my heart's own bitterness ...

A retiring, widowed, 20 years my senior, IT co-worker was talking above my brainwaves about a work task and without a blink of eye ask me to dinner to talk. The switch in topics threw me.  I looked away trying to form words when he said something about he knew the answer and walked away.  I still could not form words.  My head was nodding and I was trying to will myself to smile.  When the coast was clear, I ducked behind the computer screen and let my face contort.  An exclamation muttered in slow-mo.  {Argh!}

How did this happen??  I am NOT looking.  I am NOT flirting.  There was NO preening or fluttering of the eyelashes.  NO markings of neediness.  NO pheromones.  I EAT GARLIC on a regular basis.  Yes, I do ask questions and I do listen.  I know these are in short demand but it is who I am but it does NOT mean I am looking for someone to fill any so call holes.

Yes, I know that he gets points for taking the risk in asking especially in the today's society.  Guys do not take risks anymore.  It is one thing they should hold onto as a right and and a honor.  (or maybe not- I don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry asking me out). Yes, he is a widow and I feel for the widow.  Widows are singles and from my vantage point from the opposite side of the same pond, they are going to face loniness and aloneness that I have already know intimately whether I like it or not.  I know those dark hours right at bedtime.  I know that feeling where you go out into the public of couples and families and there  you go pretending you just don't care.  I know that feeling of utter loniness coming home from a weekend at your best friend's family home four hours away.  Your house is empty, the sun is setting, and you have work in the morning.  They get to do all of this without their beloved.  Yes, I feel.  I am NOT utterly heartless but let's talk about me.

I am NOT AT ALL HAPPY ABOUT THIS.  In fact I have a bit of anger.  Let's talk about numbers.  I'm sorry but he is my Dad's age.  I already feel way younger than my number but now I feel like a silly little girl.  I am still active. He is a slow walker.  I could do ten laps around his one.  Age gives you a different perspective.  I have a little brother ten years younger and I feel the difference let alone 20 years!  Let's talk about mental capacity.  He talks way above me.  He talks and it could be a foreign launage for all I know even though it sounds like English.  I am all about my brain.  I like to ask questions -- tough ones too.  I'm not dumb but I am not super smart either.  Let's talk about emotional interaction.  He is a co-worker but I know nothing of his true essence.  I have my impression but that is not enough for me to allow the next step.  The secret is a knowing, a developing friendship.  There is nothing here.  It is what makes me the most angry.  I want to be heard.  I am want to be able to walk beside.  I want my voice to be a compliment.  My empression says it is not here.  There is no knowing and most importantly there is no walking in the Way of Jesus on his part.  This is a major must.  Being a sister and brother in Christ is a language and I want that most of all.

The other part of my anger is that when I go to my loved ones for support, I got that look like I should have given him a chance.  One said dating is how you get to know someone.  I had one of those after thoughts -- what I should have said was, you and I did not go on a date and we know each other as friends.   I am quiet and size up the character before taking steps towards getting to know another.  My parents met on a blind date but it will never be in my story.  I know they mean well but come on!  Trust me!  I know who I am in Christ.  God will protect me -- even in the unknown days to come.  The days to come that you don't want to talk about -- those days when the loves ones are gone.  God knows me better than I know myself.  He has taylored made my life just for me.  He knows what works for me.  My story is uniquely my own created uniquely by God.  I may look alone on the outside but I'm never alone. 

Even so, some days I would like to have a man picture hanging out on my desk to scare away the rats.  Probably even better would be a couple picture to be more believable but in my current state that would be a bit hard to come by.  {sigh} It would be a lie anyways.  I must live in the truth.  Walking the Jesus Way is the Truth and the Life.  So I will be a big girl and own my singleness. 

What about my anger, you ask?  Tsk! Tsk! It has subsided.  I sure could taste my own heart's bitterness (Proverb 14:10) and sabertooth mad about it.  It felt like no one heard....  No, God heard my voice, heard the very essence of me and turned His Ear to me!  Oh how, I love Him for it (Psalms 116:1-2).