six days too late …

A month a go we realized that Andy's health was in decline. Our fervent prayer was that Andy would fall asleep and not wake up. We did not want to take him to vet as he hated it so much that we would have to sedate him for fear he would have a heart attack - way too traumatic and not what we wanted his last moments to be.

As I tried to capture as much time with him, I would see how he was still engaged and wanted to be apart of the family. As I held his furry body close to mine and feeling his heartbeat, I could not fathom taking it. I kept praying that the God Who cared about the fallen sparrow would take Andy sooner than later. Last week I was getting mad at God and saying in the same breath that I didn't want to be mad but what was the purpose of this wasting away. He allowed Muffy our cat to die all curled up in sleep. We didn't know anything was wrong with her. Why couldn't Andy be allowed that escape?

Mom couldn't be home Monday through Wednesday so last Sunday would have been perfect timing except we would have missed out on what we thought was his last story to tell - waking up Mom to clean his bed and then went back to sleep contented. I spent a little time with him. Thursday night and as he tucked his nose under the covers with his paws curled under his head, I captured the last picture to remember him by. Friday I barely had tears because I couldn't understand why God couldn't take him. Then Sandy Hook happened and I was noooo, not more loss for Christmas. Saturday morning and still no word of Andy passing I just bawled. I didn't want to start the day. But then word came.

My second prayer was that I could see God's Presence through the loss of Andy like I saw His Presence through the warm blankets during my surgery. It is best to not dictate what you want to see. You want to be surprised. You want your eyes open. You don't want to miss it. But I couldn't see anything - just yet…

I did breathe a thank You to God for the relief of death to put an end on suffering. I thanked Him for giving Andy a lot of sleep. Even the timing was good. Mom wasn't alone. The passing was in the morning and while she was cleaning him up. Being Saturday Dad was home with her and we could bury him and not struggle through a work day. Plus, little ones that were coming the next day wouldn't have to see this. Even with these small blessings, the biggest blessing was yet to come.

I gathered a couple of pictures and wrote an email and sent to couple of coworkers that knew Andy was sick. I didn't want to talk about Andy aloud. I didn't want to cry any more. At the end of my email about Andy's contentment with us, I simply stated that "through this pain, I was contented in Who has me." That was my only reference to God.

A coworker began to share all her hyperventilating fears that she was having this weekend over the Sandy Hook incident. Mj has been on my wish list for Jesus. Was this an opportunity to share Him with her? Through shaking hands I typed out my struggle this year and that the only light I had in this dark world was God's Word and a personal relationship with Him. I hit send. A verbal seed has been planted after much walking seeds have been showered in her life.…

Then I realized the purpose of Andy passing was right on time in God's Plan and not mine. Andy passed six days too late so that my raw personal pain could be added to the national pain so I could share my True Hope and Real Light to a coworker friend who needs Jesus.

Isn't amazing? God does not waste my pain nor my tears!