.... sleep settled in, but I loved the thought of how such a Supreme God would take in account of little old me. It is amazing wonder that God takes notice of my footprints, my questions, and my tears. He notices. I am recorded and valued. I am LOVED.

web distraction...

Everyday this week Lady Spider has spun her web between my jeep window and the left side mirror. At least I am not walking into it as I opened my to crawl inside my jeep. I hate getting a mouth full of web. Yuck!

I did watch the web a bit to much this morning seeing how much wind it would take for it to come apart. I almost missed seeing a car in my blind spot because of the distraction. It really wasn't a pretty web like the ones captured in those wet photo shots. But it is interest piece of work to see how strong and yet how flexible a tiny web is.

I must get my booty up and out the door earlier. Then just maybe I can take a few more minutes to find Lady Spider. Well, no biggy. I could just be late to work... I've worked over time.... now time to cash in on some God-Beauty.

Be Still, my soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

~Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

~Words: Katharina A. von Schlegel,
translated from German to English by Jane L. Borthwick

Don't make me

Girl when I look at you,
you look through me like I'm not even there
I'm trying not to give up, to be strong
but I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place your heart is hiding
I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting.

Baby, I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me.

What if when I'm long gone it dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear if I leave here
It's done, I'm gone, that's that
You carried my love around like it's a heavy burden
Well, I'm about to take it back
Are you sure it's worth it?

Baby, I love you, don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me.

Baby, I'm begging please
and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me.

Stop loving you
Stop needing you...

~ sung by Blake Shelton

Whoa! I feel like that but the ears I feel like shouting this to has shut down. Probably permenantly. What do you do when you want to leave but feel that something is there to hold to? What do you do when you know he isn't coming back but a tiny hope that he isn't that callous since he showed no signs of it before? All I can do and have been doing is slowing letting go. With each letting go, the goodbye is becoming more and more final... Please don't make me!

coal burning love...

Young love is a flame, very pretty, often very hot & fierce, but still only light & flickering. The love of the older & disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable.
~ Henry beecher

Hmmmmm, I used to feel sad that I would never get to experience the young love of a twenty something and now the thirtysomething kind of love. I used to think it was important to experience all the ages of love. Would it all add to the vintage of an older love? Being on an isolated journey maybe there is too much pain in the ages of love. Maybe not having allows one to love deeper and stronger when one gets to have love? Maybe too I will never know.

I was reading about loniness by one of my favorite authors - Ron Mehl. He suggested loniness was the time to have undivided time with God. One question. What happens if one has 30 something years of loniness? Am I missing something? Or maybe I am a real slow learner. I love to learn and I have some good lessons that I would never have had with another. I have had some amazing alone time with God. I would like to share though...

Lately, trust and obedience to God has been tickling my heart. It seems so simple and quite possibly freeing. I don't ask God why. A big no-no. It hinders your growth and makes you stuck. I just would allow the mystery to keep going. Now it seems the answer to the God-whys is TRUST ME and obey. Blessing follow. Interesting! So everytime that God-why creeps into my mind. I shout back - TRUST GOD. HE IS SEUPREME. I WILL OBEY. I will be still and let HIM work His magic...

lightening, fireflies, & fireworks...

It was three way fireworks for me! The sun had gone down but the last lights where bouncing off the thundercloud sitting in the southern sky. Within that thundercloud was God's lightening spreading wide and high. The usual lightening comes from the west and comes east in a random order. Not tonight. It stayed within the mean looking white cloud. Purely spectacular! In the grasses was the fireworks that happen from lightening bugs/fireflies. Soft yellow glows softly coming on and off. A gentle peace. And lastly all over the southern and western skies just above the tree lines where amateur fireworks poping and wizzing in sparks of colors and whites. Patriotic music playing softly as the tv was making their own fireworks. How I enjoyed the view.

Happy 231st birthday!