my 15,340 day ...

Dear Heavenly Father,
Of late I have been numbering my days along the lines of noting how in the most alone times of my life, I was not alone. Thank You, Heavenly Father for being there all along. During those elementary years I was learning to obey my parents but ultimately learning to love You. I can see You there smiling upon me as I stood on my faith. Even in those crazy teenage years where I would cry myself to sleep because I was so sad and wondering why You would even create me. What was Your purpose for me? You were listening so quietly but allowing me to discover the importance of valuing others. Then those those lousy self help twenty something years where I kept trying to fix myself, You were waiting to for me to stop and let you God-help me. Then in the thirties where I was choosing the wrong path and yet trying to hold onto You, You were waiting for me to choose You only. Each step of the way, You were there. Even today when I like to take off from work and indulge myself on all things fun, I couldn't and I was scared that it would be another blurring hassle filled day at work. You surprised me again and give me a quiet day where I could catch up. Just what I needed. Thank You that on a special day that was basically ordinary, You cared for me ever so deeply.

As this day has approached, I am more at peace with myself because I am more at peace with You. You gave me the Joy epiphany I so needed and now you are showing me that I do indeed have a very special love story all my own. It doesn't matter that I am single, I've got love! I cannot wait to flesh out Your Passion for me onto paper.

Thank You for Your Gift of Salvation and ultimately Your Presence. I rest most confidently upon You never leaving me nor forsaking me. I am truly blessed.

always Yours,
keeper

His Wing...

My alarm radio popped on and after a hymn, the news blared on about the earthquake and pending tsunami hitting Japan. It's the BIG one. I was reminding myself that it was only Friday and I had to get to work after taking off for a funeral the day before. I reached over to my new bedside bookcase and took "Come Away My Beloved" by Francine J Roberts. I read her chapter 'Stay Beneath My Wing.' Perfect!

"Thus saith the Lord to His people: Shall I create, and shall I not have it in My power to distort? Is it not written that the potter breaketh one vessel that He may shape a new one? Shall I not do likewise? Yea, I shall bring My Will to pass, and man shall know that his will is as a broken straw when pitted against the Almighty.

But My people shall know the protection of their God. Because their heart is stayed upon Jehovah, therefore shall I keep them in My pavilion and shelter them until the calamity be overpassed.

If I removed thee from the scene, ye would have no testimony of My miraculous delivering power. Stay beneath My Wings, and I shall make thee as a tower of strength to which the fearful may run and find safety."

"When though passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee; when though walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be harmed; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. "
Isaiah 43:2

As I began my dialogue with God, I asked if the Hymn would play. Wouldn't you know? "Under His Wings" the hymn played on BBNRadio.org as I hurried to work.

Under His Wings
Under His wings I am safely abiding,
Though the night deepens and tempests are wild,
Still I can trust Him; I know He will keep me,
He has redeemed me, and I am His child.

Refrain

Under His wings, under His wings,
Who from His love can sever?
Under His wings my soul shall abide,
Safely abide forever.

Under His wings, what a refuge in sorrow!
How the heart yearningly turns to His rest!
Often when earth has no balm for my healing,
There I find comfort, and there I am blessed.

Refrain

Under His wings, oh, what precious enjoyment!
There will I hide till lifefs trials are ofer;
Sheltered, protected, no evil can harm me,
Resting in Jesus, Ifm safe evermore.

Refrain

Words: William O. Cushing, 1896.
Music: Ira D. Sankey

My heart is heavy as I hear the tweets from DownUnder. 'Queensland's floods, Victoria's floods, Christchurch earthquake, Japan's earthquake and tsunami with pending nuclear catastrophe just in the matter of three months of 2011. Is the world coming to the end?' Then there is such unrest in the Middle East that set my teeth on edge. Within the church I am hearing the last days are near. It is an unspoken 'Heaven in '11?'

Are you ready? What will it take to convince you that you need Jesus? Is there a lost soul you want to see in Heaven? Is there a dream you want answered yes before He calls you home? Are lost and overwhelmed by everything around you? Have you lost everything? How long are you going to hold on this world with a death grip? How much discontent and turmoil can you take?

Oh, how this world makes you crave and crave without filling. Only Jesus Christ can satisfy our hunger. Come. Ask Him to be your Savior and let Him cover you under His Wing.

"When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm. Selah."
Psalms 75:3

Postscript:
Friday night when I could sit in front of the news and use google earth to pinpoint where our Japanese missionary family were located, I was horrified to see that they lived in Sendai right where the epicenter of this quake happened. This was a big jolt of geography! I am happy to report that the family are ok. That is all I know. My prayer is for thus family to be a light and strength to those around them. I am also praying for the parents of a blogger I know who are missionaries in Japan as well...

worldy vs Godly...

CC:
• A boss who pops off without censer and is a 'huffer'. Everything is a problem and a crisis.
• I gave notice that I might need watch my niece when her baby sister arrives. Due the 18th.
• boss is taking vacation from the 18th - 28th and my job has to done immediately and she is my cover. It cannot wait.
• boss huffed and puffed. Her commit was "let's hope baby comes early.
• I let her ruin my weekend. I do not like confrontation and it always ends badly on me.
• Pastor finished up his "conquered conflict" series Sunday night. I felt that God wanted me to do something to end this conflict quickly and Godly. But shouldn't I just cover in love and forget about it?
• I am a stuffer and I am quiet. I hate confronting or trying to talk to my boss because I don't want to end in tears or say something badly. If I did confront, I would have to do through my personality and no other.

• I used James 1 & 3:17 & 18 to ask for Wisdom.
*** do not doubt. Do not be tossed about by what the world does or deems right***
1. pure
2. peaceable
3. gentle
4. willing to yield
5. full of mercy
6. good fruit
7. without partiality or duplicity (hypocrisy or double standards

Boss,
I know we have a problem with our conflicting schedules. I felt it was the right thing to do to alert you on the possible but not definite need to take off to watch my niece when her baby sister is born. I was asked among others so I highly doubt I will be needed but I won't tell my brother no. I am responsible and extremely aware that my job is timely and must be immediate. I am always thinking things through when I ask off so as not to be a burden or as little burden as possible. I feel that is only right to play fair. If I am asked to take care of my niece, I am sure that I can come in the afternoon to take care of production. I really feel there will be nothing to stress or worry about. Things will work out for family as well as work.

I asked off for Tuesday but will have to change that unfortunately to Thursday because of a funeral I need to attend.

My intention for this note is to be respectful to my family as well as my job and to bring down the stress level.

keeper

results:
She came into my office holding the vacation request and the note I attached and proceeded in a civil tone that I would be training a back up for the next two days and then left my office. I was ok with that and a bit surprised that she didn't bring up my note even though it was in plain sight in her hands. She did spout off to the employee who will cover for me that I couldn't take off because she would be in meetings but took it back.

interesting find:
As I was going through my note with a fine tooth comb, different scenarios came to play and also different reactions that might be said. I began to realize that the world's ways are so saturated all around me. I really had to be on point not to react in a worldly way but also not back down on my position of peaceable respect that God desires. Even Christians will critique you through worldly eyes without even realizing it. Always err on the right side! Keep asking 'is this worldly advise or Godly Wisdom'? Have a tough stance on this. I think you will be blown away how easy you are duped!

I am by no means saying that what I did was right. I still wonder but then I go back to 'no doubts'.... there was no major blood shed, no raised voices, no harboring ill will.... it seemed to work...

James 1: 5-8
But if any of you lacketh wisdom, let him ask of God,
who giveth to all liberally and upbraideth not;
and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing doubting:
for he that doubteth is like the surge of the sea driven by the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord;
a doubleminded man, unstable in all his ways.

James 3:17-18
But the wisdom that is from above is first pure,
then peaceable, gentle, easy to be entreated,
full of mercy and good fruits, without variance, without hypocrisy.
And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for them that make peace.

side note:
I do have a very challenging boss but she is human and will get frustrated to tears. She is a grandma and like all grandmas likes to talk about her grandchildren. She takes on a tough job that no one else likes to do and is very dedicated to it. She has been at this job for way too many years to count. She gets mad and panicky when her job is threatened just like all of us. I know I could not have put up with this kind of job for that long. That is my honor list for her and I need to say it when there are 'grumblings' about... I must respect her and this is my most exacting part of my job...

Expression of lifestyle freedom…

Have you ever noticed that those who live the gay lifestyle say how freeing it is to not hide it anymore? There are no more secrets, no more closets. I have heard the stories that lead them to this 'freedom' and I cannot help but to feel that they now are duping themselves even more. What lights my fire is this expression of freedom. Let me say it like it really is.

There is a freedom like after huge Thanksgiving meal where you obscenely pigged out and now you let down the zipper of your pants and flop out your spare tire. You feel a relief. You no longer feel restricted as you slip into that food coma bliss.

Then there is anther kind of freedom like after a Thanksgiving meal where you only ate just enough to be happily satisfied. You stopped long before you blow it. Now you have a freedom of playing flag football or in my dream world a bit of slapstick hockey.

Both express a since of freedom but only one is healthy... only one is honest... only one is honorable... only one is genuine...

fill the loss ...

She has lost both of her parents to aids. Her care giver also died and they keep saying that she isn't handling it well. Of course they are always telling me that she is super quiet. Well, I choose her because of her sad eyes and I know all about quiet. It is not something you fix. It is personality and we quiet ones have a lot to give in a deep sturdy steady kind of way. However, her correspondence doesn't match a seventeen year old and it is basically the same thing over and over. I highly doubt she even knows my name.

No matter what, I hold onto the quiet troubled soul and wrap her in prayer. I worry that she won't get what I am trying to say so I tell God to rewrite as it takes flight.

My life is vastly different than hers and I can only draw from my experiences to get down into her shoes.

Dear E,

We had a real cold winter with a lot of snow. The cold and flu season is hitting us hard. As I begin writing this letter to you, I don't feel well. All I want to do is sit in blankets and daydream.

Have you ever daydreamed about people coming into your life to stay awhile - to stay forever but they do not?

I have had two daydreams like that. One in my childhood and one in my adult life. As a child I wanted a best friend. I was a lonely child and found books as good friends since girlfriends would come and go. I struggled to find someone who had my back. They only would hurt me and then leave me.

As an adult I wanted a husband. I thought I found one. We had long talks. We had felt like two misfits but in finding each other, we were no longer misfits. However, he vanished and I didn't know why. This loss left me devastated and crushed. I was a mess. It took six years and on some days still counting to get over this loss.

Loss is uniquely painful and devastating. Your story will differ from mine but loss is loss. You walk around wounded. No one seems to care. Everything is left up to you and it is a wearisome burden.

Because it it was all up to me and I wasn't handling it well, I unclenched my heart and gave the loss to my Heavenly Father who promised never to leave me nor forsake me. I let God fill in all the loss with Himself. I gave my festering wounds to Jesus Christ who was wounded and pierced for all my sins. He is Healer of wounds. I still have scars and at times they ache a little but they are proof of healing. The precious and mind-blowing thought is that Jesus Christ still bears the scars on His hands, feet and His side from this wounds from my sin.

It takes time to heal but I have abundant joy and when I feel the loss come on, I talk back God's Word. It is about not letting the evil one tear you down.

Have you dreamed of people staying awhile in your life and they have let you down? Are you crushed? Will you keep your heart shut up tight or will you let go and let God carry the burden? Hard choices but you will find peace.

Often when I feel the old ache coming on and then I get busy thanking God for never leaving nor forsaking me. When I have fallen asleep, the tears are not hot nor angry. Rather the tears are of great joy. I want this for you. You are precious in my eyes but more importantly you are precious in God's eyes.

As I am finishing up this letter, I am getting over my nasty cold and feeling much better.

E, keep reading God's Word. Keep seeking Him! He will meet you there.

Always,
keeper

Psalms 62:1&2
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my Salvation comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my Salvation;
He is my Fortress, I will never be shaken.

Deuteronomy 31:1
The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you;
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

He has not abhorred the afflicted ...

When I struggle with the stuff of life, I like to find something from God's word to hold onto. Last year it had been cancer and five days into the new year a co-worker died from leukemia. This one was different because I don't know where she will be for eternity.

My thoughts were troubled as I heard the country pastor give the plan of salvation at her funeral and I wondered how many ears where closed. My heart harbors a hope for a co-worker to know my Savior.

I have seen the ravages of cancer plague human body. I can't help but see this short lived affliction as a small taste of hell with its long term torment of body, mind, heart, and soul. This alone would drive me to my Savior but to most this is just a silly notion.

Getting back to finding Scripture to carry in my heart, I usually pause when I find a crying out from misery and suffering like what you find in Job and the Psalms. I was reading Psalms 22 on Kindle where it is a fresh copy with no personal notes to remind me of past gleanings. Here was a horrific lament to the Heavenly Father. What torture did this poor soul went through at the hands of mere men. I could see cancer here in a human form. However, I was stopped in a silent gasp as I read that this was my Jesus that was crying out. What peace I know as Jesus has traveled here. If He went through all of this while His Heavenly Father looked away because He carried my ugly sin, I can carry this Scripture close and walk hand in hand with the Nail Pierced One knowing that this can't take me from Him. I want others to know this Great Love too.

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged."
~ Deut. 31:8

Are you feeling it? You want it? You can.

What seed are you?

2010 has been the year of cancer. I am surrounded and dazed. I need a way out but there is no escape. All I can do is listen.

With each announcement of the diagnosis and with each turn for the worse, I get busy with praying. I am just an observer feeling helpless on the sidelines. My deep feelings come out in liquid form even when I rest on His Promises - even when I know death will never have victory.

Through the trenches of prayer 'warrioring', God has brought hymns and scriptures to mind to boost my hope. Sometimes it comes in my daily reading of the Scriptures like I Corinthians 15:35-58. On first reading what hope is found! The wasting earthly body will be clothe with glorious immortal body. Now that is something I can shout about after seeing a believer's body succumb to the ravages of cancer. Within the anguishes of prayer I thank God for His Ultimate Design of our glorious bodies in our Everlasting Life.

With a mind that sees pictures, I paused on our earthly body as a seed sown. Aren't seeds little packages of hope and expectation? Hasn't God given us talents and gifts to use for others? Hasn't our journey been filled with hardships and pain resulting in lessons filled with treasure? Put this all together. Wouldn't all we do and all the journey lessons we have required be all neatly packaged in this seed we call our flesh? So what you put into it is what you get? What kind of seed are you? It is frighting and exciting at the same time!

As this year closes and a new one begins, I will be reflecting on little seeds. Well, more like one little seed - me! Such potential to lay this little package God-Designed seed at my Savior's feet or what if the seed doesn't germinate? Yikes! Time to embrace my gifts with more fervor and be more joyful of my journey lessons for when time is no more, this little seed sown will be revealed.... WOW!!

Happy New Year!

keep a secret ...

Sometimes I jot down what I feel is important to keep my focus on in who I am. Sometimes it stuff I have been working on over the years and other times it is new stuff to build up on the old. Here are the 10 things that keep me on my toes.

1. Smile like keeping a secret.

2. Bright eyes gladden the heart.

3. Cheery greetings.

4. Be still - listen.

5. Ask - do not tell.

6. Teach the problem not the answer.

7. Draw a picture.

8. Enjoy, Bless, Honor.

9. Talk back Truth - send Jesus to the door.

10. Walk tall because you are Loved, Protected, and Secure.

Sometimes I feel so very small and inadequate. So by writing these things down, I can drop the facade like an old heavy winter coat on a hot summer day. Oh, to be comfortable in my skin.....

Fav Hymns of 2010

*'Be Thou my Vision'

*'Under His Wings'

*'Turn Your Eyes on Jesus'

*'God's Keeping the NightWatch for You & Me'

*'Return to the Savior Who Cares'

*'Church of the Wildwood'

*'The Church Has One Foundation'

*'Jesus, I Come'

* "When We All Get To Heaven"

*'My Savior First of All'

*'I Never, No I Never, Walk Alone'

Fav Movies of 2010

***Extraordinary Measures***

***Remember Me***

***Robin Hood***

***Charlie St. Cloud***

***The Next Three Days***

I missed seeing 'Secretariat' - maybe in the new year.

Fav Words of 2010

* Mellifluous* = 1) having a smooth rich flow 2) filled with something (as honey) that sweetens
I definitely love this word. I of course love honey now that I can't have the wretched white stuff.

* Cacophonous* = marked by harsh sounds
I love compare and constrast and this word is a perfect foil to mellifluous.

* Aubergine* = eggplant
I was told this was a word for the color of eggplant. She probably found the word in a catalog. I have looked for this word in the dictionaries and I cannot find. (doesn't help if you have too many u's in the word) Another thing is that this word is a British word originating from the French. Merriam-Webster has a neat feature that speaks the word. This word was a surprise to me!

I love purple and what better word to add to my vocabulary.

I enjoyed the movie "Love Happens" where the florist was like a word gorilla. I love words and I want to put more wow in my word knowledge! Now to be sneaky and leave words for other to discover!!

I had two other words that is on some yellow sticky note somewhere. I was bad and didn't retain them in my head. I will do better!

Fav reads of 2010

* "Come Alway My Beloved" by Frances J Roberts ***Best of Show***
Love her so much I got all her books!!!! I also have been giving to the girls in my life as gifts.

* "Vinegar Boy" by Alberta Haus
It was an audio that I must find the book for. It is a fictional story taking place at the time of Jesus at the Cross.

* "God Knows My Size" by Harvey Yoder.
Another audio book.

* "Daily Light" by Jonathan Bagster
I found this devotional to something simple but powerful for family time. It could be very thought provoking for teenagers. It is total God's Word and not someone else's take on it.

* "The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks
Sparks's best book - about a father daughter love.

* "The Lucky One" by Nicholas Sparks

* "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris
Of course the title is what drew me but I left it in the bookstore flyer until I found it at my favorite second hand shop! You could say I liked it because I have given up on getting married. I don't believe so because I do still believe in marriage so some of what Joshua purposes is hard to swallow for anyone especially those in love. What really struck home was he told both guys and girls to stop toying with each other. I totally agree. That is where the damage happens. I want to reread the book and I also want to check out his other book "Boy Meets Girl".

* "Oogy" by Larry Levin
A wonderful story about unconditional love of a dog even when mistreated.

* "Spoken from the Heart" by Laura Bush
I've started the book. It might be about Laura but also gives me a view into my Mom's world.

I am still working on the Narnia series! Yikes! On the docket is the GWB book. I also have the Kindle app so got some classics to read and others to reread.

Best Christmas Gift Ever

Death came knocking several times in the later part of this year through means of cancer. My prayers have come before the Almighty with requests of Comfort and Joy to fill the hearts of the loved ones left on this earth as the holidays have arrived.

I got to know nasty pancreatic cancer first hand when this became the journey for two believers from my childhood days. Even though I saw the wasting away of the body first hand, God brought hope to my heart trough hymns and His Word. Even though tears where in my cup, Joy bubbled up in my heart.

As Christmas neared I found the best gift ever under the tree is where the nativity is nestled. In the shadow of the manger is the Cross and beyond is Sonrise of Everlasting Life. It is a GIFT. All you have to do is receive! Amid the lost of a beloved believer I know that when all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing will be.

As I was contemplating what my itching fingers wanted to write, sad news came. My 1st grade nephew was with family saying goodbyes to his grandmotherly neighbor babysitter who was dying of cancer. It ended traumatically as she breathed her last on this earth. Earth is full of pain and lost. We are human and no matter how strong your faith is, the stuff of earth weighs us down. Through it all for the believer the Son always shines through.

Receive the Best Gift ever today and if you have Eternal Life, enjoy your Abundant Joyful Everlasting Life with childhood abandon. Guess what? The Best Christmas Ever will be that Day of Rejoicing for all believers when Jesus Christ comes back for us!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

iPod want...

I wanted the iPod Touch in the worse way. Could I justify getting one or was it just plain lust? If I got one, could I keep it as a tool or would it become an obsession? So I started to make a list. First glance it looks like I am stacking the deck with all pros but the negative looms large like a green monster hovering over my shoulder. I need a list of what I want so that this iPod serves my purpose and goal.

This past summer I finally got a faster internet so now the dream could happen. It is useless to have an iPod without wifi. I was feeling the pull even stronger. Interesting enough my parents where being lured in by the enticing Apple. Dad finally got tired of slow internet and bumped up to a higher speed. An Apple store opened up locally and we made the trip. I have been an Apple freak for 18 years and it was cool to see my pc parents engage the with the Apple products. Woohoo, it was like being let loose in a sweet and dark chocolate shop where you could sample to your hearts content. A few days later Dad gets Mom an early birthday gift of an iPod. Getting her set up was a nightmare and I reminded myself that it was from forgotten passwords and the new gmail password was acting up as well. Pretty sure that it wouldn't stop me.

Way before now my list was made. I listen to BBNradio.org for the great hymns and sermons. There are times when I am away and miss one of my favorite speakers. On Sundays especially I listen to Ravi Zacherias but he comes on when I need to be at Sunday School at the new church. It is much easier to download and listen to the the iPod than firing up the big iMac. Plus, I can't truly listen well when at the iMac. My eyes, ears, and mind are all over the place. I listen best when my hands are busy and the mind is free to focus on the message like when dish washing or even crocheting. Downloading to the Nano is too time consuming and by the time I would listen get to it, it would be old news. With Wifi and the iPod Touch this would fix it all right up. So what to do with the Nano? I can't just leave in crying in some dark desk drawer. I made plans to rip CDs to it monthly so it won't feel sooo lonely. I do like listening to music as I fall asleep or when trying to waking on a weekend and this brings about 7 plus CDs in a tiny space.

There are times when I have some radio difficulty and having the quick option of podcasts through the iPod Touch & Wifi makes quick work to carry and go in the all to short morning routine. That way I am not stuck to bad radio stations. Those days I can't get my BBNradio really wear me out spiritually. Anything to keep sane at work is a major plus.

I really like to write. I am a major thinker and writing is the best companion to an overworked mind. I see it as one long conversation with God. It is breathing in and exhaling. It is having things gel after a long think. It is seeking God and having Him clear things up. By the time the thoughts and meditations on the Word have gone through the long hallways of my mind and out through my fingers, I am amazed at where I am at. It is like crawling through a sewer and coming out into bright sunshine standing upright.

Now that you know how much I like to write, the question is 'will I be able to use the iPod Touch to write?' Is it going to be too awkward? Will I trip over my brain trying to touch the correct letters? Will I be to distracted by the other gadgets apps and fail at making writing a daily habit?

A deep voice from deep within shouts back that this is the perfect answer for those many moments where I wait like having the jeep serviced. Having a small handheld device would make quick work of writing, blogging, and tweeting. What about those nights right before bed when a genius thought enters the mind. No more laying there with the thought quickly fading away because I don't want to jump out of the warm comfy bed to fire up the iMac that I put to bed instead of asleep. Now this handy device muted for sleeping purposes is right there to touch pad my burning thoughts. No more excuses can be allowed for disappearing thoughts except for a wiggling temptress game app that might catch my glance as I turn into my note taking app.

I most secret love is to write out a poem because it usually comes from a broken heart and a poem mends those jagged edges. Having an iPod handy is like a bandage of healing right at my fingertips. It would be neat if I could make my own ibook where it is readable like the other ibooks but I think that is a dream. A pdf saved in ibooks comes out with tiny print and you have enlarge it to read it. Bummer.

If I can only keep from being distracted by the game and note taking apps! These are the potholes to my writing scheme. I do love how it makes life easier but oh so distracting too. Maybe the excitement will wane a bit and I can get myself under control. I could gush over the reading and the writing all day and into the night long!

There are some other features that I want to discuss. It has a speaker which is nice so one less thing to attach to it. However, it doesn't like to charge to your old but expensive ipod radios. You need an adapter. Bummer. Mom swears by the one I got for her that plugs into the wall so that you aren't always firing up the computer to charge it up. She says it only takes an hour to charge her pod up where it takes me on the computer or other device 2 to 3 hours. I will have to time her adapter! My inquiring mind wants to know.

I love my iMac dictionary and was hoping the iPod would have the same feature. It doesn't it but it is smart and once you get the hang of the help it provides, you can touch pad as quick as you can type and with correct spelling. However, it is a dance you and you have to learn your partner's move or it you send 'gobbly- gook' or like my Mom says 'afraid I send off cuss words!' You can master it if you are willing not to get mad at it first.

I love the Facetime feature. However, it is a weird too. At the beginning I would just laugh because it me it was funny. It makes me nervous too because they can SEE you. That is too wacky! I also love the chat feature. Meebo was what I chose for Mom to make it easier for her to communicate through her Facebook and email all in one place. I use Meebo too. It is easier to have one chat program than all the different apps. Plus, you have to make it easy for your parents to engage in the experience or they will just throw it out.

What that is my list and I must stick to it. An iPod must work for me and my goals. It cannot become an idol of wasted time....

my thank yous '10

*food allergies* This is my fourth year with the knowledge of where my severe headaches come from. With the elimination of these nasty food bits from my diet, not only am I free from head pain I eat healthy too. Before I think my sugar would fluctuate and I don't have those feelings of needing some sugar. Sure, it is a pain at times when dealing with people but I honestly don't miss much. In fact the sweets are kind of sickening when I think about them. *the Bible believing Baptist church that I am now attending* Wow, what a relief to be at a church where I know God's Word is preached and taught. I was beginning to worry about the state of churches in America but I know there is still a small remnant left and one is just the down the street for me to attend and to give back in. *family* I am thankful for Mom. She is a best friend too. She is always there and we have fun. I am thankful for my Dad. He is a thinker and has Wisdom. He is my covering and go to guy when I have to do guy things like taking care of the jeep. I am proud of my brothers. I love the girls who married them and for the little ones they are raising. Plus, for new life in Jaelyn who will arrive in March. I love my pups - all three hairy boys. Bobby, Andy, and Tink are sooooo adorable and very animated. They love wiggling their tails and demanding cookies from Sity (me) when I come over. They love to sit and sleep on Sunday afternoons. They miss it and get naughty when they can' have that time. God's Love Letter to me* I love His Word and it keeps me. *God working through my quiet and shy personality to guide me* I went to the wrong place to ask about fixing the exhaust on my Jeep. The guy was frustrating me and was left clueless what to do. I was there to get the tires pumped and asked the question. I was fuming while waiting for the tires to expand. I thought I was doing the right thing and even prayed about it because I was just a girl asking a grown up boy question about fixing my Jeep. It is way out of my comfort zone. I decided I would leave and not pursue it. I did have another option but I was mad because I had asked God to help me feel safe and get good answers. I had dealt with this guy before and didn't care for his style. I later had to come back to God and say thank You for taking care of me. Dad said I went to the wrong place! Whew. God made me mad so I won't do the wrong thing! ink, ink stamps, & paper punches* I love making cards even how simple I make them. They just add a special touch and I can use them over and over. I am visual and this is my new candy! Love. Love. Love. *my Mac* I have love the Mac for 18 years. It is beautiful and easy to love. I have been able to share it with my Dad this year because he is a gadget freak and is loving the Apple's iPad. He doesn't have one yet. He has been a hard sell. Too pricey he thinks but not so when you see the longevity of the product. An Apple store opened up a few towns over and it was fun to see my parents engage with the Apple toys. Tooooo cool. I have been working on Mom's emails, facebook, and iPod. Using their computer to get these fixed and connected is pure torture. Yikes, give me my Apple and I am a happy camper.

food & games ...

I was invited by the singles at church to a get together on the 12th of November. There would be food and games. I didn't have to bring anything. I knew I would go but that doesn't mean I didn't fret the whole week. I tried to sing hymns to get it out of my focus. I prayed. I didn't talk too much about it to Mom or Dad. They don't get it. In fact no one seems to get it.

Why would I be worked up? It wasn't about shyness rather it is about the 36 food allergies I carry around like a wet paper-sack treating to break at any moment. I haven't even traveled yet with these 36 food gremlins. I haven't even tested at a friend's stay over. I did test it this summer with Jill who was back from Germany. I just told her that I needed a restaurant that had American food so I could pick at it. While eating I showed her the list. She was great and she told me she was eating more healthy to keep the cholesterol down so she wouldn't have to take meds especially in a foreign land. She took it in stride. My own family tries (Mom tries) but they struggle with it. You can't begin to imagine it because you don't live it. So until you traveled down my journey, you just don't get it. Little Bro says he couldn't do it. You do when you want relief!

I didn't say anything while the girls were asking because they came at me like a group of friendly geese. I tend to work better one on one. So do I show up late and miss the food? That seemed to get more deep glares so I would go at the appointed time and hope that they didn't make to much of it.

Scurried home after work. Ate my supper. Called Mom about the turkey. Got ready. Dress to warmly! Minutes to six I headed out because the house we were going to was super close. I went over there and only a truck sat in the brightly lit drive way. I went around that neighbor twice. There had to be more cars because I didn't know the girl or her brother to well. I needed at least one of the two friendly faces before I could do this. I went back home and waited five minutes. It was already five after. So my second trip over more cars where there. Good thing because I told God if there were no more cars I was going back home and staying.

The girl's house is beauuuuuutiful!!!!! She loves roosters and geese but what was a real wow was that she had the whole collection of these 60's dishes in white and pink. My mom has three bowls in white and baby teal. I wanted to really take them out and look at them and hear the story of how she got them. Where they handed down? Or was she a collector? Hmm, story-time! I resisted the temptation because these dishes where in the kitchen where all the food was. Maybe later.

I couldn't eat any of the food which to me was great because I didn't want some of the food to ok and others not. My allergies extend to what I can drink or not drink. The only thing I can drink is coffee but I hate coffee so I only drink water. I do drink fruit juices that have no sugar or sweetener added. Got to be a label reader. Cola is out too. Coke, salad, corn casserole, garlic bread, and lasagna were the menu. Interestedly, the girl who made the corn casserole listed the ingredients out loud with no one asking. That was brilliant! I grabbed the cup with my name on it and went to the tap for some water and went to set out in the livingroom. It wasn't a set at the table kind of thing so I think that helped too. Questions did come up but I kept it simple and they let it go at that. They seemed to understand. I was gratefully relieved.

We played Apples to Apples. It is an ok game but I really come out in games like pictionary. I did show my true colors once. Well, the card was sensual and they asked who said handcuffs! I do have a cheeky side if you must know! Plus, it was the only card that fit. {wink} Ok, I did have honeymoon but handcuffs were just way better. There is a couple that comes to this and they brought their little girl. I think she is about one or so. She was great entertainment. She has a grump look that she carries around when the no is mentioned. She even warmed up to me. I got be cheeky with her too without her puckering up in a cry! She was in charge of carrying the cards to everyone. So this was a very slow game! She got in it so much that we all had a stash of cards for her to carry around. Well, I gave her one but pulled back a bit. She played along like a real champ! I like this group. I plan on trying to fit in and be apart of this group.

The next one in December is a college basketball game with pizza afterwards. This is one will be a challenge. Not sure how I would do that .. leave after the game? Take my own food? I probably won't go but because December is a crazy with birthdays....

The Next Three Days

Since I only write about movies I really like, you can already guess I will rate this pretty high - a 9 to be exact. With Russell Crowe being the lead, I can bank on a thoughtful story being told. This did not disappoint. It is an adventurous love story. It cannot be labeled as a chick flick because of the nail biting adventure but it is what this girl likes in a love story.

So answer this question: What would you do if your spouse is accused of murder? To top it off all the evidence points to her. You are sure of her innocence. You know her. She is not capable of murder. What would you do?

This movie gives you one answer. His wife is convicted and put behind bars but this does not stop him. She can't deal with so she attempts suicide and this just fuels his fire. At one prison visit his wife says she did it. (Here is my favorite part.). He looks straight into her eyes and tells her he will never ever believe that she did it. The movie shows you the hard decision of how much you are willing to do for love. Not love's first meeting but rather how you are willing to do for love that has history and a lived in feeling. Are you willing to kill for you love? Are you willing to get dirty? Are you willing to go forward without ever looking back? Mmmm, this is real love. All good stuff!

I loved how well this movie was written and played out. I love patterns which is all the math you will get out me! This movie was crafted around the power of three. Note the title and the flashes within the movie. Another little piece of interest is that the guy who played Russell Crowe's brother looks very similar making you think he is a real brother! Tell me if I am right! I like the relationship between father and son. It is strained and awkward for whatever reason but you see a father understand his son better what the son could ask for. So these are tidbits but help make the movie.

I did say this movie posed a question. I love questions and I love to flesh out an answer. So how would I answer this question? No, rather how should I answer this question. Even though I would profess deep love and would anything to preserve it, I love God more. If falsely accused and even though I would want to do as Russell Crowe, I would have to be wrongly accused and bear the punishment given with Godly love and joyful countenance. (II Cor 1:8-11)

**language & violence

church membership...

With the applications in for church membership, it would be any moment know. So on Sunday, October 31st they asked to meet with us after church. The nerves began to rattle. I promise that I was listening to the sermon but I had to jot down a few notes to keep my heart still. Then it was time to give our testimonies. I get the Bobby-shakes and was trying to control them by putting my feet firmly down on the ground and my spine firmly into the back of the chair. Oh, you want to know what the Bobby-shakes are? Well, we have three fox terriers. Bobby is one who gets super nervous and starts to shake and twirl. Well, besides trying to control my shakes and not twirling {wicked wink}, I was trying to master my voice while being totally honest. That doesn't work when I tell of my journey with God. Tears stole into my voice but their was no leakage. I get a bit feisty when my heart betrays me by making my eyes tear up. Even though I am finally ok about being single and knowing that it is God's gift to me, I find it such a betrayal that I get so emotional like I am lying. I just wanted it soooo badly - the marriage thing, the husband thing, the wife thing - I had to give it up. I had pry my grubby fingers open and keep them open. It has been quite painful - so painful that it brings it all of it back and I cannot control it. Well, that is the backdrop. What comes next was so out of character that I know it was God saying this is ok and this is the church for me.

One of the deacons who by the front cover was friendly and outgoing put me at ease by saying that he could tell that I was sensitive. The rest sort of blurred out except that he mentioned his wife was a sensitive type too. I could tell that I was in a safe place. This church was going to be alright.

That night this same friendly deacon had an order of business to present to the church. He introduced us as an 'adorable' family and recommended that we be excepted as members of the church. Hands went very quickly and there we were members. The pastors thought it funny that we were called adorable. Then reported that we would get the 'right hand of fellowship' the next Sunday. Oh dear! Not good! That means we have to get up in front of the whole church!!! I leaned over and told Mom that she is conveniently was working that Sunday. Then the pastor said it was time to handshake. Wow! There was a lot of very friendly smiles and hand pumping coming our way. I have been to friendly churches but this one tops all the others.

November 7th dawns like a day that can't make up its mind whether it wants to be cold or warm. My body works on two different temperatures like a living in one time zone and working in another. My hands are cold and very cold especially outside or still. My heart and armpits are warm and very warm especially if I am on edge which for this shy girl can be quite a lot so knowing what to wear that will be comfortable and fitting is like a mental time bomb that is ticking down. I have made a personal decision to wear a more natural deodorant that works but not as well as others might in high sweat zone so tight fitting sleeves especially for the armpits was out. Everything had to be loose and warm enough but not to boiling. So with my selection that was down. Check on the potato sack! {wink}

It was the first thing of the morning service. Dad and I walked up there. The pastor talked to Dad said some things and shook his hand. Then it was my turn. What he said to me wasn't what I expected and again I smiled inwardly as I knew it was God saying everything is all right. He said this church is here for me. He did follow it up by what I knew was important that they would be looking forward to what I would give back. I really needed a safe place. I haven't had a church to ever be that safe place for me. So I am looking forward to this. I do want to serve but more in my quiet ways. Churches have become more and more out there where I feel like an outcast. I am an introvert and I need to love God quietly and to serve quietly. I think I will be able to do it here. I know I have gone backwards when it comes to soft and quiet. I have a lot of broken places in my heart when it comes to relationships and to church. These wounds I carry just might close up and heal now!

Well, what came next was a bit wild. The pastor then said to the congregation to shake hands with us. He wanted to see how many of them could shake our hands as we went back to our seats. That was a lot of hands and smiles and warm wishes. It blew my mind! Dad being a bit cheeky told Mom that the next Sunday it would be her turn. Too funny. It got Mom a going. She didn't have to.

The next Sunday we had mailboxes and certificate of membership. Wild, but I do feel at home and welcomed.

so quiet is wrong?

We are loving the new church because it is a Bible believing church. It is amazing to be so happy every Sunday! It isn't just me, I can feel it coming from Mom & Dad too. We have been going since July and Dad is already wanting to join. So reading over the application and requirements, I got really upset to tears....

What was my Spiritual Gift? I was in a panic! Here I know myself forward, backwards, inside out, top to bottom and I don't know what part of the body of Christ I am? Not only was there panic but there was anger. The reason I know soooo much about myself that it is scary is because I am soooo quiet. Now being a QUIET means that something is wrong with you. So ever since junior high I have been trying to FIX myself. I thought cheerleading would make me louder. Well, I am glad I never got the nerve to try that. I tried out for a college play because I was in a play in junior high and maybe I could do it again. What did they ask of me? Yell so they can here in the back of the little theater. Well, I did. Surprised them but I didn't get the part. After college I poured over every reasonable self help book on marriage, personalities, etc. Since 2003 God broke me of the habit of self help and showed me God-Help. Through all my searching, I have stirred up quite a bit of heat over feeling inferior or the need to change my quiet ways.

Well, I was livid with hot tears pouring out my eyes. Once again here I was crying before bed. I did not want my spiritual gift to be nursery duty or Sunday school teaching. I made a hysterical txt to my little bro. "Your gift is encouragement. See if they have a card ministry. Your cards are great." I wanted to dance on my chair but I was at work and you know, quiet is my normal. I made a call to Mom later in the week and she came through with "God created you quiet. They cannot go against the Creator." This registered Eric Liddell's famous line "God made me fast" Again I wanted to dance on my desk this time but I was at work and you know, quiet is my normal.

So I am dragging out my very big soap box here on llj and lugging out the mammoth speakers turning the volume to deafening.
God made me quiet. God made me creative. God made me word smart and picture smart. God gave me the love language of words just like King David! God made me sensitive. God gave me an insatiable desire to learn. God made me a great listener. God made me interested in others. God made me a great wing-man. God made me an encourager. God also gave me fire. Don't dare to change that quiet in me. Nothing is wrong with me. God made me quiet.

Well, it looks like this is a place to take a breath and pause. I am not done. Surprise, Surprise! Look for another post...

I am a mixed personality but I was so gung-ho on the part I understood and really didn't pay attention to the quieter side until now. God has been stirring up things lately. The 'melancholy' side is curious. More later....

Oh, are you wondering why I got soooo huffy at the beginning of this post? The pastor is a dominant personality. It worries the quiet me. The melancholy side is getting hot and protective. The passive side has had enough after soooo many years of being a wing-man with no returns and a lot of leavers when I did finally spoke up. I am glad the pastor is a strong personality preaching the Word. That is his job. Just wanting others to except my job as a quiet sensitive encourager .... I know a lot of wind without substance. However, I have made my statement now to not backing down... ok more later!!!

strengthen by Him ...

Another believer died last Friday morning from pancreatic cancer. She is a wife and grandmother. Her husband is a big man but this is rocking him to the core. His tummy jiggles as the tears well up and his lip quivers. I have been praying hard that he finds Jesus Christ as the reason to get out of bed each day....

I am going back to II Timothy 4 for more encouragement. "At my first answer no man stood with me, but all men forsook me: I pray God that is may not be laid to their charge. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be preached fully through me, and that all the Gentiles might hear. Also I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His Heavenly Kingdom. To Him be Glory forever and ever. Amen!" (verses 16-18) I saw this through one sick in bed but as these dear loved ones go into the Arms of Jesus, you have to see these verses through the ones left behind. If they can go on with the hearts ripped out but stand strengthened by the Great Comforter, what a message is being preached through the their songs over the storms.

I have been focusing a lot on cancer and carry through it. I am wore out. I have found myself thanking the Lord for the best gift ever - everlasting life. I am sooooo grateful that I have a God who loves me and will never leave me at my defenses. God stands with me and strengthens me!!!!! Now that is pretty AWESOME!