He has not abhorred the afflicted ...

When I struggle with the stuff of life, I like to find something from God's word to hold onto. Last year it had been cancer and five days into the new year a co-worker died from leukemia. This one was different because I don't know where she will be for eternity.

My thoughts were troubled as I heard the country pastor give the plan of salvation at her funeral and I wondered how many ears where closed. My heart harbors a hope for a co-worker to know my Savior.

I have seen the ravages of cancer plague human body. I can't help but see this short lived affliction as a small taste of hell with its long term torment of body, mind, heart, and soul. This alone would drive me to my Savior but to most this is just a silly notion.

Getting back to finding Scripture to carry in my heart, I usually pause when I find a crying out from misery and suffering like what you find in Job and the Psalms. I was reading Psalms 22 on Kindle where it is a fresh copy with no personal notes to remind me of past gleanings. Here was a horrific lament to the Heavenly Father. What torture did this poor soul went through at the hands of mere men. I could see cancer here in a human form. However, I was stopped in a silent gasp as I read that this was my Jesus that was crying out. What peace I know as Jesus has traveled here. If He went through all of this while His Heavenly Father looked away because He carried my ugly sin, I can carry this Scripture close and walk hand in hand with the Nail Pierced One knowing that this can't take me from Him. I want others to know this Great Love too.

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged."
~ Deut. 31:8

Are you feeling it? You want it? You can.

What seed are you?

2010 has been the year of cancer. I am surrounded and dazed. I need a way out but there is no escape. All I can do is listen.

With each announcement of the diagnosis and with each turn for the worse, I get busy with praying. I am just an observer feeling helpless on the sidelines. My deep feelings come out in liquid form even when I rest on His Promises - even when I know death will never have victory.

Through the trenches of prayer 'warrioring', God has brought hymns and scriptures to mind to boost my hope. Sometimes it comes in my daily reading of the Scriptures like I Corinthians 15:35-58. On first reading what hope is found! The wasting earthly body will be clothe with glorious immortal body. Now that is something I can shout about after seeing a believer's body succumb to the ravages of cancer. Within the anguishes of prayer I thank God for His Ultimate Design of our glorious bodies in our Everlasting Life.

With a mind that sees pictures, I paused on our earthly body as a seed sown. Aren't seeds little packages of hope and expectation? Hasn't God given us talents and gifts to use for others? Hasn't our journey been filled with hardships and pain resulting in lessons filled with treasure? Put this all together. Wouldn't all we do and all the journey lessons we have required be all neatly packaged in this seed we call our flesh? So what you put into it is what you get? What kind of seed are you? It is frighting and exciting at the same time!

As this year closes and a new one begins, I will be reflecting on little seeds. Well, more like one little seed - me! Such potential to lay this little package God-Designed seed at my Savior's feet or what if the seed doesn't germinate? Yikes! Time to embrace my gifts with more fervor and be more joyful of my journey lessons for when time is no more, this little seed sown will be revealed.... WOW!!

Happy New Year!

keep a secret ...

Sometimes I jot down what I feel is important to keep my focus on in who I am. Sometimes it stuff I have been working on over the years and other times it is new stuff to build up on the old. Here are the 10 things that keep me on my toes.

1. Smile like keeping a secret.

2. Bright eyes gladden the heart.

3. Cheery greetings.

4. Be still - listen.

5. Ask - do not tell.

6. Teach the problem not the answer.

7. Draw a picture.

8. Enjoy, Bless, Honor.

9. Talk back Truth - send Jesus to the door.

10. Walk tall because you are Loved, Protected, and Secure.

Sometimes I feel so very small and inadequate. So by writing these things down, I can drop the facade like an old heavy winter coat on a hot summer day. Oh, to be comfortable in my skin.....

Fav Hymns of 2010

*'Be Thou my Vision'

*'Under His Wings'

*'Turn Your Eyes on Jesus'

*'God's Keeping the NightWatch for You & Me'

*'Return to the Savior Who Cares'

*'Church of the Wildwood'

*'The Church Has One Foundation'

*'Jesus, I Come'

* "When We All Get To Heaven"

*'My Savior First of All'

*'I Never, No I Never, Walk Alone'

Fav Movies of 2010

***Extraordinary Measures***

***Remember Me***

***Robin Hood***

***Charlie St. Cloud***

***The Next Three Days***

I missed seeing 'Secretariat' - maybe in the new year.

Fav Words of 2010

* Mellifluous* = 1) having a smooth rich flow 2) filled with something (as honey) that sweetens
I definitely love this word. I of course love honey now that I can't have the wretched white stuff.

* Cacophonous* = marked by harsh sounds
I love compare and constrast and this word is a perfect foil to mellifluous.

* Aubergine* = eggplant
I was told this was a word for the color of eggplant. She probably found the word in a catalog. I have looked for this word in the dictionaries and I cannot find. (doesn't help if you have too many u's in the word) Another thing is that this word is a British word originating from the French. Merriam-Webster has a neat feature that speaks the word. This word was a surprise to me!

I love purple and what better word to add to my vocabulary.

I enjoyed the movie "Love Happens" where the florist was like a word gorilla. I love words and I want to put more wow in my word knowledge! Now to be sneaky and leave words for other to discover!!

I had two other words that is on some yellow sticky note somewhere. I was bad and didn't retain them in my head. I will do better!

Fav reads of 2010

* "Come Alway My Beloved" by Frances J Roberts ***Best of Show***
Love her so much I got all her books!!!! I also have been giving to the girls in my life as gifts.

* "Vinegar Boy" by Alberta Haus
It was an audio that I must find the book for. It is a fictional story taking place at the time of Jesus at the Cross.

* "God Knows My Size" by Harvey Yoder.
Another audio book.

* "Daily Light" by Jonathan Bagster
I found this devotional to something simple but powerful for family time. It could be very thought provoking for teenagers. It is total God's Word and not someone else's take on it.

* "The Last Song" by Nicholas Sparks
Sparks's best book - about a father daughter love.

* "The Lucky One" by Nicholas Sparks

* "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris
Of course the title is what drew me but I left it in the bookstore flyer until I found it at my favorite second hand shop! You could say I liked it because I have given up on getting married. I don't believe so because I do still believe in marriage so some of what Joshua purposes is hard to swallow for anyone especially those in love. What really struck home was he told both guys and girls to stop toying with each other. I totally agree. That is where the damage happens. I want to reread the book and I also want to check out his other book "Boy Meets Girl".

* "Oogy" by Larry Levin
A wonderful story about unconditional love of a dog even when mistreated.

* "Spoken from the Heart" by Laura Bush
I've started the book. It might be about Laura but also gives me a view into my Mom's world.

I am still working on the Narnia series! Yikes! On the docket is the GWB book. I also have the Kindle app so got some classics to read and others to reread.

Best Christmas Gift Ever

Death came knocking several times in the later part of this year through means of cancer. My prayers have come before the Almighty with requests of Comfort and Joy to fill the hearts of the loved ones left on this earth as the holidays have arrived.

I got to know nasty pancreatic cancer first hand when this became the journey for two believers from my childhood days. Even though I saw the wasting away of the body first hand, God brought hope to my heart trough hymns and His Word. Even though tears where in my cup, Joy bubbled up in my heart.

As Christmas neared I found the best gift ever under the tree is where the nativity is nestled. In the shadow of the manger is the Cross and beyond is Sonrise of Everlasting Life. It is a GIFT. All you have to do is receive! Amid the lost of a beloved believer I know that when all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing will be.

As I was contemplating what my itching fingers wanted to write, sad news came. My 1st grade nephew was with family saying goodbyes to his grandmotherly neighbor babysitter who was dying of cancer. It ended traumatically as she breathed her last on this earth. Earth is full of pain and lost. We are human and no matter how strong your faith is, the stuff of earth weighs us down. Through it all for the believer the Son always shines through.

Receive the Best Gift ever today and if you have Eternal Life, enjoy your Abundant Joyful Everlasting Life with childhood abandon. Guess what? The Best Christmas Ever will be that Day of Rejoicing for all believers when Jesus Christ comes back for us!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

iPod want...

I wanted the iPod Touch in the worse way. Could I justify getting one or was it just plain lust? If I got one, could I keep it as a tool or would it become an obsession? So I started to make a list. First glance it looks like I am stacking the deck with all pros but the negative looms large like a green monster hovering over my shoulder. I need a list of what I want so that this iPod serves my purpose and goal.

This past summer I finally got a faster internet so now the dream could happen. It is useless to have an iPod without wifi. I was feeling the pull even stronger. Interesting enough my parents where being lured in by the enticing Apple. Dad finally got tired of slow internet and bumped up to a higher speed. An Apple store opened up locally and we made the trip. I have been an Apple freak for 18 years and it was cool to see my pc parents engage the with the Apple products. Woohoo, it was like being let loose in a sweet and dark chocolate shop where you could sample to your hearts content. A few days later Dad gets Mom an early birthday gift of an iPod. Getting her set up was a nightmare and I reminded myself that it was from forgotten passwords and the new gmail password was acting up as well. Pretty sure that it wouldn't stop me.

Way before now my list was made. I listen to BBNradio.org for the great hymns and sermons. There are times when I am away and miss one of my favorite speakers. On Sundays especially I listen to Ravi Zacherias but he comes on when I need to be at Sunday School at the new church. It is much easier to download and listen to the the iPod than firing up the big iMac. Plus, I can't truly listen well when at the iMac. My eyes, ears, and mind are all over the place. I listen best when my hands are busy and the mind is free to focus on the message like when dish washing or even crocheting. Downloading to the Nano is too time consuming and by the time I would listen get to it, it would be old news. With Wifi and the iPod Touch this would fix it all right up. So what to do with the Nano? I can't just leave in crying in some dark desk drawer. I made plans to rip CDs to it monthly so it won't feel sooo lonely. I do like listening to music as I fall asleep or when trying to waking on a weekend and this brings about 7 plus CDs in a tiny space.

There are times when I have some radio difficulty and having the quick option of podcasts through the iPod Touch & Wifi makes quick work to carry and go in the all to short morning routine. That way I am not stuck to bad radio stations. Those days I can't get my BBNradio really wear me out spiritually. Anything to keep sane at work is a major plus.

I really like to write. I am a major thinker and writing is the best companion to an overworked mind. I see it as one long conversation with God. It is breathing in and exhaling. It is having things gel after a long think. It is seeking God and having Him clear things up. By the time the thoughts and meditations on the Word have gone through the long hallways of my mind and out through my fingers, I am amazed at where I am at. It is like crawling through a sewer and coming out into bright sunshine standing upright.

Now that you know how much I like to write, the question is 'will I be able to use the iPod Touch to write?' Is it going to be too awkward? Will I trip over my brain trying to touch the correct letters? Will I be to distracted by the other gadgets apps and fail at making writing a daily habit?

A deep voice from deep within shouts back that this is the perfect answer for those many moments where I wait like having the jeep serviced. Having a small handheld device would make quick work of writing, blogging, and tweeting. What about those nights right before bed when a genius thought enters the mind. No more laying there with the thought quickly fading away because I don't want to jump out of the warm comfy bed to fire up the iMac that I put to bed instead of asleep. Now this handy device muted for sleeping purposes is right there to touch pad my burning thoughts. No more excuses can be allowed for disappearing thoughts except for a wiggling temptress game app that might catch my glance as I turn into my note taking app.

I most secret love is to write out a poem because it usually comes from a broken heart and a poem mends those jagged edges. Having an iPod handy is like a bandage of healing right at my fingertips. It would be neat if I could make my own ibook where it is readable like the other ibooks but I think that is a dream. A pdf saved in ibooks comes out with tiny print and you have enlarge it to read it. Bummer.

If I can only keep from being distracted by the game and note taking apps! These are the potholes to my writing scheme. I do love how it makes life easier but oh so distracting too. Maybe the excitement will wane a bit and I can get myself under control. I could gush over the reading and the writing all day and into the night long!

There are some other features that I want to discuss. It has a speaker which is nice so one less thing to attach to it. However, it doesn't like to charge to your old but expensive ipod radios. You need an adapter. Bummer. Mom swears by the one I got for her that plugs into the wall so that you aren't always firing up the computer to charge it up. She says it only takes an hour to charge her pod up where it takes me on the computer or other device 2 to 3 hours. I will have to time her adapter! My inquiring mind wants to know.

I love my iMac dictionary and was hoping the iPod would have the same feature. It doesn't it but it is smart and once you get the hang of the help it provides, you can touch pad as quick as you can type and with correct spelling. However, it is a dance you and you have to learn your partner's move or it you send 'gobbly- gook' or like my Mom says 'afraid I send off cuss words!' You can master it if you are willing not to get mad at it first.

I love the Facetime feature. However, it is a weird too. At the beginning I would just laugh because it me it was funny. It makes me nervous too because they can SEE you. That is too wacky! I also love the chat feature. Meebo was what I chose for Mom to make it easier for her to communicate through her Facebook and email all in one place. I use Meebo too. It is easier to have one chat program than all the different apps. Plus, you have to make it easy for your parents to engage in the experience or they will just throw it out.

What that is my list and I must stick to it. An iPod must work for me and my goals. It cannot become an idol of wasted time....

my thank yous '10

*food allergies* This is my fourth year with the knowledge of where my severe headaches come from. With the elimination of these nasty food bits from my diet, not only am I free from head pain I eat healthy too. Before I think my sugar would fluctuate and I don't have those feelings of needing some sugar. Sure, it is a pain at times when dealing with people but I honestly don't miss much. In fact the sweets are kind of sickening when I think about them. *the Bible believing Baptist church that I am now attending* Wow, what a relief to be at a church where I know God's Word is preached and taught. I was beginning to worry about the state of churches in America but I know there is still a small remnant left and one is just the down the street for me to attend and to give back in. *family* I am thankful for Mom. She is a best friend too. She is always there and we have fun. I am thankful for my Dad. He is a thinker and has Wisdom. He is my covering and go to guy when I have to do guy things like taking care of the jeep. I am proud of my brothers. I love the girls who married them and for the little ones they are raising. Plus, for new life in Jaelyn who will arrive in March. I love my pups - all three hairy boys. Bobby, Andy, and Tink are sooooo adorable and very animated. They love wiggling their tails and demanding cookies from Sity (me) when I come over. They love to sit and sleep on Sunday afternoons. They miss it and get naughty when they can' have that time. God's Love Letter to me* I love His Word and it keeps me. *God working through my quiet and shy personality to guide me* I went to the wrong place to ask about fixing the exhaust on my Jeep. The guy was frustrating me and was left clueless what to do. I was there to get the tires pumped and asked the question. I was fuming while waiting for the tires to expand. I thought I was doing the right thing and even prayed about it because I was just a girl asking a grown up boy question about fixing my Jeep. It is way out of my comfort zone. I decided I would leave and not pursue it. I did have another option but I was mad because I had asked God to help me feel safe and get good answers. I had dealt with this guy before and didn't care for his style. I later had to come back to God and say thank You for taking care of me. Dad said I went to the wrong place! Whew. God made me mad so I won't do the wrong thing! ink, ink stamps, & paper punches* I love making cards even how simple I make them. They just add a special touch and I can use them over and over. I am visual and this is my new candy! Love. Love. Love. *my Mac* I have love the Mac for 18 years. It is beautiful and easy to love. I have been able to share it with my Dad this year because he is a gadget freak and is loving the Apple's iPad. He doesn't have one yet. He has been a hard sell. Too pricey he thinks but not so when you see the longevity of the product. An Apple store opened up a few towns over and it was fun to see my parents engage with the Apple toys. Tooooo cool. I have been working on Mom's emails, facebook, and iPod. Using their computer to get these fixed and connected is pure torture. Yikes, give me my Apple and I am a happy camper.

food & games ...

I was invited by the singles at church to a get together on the 12th of November. There would be food and games. I didn't have to bring anything. I knew I would go but that doesn't mean I didn't fret the whole week. I tried to sing hymns to get it out of my focus. I prayed. I didn't talk too much about it to Mom or Dad. They don't get it. In fact no one seems to get it.

Why would I be worked up? It wasn't about shyness rather it is about the 36 food allergies I carry around like a wet paper-sack treating to break at any moment. I haven't even traveled yet with these 36 food gremlins. I haven't even tested at a friend's stay over. I did test it this summer with Jill who was back from Germany. I just told her that I needed a restaurant that had American food so I could pick at it. While eating I showed her the list. She was great and she told me she was eating more healthy to keep the cholesterol down so she wouldn't have to take meds especially in a foreign land. She took it in stride. My own family tries (Mom tries) but they struggle with it. You can't begin to imagine it because you don't live it. So until you traveled down my journey, you just don't get it. Little Bro says he couldn't do it. You do when you want relief!

I didn't say anything while the girls were asking because they came at me like a group of friendly geese. I tend to work better one on one. So do I show up late and miss the food? That seemed to get more deep glares so I would go at the appointed time and hope that they didn't make to much of it.

Scurried home after work. Ate my supper. Called Mom about the turkey. Got ready. Dress to warmly! Minutes to six I headed out because the house we were going to was super close. I went over there and only a truck sat in the brightly lit drive way. I went around that neighbor twice. There had to be more cars because I didn't know the girl or her brother to well. I needed at least one of the two friendly faces before I could do this. I went back home and waited five minutes. It was already five after. So my second trip over more cars where there. Good thing because I told God if there were no more cars I was going back home and staying.

The girl's house is beauuuuuutiful!!!!! She loves roosters and geese but what was a real wow was that she had the whole collection of these 60's dishes in white and pink. My mom has three bowls in white and baby teal. I wanted to really take them out and look at them and hear the story of how she got them. Where they handed down? Or was she a collector? Hmm, story-time! I resisted the temptation because these dishes where in the kitchen where all the food was. Maybe later.

I couldn't eat any of the food which to me was great because I didn't want some of the food to ok and others not. My allergies extend to what I can drink or not drink. The only thing I can drink is coffee but I hate coffee so I only drink water. I do drink fruit juices that have no sugar or sweetener added. Got to be a label reader. Cola is out too. Coke, salad, corn casserole, garlic bread, and lasagna were the menu. Interestedly, the girl who made the corn casserole listed the ingredients out loud with no one asking. That was brilliant! I grabbed the cup with my name on it and went to the tap for some water and went to set out in the livingroom. It wasn't a set at the table kind of thing so I think that helped too. Questions did come up but I kept it simple and they let it go at that. They seemed to understand. I was gratefully relieved.

We played Apples to Apples. It is an ok game but I really come out in games like pictionary. I did show my true colors once. Well, the card was sensual and they asked who said handcuffs! I do have a cheeky side if you must know! Plus, it was the only card that fit. {wink} Ok, I did have honeymoon but handcuffs were just way better. There is a couple that comes to this and they brought their little girl. I think she is about one or so. She was great entertainment. She has a grump look that she carries around when the no is mentioned. She even warmed up to me. I got be cheeky with her too without her puckering up in a cry! She was in charge of carrying the cards to everyone. So this was a very slow game! She got in it so much that we all had a stash of cards for her to carry around. Well, I gave her one but pulled back a bit. She played along like a real champ! I like this group. I plan on trying to fit in and be apart of this group.

The next one in December is a college basketball game with pizza afterwards. This is one will be a challenge. Not sure how I would do that .. leave after the game? Take my own food? I probably won't go but because December is a crazy with birthdays....

The Next Three Days

Since I only write about movies I really like, you can already guess I will rate this pretty high - a 9 to be exact. With Russell Crowe being the lead, I can bank on a thoughtful story being told. This did not disappoint. It is an adventurous love story. It cannot be labeled as a chick flick because of the nail biting adventure but it is what this girl likes in a love story.

So answer this question: What would you do if your spouse is accused of murder? To top it off all the evidence points to her. You are sure of her innocence. You know her. She is not capable of murder. What would you do?

This movie gives you one answer. His wife is convicted and put behind bars but this does not stop him. She can't deal with so she attempts suicide and this just fuels his fire. At one prison visit his wife says she did it. (Here is my favorite part.). He looks straight into her eyes and tells her he will never ever believe that she did it. The movie shows you the hard decision of how much you are willing to do for love. Not love's first meeting but rather how you are willing to do for love that has history and a lived in feeling. Are you willing to kill for you love? Are you willing to get dirty? Are you willing to go forward without ever looking back? Mmmm, this is real love. All good stuff!

I loved how well this movie was written and played out. I love patterns which is all the math you will get out me! This movie was crafted around the power of three. Note the title and the flashes within the movie. Another little piece of interest is that the guy who played Russell Crowe's brother looks very similar making you think he is a real brother! Tell me if I am right! I like the relationship between father and son. It is strained and awkward for whatever reason but you see a father understand his son better what the son could ask for. So these are tidbits but help make the movie.

I did say this movie posed a question. I love questions and I love to flesh out an answer. So how would I answer this question? No, rather how should I answer this question. Even though I would profess deep love and would anything to preserve it, I love God more. If falsely accused and even though I would want to do as Russell Crowe, I would have to be wrongly accused and bear the punishment given with Godly love and joyful countenance. (II Cor 1:8-11)

**language & violence

church membership...

With the applications in for church membership, it would be any moment know. So on Sunday, October 31st they asked to meet with us after church. The nerves began to rattle. I promise that I was listening to the sermon but I had to jot down a few notes to keep my heart still. Then it was time to give our testimonies. I get the Bobby-shakes and was trying to control them by putting my feet firmly down on the ground and my spine firmly into the back of the chair. Oh, you want to know what the Bobby-shakes are? Well, we have three fox terriers. Bobby is one who gets super nervous and starts to shake and twirl. Well, besides trying to control my shakes and not twirling {wicked wink}, I was trying to master my voice while being totally honest. That doesn't work when I tell of my journey with God. Tears stole into my voice but their was no leakage. I get a bit feisty when my heart betrays me by making my eyes tear up. Even though I am finally ok about being single and knowing that it is God's gift to me, I find it such a betrayal that I get so emotional like I am lying. I just wanted it soooo badly - the marriage thing, the husband thing, the wife thing - I had to give it up. I had pry my grubby fingers open and keep them open. It has been quite painful - so painful that it brings it all of it back and I cannot control it. Well, that is the backdrop. What comes next was so out of character that I know it was God saying this is ok and this is the church for me.

One of the deacons who by the front cover was friendly and outgoing put me at ease by saying that he could tell that I was sensitive. The rest sort of blurred out except that he mentioned his wife was a sensitive type too. I could tell that I was in a safe place. This church was going to be alright.

That night this same friendly deacon had an order of business to present to the church. He introduced us as an 'adorable' family and recommended that we be excepted as members of the church. Hands went very quickly and there we were members. The pastors thought it funny that we were called adorable. Then reported that we would get the 'right hand of fellowship' the next Sunday. Oh dear! Not good! That means we have to get up in front of the whole church!!! I leaned over and told Mom that she is conveniently was working that Sunday. Then the pastor said it was time to handshake. Wow! There was a lot of very friendly smiles and hand pumping coming our way. I have been to friendly churches but this one tops all the others.

November 7th dawns like a day that can't make up its mind whether it wants to be cold or warm. My body works on two different temperatures like a living in one time zone and working in another. My hands are cold and very cold especially outside or still. My heart and armpits are warm and very warm especially if I am on edge which for this shy girl can be quite a lot so knowing what to wear that will be comfortable and fitting is like a mental time bomb that is ticking down. I have made a personal decision to wear a more natural deodorant that works but not as well as others might in high sweat zone so tight fitting sleeves especially for the armpits was out. Everything had to be loose and warm enough but not to boiling. So with my selection that was down. Check on the potato sack! {wink}

It was the first thing of the morning service. Dad and I walked up there. The pastor talked to Dad said some things and shook his hand. Then it was my turn. What he said to me wasn't what I expected and again I smiled inwardly as I knew it was God saying everything is all right. He said this church is here for me. He did follow it up by what I knew was important that they would be looking forward to what I would give back. I really needed a safe place. I haven't had a church to ever be that safe place for me. So I am looking forward to this. I do want to serve but more in my quiet ways. Churches have become more and more out there where I feel like an outcast. I am an introvert and I need to love God quietly and to serve quietly. I think I will be able to do it here. I know I have gone backwards when it comes to soft and quiet. I have a lot of broken places in my heart when it comes to relationships and to church. These wounds I carry just might close up and heal now!

Well, what came next was a bit wild. The pastor then said to the congregation to shake hands with us. He wanted to see how many of them could shake our hands as we went back to our seats. That was a lot of hands and smiles and warm wishes. It blew my mind! Dad being a bit cheeky told Mom that the next Sunday it would be her turn. Too funny. It got Mom a going. She didn't have to.

The next Sunday we had mailboxes and certificate of membership. Wild, but I do feel at home and welcomed.

so quiet is wrong?

We are loving the new church because it is a Bible believing church. It is amazing to be so happy every Sunday! It isn't just me, I can feel it coming from Mom & Dad too. We have been going since July and Dad is already wanting to join. So reading over the application and requirements, I got really upset to tears....

What was my Spiritual Gift? I was in a panic! Here I know myself forward, backwards, inside out, top to bottom and I don't know what part of the body of Christ I am? Not only was there panic but there was anger. The reason I know soooo much about myself that it is scary is because I am soooo quiet. Now being a QUIET means that something is wrong with you. So ever since junior high I have been trying to FIX myself. I thought cheerleading would make me louder. Well, I am glad I never got the nerve to try that. I tried out for a college play because I was in a play in junior high and maybe I could do it again. What did they ask of me? Yell so they can here in the back of the little theater. Well, I did. Surprised them but I didn't get the part. After college I poured over every reasonable self help book on marriage, personalities, etc. Since 2003 God broke me of the habit of self help and showed me God-Help. Through all my searching, I have stirred up quite a bit of heat over feeling inferior or the need to change my quiet ways.

Well, I was livid with hot tears pouring out my eyes. Once again here I was crying before bed. I did not want my spiritual gift to be nursery duty or Sunday school teaching. I made a hysterical txt to my little bro. "Your gift is encouragement. See if they have a card ministry. Your cards are great." I wanted to dance on my chair but I was at work and you know, quiet is my normal. I made a call to Mom later in the week and she came through with "God created you quiet. They cannot go against the Creator." This registered Eric Liddell's famous line "God made me fast" Again I wanted to dance on my desk this time but I was at work and you know, quiet is my normal.

So I am dragging out my very big soap box here on llj and lugging out the mammoth speakers turning the volume to deafening.
God made me quiet. God made me creative. God made me word smart and picture smart. God gave me the love language of words just like King David! God made me sensitive. God gave me an insatiable desire to learn. God made me a great listener. God made me interested in others. God made me a great wing-man. God made me an encourager. God also gave me fire. Don't dare to change that quiet in me. Nothing is wrong with me. God made me quiet.

Well, it looks like this is a place to take a breath and pause. I am not done. Surprise, Surprise! Look for another post...

I am a mixed personality but I was so gung-ho on the part I understood and really didn't pay attention to the quieter side until now. God has been stirring up things lately. The 'melancholy' side is curious. More later....

Oh, are you wondering why I got soooo huffy at the beginning of this post? The pastor is a dominant personality. It worries the quiet me. The melancholy side is getting hot and protective. The passive side has had enough after soooo many years of being a wing-man with no returns and a lot of leavers when I did finally spoke up. I am glad the pastor is a strong personality preaching the Word. That is his job. Just wanting others to except my job as a quiet sensitive encourager .... I know a lot of wind without substance. However, I have made my statement now to not backing down... ok more later!!!

strengthen by Him ...

Another believer died last Friday morning from pancreatic cancer. She is a wife and grandmother. Her husband is a big man but this is rocking him to the core. His tummy jiggles as the tears well up and his lip quivers. I have been praying hard that he finds Jesus Christ as the reason to get out of bed each day....

I am going back to II Timothy 4 for more encouragement. "At my first answer no man stood with me, but all men forsook me: I pray God that is may not be laid to their charge. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that the message might be preached fully through me, and that all the Gentiles might hear. Also I was delivered out of the mouth of the lion. And the Lord will deliver me from every evil work and preserve me for His Heavenly Kingdom. To Him be Glory forever and ever. Amen!" (verses 16-18) I saw this through one sick in bed but as these dear loved ones go into the Arms of Jesus, you have to see these verses through the ones left behind. If they can go on with the hearts ripped out but stand strengthened by the Great Comforter, what a message is being preached through the their songs over the storms.

I have been focusing a lot on cancer and carry through it. I am wore out. I have found myself thanking the Lord for the best gift ever - everlasting life. I am sooooo grateful that I have a God who loves me and will never leave me at my defenses. God stands with me and strengthens me!!!!! Now that is pretty AWESOME!

a Race or a Battle?

How to die from cancer or some prolonged death has been twirling around in my mind of late. (My prayer list has too many with cancer...) It is often said 'I am going to beat this thing' or 'She lost her battle with cancer.' As a believer I shutter at these words and I began to question why this wasn't sitting right with me.

In Ephesians 6:10-18 it tells us to put on the full armor of God. Why? To make a stand against the devil's schemes. This is the battle not cancer. The battle is about good vs. evil. Everlasting Life vs. everlasting death. It about keeping our faith sure and strong. No wavering. For our battle is not against flesh and blood! Doesn't this mean our battle is not against sickness or death? Cancer is a beast and so very unforgiving. We feeble humans fight cancer with poison! How whacked out is that? I just want rip at my heart and scream on the top of lungs... that is how much I feel about this.

I always need a picture to deal with life's hardships and how I am to behave as a believer. So if cancer isn't the battle what is it? and how do I deal with it victoriously? I see it like in II Timothy 4:6-8. Cancer should be a race. Well, to clarify it even more, life is a race. Cancer would be a bend or the steep incline or a chapter in the race. It is not how fast but it about the endurance. It is seeing yourself running and there in the stands are others who have endure the what you have gone through. There are family members and friends who are praying for you and holding you before God. These are the witnesses like Isaiah 43:12 talks about. ("You are My witnesses," declares the Lord "that I AM God.") I like looking up into those stands because others have endured bring Glory to God and so can I. I also have ones that are coming behind me. I must be a good witness for them. (I use this in my singleness too.) I don't focus on the stands rather that is in side vision because my focus is on the finish line where my Lord and Master is waiting with outstretched BARE Arms to welcome me. Ah, what a bear hug that will be. I smile and if there are tears it is tears of JOY. Yes, I sorrow because I am stuck here with all those human feelings of loss but I have the promise of EVERLASTING LIFE. I am all good!!!!

Paul says "For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the Crown of Righteous, which the Lord, the Righteous Judge, will reward to me on that day- and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for His Appearing." ~II Timothy 4:6-8 AMEN!!!!

We have two frontlines as a believer. The battle of faith and the race of life. I feel we must keep a clear perspective of both and not mix up the sickness as the battle. Our battle is against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil .... anything that would rob us of living purely and strongly for God.

No matter what you think or even if you think a bit off my rocker, the battle is the Lord's and He is the Strong Man. Here is another picture I love... 'How can anyone enter a strong man's house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can rob his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters.' Matt 12:29-30 See Jesus Christ is my Strong Man. I send Him to the door. I know I am safe with Him..... I will not be tied up. I will run free straight into His Arms. Praise Yahweh.....

gift of mercy ...

Yikes, another believer from my childhood is nearing this life's finishing line with the same kind of cancer that Cathy died of ... pancreatic cancer. This cancer is a beast. This believer is a grandma with kids my age. Her husband is a big man but this is too much for him. His lower lip and belly quiver with grief. He does not want to let go. My heart goes out to them.

God is trying to teach something as I am trying to grasp it. I went up to see Cathy in a spur of the moment and wasn't sure what to expect. I felt awkward because Cathy was a very tired and drugged up coming back from surgery but I did come away with a better since of how to pray for the family. Praying is something I can do when all else fails me. Then I heard Chuck Swindoll talk a little about the gift of mercy and then in my Bible reading I went through Job.

What grabbed my ears when Swindoll talked about the gift of mercy was that it is displayed in someone when they are quiet and with out words at a sick bedside or a death bed. Now some people have that gift naturally but I think all believers should practice this gift. What I have going for me is that I am naturally quiet and even if I have words, I don't say them because I am very shy. What I don't have going for me is that I feel awkward and feel like a heal for not being able to put others at ease. It doesn't mean my mind is blank. It is going a mile a minute especially leading up to the moment. So maybe God is teaching me how to use my quiet for mercy...

I remember a conversation with a dear one about Job. We agreed that Job was difficult. I left it that the best part was where God is speaking at the end. That was then and this is now. So what is the purpose of Job? Job is a good read when you are sick or dying because he goes into great detail about how his body looks and how horrible he feels. You are not alone. Someone else knows just how you feel physically and even asks what you want to ask emotionally. Job is a good read if you are a friend because you know what NOT to say! Just keep your mouth shut! Job is a good read if you are a spouse and you are experiencing the second hand stress of how your spouse is hurting and you don't know what to do. Be the support and don't tell them to curse God and die. Job is not a book that stands alone. There are other passages that help us in our pain. We are richer for what Job went through but I still have questions .... which is good because my learning isn't done.

Job's misery was not due to sin. Job didn't cause his loss of family or health. You could say it was satan's doing but the real truth is that God allowed this because He knew Job and knew Job would come through this without cursing Him. So why was Job wrong? Job got a real lecture from God in the end. Yes, some of it went to his friends but God really got in Job's face. Wasn't Job just asking why (I know asking why is a huge no-no) and want to hear God? Job was simply tired of hearing silence from the God he worshipped and loved. Aren't we to make our requests to God? Doesn't David ask God in his psalms? I may still struggle with this I still hold to NOT asking why and to always sing above the storm. Praise is beautiful and God inhabits the Praise of His people. I am must trust and obey for there is no other way ...

So back to mercy... there will always be questions .... but it is a waste of time to keep harping on them. It is much better to be still, talk back God's Word for our hearts, and to sing above the storm. The battle is the Lord's. All we have to do is run our race and at the end God's Loving Arms will greet us and hold us up......

books & plants = {God Hug}

September the 4th was a perfect fall day like the ones you find in early October. The sky was a beautiful cornflower blue with fluffy white clouds that hung low enough that you felt you could actually touch them if you jumped really high. The fields of corn was already turning that dry harvest yellow way too soon from the super hot dry summer. The sun was bright. There was a slight breeze. We were traveling from home to the my college town for a funeral of a woman just eight years older than me. She belongs in my childhood memory. I remember her and her sisters and the farm house they lived in and their black and white bull dogs, Moses and Sarah. It is a good memory. I just learned of her dominion two weeks prior - her husband, her kids. I knew her race was completed and she was in the Arms of Jesus. Her wasting way had turned into a renewed beauty in total reflection of her Creator. Yet the tears were on the edges of this day. My heart was going out to the family.

I feel that a believer's funeral should be a celebration. That is what they are doing on the other side of the river! However our joy is laced with a bit of sorrow. It was a the church's gym to handle the size. The local football team showed up in their football jerseys and black dress pants to support her youngest son who is a senior at the local high school. The back wall was covered with colorful homemade cards made from her students. The kids spoke about their dear mother and about the things they would miss. There were other choice speakers who colored in her life and gave you snap shots of her journey. I began to see her as someone who didn't want the limelight and also knew how to make others feel comfortable. I saw that our lives could have been parallel but I found my life pretty lacking. I'm not the teacher I should have been. I'm not married like I would have wanted. I have no hubby or kids so my life doesn't revolve around anyone but myself. I know I should not have even compared my life to hers but I have an earth ending here and will have to be accountable to my life. I came away a bit crushed.

With my afternoon I went off to my favorite haunt the local thrift shop. I found two books that were on my want list and I was excited because it was so unexpected. Then I went to a home store to look for a string of pearls plant. I had checked back in the spring and I really didn't think I would find it. After looking and looking all over the succulent selection, I found a very tiny plant of peas. So I scooped it up with her sister string of bananas. However, string of pearls really had no root system and the dirt was bad dirt because it would get this white mold or film on the top when you watered. Well, it died and I got my money back. The string of bananas are doing great!!!! At the end of the day, I felt God was saying 'hey, you are still loved. You want to do and be better. Go for it but I love you."

Wow. My Heavenly Father knows just what I need and I didn't even ask. I was just crushed and He was there to heal. Now I can look at my life and see what I need to do without comparing. I have a story and yes, it needs some revision. I can get crack'en

It has been a while since I have blogged and I really wanted to get this out before I ventured elsewhere. I didn't want to over look His simple presence. It might seem silly that books and plants would speak but how often do we go about our business without listening ....

green peas & green bananas ...

Remember me sharing my frustration that my philodendron given my grandparents now gone being stolen from where it rested in front of my door for about 10 years now? This plant is a plant that schooled me on what it needed and when. It drupes when it needs water. It allowed me to cut it and even get starts from the cuttings. I have the baby at work but I wanted a plant at home. Instead of using a cutting from the baby, I got one at the supermarket. Some reason the leaves are turning yellow and I have NOT over watered. In fact I probably have under watered. There isn't much plant to begin with and I am down to 2 yellowing leaves and one that probably will turn yellow on me tomorrow. I watered it and put it closer to the sun. I just might end up with a naked plant!!!!

So what do I do today? I went over to Lowe's to see if they had "string of pearls". I looked earlier in the season and was disappointed. Today I was looking and looking. A store employee asked is he could help and he was quiet like he was thinking and I misread him. I went on to describe the plant. He was kind and new what I was talking about. He did go back to the greenhouse to see if he had one back there. I continued to look at all the different succulents that they did have. Guess what? I happened to spy a "string of pearls" sitting right up front! It was the only one and very few 'peas' but no matter! I want. I got! The man came back stating they had no "string of pearls" but they had a lot of the 'string of bananas". I asked him if that was what the other plants were called. Yup. He continued to stand there as I continued to look..... then he moseyed on off. I was unsure of of his presence after I paid and took my two plants to my jeep, I hoped that I didn't offend his intelligence when I was describing what I was looking for. My heart felt like skipping in a little jig but I controlled myself as I didn't want to dump the dirt. Ok, I will be truthful, I didn't want to embarrass myself. Thinking back now, I should pulled on my dancing shoes anyway!

I remember in my childhood that my Mom had a "string of pearls" plant. It looks like peas and I loved it. Funny, how growing up brings out the nostalgia! So I brought home a bit of old and a bit of new. I made new homes for them. The bananas had a lot of roots and is 'stringing' over the side of the pot. The peas really had no roots and seem to just sit together on the top of the soil. I am worried they won't grow and thrive in my home. The peas are verrrrrry green and the bananas are a lesser green. Sooooo maybe these sisters are less alike than like.

I am being adventurous with my green thumb skills. Philodendron, ivy, bamboo, string of pearls, and string of bananas fill my houseplant family to the brim ..... oh, I do have two plants in a pot out on my doorstep that I don't know the names of but they are looking beautiful after loosing leaves during the winter. I highly doubt my that I have skills with plants. They are more like teaching me what they like or dislike. Now all I have to do is listen!!!!

My Savior 1st of All ...

Psalm 17:15
As for me,
I will behold Thy Face in Righteousness:
I shall be satisfied, when I awake, with Thy Likeness.

My Savior First of All
When my lifework is ended, and I cross the swelling tide,
When the bright and glorious morning I shall see;
I shall know my Redeemer when I reach the other side,
And His smile will be the first to welcome me.

Refrain:
I shall know Him, I shall know Him,
And redeemed by His side I shall stand,
I shall know Him, I shall know Him,
By the print of the nails in His hand.

Oh, the soul-thrilling rapture when I view His blessed face,
And the luster of His kindly beaming eye;
How my full heart will praise Him for the mercy, love and grace,
That prepare for me a mansion in the sky.

Oh, the dear ones in glory, how they beckon me to come,
And our parting at the river I recall;
To the sweet vales of Eden they will sing my welcome home;
But I long to meet my Savior first of all.

Through the gates to the city in a robe of spotless white,
He will lead me where no tears will ever fall;
In the glad song of ages I shall mingle with delight;
But I long to meet my Savior first of all.
~ Francis J Crosby 1894