prodigal son's older brother ...

About 10 years ago I heard a sermon or podcast about the prodigal son's older & angry brother.  I am an older brother type.  I couldn't understand why the older brother would be reprimanded for his anger.  What he stated was true.  He toed the line.  He stayed home and worked hard, loved his family, and wasn't a heartache to his parents. Why all the celebration for the younger sibling?  How many times will this sibling get away with the talk but not the walk?  I didn't get it but I filed it away for later.  Well, later has arrived and I was right there being that older brother and down right LIVID.

Well, I received second hand news that my brother is "coming back home."  He is trying to restore and make things right.  Great! Yay!  But what made me boil was his excuse for living as he has been living.  He isn't a harden criminal.  In fact he has a soft heart and he likes girls who take advantage of him.  He married one and 3 years ago the it ended.  I don't fault him for that.  However, he is off trying to feed that want of a woman.  He has gone to this Christian men's group and it really touch him.  He stopped by Mom & Dad's house and was talking with Mom.  One of the things that came up was how he couldn't understand why his sister and brother really didn't want to have anything to do with him and that is why he has all these issues.  Supposedly he realizes that was a wrong thing.    WHAT? Ok.  I know that is what he had thought but it doesn't do anything to quiet how LIVID I am. What a lousy excuse to waste about 40 years of his life.

Let's just start at the beginning.  Back in our elementary days, being poor our parents every Saturday night would go to the mall to window shop.  It was a chance for Mom to get out of the house being a 1 car family.  I remember leaning over to by brother to say something as we were walking along.  He said "get away from me.  I do not want anyone to know you are my sister."  I am an adult and that was said when we were mere kids.  I am not angry at him for this.  Nor have I held it as an excuse to blame him for all my problems like he is the reason I have never married.  No.  Lame excuse.  However, I have given him wide berth.  I desperately wanted him to like me.  Mom had always said she wanted her kids to be friends.  Family should be the best place to have real good friends that will have your back.  Well, when I wanted to play in the neighborhood games at the ball field, I didn't because my brother was there playing and I would embarrass him.  Instead books and my bike were my friends.  For high school we had two years of band together, but I let him do his own thing and stayed away.  Very few people knew we were brother and sister even though our last name was not common.  Same way with college, we had two years and very few people knew we were brother and sister.  Giving him space did not mean I hated him.  I have always wanted to be close to him.  Maybe with years we would get closer.  I felt that allowing him to do his thing was what he wanted.  I have had moments of where I felt more connected to him in conversation than my "twin" brother ten years younger.  Those moments were because we are nearer in age but those connections have been so brief.  Because I didn't understand him, I have read many books about guys to help me get a man's world but never could I use my brother as an excuse for the voids in my life.

I have champion him all his life.  After he broke up with some girl, my little brother and I went to his seedy apartment house.  We got pizza and a movie.  We were there to cheer him up.  After his marriage broke apart, I got him Christmas things like a small tree and a lot of cookies that all he had to do was put them on a cookie sheet and bake and warm cookies right from the oven.  I wanted my nephew to know that his dad was good and that he still would have Christmas.  For his birthdays after the divorce, I was very strategic.  I got him things to encourage his gifts.  I have gotten him some art pencils and drawing paper.  I got him a book about the Hobbit movie.  Inside was an artist dream.  There were drawings of the different characters.  What boy wouldn't want his father to draw Hobbit characters and have them framed on his bedroom walls?  My thought throughout the years has always been what can I do to draw out his gifts.  That first Christmas he was invited to send the day at my house so he would not be alone on Christmas day.  I cared about his heart.  I have lived the single life and I know the dark corners.  I cared enough to shine light on him.

Mom was taken aback when I exploded.  She doesn't want me to ruin any comeback he is trying to make.  She doesn't want me to be mad at him.  Good grief.  I have always come around.  I will again but I so need time to process this all.  Argh!  The past three years after each family gathering, you can find me tattling on my brother and what the kids are going through to my Heavenly Father.  I am pouring out my guts and tears to God.  What a mess my nephew and his sister has to go through.  I don't care if they look like they are ok.  The bro is with a girl and her three daughters -- one which we haven't met because she is a troubled teen.  Come on!  I feel he should go stag.  Forget these women.  Get right with God and your son.  Maybe then my anger would go away.  Mom said things used to be black and white but today is grey.  Mom, the Bible is still black and white.  "Obedience brings blessing.  Disobedience brings punishment."***

Back to the prodigal son's older and angry brother--
I don't like being angry.  I needed God to be patient with me but to help me through this mess in my heart and mind.  O, how He has.  Each day He brought things to me like:

* I do not want to be disqualified.  Didn't I just tell a co-worker to get through and not wallow?  I must too.

* the FORGIVEN forgive

* act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God -- Micah 6:8

* Joseph didn't blame his brothers.  "God made me not you."
I have fallen in love with the story of Joseph.  Again.  Rejected?  Thrown away?  But never rejected or thrown away by God.  He was always there.  Redeeming the bad things.  AMEN!!

* Who is the enemy?
→ lies, excuses, duplicity, hoodwinked
not flesh and blood!!

* Am I not tenacious?
So what is a little more long-suffering?

Well, I have spewed.  I have pushed out of my brain and heart and into my fingers and out onto the page.  I can exhale and can love again.  Hopefully, my outbursts of mutterings after remembering some little history that proves I have always cared about him will cease.  And that red bump on my forehead from banging my head on the table will stop throbbing.

*** Adrien Rogers