to have & to hold ... 50 year tribute!

June 18, 2016

Dearest Mom & Dad,

What an honor to have 50 great years of marriage with one another!  I am so proud of you!I have been blessed to experience 47 of those years.  I loved discovering your wedding day pictures.  Peering into those bright young faces ready to start this new adventure called marriage, I can’t help but think you made young love so beautiful.  Memories like photos come to mind.  It is varied with downs, sideways, & ups — all cherished & loved.

There are those leaking tents, laundry mat trips, compliments of well behaved kids, going to church, having a missionary in our home, making a Navaho hogan from popsicle sticks & ‘mud’, frozen pipes that burst, leaking trailer roof, skinned chins, skinned knees, broken arm, library trips, reading to & giving me the world of learning through books, family vacations, long car rides, bickering kids, all the wonderful cats & dogs we have adopted or in one case we were the ones adopted, teaching the art of riding a bike (bushes), afternoons at the pool, Dad’s flowers, pulling weeds in the garden, expecting a baby brother, buying a house (411 S Greene, our impossible dream - Jehovah Jireh), moving, teenage angst & silent sulking, band contests & trips, teaching the nuances of driving a car (bushes), leaving your child at college, gallbladder surgery, diverticulitis & surgery, support for buying house & being the movers, diabetes, not feeling good because of the heart value,  clean up after storm damage, & open heart surgery make a wonderful collage of memories that have made us a home.

There is a perfect picture in Psalms 1 of what your marriage has been for my brothers & me.  Your marriage is a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season & whose leaf does not wither.  One word — prosperous — for the Lord has watched over your marriage & home.  You have given us strong roots watered by the Living Waters of Salvation.  This is treasure stored in Heaven.  You have stood against the ways of the world & have instilled in us to love God & to enjoy Him forever.  This is the shade of soft breezes that you cast by standing tall & not withering under the heat.  The fruit of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control has been given in full abundance in your home.  You gave us boundaries, teaching us that the thou shall nots was for our protection & the thou shalls was blessings.  Thank you, Mom & Dad, because of 50 years of wedded covenant together now I can be a sheltering tree to those who come my way.  You make vintage love more beautiful than young love!

‘too amazing for me … the way of a man with a woman’  proverb 30:18-19

can you feel prayers?

Can you feel prayers?  This question keeps hounding my thoughts.  I honestly don't feel prayers.  Wouldn't you know the associate pastor and his wife were commenting on feeling prayers when they were visiting my Dad yesterday.  What?  Has my feeling meter bottomed out?  Is something wrong with me?  We have just gone through some major life and death stuff.  Am I numb?

I am a feeler.  When I see someone overcome with tears, I become a blubbering idiot.  Keep me away from funeral homes.  I know I am not numb to pain or heartache.  Is my spiritual radar not working?

With Dad's heart valve replacement and bypass surgery, I had and continue to make my requests known to God.  I have a lot of prayers answered.  My desires were meant.  Yes, Dad came through the surgery with flying colors.  I am overwhelmed happy about it.  However my top prayer has been answered which was to SEE God's handwriting all over this surgery and to continue to see Him through the healing process.  It didn't matter which way God was going to bring us through, I wanted to SEE HIM! Wow!  I SEE.

Dad's valve had only the space of the writing end of a pencil for the blood to travel through it.  Those times he had to stop and rest because he felt like he would pass out or those times he vomitted because his equilibrium was off were a heartbeat from an attack.  For the bypass surgery there was artery right by his heart they could use instead of using a vein in the leg.  By using this artery by the heart means they will never have to replace like you might with a vein from the leg.  (I do not have a medical license so I probably not using the right termology!).  We had two lake effect snow systems as well as just a normal snow system go through.   I was able to take off and be my Mom's chauffeur.  She loved it and I am glad I could use my snow eating jeep to cart her around safely.  Dad was grateful too.  Friday night was a doozy!!! The snow was super fine and coming down.  Little brother wanted to eat a certain restaurant which required a GPS.  He used his phone as well as a 'real' GPS.  He had us all over the place because the two were giving conflicting directions.  We didn't get to that restaurant but after a fast food joint, we made it home safely.  Poor Mom!  There are many more moments to come and I am excited to see.  

Do I really need to FEEL prayers when I can SEE God's Handwriting?  What do people mean by feeling prayers?  Is it because I am a visual person that I describe 'feeling' by sight and not a holy roller touched moment?  I don't think it is something to worry and fret over but it is a curiosity!

well wishers...

Taking a long weekend off garners a lot of questions to what you are doing or just simply 'have a great weekend off having fun.'  When you give the reason that your Dad is having heart valve replacement surgery, you are smothered in 'I will be sending you good thoughts' or more frequently used 'sending you good vibes.'  Others will say good luck.  Some will add that they will send prayers.  It makes me sad.  

I was about to have a little tweet rant about good thoughts, good vibes, and good lucks when I stopped because one person in particular could have by chance read and not fully understand.  She needs Jesus not a turn off.  Then as I was processing these pale empty well wishes, I released prayers requesting what you want to happen can be just as empty as these other well wishes.  

There are two types of prayers.  One that comes from fruit bearing believers.  One that are empty from unbelievers or just said as a lame way of wishing someone well.  With a serious surgery it is a very uncomfortable place.  What do you say?  Poor unbelievers!  My eyes speak and they probably were quite blank or stark when people gave their well wishes.  I know Jesus.  I know He isn't a candy dispenser.  I know His Wishes might be contrary to my own and would that devastate me?

I begun to have a serious think.  Why pray?  What is its purpose?  Don't freak out!  It is quite healthy for believers to challenge Biblical foundations every once in a while to see if things will hold up or if you need a little bit of fortifacation.  What did His Word say about the prayers of the righteous?  Let's find out!  

James 5:16 "... The effective fervent prayer of the righteous a avails much."

What is effective? Capable.  Successful.  Powerful.  Efficient.  Useful.  

But what does that mean Biblically?  It does NOT mean a prayer that goes my way is effective or successful.  It does mean prayer that shows off God's Glory is successful and effective to calm a heart in storm.  I think one must take time to ask if their prayer is effective...  I have had times when I have come away from prayer more frustrated and agitated than helped.  I hadn't left it in His Strong Hands.  It is usually when someone has made choices that I personally think is wrong and dragging their precious cargo into the fray.  Can I pray a more effective prayer?  God's Promises.  That is the answer.  Stop relying on my feelings and truly engage my faith.  Am I going to trust and obey?  Am I going to watch and wait, yielded and still?  It is the only way to have Victory in Jesus.  

What is fervent?  Keen.  Ardent. Eager. Passionate. Zealous. Fanatical.  

Whoa!  Not hard to understand that!!  Pretty straight forward!  

What is avails?  Benefits.  Helpful.  Useful.  

No, there is no 'you're prayers will be answered.'  So does prayer help the situation or help me or the does it help the person I am praying for?  I am thinking no, it doesn't help the situation in most cases.... !  It should help me or the person I am praying for.  Alas, we shall know more by and by and most definitely in Heaven. 

Proverbs 15:29 "... the Lord hears the prayer of the righteous."

What strikes me is that the Lord hears.  How often do we hear the Lord?   Do we listen as He listens?  Do we hear as He hears?  

Both verses are about our communication skills.  It is a give and take.  How often is it just one sided?  Am I doing all the talking?  Am I "talking back" Scripture?  Am I believing what God has declared in His Word?

I have thought through and yet there will be more thinking to do. For now though --

Why pray?  What's it's purpose?  Shouldn't prayer condition the heart and mind in God-Confidence?

                                       

what is faith?

Like always learning is a circling staircase.  I get little bits here & there ever building upon what I have squirreled away.  Last week after hearing a Family Life podcast (Feb 1-3, 2016) with Pastor Crawford Loritts's book "Unshaken", I was greatly encouraged.  Pastor Loritts described faith with 3 promises.  First promise is that God is in this.  He delivered me into this & He will deliver me out.  He is the Great I AM.  Fill in the blank for what you need →

I AM _______.  Need a Healer?  He is the Healer.  Need a Comforter?  He is the Comforter.  Need Help?  He is the Helper.  Need a Deliver?  He is the Deliver.  Need a Friend?  He is a Friend.  What a relief!!!!  I don't have to worry!  If I haven't removed myself from the palm of His Hand, I am in the safest place ever even when all around me is chaos.

Onto the second promise of faith.  God will substain me.  Substain means all my needs will be supplied.  If I am in a hard spot, I am not wanting.  There is no need to wallow in woes.  

The third promise of faith is that God will carry me through this.  The storm may rage & I might get wet & I might feel way out of sorts but I won't mind because Jesus is the Captain of my ship & the boat won't go down with Him in it.  

Having FAITH described as GOD-CONFIDENCE with 3 promises has help me to pray differently.  I am no longer worried about whether I am making my requests known to God in faith or not.  Instead the requests I bring to my Heavenly Father are now prayed through the three promises. 

Yesterday my Daddy had heart valve replacement & one bypass surgery for his heart.  With major surgery like this it could go either way.  I bring my requests like normal but I state: 'God has delivered my Dad into this & God will deliver him out.  God will substain my Dad.  Every need will be supplied.  God will carry Dad through this.'  

My Dad made it through the surgery safe & sound.  The size of the hole the blood was pumping through was no bigger than the writing end of a pencil!  What was keeping Dad from having a heart attack?  God's Hand.  There had been many close calls but we all were oblivious to those moments.  Now what if Dad didn't make it?  Would I be able to say he "safely arrived at Home"?  Two answers yes & yes.  Yes, my Dad is a believer & yes, it was ok for him to go ... maybe with some tears.  God has my Dad. God is in this. God will take care of me.  He is my Heavenly Father.  Dad was just a reflection.

God has sustained my Dad & us as this is happening to us as well.  A doctor who knows his craft well.  Nurses who are there 24 hours watching & caring & taking him through the process of healing.  There was 48 lake effect snow that has gone through & now we are having our second but even so it has not been bad.  If it gets bad, I am here with my Jeep & Mom doesn't have to worry.  My mother's brother, his wife, & daughter were able to make it to encourage my mom while we waited.  Our needs have been provided for by His Almighty Hand & I am looking forward to more sightings of His Almighty Hand working.  I actively ask for sight.  I don't want to miss out!!  

Dad was in major pain yesterday because they had to wait until he could breathe on his own before giving him a full dose of pain medication. I was thinking this could be the hard part watching him suffer pain.  Today he is doing well.  He still had pain but he is a trooper & getting through this.  He said his heart is feeling good!!!!  Wow!  We know we have to go through this in order for Dad to finally feel good.  He has forgotten how it feels to just to have a good day.  Imagine when this summer rolls around when the healing process is done!  He had to have this tough go in order to a day free of heart weakness!

We found out the second to the last day of 2015.  I have felt well taken care of by my Heavenly Father.  I am a thinker & I have thought through the good & scary side of things.  He has supplied me with courage through His Word.  Glory to God!  Victory in Jesus! 

lone vs group investments...

It was not a full on pressure but just a very slight hint.  I have to admit that it doesn't take much & I get into a frenzy.  So I had to write it down.  

When you go to church and you feel the pressure to get involved in everything offered, I want to say wait a minute.  First, church is a group of believers.  If my family believe, then my family is church.  If my friends believe, then they are church.  If my co-workers believe, they are my church. So on & so on.  Therefore what I do for believers whether they are in my family or my friends or my co-workers then I am doing them for the church.  It does not necessary mean that if I don't quite fit in a church church that I am not serving.  

Pipe down on the making declarative statements about you must go to Sunday School or teach a Sunday School.  Pipe down on the need of wiping little pink bums in the nursery when the next few words you say it that oh, that isn't my gift.  Pipe down on pushing growth groups as a way to get deeper with the morning sermons.  TOGETHER.  TOGETHER.  TOGETHER.  Yikes.

I too believe in the need of one another especially as the days grow darker and darker.  Let me decide when enough is enough.  I have a small plate here.  I am a loner type who can only handle one person at a time.  The group thing is way too much.  Don't push.  I have family, friends, and co-workers that I take love on and take care of.  I don't need this constant drip drip drip of musts.  

Here is me in a nutshell...
An African Violet needs to stay in the same small pot to be healthy, to bloom, & to grow.  It is not like other plants that get root bound thus needing an ever bigger pot.

I am much like an African Violet -- freshen the dirt & tend to the root but keep the pot small.  I am tiny but mighty for God created my deep quiet fun nature, & my talents, & my spiritual gifts to come together on a lone stage quiet & small.

Loud is in.  Outgoing is in.  Groups are in.  Don't forget the need for quiet.  Don't forget the need of alone time with God.  Don't forget there is no we when before God.  No one will be there.  Remember the talent story.  The master gave one person 5 talents, another 3 talents, and the last 1 talent.  I may have a small talent but I do invest.  I don't seek a huge return.  I am quiet about it.  I can't wait to place it at my Heavenly Father's feet.  I want to return these investments of mine better than I had received.  

how much? $28

It was a very balmy Thursday night in December for us in the North.  A momma walked into the local Aldi's with her four young'ens - a small one in a car seat and the others, a girl and two boys, bouncing with energy.  Momma was there to pick up some groceries.  Should be no problem, right?  Get watch you need, pay, pack up, tuck your family in the car, go home, mix up some supper, & feed your family.  Kids are full of energy but behaving.  Everything went smoothly until check out.  Momma slid the card through not expectling that there wasn't enough funds.  Panic filled her heart as she slid the card through again.  Mr. Cashier said to come back with more funds, he would hold the food.  What? No, she couldn't come back tonight.  She started to take her baby and gather up her kids when the miss next in line ask how much did she need.  Momma said no you don't have to do that.  The miss insisted and Momma excepted.  There was  welling of tears in the lady's eyes.  Something just moved deep in her heart.  It was like she was feeling Momma's story even though she had't a clue to why the funds were short.  No need to know.  It was just a mom out trying to take care of her own. Enough said.  As the transaction was finished & Momma pushed her cart away, Momma said thank you again.  All the miss could do was say Merry Christmas.

Momma had her kids & the groceries packed up in her car before heading back into the store.  She felt the need to reach out to the miss but what could she do?  The miss was just pushing her cart out of the store.  Now or never.  

"I really appreciate what you did.  Is there anything I can do?" asked Momma.  

"No," spoken so softly.

"That was really nice.  I'm a believer..."

"Me too!"  The miss's eyes brighten & glistened as the welling of tears began again.

Momma continued.  "It nice to help out fellow belivers but we are to give to others.... Can I give you a hug?"

It was the 'bestest' & strongest hug ever for both Momma & the miss.

the end.

prodigal son's older brother ...

About 10 years ago I heard a sermon or podcast about the prodigal son's older & angry brother.  I am an older brother type.  I couldn't understand why the older brother would be reprimanded for his anger.  What he stated was true.  He toed the line.  He stayed home and worked hard, loved his family, and wasn't a heartache to his parents. Why all the celebration for the younger sibling?  How many times will this sibling get away with the talk but not the walk?  I didn't get it but I filed it away for later.  Well, later has arrived and I was right there being that older brother and down right LIVID.

Well, I received second hand news that my brother is "coming back home."  He is trying to restore and make things right.  Great! Yay!  But what made me boil was his excuse for living as he has been living.  He isn't a harden criminal.  In fact he has a soft heart and he likes girls who take advantage of him.  He married one and 3 years ago the it ended.  I don't fault him for that.  However, he is off trying to feed that want of a woman.  He has gone to this Christian men's group and it really touch him.  He stopped by Mom & Dad's house and was talking with Mom.  One of the things that came up was how he couldn't understand why his sister and brother really didn't want to have anything to do with him and that is why he has all these issues.  Supposedly he realizes that was a wrong thing.    WHAT? Ok.  I know that is what he had thought but it doesn't do anything to quiet how LIVID I am. What a lousy excuse to waste about 40 years of his life.

Let's just start at the beginning.  Back in our elementary days, being poor our parents every Saturday night would go to the mall to window shop.  It was a chance for Mom to get out of the house being a 1 car family.  I remember leaning over to by brother to say something as we were walking along.  He said "get away from me.  I do not want anyone to know you are my sister."  I am an adult and that was said when we were mere kids.  I am not angry at him for this.  Nor have I held it as an excuse to blame him for all my problems like he is the reason I have never married.  No.  Lame excuse.  However, I have given him wide berth.  I desperately wanted him to like me.  Mom had always said she wanted her kids to be friends.  Family should be the best place to have real good friends that will have your back.  Well, when I wanted to play in the neighborhood games at the ball field, I didn't because my brother was there playing and I would embarrass him.  Instead books and my bike were my friends.  For high school we had two years of band together, but I let him do his own thing and stayed away.  Very few people knew we were brother and sister even though our last name was not common.  Same way with college, we had two years and very few people knew we were brother and sister.  Giving him space did not mean I hated him.  I have always wanted to be close to him.  Maybe with years we would get closer.  I felt that allowing him to do his thing was what he wanted.  I have had moments of where I felt more connected to him in conversation than my "twin" brother ten years younger.  Those moments were because we are nearer in age but those connections have been so brief.  Because I didn't understand him, I have read many books about guys to help me get a man's world but never could I use my brother as an excuse for the voids in my life.

I have champion him all his life.  After he broke up with some girl, my little brother and I went to his seedy apartment house.  We got pizza and a movie.  We were there to cheer him up.  After his marriage broke apart, I got him Christmas things like a small tree and a lot of cookies that all he had to do was put them on a cookie sheet and bake and warm cookies right from the oven.  I wanted my nephew to know that his dad was good and that he still would have Christmas.  For his birthdays after the divorce, I was very strategic.  I got him things to encourage his gifts.  I have gotten him some art pencils and drawing paper.  I got him a book about the Hobbit movie.  Inside was an artist dream.  There were drawings of the different characters.  What boy wouldn't want his father to draw Hobbit characters and have them framed on his bedroom walls?  My thought throughout the years has always been what can I do to draw out his gifts.  That first Christmas he was invited to send the day at my house so he would not be alone on Christmas day.  I cared about his heart.  I have lived the single life and I know the dark corners.  I cared enough to shine light on him.

Mom was taken aback when I exploded.  She doesn't want me to ruin any comeback he is trying to make.  She doesn't want me to be mad at him.  Good grief.  I have always come around.  I will again but I so need time to process this all.  Argh!  The past three years after each family gathering, you can find me tattling on my brother and what the kids are going through to my Heavenly Father.  I am pouring out my guts and tears to God.  What a mess my nephew and his sister has to go through.  I don't care if they look like they are ok.  The bro is with a girl and her three daughters -- one which we haven't met because she is a troubled teen.  Come on!  I feel he should go stag.  Forget these women.  Get right with God and your son.  Maybe then my anger would go away.  Mom said things used to be black and white but today is grey.  Mom, the Bible is still black and white.  "Obedience brings blessing.  Disobedience brings punishment."***

Back to the prodigal son's older and angry brother--
I don't like being angry.  I needed God to be patient with me but to help me through this mess in my heart and mind.  O, how He has.  Each day He brought things to me like:

* I do not want to be disqualified.  Didn't I just tell a co-worker to get through and not wallow?  I must too.

* the FORGIVEN forgive

* act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God -- Micah 6:8

* Joseph didn't blame his brothers.  "God made me not you."
I have fallen in love with the story of Joseph.  Again.  Rejected?  Thrown away?  But never rejected or thrown away by God.  He was always there.  Redeeming the bad things.  AMEN!!

* Who is the enemy?
→ lies, excuses, duplicity, hoodwinked
not flesh and blood!!

* Am I not tenacious?
So what is a little more long-suffering?

Well, I have spewed.  I have pushed out of my brain and heart and into my fingers and out onto the page.  I can exhale and can love again.  Hopefully, my outbursts of mutterings after remembering some little history that proves I have always cared about him will cease.  And that red bump on my forehead from banging my head on the table will stop throbbing.

*** Adrien Rogers

part vs whole

I was reading I Corinthians 13 and was stopped at "knowing in part".  I have a dear friend who shared with me a weight, stressed, upset issue.  I responded and he gave me more and I responded and now I am waiting.  I'm wondering how to encourage and uplift.

What I know is in part.  What I feel is in part.  What I think is in part.  What I say is in part.  Love is the only whole.  How do you wholly love?  How do you wholly love with what you know in part?  How do you wholly love with what you feel in part?  How do you wholly love when you think in part?  How do you wholly love when you say in part?  All I'm getting so far is keep at loving as God would have you do and do it with P A T I E N C E!  Committing it all to Jesus and watch Him turn water into wine....   

Galatians 6:9 says "weary in doing good."

a list vs off the cuff ...

I had a nice long vacation.  This time I did not write down and map out what I wanted to accomplish with my ten days.  There where some things that were a given like shopping with Mom and helping her with my nieces.  It was the spaces where it was just me and the house.  There is sooooooo much to do and I did not want to beat myself up about not accomplishing anything at the end.

I just wanted a reboot.  Get rid of bad habits and make new ones.  I am sooooooo tired of my messy house.  With work it is so easy to be lazy about my house and about me.  I wanted to change all of that.  So how did I do?

I don't want to go to work in the morning, of course!  However, I do feel very happy with my vacation.  I loitered in bed when I could.  I read whenever I wanted to.  Picked up after myself.  Cooked and cleaned up after myself.  I never felt interrupted or frazzled because I had to go to work.  I even did some writing.  Some things got done and I am so happy.  There are some things that still need attention but maybe now I can get to them.  Well, the list is long but I got to keep going.

In a month's time I am taking another week off.  I can't wait!!  Do I write down a list or just go off the cuff?  It is a battle.  So much to accomplish but it sooooooo good to just enjoy life at a slower pace.

1st little girls' sleepover ...

4yo ~

"Your house is beautiful."
It is only the 'mud room'!!!

"I peed in the shower!"  -  She erupts in wild squeals and giggles!
Welllll, how do you transfer a slippery wet child to the toilet without a major catastrophe?  No harm, no foul!  

"Why do you live alone?"
I have no husband.  This little one is alllll about marrying her boyfriend ... on and on... Trying to convince her that boys have cooties!!

*** What a delight this little one is!  Full of giggles and loves miniatures.  A child after my own heart.  My house is better than disney world for her!  She was willing to try new things like taking a shower rather than a bath.  And she comes up with the wildest things.  Like before she came over to my house she asked if I cooked.  She is just the cutest!!!  I lovvvvvvvvve how she says my name!!!!  I don't want her to stop.  I just melt!  Thinking I should change it to what she calls me!!

8yo ~

"Why do you have American flags all over the place?"
Well, that is the decor of my house.  I love the founding history.  Sadly, my pride is zero since recent current events.  

"My tummy hurts."
Wasn't sure what was going on -- a ploy? Or was the medication eating the tummy.  I fixed some warm yummy oatmeal.  She ate and that seemed to help.  We had some good one on one time.  She fixed up some star ice cubes with blueberries.  We made fizzy drinks with lemon sparkling water with the party ice cubes for breakfast.  Oh! Don't mix the lemon with the blueberries!  Good grief, this child with her foods!

"I don't want to sleep in a strange room for the first time."

I say, "your sister is sleeping in here too."

"A four year old can't protect me."
It escalated to the point she was crying and wanting her mommy.  I had to do some quick thinking and get this shut down before major melt down.  Well, I think we had just passed into melt down mode.  Help!!

I said, "you won't have everyone around you all the time to protect you but you have Jesus.  He watches you all the time.  All the lights are on and I have to get ready to bed.  Let me take care of things and I will be back and sit here awhile reading while you fall asleep.  While I am taking care of things, you talk to Jesus and tell Him you are scared and ask Him to help you fall asleep."

I come back and she is on the verge of sleep.  I read a chapter or so of my book and as I leave her breath is even.  She is fast asleep.  As I go to sleep I ask Jesus for her to sleep at least till 7ish.  He is Good.  She was up a little after six.  Not bad at all.  Just more one on one time with her.  

***  What a fascination this girl is.  She is a first born and can have a tude at times.  I get that.  I've been there and done that.  I so want to help her get ahead start on understanding attitudes and how JoY can help her.  She lovvvvvvvvvves games and crafts.  I have not figured out why she likes crafts.  She doesn't want to do the same craft over and over.  It always has to be new.  Yet, I find her wanting to save patterns so she can take it home and do it again.... what? again?  Anyways, I would love to crack the code and find something crafty that she can just dive into and soar all by herself.  I know she loves to make cards.  That has been my starting point....  She loved my craftcave.  I would love to show her how to organize her room into a little haven of craftiness.  

I have started a journal between us while she comes and stays at MeeMee's house this summer.  It is a way to ask her questions that might be difficult to say face to face.  Her biggest fear is her parents dying, her sister dying, and her cats dying.  One of her cats is struggling with life...  Whew! Big fear for an 8 year old.  A big fear for a 46 year old too.  I replied as best as I could -- even the pet fear.  

Ahhhhhh, wonderful moments to collect!!!!

Papaw asked the girls if they saw any animals in the woods at my place.
What?  The animals were inside the house!

standing for a Biblical family standard ...

As evangelical Christians, we dissent from the court’s ruling that redefines marriage. The state did not create the family, and should not try to recreate the family in its own image. We will not capitulate on marriage because biblical authority requires that we cannot. The outcome of the Supreme Court’s ruling to redefine marriage represents what seems like the result of a half-century of witnessing marriage’s decline through divorce, cohabitation, and a worldview of almost limitless sexual freedom. The Supreme Court’s actions pose incalculable risks to an already volatile social fabric by alienating those whose beliefs about marriage are motivated by deep biblical convictions and concern for the common good.

my heart's own bitterness ...

A retiring, widowed, 20 years my senior, IT co-worker was talking above my brainwaves about a work task and without a blink of eye ask me to dinner to talk. The switch in topics threw me.  I looked away trying to form words when he said something about he knew the answer and walked away.  I still could not form words.  My head was nodding and I was trying to will myself to smile.  When the coast was clear, I ducked behind the computer screen and let my face contort.  An exclamation muttered in slow-mo.  {Argh!}

How did this happen??  I am NOT looking.  I am NOT flirting.  There was NO preening or fluttering of the eyelashes.  NO markings of neediness.  NO pheromones.  I EAT GARLIC on a regular basis.  Yes, I do ask questions and I do listen.  I know these are in short demand but it is who I am but it does NOT mean I am looking for someone to fill any so call holes.

Yes, I know that he gets points for taking the risk in asking especially in the today's society.  Guys do not take risks anymore.  It is one thing they should hold onto as a right and and a honor.  (or maybe not- I don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry asking me out). Yes, he is a widow and I feel for the widow.  Widows are singles and from my vantage point from the opposite side of the same pond, they are going to face loniness and aloneness that I have already know intimately whether I like it or not.  I know those dark hours right at bedtime.  I know that feeling where you go out into the public of couples and families and there  you go pretending you just don't care.  I know that feeling of utter loniness coming home from a weekend at your best friend's family home four hours away.  Your house is empty, the sun is setting, and you have work in the morning.  They get to do all of this without their beloved.  Yes, I feel.  I am NOT utterly heartless but let's talk about me.

I am NOT AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT THIS.  In fact I have a bit of anger.  Let's talk about numbers.  I'm sorry but he is my Dad's age.  I already feel way younger than my number but now I feel like a silly little girl.  I am still active. He is a slow walker.  I could do ten laps around his one.  Age gives you a different perspective.  I have a little brother ten years younger and I feel the difference let alone 20 years!  Let's talk about mental capacity.  He talks way above me.  He talks and it could be a foreign launage for all I know even though it sounds like English.  I am all about my brain.  I like to ask questions -- tough ones too.  I'm not dumb but I am not super smart either.  Let's talk about emotional interaction.  He is a co-worker but I know nothing of his true essence.  I have my impression but that is not enough for me to allow the next step.  The secret is a knowing, a developing friendship.  There is nothing here.  It is what makes me the most angry.  I want to be heard.  I am want to be able to walk beside.  I want my voice to be a compliment.  My empression says it is not here.  There is no knowing and most importantly there is no walking in the Way of Jesus on his part.  This is a major must.  Being a sister and brother in Christ is a language and I want that most of all.

The other part of my anger is that when I go to my loved ones for support, I got that look like I should have given him a chance.  One said dating is how you get to know someone.  I had one of those after thoughts -- what I should have said was, you and I did not go on a date and we know each other as friends.   I am quiet and size up the character before taking steps towards getting to know another.  My parents met on a blind date but it will never be in my story.  I know they mean well but come on!  Trust me!  I know who I am in Christ.  God will protect me -- even in the unknown days to come.  The days to come that you don't want to talk about -- those days when the loves ones are gone.  God knows me better than I know myself.  He has taylored made my life just for me.  He knows what works for me.  My story is uniquely my own created uniquely by God.  I may look alone on the outside but I'm never alone. 

Even so, some days I would like to have a man picture hanging out on my desk to scare away the rats.  Probably even better would be a couple picture to be more believable but in my current state that would be a bit hard to come by.  {sigh} It would be a lie anyways.  I must live in the truth.  Walking the Jesus Way is the Truth and the Life.  So I will be a big girl and own my singleness. 

What about my anger, you ask?  Tsk! Tsk! It has subsided.  I sure could taste my own heart's bitterness (Proverb 14:10) and sabertooth mad about it.  It felt like no one heard....  No, God heard my voice, heard the very essence of me and turned His Ear to me!  Oh how, I love Him for it (Psalms 116:1-2).

singing ...

She will enter Zion with singing;

Everlasting JöY will crown her head.

Gladness and JöY will overtake her;

sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Arise!  Shine!

her Light has come.

The Glory of the Lord rises upon her.

She looks and is radiant,

her heart throbs and swells with JöY!

Isaiah 35:10 ; Isaiah 60

Fav Quotes 2014

• "Sometimes when we least expect it, a small cross proves a lovely crown..." ~ Louisa May Alcott / "The Quiet Little Woman"

• "If God is calling me in this then He will equip me to it."  - Dannah Gresh 

• "Troubles are helpers if we take in kindly and the bitterest may sweeten us for all our lives." ~ Louisa May Alcott / "A Hospital Christmas"

• "Women are life-givers who need to speak life to others." - Dennis Rainey

• "When night comes to your world, what do you see? The darkness or the stars?  Hopelessness or hopefulness?  Sometimes, just as He did so long ago, God uses the darkness to reveal His stars-" ~ Max Lucado / 'Follow the Star' from "One Incredible Moment"

• "the cheerleader without the cheer is like pop without the bubbles." - Robyn McKekvy on wives cheering on their husband

• "Love is only love if chosen." ~ Max Lucado's One Incredible Moment

• "You and I have been given by God the privilege to train our appetites." - Ravi Zacheriah 

• "God has reserved you for a special task. In His hands we're not only useful, but priceless."   - Joni Erickson Tada

• "God draws straight lines with crooked sticks." - Joni Erickson Tada

• Deny your weakness, and you will never realize God's strength in you.        -Joni Eareckson Tada

• The greatest good suffering can do for me is to increase my capacity for God. ~ Joni Erickson Tada

• Heartache forces us to embrace God out of desparate, urgent need. God is never closer than when your heart is aching. ~ Joni Erickson Tada 

• "The heart is restless until it finds rest in Jesus Christ."

• "Half of real beauty, virtue, & romance of the world gets put into humble souls, hidden in plain bodies."               ~Louisa May Alcott  / Mrs. Podgers' Teapot

• "The greatest ability is availability."

• … Our burdens are our wings; on them we soar to higher realms of grace; without them we must roam on planes of undeveloped faith, for faith grows but by exercise in circumstance impossible.…"  - streams in the desert March 10

• "Great hearts can only be made by great trouble. The spade of trouble digs the reservoir of comfort deeper, and makes room for consolation." ~ Charles Spurgeon 

• "Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox." ~ Charlie Brown 

• (paraphrase) When you let expectation move from a desire to a demand, selfish anger rears up. (Chip Ingram)

• Love opens us up and we start to feel our pain.  - John Gray (90/10 rule)

•  she says about her man - "I feel like a bird circling & circling an island & never asked to land on his shores"

(.•   )               (•.•✽)

• When coals  separate they cool off; to stay hot they have to stay together.

• "Work is a gift of God. If you cannot do what you love, then learn to like what you do." ~Elizabeth Elliot 

• "Don't let your misfortunes find a home!" ~ Call the Midwife / Season 3 Episode 6

• "Comparison is thief of joy. "

• "A nation's greatest defense is NOT its military, but the family. Our nation's greatest asset is NOT the national treasury — it's the family. The moral spine of our country is NOT in lawmakers — it's in the family, which spawns & nourishes character."          ~ Dennis Rainey

• "What is Joy if it goes unrecorded? What is love if it is not shared?"     Call the Midwife / Ep.8 Season 3

• "If you don't love God first and most, you will have no idea how to love others." 

• "It is by loving and not by being loved that one can come nearest to the soul of another." ~George McDonald

• "Without friends no one would choose to live, though possessed of all other advantages." ~Aristotle.

• "You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes." - Winnie-the-Pooh

• “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” ~ Einstein

• "Discretion is the better part of valor." ~Shakespeare  

• "A man who prays much in private will make short prayers in public."   Moody 

• "Journeys end in lovers' meeting." Shakespeare 

• "FAITH is eyes on Jesus. Fear is eyes on the problem."

~ Pastor Missionary Kouami Midekor / Togo / Matthew 14

• "our Father is committed to supply our needs not our greeds" ~ Anne Ortlund

• "I've learned to kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages."     ~ Spurgeon 

• "Dwell on the size of your God not the size of your giant."

• "You must not dig up in doubt what you have planted in FAITH."  ~Elizabeth Elliott

• "We need to quit struggling and start snuggling."  ~ Corrie ten boom

• "Never mind how great the pressure is, only where the pressure lies. Never let it come between you & the Lord. Then the greater the pressure, the more it presses you into His heart." Hudson Taylor

• Introverts & Extroverts isn't about hating & liking people rather it is about how we charge our batteries."

~ Tim & Joy Downs

• "If you can laugh at it, you can deal with it." ~ Joan Rivers 1955-2014

•  "You got no love in your heart, you got nothing.  No dreaming. No story. Nothing."   ~Australia 

• "Running ahead does NOT hurry up God."  ~ Pastor Chuck Swindoll / Abraham waiting from 80 to 100 for Issaic to be born 

• "Man is to behave like God the Father. The wife is to behave like God the Spirit. The children are to behave as God the Son." ~ Paul Kingsbury  #God'sdesignformarriage. 

• "Man can legalize it but it does NOT legitimize it."  ~ Paul Kingsbury.  #gaymarriage

• "God is using all of your experiences, both good and bad, to develop your character to match your calling."     ~Lysa TerKeurst 

• "I must exchange whispers with God before shouts with the World."      ~Lysa TerKeurst 

•  "Gather where wisdom gathers not where wisdom scatters."                 ~Lysa TerKeurst 

• "You steer where you stare."  ~Lysa TerKeurst 

• "Leave your footprints on the heights." ~ Dennis Swanberg

• "I'm your wife but you are my life."       ~ a woman said to husband. 

• "It is our pleasure to be a friend to others; is God's pleasure to give us a friend." ~ Stephen Davey 

• "We are blessed to be a blessing."      ~ Brain Kluth

• "Trouble is momentary. Memories last forever.  So just hold hands."  #marriage #relationships #families

• "Let the wife make her husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave." ~Martin Luther

• "Our sin has the ability to hurt the most those who trust us the most." 

~ Stephen Davey
#DavidBathsheba

• "Happy list: ✓ something to do  ✓ someone to love  ✓ something to look forward to." ~ Elizabeth Elliott

• "Joy actually sparkles in darkness, and like heavenly fireworks, Joy doesn't require daylight and cloudless skies." ~Patsy Clairmont

• "He who angers you conquers you."       ~ Elizabeth Kenny

to carry a little life ...

I am a story collector.  I am a story keeper.  I like to listen to someone's story.  I like to understand what makes them tick, what makes them smile, and what makes them sad.  I am emotionally vested. It is treasure in the raw.  I have a vast library of stories and as I think stories begin to come together and dots begin to connect and my thoughts enter into new territory.  Often these stories are kept within my library for my own pondering but sometimes the story must be told...

I have a co-worker friend whose story has a similar vein as me and my nieces.  She once opened up to tell me about her child that she miscarried.  I have not experience this in my family sphere when she was telling me.  My heart ripped for her as she stated that she often wonders about this child she will never know.  Inside my heart I am screaming 'I will see this little one and you too can if you fellow Jesus'.  I don't say it aloud.  I want her to hear not shut me down.  Maybe another time ...

Another story comes by a book.  This child is a child with a lot of health problems and does not have many days on earth.  As the story unfolds it is how the mother and father cope with the health issues and with not knowing how long they have with this precious little girl.  I don't remember the title of the book.  Some of the details are foggy.  I am thinking the little girl's name started with an A like Angie or Angel.  What I do remember well is the 'vision' the mother had.  The mother was awake and this dream was of comfort.  It was God surrounded with little children and He was telling them that He has  parents who wanted a baby and He had a tough assignment.  He wanted to see who was up for the challenge.  He went through the list.  Hands went up but then as the list got harder and harder, the hands weren't going up except for one.  This little girl called Angie said she was willing to undergo all of the heath issues and limited days on earth.  This is just a paraphrase and I so wish to find that book!  But what I remembered most about this was how it comforted the mother to know that God had a purpose for this precious baby as well as for her and her husband.  It changed the mother perspective and renewed her weary soul that if Angie could sign up for this hard challenge, she could be up for this challenge as well.

Another baby story comes from Joni Erickson Tada.  Again I don't remember all the details but I do remember Joni saying that this mom knew that something was wrong with the baby and the baby wasn't going to live.  The mom so determined to give this baby in her womb all her best and to be proud to have carry this baby as many days God would give.  I was thinking wow..... to have presence of mind to be joyful and not wallow in grief and loss... I don't think I could do that.

Another story is King David's baby story.  He lost a baby.  He grieved and morned and prayed over the baby but when the baby died, he washed himself up and morned no more.  The people around him wondered at this.  King David's reply was that he could not bring the baby back but that he would go unto the baby meaning that when he died he would go unto this baby.

I've squirreled these stories away never knowing if I would ever need them.  I am not a mother nor will I ever be one.  I do have a mother instinct and vision so maybe some day I could use them....

News! My little brother and wife are having a baby.... lasted all of twelve weeks.  The little one was the size of a blueberry.  I was still in the process of accepting the idea of another pair of feet pattering around.  A new personality to discover and enjoy.  Gone.  Never to know ... at least not here on this earth.  Heaven and eternity though will be ours  to know each other ... so hard to wrap my mind around.  What comfort can I bring to my brother and his wife?  I have these stories.... they are a comfort to me but how do I be a storyteller....?

in AD 70 ...

In the back of my mind I had wondered if today's Israelis could trace their linage to King David or other great Jewish Bible characters and why or why not?  Maybe I was told back in my college Bible classes and I wasn't paying attention.  I really never pursued that question out loud.  No longer do I need to question it!

While reading "An Indescribable Gift" by Pastor Stephen Davey, the answer was given.  I was so excited to see how God works in Mighty Ways even in little questions.

We have Jesus's lineage listed in both Matthew and Luke to show that He is the true Messiah but the Jews are still looking for the true Messiah.  So if they are still looking for the true Messiah why haven't we heard of today's Jews tracing linage back to King David?  They can't!  All the records were destroyed when the Romans destroyed the temple in Jerusalem in AD 70.  "To this day, no genealogies exist that can trace the ancestry of any Jew back to his tribal roots.  No Jew can prove he's from either the priestly or the royal line."

Wow!!!  I find this so interesting.  Interesting that God is in the details.  He has the answer so straight forward.  He keeps pointing all humanity to His Son.  Sad though, because we fail to see Jesus Christ as the Answer...

the bride's veil ...

Have you ever wondered about "& the government shall rest on His Shoulders"? (Isaiah 9:8)  I may have had some wonder but I am living in an age of really bad governments.  Governments that war against its people.  Governments that war with other governments.  Governments that sell off morals and liberties.  Governments that distort truth and freedoms.  So at face value I am glad that the government rest on Jesus's shoulders. He has the last Word.

Pastor Stephen Davey has such a God-given gift of wisdom and knowledge and I love his An Indescribable Gift message where he colors in Isaiah's full picture of the government resting on His Shoulders.

"When the year of Kiddushin was over, the groom would begin a noisy procession to the bride's home.  ... After arriving at the bride's home, the two of them would then begin the walk back to the groom's home ... during that walk, at some point in the brief journey the bride would remove the veil from her face and lay it upon the groom's shoulder, and the crowd would chant a song that included the words 'her authority is upon his shoulder.'  Her life is upon his shoulder: the government of her life was now upon his shoulder.  Obviously this reference includes the sovereign rule of Christ over all the governments of the world, but what is lost is the imagery of a husband who loves his wife and bears the responsibility to care for her, and she finds security and rest in his authority and provision. That is the picture Isaiah is drawing!" (from Davey's message)

As a woman a veil over the face is a covering of safety.  In today's terms I see it like a pair of sunglasses.  Every spring I go for my Saturday sun walks.  I am not the most confident and have to do a lot of cheering myself out there.  Putting on a pair of sunnies help in my little mind that there is a layer of protection between me and others.  If they can't see my eyes, they can't see me.  Yes, I know crazy notion but it gets me out there walking!  So if I lay that protection on the shoulder of my husband, it means that I am allowing my husband to see my vulnerability and allowing his strength to shield and protect me.

"He's coming for you, and upon His broad, omnipotent shoulder you can, as His bride, lay your veil, as you surrender to His authority and His care and His provision.  We say to Jesus Christ: "the authority of my life is upon your shoulder.  My trust for care and provision is upon your shoulder."  We cannot fully describe Him, but we can fully surrender to Him. And as you place the veil of your dreams and your wishes and your will upon His shoulder..." (from Davey's message)

I love that I can lay all upon Jesus's shoulders.  I seek safety.  I want to be protected.  I don't want to be out there on the stage of life all by myself.  Gladly, I have a Husbandman that is my Shield and Defender.  And what broad strong shoulder He has.

It also means that I allow Jesus to govern me.  I must follow His Lead.  I am quite alright with that.  I am human.  I make mistakes.  I run empty of Joy and Love and Thanksgiving and Strength.... etc.  He never runs low.  His resources are rich and plentiful.  He wants me to take His Resources and to use.

I think in pictures and word-pictures and this masterpiece is one I shall cherish and remember and walk more uprightly in this rich abundant life Jesus has given me.

 

a thanksgiving pearl ...

Thanksgiving is essential to the life of a believer.  It is the key to a full and abundant life.  It unlocks Joy within the heart.  What one thing encompasses respect, maners, love, relief, and thoughtfulness but giving thanks?

I became a believer when I was 5 but in 2003 with a job loss I knew I needed a restart.  Meloncholy was my draft setting.  I was slumped at the window of life watching the world go by without me.  It was a good time to try thanksgiving for a change.  It was a small step that got bigger and bigger with each passing year.

Thanksgiving is like a pearl.  It takes an irrantant wrapped and wrapped with praise to be something of great worth.   It puts the focus on the Heavenly Father's Mighty Arms than the pungy pesky problems.  To sum up Psalms 107 from wastelands, darkness, rebellious ways, lost at sea to thanksgiving ... the upright SEE and Rejoice but all the wicked are shut up.(v. 42).

I SAW God come through when we had major storm&nbsp on July 1st. There was massive cleanup to do at my parents' place. The house, garage, and fishing boats escaped structural damage but the winds shredded the ancient trees. There was so much damage that at lunchtime I noticed how defeated my Dad was. I called the brother to come help. While Dad and the brother got the chainsaws up and chewing, my 10 year old nephew and I pulled and hauled big branches to the road. From this hardship I found out my nephew was a talker!

See, the men in my life are quiet and when there are problems afoot they hunker down to process. I never want to be the cause of their silence so I have been seeking God in understanding the inner-workings of man. Having this moment of time with a little man with a fresh divorce in his childhood was God-Given and is a keeper for a lifetime. I hope my nephew felt valued from having my ears as an audience.

God wasn't done with my lesson.  I had a longstanding question for my Heavenly Father. Men grow men. What if there are no Godly men to come along side and mentor your man?  Can a God-seeking girl be a healing presence and God's instrument in her man's life?  Bob and Cheryl Moeller were sharing their book "How to Get Your Husband to Talk" on a podcast. I had done three things right. During a shared activity, I listened and asked clarifying questions. God is so Good.  His Arms are Mighty in every storm.  I am so thankful to have the summer afternoon to be at the feet of Jesus listening to a little man!

This story seems a bit glossed over so let me fill you in with some of the not so glamorous parts.  It was a hot day and hard work.  We were a freak show as people drove by real slow to see the massive damage.  There was no electricity for a week.  Mom and Dad had to come use my guest bathroom.  The stress spurred on the shingles for Dad in the months following.  This was a hard blow.

This is NOT easy and some irritants get by us to take us out.  Sometimes the vision gets blurry before we realize we need a time out  -- a declaration that this day is a day of Thanksgiving to God and whisper not  a need or care.  What a difference it makes.  God doesn't need the Praise for Himself but rather the puny human is in need of praising the Heavenly Father.  We are forgetful -- oh so forgetful.  The world loudly and noisily lies to us and we easily believe the lies and promptly forget the Truth.  Thanksgiving gives you SIGHT to see and to boldly Rejoice in God's Sovereignty.  He never stops protecting or providing for our every need.

I must stay this again - I never want to forget that summer afternoon that my ears were in the presence of my nephew drinking in his every word. Thank You, Heavenly Father, for such a wonderful gift!

choose life or death ...

Last weekend two women who were battling cancer made a choice.  One decided to take matters in her own hands and end her life before cancer could.  The other young woman choose to make a goal and met it before cancer could.  

My purpose here is to record my observation and also to encourage faith when challenged by pain and suffering.  I'm far from being callous.  Every single human would never choose pain or suffering and every single human wants to be in control.  I've had dark days and I've had days when I've cried out to my Heavenly Father asking what my purpose is on this earth.  Ok, I've not had to walk the shadow of death or bore the pain of Job.  So maybe I should not speak ever so boldly or maybe I should...

As the news of these two women where annouced on Monday, it was so blantently obvious.  My heart sunk and I turned away in disgust as I heard the one woman ended her life because she didn't want her live her life in a deteriorated  state.  Too easy.  Too cowardly.  Then the news turned to the young woman who is battling brain cancer.  She too knows her days are numbered and her biggest wish was to play in her first college basketball game.  She can't really practice like the other girls anymore and she cannot run the court to make the basket but her fighting spirit is contagious.  Her school as well as the opposing school decided to move up the first game so she could play.  As they set up for her to make the first basket and the last basket of the game, every heart of the fans and of that of the whole nation were bursting with deep emotion welling up in the eyes.  Very courageous.  Very moving.

It seems very ironic that both women where in the news at the same time.  Seems a very obvious contrast and answer to a very tough question.  No, I do not know the spiritual condition of their hearts but I could not help to be moved and put down a peg or two.  Are you willing to let the Creator of Life decide how and when it is your time to die?  Are you going to face the end with His Light on your face or are you going to turn away?   Pain and suffering can darken our faith.  Will you let it?

Have you experienced something tough that initially would never have chosen but when you  gotten through you would never go back to change it?  Those 'throughs' are the perfecting of our character. It is usable silver minus the dross for the Silversmith. 

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know!  I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and to be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on the account of me. Philippians 1:21–26

give it right back …

You know that advise given for those cantankerous people you have to deal  with?  "You have to give it right back.  Don't let them get you."  I heard this said today from a coworker whose boss told her how to deal with a less than nice fellow employee.  So I began to think about that advise.

So I am to dish it back like I was given?  Wouldn't I take on the nastiness?  Wouldn't that fester and erode my Joy and genthle quiet spirit?  It is not Biblical to dish back what I have received.  It sounds to much like exacting judgement and harboring evil --  No-Nos straight from the Great Book.

No, you don't let them get you but you don't let them drag you into retaliation no matter how deserving they are.  Do it God's Way and keep your head low for "whosoever digs a hole & scoops it out falls into his own pit. The trouble he causes recoils upon himself…" Psalms 7:-5-16  So instead of scooping out, pour kindness over them.  You are beyond the pit lifestyle.