flower looms ...

I didn’t think I could do it!!! I was fighting the urge to keep instead of the original plan to give away.  I took it this simple desire to God…. I wanted to the right thing…

 

I went to the local thrift shop and I scouted out the craft area looking for flower looms for the girl at work.  I have some modern day flower looms of my own and have dabbled in them and really want to do more on these looms.  I have some patterns for flower looms that I showed crafty girl at work and she fell in love with the idea of making them as hair clips and even for hemp wrist bands that she dabbles in.   She also loves old things and the modern flower looms can be a bit high in price.  So finding flowers looms at the thrift shop would be just perfect.  I didn’t think I would be so fortunate to find them but I would look anyways.  What do I see before my sparking eyes did appear?   Not just one but two different sizes of round flower looms.  One is a double loom which gives you the option of three different sizes of flowers.  Then to top it off with a cherry was the double square flower loom!  She is leaning for the circle loom but one must have a square one too!  The price is the kicker and the reason I had a funny urge to keep these flower looms for myself instead of the original plan to give them to her.  The circle flowers looms were .70 cents.  The square one with other tidbits came to .75 cents.  These cheap prices are unheard of!  Oh dear!

 

I told God about my feelings and asked for help to do the right thing.  I have my own flower looms.  I do not need more but the pennies I paid made the find so much richer for me.  Well, what would I do?

 

I already had a gift of painted glass for her with some odds-and-ins she needed for her craft habit.  I wasn’t going to add the flower looms in that gift until I scouted out what she found in her own search over the weekend.  Well, when she came down to express her thanks for the glass, she brought up the flower looms and I found she hadn’t found anything so enter in me actually showing her what I found.  She was excited and when I heard that little notion of her giving them back, I said oh, that is for you, a gift! 

 

I did it!!!! …. I gave her the flower looms!!!!  It feels good to give and that notion of keeping them will pass.  Now will I keep looking for flower looms in thrift shops and be disappointed….. or maybe I can still be thrilled by it again…. But nothing happens twice the same way….

 

I am very happy though because she is too.

the Last Song ... part two

Well, the movie was NOT as good as the movie. I thought Nicholas Sparks (author) wrote the book/movie together or something but the story line in the movie failed to keep it straight.

The book had stronger and deeper emotions between the father and the daughter which made it pull hard your heartstrings. There was a ton of discord over the piano and the movie never got close to the anger pent up in the daughter. The divorce between the parents was exposed at the end which showed how the father covered for her mother taking all the grief when it was not his fault. Then there is the the friendship between the father and the paster that never made the movie. The Bible reading never made it either.

... I could go on and on...

What frustrates me as a writer-want-a-be and very much a visual learner is why can't movies be more like the books especially with good authors? Movies have a way of touching me that books fail to because I have a hard time imagining yet in a bizarre way, I actually visualize my story or my poem before I can put it to words. It has to go together. To be a good author I would think they are being 'movie directors' with their stories to make a good book. I was not happy about this movie because the book was so much better.

Mom didn't read the book and thought is was good but when she heard me grumble she said she is going to have to read the book....

bummer....

the Last Song ...

I read Nicholas Sparks because he rips out your heart every time but in "The Last Song" he more than rips out your heart. I swear this book made me cry more than all his other books combined. Supposedly, he wrote this book from the movie or at the same time, so I am expecting the movie to follow the book pretty closely. I can't wait to see the baby turtles and the stain glass window!!!!!

For the young girl this is a story about a summer love. For the grown woman it is a story of a girl growing up and her father's love and admiration for her. I believe that a young girl will have to read it again as she journeys into womanhood. It holds a treasure that will take on a different reflection depending on where you are at in your own journey. I am a keeper. I am a sensitive. I treasure moments in my heart. This book challenges you to double check your relationships and not to take any one of them for grant.

A father wants his kids to come down south to his house for the summer. Enters a grumpy girl of 18 who hasn't talked to her father for 3 years and her kid brother who is soooo funny and a bit wise. Dad teaches his son how to make a stained glass window for the church and dad stops playing the piano just to make his daughter happy. But the girl spends a lot of time away. If you know Nicholas Sparks, you pick up on the dark looming on the horizon. Note: Mr. Sparks writes about real life. This will not be wrapped up neatly in a bow and a box. He does leave you with possibles of love continuing... {smiles}

Threaded though out is the father's search of the Presence of God. Nicholas Sparks only touches on faith as a character trait but never fleshes faith out in the fullest. With every book I try to decide what he is up to and sadly, I don't think he fully knows the Salvation and vibrant life in Jesus Christ. This book he was sooooo close and I physically ached for him to get it right. I do appreciate greatly that the father's choice of reading was the Bible. The father notices that his pastor friend always comes back from walking along the beach with a peaceful face like he was in the Presence of God. The father wants this and searches for it and finally realizes it is in every moment.

I feel very strongly that we miss out on so much because we are continually searching for the next big thing in our lives that we miss out on the enjoyment of the moment. We rush and rush and fail to stop and take it in. It is more than just saying thank you but rather it is stopping and celebrating what God has done for you at the moment.

I love my Dad and yet I know there is more I can do with my relationship with him. I already know this and yet this book was poking me in the chest with raised eyebrows and tapping feet..... ok, ok!!!!

Well, talk about father movies out there! You have'Remember Me' and 'The Last Song' that really make you think about fathers and how to be better in your relationships. You can loose them at anytime. Life doesn't let you keep them forever present. Don't go through life on the surface. Breath deep and take it all in width and depth. Don't be afraid of being hurt. Scars are proof of triumph!!!!!!!

twilight ...

The niece has read the Twilight series and I asked some questions but they could have been better questions.  The questions are for me to understand the power these books have over girls and to see the thought process of my niece.  An aunt has the ability to be a Watchman over the kids in a different way than parents.  {I am still learning!}

 

I remember back to my college English professor and a discussion we had over literature and how to deal with our Christian beliefs and values in a secular world.  I do believe I am going to have to break down and read the Twilight series and forget the notion that ‘what you read is what you are’.  (It feels like going grocery shopping and having people make their assumptions by what you buy.)  Argh!

 

The author was having trouble sleeping and had young.  From a dream came this vivid scene, where Edward reveals to Bella his true nature.  It was so powerful that she had to finish the story.  She was obsessed and would be up all hours writing.  It was an escape for her.

 

I can’t help but notice the draw it has on the girls especially.  Just from the first movie, I could feel the draw.  Even if there is nothing dark and evil, it is a good way to talk to my niece about girl boy relationships. 

 

Maybe it is nothing but when the niece said that she often thinks about the story and feels like she is Bella, I believe I need to see if I can dig into my niece’s world a bit to make sure she doesn’t lose sight of the Sure Foundation.  :::Note to self::: Must do it in a real cool aunt kind of way! 

 

 

Remember Me ..

I am going to have to rate this movie a very high 10 even though there is sick violence, sex, bad words, and a very dirty apartment and bathroom. This movie is a very mature movie. Sadly, it is the immature that need this wake up call.

I am a very sensitive person and all my life I have had to deal with not having friends when I was a little girl and then as a teen and an adult, having friends up and leave. This movie dealt very strongly with how we treat people, what we have to offer to others, and then when loss occurs, what happens and what we should do to counter that loss.

The review I had heard about this movie was that it has reference to September 11th and that it was just over the top for the message it was conveying to the point that it was offensive. (wish I could remember the exact words used) This review wasn't adding up to the previews but I was a bit concerned. Well, it wasn't offensive. It was unexpected but being super sensitive about relationships and the loss, the use of 911 was very appropriate. However, I still don't think the message will get through to some if not most.

The movie was very respectful about the 911 scene. You did not see it but you know just what happened. That needs to be commended. Yes, this is a bit dark but in the end the father finally turns around and the son is happy. The lesson is learned and changes are happening.

My mom stayed awake through it because she was in rapt attention. I think her favorite part about the movie was the relationship between the brother and his sister. They are about 6 years apart (reflective of my mom and her brother). Why wouldn't this brother be protective and endearing towards his younger sister after having lost an older brother about 6 years older than him? He had a role model. This young man is a sensitive sort and he is trying to make sense of his loss and acts out because his family especially his father just doesn't seem to get it.

I could go on and on ... I am a thinker and an English Major to boot. I totally dig the deep stuff and I could go round and round pulling juicy gems out and looking at them against the lamp.

I feel strongly that believers will be judged on the relationships kept, discarded, lost, and ignored. I know I have some relationships in my past that I am ashamed of my actions or inaction..... I feel helpless sometimes. I hold on so tightly when I have a real good one .... while at other times I just let them fade ....

{Above his photo is the quote 'Scars are proof of triumph. Let the wounded Jesus Christ bless and heal your wounds.' Now tucked in the lower part of the frame is the movie ticket stub ... Remember me.... does he think of me? Scars still are tender and always will be ...

"Fingers don't fade from the people we touch."
~ Remember Me
-----

Wow! I am really charged by this movie. It feels good to make the decision to not let the bosses bad mood effect me. Life is way to short!

You could watch this movie and see no hope but as a believer I know a Sure Foundation. I know the Way, the Truth, and the Light. It is time to spread it. Hear this hymn on the radio and thought it perfect...

Turn your eyes on Jesus

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Refrain

left my suitcase in Brizzy...

I learned today that ‘to leave your suitcase Berlin’ is a German expression for having emotional and heart ties to a certain place.  I like this expression for I have left my heart in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia.   No I have never visited the place but I got to know someone from there and if I should be so fortunate to travel Downunder I would have to go to Brisbane.  The tourist haunts would most definitely come second to this town and community.  I want to soak up the ambiance of the place for pieces of my heart are on a different shore …

 

Today blogs help me to do some virtual travel and my suitcase over there gets bigger and bigger!  Funny how Brizzy has become my town in my own crazy way.  Forget the Sydney Harbor for I would rather visit the Finder Keeper Markets, RiverFire fireworks, Ekka … etc.  I would also have to check out every day life and just the every day stores because I want that experience and not just the show you get if you are a tourist.  Silly, I know but I want to visit their Target and their Aldi’s!  Sure I would mind to dip my toe in the ocean there but I did say I wanted an everyday experience didn’t I?

 

{sighs & smiles}

giving up why ...

I have been ignored and deserted.  “The lot is casted into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.” (prov 16:33)  Knowing WHY he left will NOT heal up the wounds I have been carrying because I have left it up to a human.  Only the wounded Jesus Christ will bless and heal up all my wounds.  ‘Scars are the proof of triumph.’ (Pastor Lutzer)  Time to give up knowing why.

give me more beauty!!!

I confess I have a fetish for anything beautiful. I treasure beautiful words and beautiful pictures the most. I am getting real bad about this!

I can't stand the co-workers continual storytelling. Her storytelling is usually about something bad. I can't stand old grumpy people either where everything is bad. I can't stand the continual news drainage on all day and night tv. (my ears had to deal with a grumpy couple and news tv for four hours while waiting for my jeep) I just want to pluck my brains and eardrums out through the nose with a tweezer! I tried to read God's Word but there was sooooo much noise (I can't stand unnecessary noise! never have. never will!) and the wait was soooo long, that it was verrrrrry hard. I even tried to come up with thank You's but that was impossible. It didn't help that I was getting a headache.

It was good to fill my eyes on beautiful pictures in the magazines at the stores. I love the visual feast. The afternoon of shopping gave way for thanking God for some good things for the day.

I have a problem with the negatives. I used to be in that place and don't want to go back. Sometimes it can be a real fight. Now that I am most HA free and have a handle on God's JOY, why waste my time on the negatives? That isn't me anymore. It isn't a habit I will return to but it is more like a food allergy. I know what makes me sick so I avoid it.

love yourself by reading the Word ...

A request came for a painted suggestion box plus an invitation to a Bible study. This invitation came at the right time and I went. I don't ever think I will find a church in today's climate. Maybe unconventional is more my style. I am shy but I just did this without thinking so as to not over think! When I walked in I felt like I was the odd person out like always but I am going to stick this one out. I want this. I need an avenue outward.

The topic was about 'Loving You'. As I looked around and took in the message, I wondered if the fellow woman where coming up empty. Their baskets are full - the have husbands and kids but maybe they are coming drained of all they are. Here I am with my empty basket - no hubs, no kids. All my energy and focus has been spent on me. It could look selfish but I have been making myself toe the line. I am a seeker, a keeper, and a learner. I may be a slow learner but none the less, I am always moving even if it is tiny steps. Woman are suppose to have a lot of words and I suppose I do but it is more inwards. Hmmm, if you were a mouse in my house you would say I was talking to myself which I do but I am doing a lot of vocal talking to God. (Blogging helps use up my words!) The short of it is that I don't think I have a problem of loving myself. Now I am not confident of my looks or myself at times. My relationship with my hair is a love hate one. So where did I end up loving myself?

I wasn't loving myself for a very long time. In the teen years I was trying to have a cheerleader's personality because everyone seemed to think shy is bad. (Wish I could tell them a think or two now!) In the 20's I was trying to be a lovable girl that some man would want. I was studying up on having a good marriage, on how to be a good wife etc. In my 30's God began to show me all about JoY and I gave up on self help books. (They are a sin.) Self help is really thumbing your nose at God and saying you can do it yourself. My 30's had a lot of growing pains but here is where I began to seek ways of putting God's Word in my life by putting special verses on 3x5's so I could mediate on them. Then I was reading a chapter of Proverbs according to the number of the day. And last May I began to read the Bible chronologically through.

'Loving You' isn't about loving myself. It is about loving God. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to love God madly and deeply but now that I have, I am excited and ready to keep this passion on fire and hot. I desire to love Him more and more. It has every thing to do with reading His Word. I can't get enough. Interesting enough the by product is loving myself. I am not perfect and I have a long way to go. I have bad moments and bad days which I fight back by digging into the Word like a soldier digs a trench for protection.

The message at the Bible study made me realize where I am in my life. I have come a ways. I have a long ways to go too. Even though I don't have hubs or ankle biters to mold me, God has cultivated me. I take great comfort in that! Taking my eyes off the message and looking around at the other girls, I am looking forward to new relationships and new encouragement adventures that God has in store ....

journey vs. life sentence ...

Dear Heavenly Father,
As I pray for others and their requests, I have begun to see their struggles as a journey rather than a life sentence. Now if I only would see my own struggles and frustrations as a journey then might Your Light and Joy shine through? A hearty yes, I should say! A journey isn't so bad because once you see it as an adventure with You it makes it exciting rather than bearable! Thank You for the Journeys!!!! As said so well in Deut. 31:8 'You the Lord goes before me and will be with me; You will never leave me nor forsake me.' I will do as You command: I will not be afraid. I will not be discouraged.
always your daughter

Winter Olympics Vancouver 2010

1. loved the olympians marching in and seeing the colorful outfits
2. loved the how the Canadians included every Canadian with the flame and opening ceremony
3. interesting how many Canadians there are imbedded in the US!
4. British Columbia Vancouver 'Come Visit' ads!
5. loved how the floor and the 3D mountain became screens in the opening ceremony
6. loved Wayne Gretzky lighting the flame
7. unique flame!
8. 1st indoor opening for Winter Olympics
9. U.S. 4-man bobsled team wins gold; first since 1948
Steve Holcomb and his "Night Train" squad takes USA to gold
10. Twitter Lists allows you to get closer to the Olympians
11. Chad Hendricks is a Christian
12. loving the snowboard half pipe! so dangerous
13. know Louie Vito from Dancing with the Stars
14. totally love the snowboards red, white, and blue plaid hooded jacket! want one!!!!!
15. learned about Kevin Pearce - hit his head in December in snowboard training run & is recovering
16. liking the 4 person snowboard race... not sure what is was called....
17. always love hockey but goalie Ryan Miller was the topping!!!
18. missing the Winter Olympics but am getting more sleep!

bread bubbles ...

What echoes in my mind when people say something negative to me about me like my hair or when people say something negative about others and harps on it like it is the only string left is “Love builds up.  Knowledge puffs up.” (I Cor. 8:1)  Yesterday I got home with my brain ringing over all the tearing down words I endured.  I am a quiet person and I don’t know how to tell them to shut up.  I feel very chained and deflated.  It takes a lot of hard work to clean out my mental space and to think on things above.  I’ve been singing songs and praying for others just to shut out the noise.  This morning I wrote this verse down on paper and what does my visual side do?  It started to picture this verse.

 

The ‘pea under my mattress’ was knowledge.  Knowledge is suppose to be a good thing.  Proverbs is all about getting Wisdom and Understanding.  I deeply feel this knowledge is different than Proverbs’ Wisdom and Understanding.  I see this knowledge as that juicy morsel about someone that you use and twist as a dagger in their back whether face to face or to others.  Ok, ready for my paraphrase of this verse?

 

Love builds up like brick - strong and fit.

Juicy morsels puffs up like bread bubbles that pop.

 

That is what came to mind and it might need some work but it is definitely something to think about when juicy morsels are on our lips…. Are we building up or popping others?  And maybe when we feel that all we have is popped bread bubbles all over our hearts and brains that to remember we are truly valued and loved in our Heavenly Father’s Hands.

victory in scars?

Last night I was struggling with an old festering wound.  It is about loss and I don’t want to totally give this up.  I don’t want to burn old pictures or letters.  I don’t want to toss old magazines or even the socks.  I don’t want to give up the habits of holding on that I have been doing for the last five years.  I hate late night tears and they were coming.  So I just left my grief at His Feet and turned away to sleep.

 

This morning I was minding my own business and singing to God when Pastor Luzter came on the radio speaking of wounds.  Just what I needed so I jotted down the searing words.  This will be part of my ‘talk back’ so that maybe this wound I hold will heal and I can walk upright again.

 

“Some people never let their wounds heal.

Scars are proof of VICTORY.

Let the wounded Jesus Christ bless and heal your wounds.”

~ Pastor Luzter

Wisdom is a she ...

It stuck me when reading Proverbs 3 that Wisdom is described as she.  The command is that man should get Wisdom not possessions.  A man’s job is to provide and to protect which is a ‘me power’ instead of a God-Power. Possessions show how well he can protect and provide.  So getting Wisdom goes against the grain of man.  Let’s go back to the command.  It says to embrace Wisdom.  Here the picture of a man embracing his woman pops up in my visual mind.  This getting Wisdom should be a love affair!  I have heard from a good marriage where the man describes his wife as the life and the joy and the reason for living.  Proverbs 3 describes Wisdom in these words as well!!!!!  Also take note that God embraces Wisdom as He created the world in 6 days.  The male persona is all about doing and action.  God embracing Wisdom as He created is a perfect example of we are to do.  Man is to embrace Wisdom and then act.  True Wisdom and True Knowledge only comes by seeking her in God’s Word.  Think of this as being married to Wisdom and having a deep and meaningful relationship with her.  Wisdom as a female will tend to your needs.  She will keep you.  She will serve you well.  Wisdom has the best for you.  She welcomes you always. 

 

Wow! Isn’t God such a grand Author?  Ahh, Author and Finisher of our faith….

for the love of skates ...

As a child I never knew that the modern day Olympics existed until 1992. It was the year after college and with the movie Cutting Edge I was hooked on ice skating and hockey. Paul Wylie was my favorite skater because he was good and because he is a christian. It was a time when the skaters told stories with the music. It seemed I loved artistry of ice skating but I also loved the mental game of hockey as done well by Wayne Gretzky.

Today I don't have a favorite ice skater. It is harder to follow because it like the new scoring system took out the story telling and now it is about the jumps and the moves. I must say that with the Winter Olympics you do get to hear the back stories but I still haven't fallen for any of them. I have disliked greatly a certain mind set coming out of Russia. What bad sportsmanship. But what do expect from Puten. Then there are those countries that put way too much pressure on their athletes. I was so sad as I watched the girl figure skaters get their metals. South Korean winning gold was cool. Canadian winning bronze after her mother died was tearful joy as your heart was happy yet felt deeply for her. But then I really felt heart broken of the Japan winning silver as she really wanted the gold because of her country's pressure on her. Did she truly get to enjoy the moment or was she mad at herself? Grrrr... Then there are skaters who are way to flamboyant where it is about them and not about their sport.... So I have settled into the pair skating and especially the ice dancing. Amid the jumps and spins they can tell a story more easily even if it is the most simplest story of give and take between two people. Funny thing about influence.... last weekend my parents were commenting on they have no interest in any of the skaters. They said that I had no enthusiasm in the new skaters.....

Wellllll, I do have an interest with a skater. He isn't an ice skater nor a hockey player rather he is a speed skater. Yes, it is Apolo Ohno. Short track speed skating is a very wild sport and 'unfair' is the nature of the sport! It is like a demolition derby and horse racing together. It about crashes and who is taken out and who is left standing. Apolo's joy and let be attitude attracts me to the sport and he has made this sport popular. If this is his last year, like ice skating I might turn fickle and lose interest. Funny how it is the peeps that make the sport or break a sport for me.

Ok, today is the day. Gold metal round for hockey. Not wearing much red today. It is about the blue! I am sorry but big brother Canada does not own the rights! (I know I should live in Minnesota!) I think USA boys are young and have a lot of heart going into this. I am hoping to watch the game this afternoon as I go over to the parents.

single girl's questions ...

With fire set to the God-Ordained Marriage in these ‘last days’, wouldn’t a good God-Fearing married couple be a great witness to those demeaned it?

Shouldn’t God-Ordained Marriage be the living out of the true essence of Love as written in I Corinthians 13?

 

If marriage is what I call the last frontier in witnessing because it should reflect the God-Ordained Love given between a man and woman, then wouldn’t being a delightful Christian single living purely be the flip side of the last frontier in witnessing?  By answering this question with a firm yes gives purpose to living  this single life (even if it isn’t desired) with purity and joy.  I personally need to have a purpose and a value to my living or my doing.  Maybe now I can settle into being single a bit better and not feel so duplicitous in my desire for marriage and having to be single…  Maybe I can let go of the marriage desire …

 

If God molds us in a marriage, wouldn’t He be able to mold me without a marriage?  Wouldn’t He alone be able to cultivate my life?  Shouldn’t I trust He doesn’t need a man to mold or cultivate my life?  Shouldn’t I see this singlehood as His Plan and go with it like riding a bike with no hands?  His Control and not mine or man’s?  Yes, I should rest comfortably with that and stop my silly striving……!!!

chief with his knives ...

I hate confrontation of any kind because I become a molten melted mess inside.  The verse in Proverbs where it says ‘iron sharpens iron’ is a bit scary but I have pictures that help me be ok with the understanding.  Think of a master chef sharpening his knives.  He knows exactly how much sharpening to do.  He knows best. This is a comforting thought for me.  I like how my Master and King sharpens and cultivates me.  He knows best and gives good gifts.  An opposite picture would be like a big train braking and the wheels shoot sparks on the rails.  Not so good.  Good for stopping a speeding train but maybe not so good for the brakes or rails.  I’m not sure that is a excellent picture of a contrast to sharpening… How about using kitchen shears for cutting the plastic packaging from some electronic gismo?  Yeah, that really dulls the scissors.  You know, sharpening nor dulling feels good at the moment but sharpening makes you better and dulling just makes you a zombie ….… just a thought ….

harmonize vs. contrast

I wrote out a poem last week about a broken relationship I have.  I can’t repair it nor understand it from his point of view because he hasn’t shared it nor can I ask.  He is gone.  So here I am left with a wound.  I have looked at it from all sides like a jeweler examining a diamond and its worth.  We were two misfits that didn’t feel like misfits when we were together.  Five years later I see the contrast and it looms large.  I am a keeper and he is a leaver (even knew this about him within our friendship).  I know in relationships there are same things and different things in each of us that make us one together but when you discover a contrast that cannot mix…. I would call this a UTB (unable to breathe) moment.  I just cannot accept someone who is a leaver because it is not what I am about.   It doesn’t jive with me.  This is a major life struggle from little girlhood.   I believe without any doubt that when we get to Heaven that God is going to ask us about the people in our lives that we have discarded, ignored, or passed over.  (There are only two things here on this earth that are Eternal – God’s Word & people. ~ Swindoll) This weighs on me greatly.  I may be a keeper but I am also a loner not by choice.  I guess the nugget I am tossing around comes harmonize vs. contrast. What mixes & what doesn’t…..

 

Harmonize = blend pleasingly

Contrast = marked difference

 

Master Healer ...

I have some prayer burdens where there is loss of a loved one.  As I wrap them in prayer, I wonder at the gapping wound they are carrying.  I know that time doesn’t heal wounds and it is something you should never say.  So I have secretly prayed that that the Heavenly Father would smooth out the rough edges and that the pain they feel will one day be covered in precious memories they can enjoy and keep.  Yes, they will have a tear behind the smile but the wound gets better.  However, there are wounds that don’t heal or maybe wound isn’t allowed to heal…. I like having a Sure Foundation underlying my prayers which means I like to use the Bible as a reminder to me and to God about His Power.  I know God keeps our tears in a bottle as said in Psalms 56:8 but I wanted confirmation about healing up wounds cause by losing a loved one.  I happened upon a verse that I especially feel encouraged about.  Psalms 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds.”  This gives me peace.  Our broken hearts are healed in His Hands and those Patient Hands tenderly clean and bind up the wounds.  Interesting that He just doesn’t touch the wound but lets it heal under His Care.  This is a reminder to reflect the Healer when you are a tangible shoulder and ear for someone processing loss.  I whisper this verse as a prayer…. reminding myself that He will carry our grief and heal are broken hearts…

keeping the mind ...

How do I become successful at having a good weekend mentally and accomplish a lot?  Accomplishing everything on my list insures that my mental being is intact and up beat.  You know that feeling where you have extra energy to do those mundane things and you don’t feel it!  However, I sabotage myself because I filled my list to the top and then expect to check them off like the second hand of a clock clicking the seconds.  Then I am left in the evening hours of Sunday beating myself up and dreading the rat race that comes the next day knowing that I got nothing to show for my own endeavors.  So HOW…..? 

 

Make no list?  Limit the list to 3 items?  Make the list of all the things I accomplished on Sunday evening?  Celebrate every small victory?  Instead of the whole just focus on the smaller steps? 

 

Well, I am pretty sure I cannot go without a list!  I am still holding on to the fact that goals need to be set and a list is a way to set out to get those goals accomplished.  I am going to look at the smaller parts and celebrate them.  I am going to make sure that my hands are not idle but always hooking or knitting or creating or writing.  When Sunday evening, I am going to sigh a happy sigh filled with that energy to set about a new week a new creature.  I hope I am not just repeating a cycle.  I kind of feel this way every Friday but if I get stuck here then I am doomed.  {sticking fingers in my ears, squeezing eyes shut, humming loudly} 

 

I must say that God says to stop striving.  I have come to realize that this is a side effect and liability for a tenacious keeper like me.  {sighs} Well, I am going to attempt again to be kind to myself.  ß Maybe that should be my biggest to do!

knotted up ...

A project and a pattern have been pestering my heart.  I wanted a white furry yarn to make this particular Amigurumi.  I must say that I am still learning and there is no Lion Brand store here where I can go in and make swatch from the prospect yarns.  In fact I thought that being able to go in and make up a swatch was just a fancy notion.  However, I have changed thoughts and see how it just might have aided me.

 

I picked up this soft white yarn.  I thought it would make nice fur and it would be soft to cuddle.  What I didn’t look at or even think about was how thin this yarn is and the flick of silver is not good when I am a tight ‘stitcher’.  As I started out I was getting hung up on the silver threads and my hook would catch.  I finally got the head finished and because I don’t like to attach parts, I moved to what I thought was the neck and onto the body.  Nearing completion I looked back and didn’t like some holes that formed in the decreases and then I realize the neck was really the butt.  So I undid the project back to the neck …. but the yarn did not play nice.  It twisted and knotted.  In frustration the scissors came out and yarns were cut.  Good thing yarn is soft so that nothing breaks when you throw it…. {smiles}

 

I tried again using another white thin yarn that I had with the furry yarn but I counted wrong and yes, I had to undo.  Yes, I had another tangled knot and yes, after wasting a couple hours the scissors came out and yes, yarns were cut.  Yes, I threw the yarn to the ground several times. 

 

So I am back to my favorite Caron white yarn and this soft yarn to make a snowball to gauge if I will go this route or not.  I upped the hook size too.  It is hooking better.  It will make this Ami bigger.  It isn’t softer but more firm … not liking that!  I just might forgo the soft yarn altogether and stick to Caron white yarn. Oh my woes…..

 

A side effect to my addiction of Amigurumi is that I MUST have something created within a day or three.  It is a fix that makes me unexplainably happy.  It is a rush of bubbly heat when the face comes to be.  It gives me a fire to keep going and wallow in broken dreams.  So having nothing to show for my work for six days is causing a deflation in my mood.  I think tonight calls for whipping up some small quick cute and adorable whales.  Love them whales!  Easy to make and easy to give away!  Perfect fix!!! {smiles}

 

heart reverberation ...

“A sound heart

is life

to the body… “

~proverbs 14:30

 

Sound heart?  What could this mean as I look at the weight room of life?  As I stood there pondering, my eye caught certain sufficient heaps to work my heart into shape – heavy heaps like resonance, timbre, character, quality, tone, reverberation, significance, meaning, & importance.  Quietly from recent ‘learnings’ that God has been working out in my life, the question to ‘what is sound?’ whispered around me.  Smiling because I know this answer, I whisper back ‘God is the only thing sound, a Firm Foundation.  God Alone can being character, quality, tone, meaning, & importance into my heart making the timbre, tone, & resonance significant and reverberate outwards like harmony to His Melody….. So here I am in God’s weight room knowing that through sweat & tears a tender toned heart will bring life to this body ….

purpose of snow days...

I have a notion that winter and especially snow days are God's ways of saying, 'Hey, slow down and enjoy the beauty and warmth of family.' I got to have a blizzard when I was 10ish. It was seven days of going nowhere but digging out. We had a plastic red snow brick maker and we had a nice fort going on with the help of Mother Nature. I do remember that we as a family of four set out on foot to get to the local grocery store to get some food. It was nice to have everyone home and sheltered together. It was safe!

These days I when snows come, I hope for maybe having a blizzard again for seven days! Might not be such a good idea living alone or that much fun either. But I still think I could fill the days with things to keep occupied. When I still would want to have electricity and heat....!!!

So when I hear authorities saying, "Oh, we will have everything up and running by Monday." I just shake my head. Enjoy the time. Digging out is hard labor and let it shake up the fast pace out of control days. Slow it down and enjoy the creature comforts of home. But we are talking about Easterners who don't get the snow like we do here.... but even here there now is a rush to always get back to normal...

Ahhh, the good old days...!

dear john ...

"That was a weird ending," said the lady next to me in the theater. When caught off guard, I usually just smile and let it go. Then this thought kicked in that Mr. Nicholas Sparks errors on the side that life doesn't come in neat little packages. Besides the movie ending isn't the book ending. He doesn't get the girl.

This story is a love story and like all his books, you will cry. The movie gave a smidgen of hope that the two would end up together in the end but not so with the book.

The book has stuck with me because this is about the pain of rejection and not holding on when distance is part of the relationship. Love was given up without a fight. Oh, I know what that is!!!

Not sure this is a date movie. Maybe just see it with the girls or even alone like me. I rate this movie a 8.9 ... keeping to the book would have been much better....

Here are a few words from the book:
"In any marriage, there's room for only two people."

"... I finally understood what true love really meant. .... love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."

These are found in the epilogue.

the headache ...

The biggest question I get is how I can eat the way I do. I have 36 food allergies which includes wheat and sugar so there goes the baked goods. Don't forget the chocolate which is the hardest for me to totally give up. Everything else I can totally do without. It has been tough on my family and I think it is very difficult for my father who loves cooking and flavor. (I have a sneaky suspicion that it is harder for guys in general to understand unless they have a food allergy themselves. it has been said to the way to a guy's heart is through their stomachs.)

Here is my feeble attempt to bottle up the fierce headache so you might get a glimpse of what it is like:
It usually begins in between the eyebrows or over the eye. The eyes are sensitive like they are swelling. Today it made my eyes very sleepy. All I wanted to do was to keep the eyes shut. Then there is a line from the middle of the eyebrows straight down to the stomach and you feel woozy. There is a slight chance you might just up-chuck (kinda like carsick but not in a moving vehicle!). The brain doesn't want to function and so thinking straight isn't happening. All you want is for the pain to stop NOW. You take aspirin but even if it finally cuts the searing pain the after effects are still there. It is like every pore on your head is swollen and even the ear ducts feel swollen. (Swollen pain like a busted lip kind of pain.) I never had a hangover but I think this has got to be pretty close. I don't think it is like a migraine but similar. So just take an aspirin and eat your chocolate isn't going to cut it. The other thing that surprises people even me is that the minute I eat a bad food, I still feel fine. It takes 24 hours for the food allergen to get into the blood stream and kill cells which is what the allergy is doing. No I don't swell up like people do with peanuts and it might not be life threatening but don't ask me in the middle of a major head pounding because it feels like dying would be a good thing to kill this pain. There is the hot cold thing that happens to your body too. When it finally eases up, you feel small and weak.

What a day and my head still isn't back to normal .... wondering what was in the seasoning for the wonderful chicken Dad made for Sunday lunch ....

36 food allergies & cc: headaches

He covers what I lack ...

I have pet words and then I have words that I use and know but don't know deep down. 'Grace' is one of those words. So indulge me a bit here as I flesh it out a bit.

'Grace' means God covers what I lack. I never stop with just Grace because with it I say the definition as well. Saying it comforts me. It is a quiet covering Strength that carries very burden and let the heart breath free.

This week a co-worker had to take time off for a loved one was in need of hospital care and it took an extra day. I had to cover for her Wednesday afternoon and then had to work late on Thursday to cover her work. I had planned to take off early as that is my errand day and it makes for a very long evening and a very hungry tummy. I wanted to help out but it still eats away when you plans fall through and you feel hurt because everyone else is taking their sweet time and all you want to do is get your own business done. Home is where you want to run to. Then I thought how lacking I am in the grace department. I am not alone either. It is a great comfort to know that my Heavenly Father never grumbles over covering my falterings and shortcomings.

Bezalel & Oholiab ...

"The the Lord said to Moses, 'See, I have chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability, and knowledge in all kinds of crafts, - to make artistic designs for work of gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood, and to engage in all kinds of craftsmanship. Moreover, I have appointed Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, to help him. Also I have given skill to all the craftsmen to make everything I have commanded you: the Tent of Meeting, the ark of the Testimony with the atonement cover on it, and all the other furnishings of the tent - the table and its articles, the pure god lampstand and all its accessories, the altar of incense, the alter of burnt offering and all its utensils, the basin with its stand - and also all the woven garments both the scared garments for Aaron the priest and the garments for his sons when they serve as priests, and the anointing oil and fragrant incense for the Holy Place. They are to make them just as I commanded you.' ~ Exodus 31:1-11 ( to read more here Ex 36:2-7)

Oh this passage makes me soooooo excited because being very crafty myself it brings me great Joy to have God put special importance on the crafts of the hands. What ability to be ordained to do that many mediums of crafts!!! - from wood, stone, weaving, and sewing ....etc.... I also find it precious to these names are obscure. It gives me hope and a smile as I go about crafting and giving that craft away.... I always knew that God gave us passions that the world needs and for us to give but to have this spelled out just makes me giddy....

cold hands - hot heart ...

Oh boy! I need to redo my body so that my hands are where my arm pits are and the arm pits are where my hands should be. Why you ask? I have severely cold hands and the hottest heart around and it seems to be getting worse or that I am getting more frustrated with it. My hands are in severe pain by the time I reach work even with my hand double decked in mittens. Here is the kicker... get me all frustrated or nervous and instantly the heart over heats and the cheeks burn but all the hot blood has left my hands a frigid cold. I find that the clothes are more concentrated around the heart area and less clothing for lower arms and lower legs and feet. I guess I could go walking around with my hands in my pits but then very little work would be done.

I make a mean Winter bed or so I thought until I changed the bed sheets this morning. I have concentrated the bedding for my feet with a short wool blanket to keep them toes toasty. However, when this ice cube gets into bed, I have fallen asleep before I notice that my heart is overheating in sweat! I once again have tweaked the bedding situation to where moved the blankets down and away from my heart. My heart is at its coldest when jumping into bed. I tend to snuggle way under so you can't see me at all. I do behave and pull back the covers so I can breath but now I am going to have to kick off the top blankets so that my heart doesn't make me sweat. The good thing about bed covers is that my feet and hands are happy and warm. {sighs}

Ok, I know! Go ahead and snicker at me! {smiles}

the desert road ...

"When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt. So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea." Exodus 13:17-22

Oh dear, how many times to I weep and wail about how much time it seems to take for me to get along in my journey or to learn a lesson. It could be the longer winding is better suited to my strength building. There will be battles to face but just maybe it isn't for today because I am not ready. God trains my arms for war and builds my strength upon strength. I have learned that from the Psalms. Just why is it easy to be let the eyes slip focus from the Pillar of God's Glory and Mighty Works? Do I want to roam the desert for 40 years? Noooooo.... so let me follow my Heavenly Father the scenic route is just fine with me. I will rejoice!

Extraordinary Measures ...

This movie tops the charts. Rating would be a 10. Do not think of this movie like you would 'Lorenzo's Oil' where it was a tear infested movie & hope came to late. This movie is very upbeat & the two children especially the little girl with Pompe Syndrome are fighters. Yes, I had some tears but you were in the movie fighting with the doctor and the father as time was ticking away to find something to keep the children alive.

My mother stayed awake and that is saying something. Good thing the theater was huge and we sat in the back! We were quite vocal because it felt like cheering on the home team. This is a most go see. There is some language as the doctor is a crusty eccentric man.

A little note from an English person....
There is this study of four enzymes that they color coded so there would be an equal look at which enzyme was ready to go. The color codes where yellow, green, blue, and magenta. Megs wanted her medicine to be pink and during the movie I kept telling Mom that Dr. Stonewall's enzyme was magenta the closest to pink! Well, you never find out but in my world it is so!

my wedding song ...

I love my visual brain! I have been thinking about the hymn "Be Thou my Vision" and there I am in a white wedding dress and veil. The isle is long and tall because I am feeling quite small. But there He is, my Groom, at the alter dress in white. He turns and the flash of His welcoming smile makes me flutter but His warm eyes make me feel safe. Then He reaches His arms for me and I see His nail pierced hands. My heart bubbles up because those hands meant that I WAS CHOSEN AND HE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME! He is my Vision, Lord of my heart!!!!
Amen!

love stinks ... teehee

I have a real hard time with Paul when he admonishes the singles to stay single. I think because he seems quite happy to be single and I am not. I think because I have always felt like a misfit and seem to always go against the peer pressure. It just seems that marriage is a place where you can finally breath without looking over your shoulder. So I rather like what Jesus has to say on 'singlehood' in Matthew. It feels more kind and encompasses more singles than those who have no desire for marriage.

Matthew 19:12
For there are eunuchs
who were born thus,
from their mother's womb,
& there are eunuchs
who were made eunuchs by men,
& there are eunuchs
who have made themselves eunuchs
for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake.
He who is able to accept it,
let him accept it.

Well, 40 has brought on me needing to accept singlehood. It is one of the hardest things to do with so many hazards out there sabotaging my every thought. I was going along with my life and my Amigurumi addiction was keeping me level and functioning then I get asked 'if I was married' and 'if I liked boys or not' at a family Christmas function. Then later I get this call if I would like to go on a blind date. This person was well meaning and it was harmless but man, did it send my thoughts in a wild frenzy and I had some low points last week. BTW I said no to a blind date. Good grief! {take deep breath}

I love BNN {worldwide Christian radio} that has great hymns and pastors. With it comes a lot of marriage tidbits and help that I really dig. But after taking stock of my life, I have spent 20 years studying marriage, what a wife is, and what makes boys tick because I wanted to have the best marriage and be the best wife I could be. Now it gets me because singles need help. If a good marriage is a mission field for all those out there with bad ones then being single should be a mission field for all the singles messing around or are walking wounded. Elizabeth Elliot said "our disappointments are God's appointments." This is a good boost for a thought I have been nursing for the past months. Something along the lines of Singlehood Survival .... of course I am not main stream so maybe my survival kit wouldn't help others. If I create this dream and it only helps me to be full joy and vibrant than it is worth it. I know vague on the dream but people like to rain on my parade and fail to shush and truly listen.

Oh, I have thought of a retort for those pesky questions on my marital status and it is Biblical! It is good for those 'talk backs' I need to pack myself when the heart starts to bleed and the mind goes into downward spiral and the tears heave. I might not quote all the verse as it just might blood to boil but parts of it still packs some heat....

Marriage is honorable ...
be content with such things as you have.
For Jesus Himself has said,
"I will never leave you nor forsake you."
So we may boldly say:
"The Lord is my Helper;
I will not fear.
What can man do to me?"
~ Hebrews 13:4-6

If I really need to shut someone up, I would quote all of it but this saids a lot right here. It certainly shuts me up! I do get a killer wicked grin on my face and I get my mind back and the bleeding stops and the tears recede. I am sure I will have dark episodes and that I would be out the woods on this but I have my footing back and I will keep fortifying myself with His Love Letter.

Robin Hood Relief ...

I woke to the idea of huge planes that can fit automobiles & buses in its belly forgoing any governmental hoopla and red tape landing in open green fields with hordes of personal with tons of aid pouring from the guts of these aircrafts to help and serve the Haitians to ease the hurt and hunger. A vision of an 'aid invade' like now and then they would pull out once all the governments got their acts together. Think Robin Hood!

disclaimer:
If you can't tell tears over the nightly news of Haiti's hurt and hungry are causing hallucinations.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
You will revive me.
Psalms 138:1

punishment or just schooling?

Hebrews 12:7-11
7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You can think of the hardships as you messing up and in need of correction. Sure that happens but sometimes there are times when I am just struggling and I haven't done wrong. Then I had a thought! I have a bit of teacher in me and I lovvvvvvve learning. So lets think about it as schooling. You wouldn't send your kid just for kindergarden and first grade and then yank him out. It would be consider horrible! There is soooo much out there like reading and math that you kid needs to survive!

So my Heavenly Father & Master Teacher 'discipline' is more like schooling and let me tell you I did horrible with the math. It was hard and my brain is more of a creative free spirit. The hardship wasn't because I did wrong but because it seemed unnatural to me. I needed to learn it.Because the learning was hard, I can say without a doubt that when I finally get it - IT IS MINE to keep! With my love for words, you often will find me making a simple word formula out of something I want to keep in a throw back to math formulas.

Not all bad, huh?

Be Thou my Vision ...

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

written by by Eleanor H. Hull
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you notice that your life has a theme? that you are learning the same thing over and over? that what you are learning is like a spiral upwards where you may be learning the same thing but it is building up each other? I have and when I come to a low point in my life, I have a momentary lapse where I have forgotten everything I learned. I get sooooo mad at myself because I it took me forever to learn these lessons God has given me, I don't want to repeat the learning.

Of late I have lost my Joy that took forever to get. I must turn my eyes back on Jesus and His Word. I must not lose myself in the mud wallow. I am not a pig but rather a chosen people. I must get my act together and remember to enter into His Courts with praise.

Be Thou my Vision, my one True Love.

Here is to a Joyfilled 2010!!!

monthly thoughts of 2009

Jan: Romanced by an Everlasting Love - Jer 31:3
Feb: Faithful & True - Rev 19:11
Mar: StrongMan - Matthew 12:29
Apr: Sovereign
May: Provider - JEHOVAH-JIREH = the Lord shall provide
Jun: Perfect Love - 1 John 4:18
Jul: my Shepherd - Ps 23
Aug: Shield & Defender
Sep: Love that will not let me go - ♫ O Love ♫
Oct: First & Last - Isa 44:6
Nov: Fullness of Joy - Ps 16:11
Dec: Gift Giver

This year's theme was about God's romance for me and I found that His Names are like pet names or love names. I was hoping to focus all my love desires on Jesus so I wouldn't be so mucked up with being single. I have spent about twenty five years studying how to be a good wife, have a good marriage, and figuring out the male species. I have come up empty handed. Now if I find myself still single at 80 and some little old man wants to sweep me off my feet and marry me, FORGET IT. Nada. Never. If you couldn't make me a honest woman when I was young and I spent all my days fending for myself, you don't get me. I know that is the future and I really don't know how I will feel but here at 40, I am feeling both. I want companionship but I am so sick of what I am finding that no I don't want to get married.

Why is it that I am a responsible woman cleaning up my life and working out my issues and GROWING when a man seems to think that he can be a couch potato in full out hibernation till hell freezes over when it comes to his relationships and his spiritual life? Look, I cannot nor will I try to change a man but to sit back and see that a man zonk out, run away, or shut out issues that bite him on the nose is ludicrous! Give it up to the Heavenly Father already! Man cannot change himself but to runaway isn't working. Seek God and He will always be there. I know, the soapbox is out and I am shouting away. A raving mad old maid here. Laugh away. Low point here. {sighs} Just a question that has boiled over and is burning the bottom of the pot.

I think I need to stay here and focus on my romance with my Heavenly Father as my heart is broken and scarred. It still needs the Hands of the Master Physician to heal up my wounds. I did not feel this way all year. Crochet amigurumies has insulated my heart but for some reason it is huge right now. Maybe because someone tried to set me up and my heart went into attack mode. They had my well being in mind but even so it messed up the seemingly calm waters. So because I am having issues, 2010 is following 2009 with a Elizabeth Elliott's quote "Our disappointments are God appointments." I am seeking to use my disappointments for God. When I seek Him, He always find me.... saving me from myself!

fav hymns for 2009

* "I Know He Cares"
* "Under His Wing"
* "Sheltered in the Arms of God"
* "Darker the Night - Brighter the Light when I walk with Him"

wishes for 2010

to create a gift stash
I wish to start thinking and creating gifts now for my family and friends. There is no payoff for gift making that begins to hit crunch time. Christmas comes and goes too fast and I end up feeling badly. I also have a lot of birthdays towards the in end of the year too so I am putting my foot down. I have made some notes on some prospects on gift making already! I must be working always on a gift. When they are finished I am going to tab them with the name and the event. I am going to get a fabric cube to store these gifts that I can fold away when at Christmas. I will also work on a small stash of spur of the moment gifts where I can at a whim have a gift ready to give whenever I feel that urge. This spur of the moment gifts will be for my sister-in-law and for my mom to raid when they have that urge too. I have thought about Christmas teacher gifts my niece to give. I was able to put more thought in some of my gifts this year and would love to be more ahead on my gifts so that I can spend time on the wrap and presentation of them.

to keep creativity going
I have been like an addict when it came to creating Amigurumies and from my symptoms I want to put it to some of my other crafts. I love paper, cross stitch, fabric yo-yo's, loom knitting, and words. I want to marry all my crafts into one so that I am not lopsided! I also want to be more artsy with my craft and be able to present well. A gift well wrapped shows thought, love, and listening. I have made pom pom flowers and used sticks as stems. I want to polish this up with yo-yo flowers and butterflies etc. I want a unique vase of flowers on my desk that everyone wants!!!

to get back my kitchen table back & tame the glass
I have been struggling at keeping my table clear (on and around). I want the work space not only for writing or crafting but for what it is intended, cooking and eating!!! I want to invite my Mom over again for a bit of cuppa and cake. The cake part is a challenge too because it will have to have no sugar or flour and it might be fine for me but might not be sweet or tasty enough for others (worth a try). My glass has become a beast. I have recycled quite a bit of my glass to trim it down to just choice pieces to paint. It seems that even the small steps get me nowhere.

to write more
This was last year's wish and I did not get anywhere with it but wishing. I did read "Knit Together" which was a great boost of encouragement. I had an idea about a single girl's self help but I don't like self help. This idea is changing back to what I used to do, poetry. Sounds weird but in a world of fast maybe this is the right mode of transportation! We shall see....

to more more
This is going to be a constant wish because movement is good for any age. Crocheting is more sedentary and I don't want to lose out on weight lifting and walking. I have noticed in the past months that I was frantically working the hook because of upcoming events, I was sitting even on the weekends. I don' get out and walk in the cold but I need to get my stepper and my dvds out and movvvvvvvvvvve. Crocheting is just as great for the mind as walking but the body needs to be able to find its peace as well.

to allow 'my disappointments to be God's appointments'
For 2009 I wanted to allow God to romance me and to fear not my constant companion of aloneness and this year I want to continue with Elizabeth Elliot's quote "Our disappointments are God's appointments." To my amazement this crochet addiction I have has helped my mind and heart to stay above the issues of employment and of living this life as just me. The dark nagging voice is overpowered by the joy I found in creating little crochet toys and flowers. Turning 40 has also changed my thoughts about marriage. See I have studied and studied on how to be a good wife and to have a good marriage for two decades and for what really? I did not think I would feel what I am feeling at this age. Why get married now? I know I really didn't want kids of my own but I thought it would happen because that is what you do when you get of college and marry. Didn't happen. The choices I have are men who are dads already and that means baggage and I don't want that. What wholesome guy waited? Momma boys? and then what does that say about me....? Ok, shape up keeper!!!!! I felt that when I turned 60 these thoughts would come. Maybe by 60 I will be quite happy and very ok with the single life without still having that hunger for companionship. So here is to turning my disappointments into God's appointments!!!!

to have a faster internet at a decent fee ($20)
Hmmm, is this really a life changer wish? I waste so much time waiting for pages to load up. It takes me hours to file unemployment and downloads to upgrade my computer etc. Most nights all I can do is try to go through the mail because I am waiting to get in here to write. It takes forever to download my personal email and half the time it won't download. I don't get to do Shutterfly of Picnik because to upload and fix pixs is just a no go. Earthlink dsl is way to expensive compared to verizon but I just do not like verizon. So this year I will have to decide what to do .... free wireless coming anytime soon to this city??? I believe faster internet will help me to achieve more creativity and more writing... oh, iSlate would be nice too.....

firsts of 2009

*1st crochet piece - an Amigurumi cupcake
*1st loomed knit corkscrew scarf
*1st granny square mini Christmas stocking
*1st crochet paperclip ice skates
*1st crochet roses & other flowers - Mom likes them as pins
*1st homemade coconut ice cream no sugar
*1st crustless cheesecake no sugar
*1st homemade guacamole - don't like...

highlights of 2009

*was finally successful at my attempt to crochet!!! internet photos helped for this visual person!- jan 4th
*figured out the magic loop for crocheting Amigurumies - feb 16
*made lots of Amigurumies, pears, cherries, cupcakes, mouse, bears, kittens, monkeys etc
*work dumped lot of peeps including me .. lost my job in Accounts Payable - apr 24
*thought there would be a possibility to find a creative job but became swamped w/ unemployment
*little bro graduated from Grace with his Master's in counseling - may 9
*worked called me back for a costing job - may 26
*ate rotten food b/c I didn't realize the frig wasn't cooling. got a smokers frig for a temp but happy to have a clean fresh new one.
*got a bad sore throat - will not use muscinex ever again...
*love nutshellmail for keeping my emails and twitters organized.
*got google voice! Love having a number to use for long distance at least here in the states...
*with my unemployed weeks here in the fall was able to Niece sit when she was sick. learn some mommy instincts.
*upgraded to Snow Leopard
*vcr broke & have not been able to find a replacement w/ specs wanted
*got google wave - still need to learn to put it into use
*did my final craft show (said this the last time '07)- oct 10
*found out that the tooth pain is from a root that is so short it is close to the gum line! (cause by braces) - nov
*Mom & Dad got a new couch
*finally requested tire info b/c I am tired of low tire pressures
*got a nice new polaroid digital camera w/ 12 picixals to ease from film
*loomed knitted a corkscrew scarf - seems to be a real hit!

fav reads of 2009

*"Treasures of the Snow" by Patricia St. John (audio now must find book to read)

*"Knit Together" by Debbie Macomber (great encouragement for my desire to write)

* The Queensland Chronicles Series by Bonnie Leon
-- "The Heart of Thornton Creek"
-- "For the Love of the Land" (not available any more)
-- "When the Storm Breaks"
(wanted to read more about this particular place b/c when you know someone from there you find yourself needing more ...)

*"Chronicles of Naria" (still making my way through all his books)

fav tunes of 2009

*"Come Back to Me" by David Cook
*"Cry Me a River" by Michael Bublé (totally awesome beat!!!)
*Straight Through My Heart" by BSB
*"All of Your Life (You Need Love)" by BSB
*"Shattered" by BSB
*"A Snowflake Fell (And It Felt Like a Kiss)"

fav movies of 2009

* The Proposal
* Love Happens
* the Time Travel's Wife
* Accidental Husband
* The Blind Side *****best of show *****

Jesus Christ's gifts to me ...

My thoughts of late have been about gifts and because it is Jesus Christ birth here on earth, I have been thinking about the gifts He has given me. Odd for the One with the birthday to be the giver of gifts but 'tis true!

Jesus Christ's first and foremost gift is Salvation & Eternal Life but you know what? He saves me from myself every day! I can make a mess of things but He is always there with pure and right ways which gives me comfort and joy even if it looks like I walk alone from the outside looking in.

This year Jesus took away my AP job and after a month of me stewing around with unemployment woes, He gave me a job back in Costing. Sure, I don't like this job but I thank Him for it and try to do my best at focusing. My sister-in-law has been without a job for a year now! I've been without a job for a good bit of time back in '03 but not sure how I would have faired this time around. I could be frustrated but I am not. I am just taking it bit by bit. The next gift helps a great deal...

Jesus also gave me a crochet hook this year. I could not have figured it out without Him. I want to make Amigurumi and on January 4th of this year, I was very excited to be making my first stitches. It has become such an addition. It is wonderful to keep the brain preoccupied with creating from the worries of life. I smile a lot and feel pretty fine when a creature is made and is smiling back at me. Sounds silly? No matter. My job feeds my passion and my passion feeds my delight!

There are a million other gifts Jesus has given .... and as I sign off with just a tiny few, know that I am continuing the gift list as mental exercise ... What gifts has Jesus given you this year?

giving homemade ...

This season I have been acutely aware of the giving of gifts. I had a co-worker tell of her gift giving. She gives of what she has no matter if that means re-gifting. Money is tight, but I think this is the norm for her. I don't think I can do that because I am usually using my gifts! I think re-gifting isn't too bad especially if the gift can be used or is needed by someone else. I have to admit that as crunch time approached, I did look around my house to see if there was anything worthy of giving. I didn't find anything.... lol.

I have had quite a bit of of painted glass leftover from a craft show flop in 2007 that I used and allowed others to dip into this year for gift giving. It came in quite handy especially when I felt moved twice to give something homemade and special. Mom is always making requests and I welcome them. One of my sister-in-laws need teacher gifts for her little preschooler and of course I was quite happy to do so. I want to paint but won't because I have too much crowding my tiny kitchen. The glass stash is getting lower and I will be happy to finally see the end to it. No more mass painting for craft shows. It is too painful to have my little masterpieces go without homes. Forget the encouraging comments! If you really like, buy! Oh well. I have become very self conscious of my painting and crafting abilities. If people won't buy them, do they really want to receive them? And don't tell me that I have them priced too high. I have them at decent rates and even marked them down this year to account for the empty pockets. Grrr! (think I better hush up & change the subject!)

So it has been hard on me to paint and craft without it really going anywhere. So I have decided not to create for money but for giving. I am sick of the last minute rush I find myself every time I make a prezzie. With January being a more quiet month, I am planning the gifts I am giving this year and making a place somewhere in this tiny home to stow them until it is time. I will tag them with the name and event. I will also make 'gift-extras' for those times one might need a gift on the fly. I have been doing some mental note taking on what gifts to make for my special people and I am quite excited. My dream is to have a stress free gift giving at birthdays and at Christmas. I also want the gifts to have good turn around. No more storage of vast amounts!

I will see how my confidence is at the end of the year. Maybe I will have end my quest of the homemade gift. Oh, that will be a hard day ..

karma vs measuring cup ...

I am finding that even though I am not of the world, the world's thoughts and views creep in. This especially happens when the world view is close to our beliefs and when it is a continual drip dripping. I never was comfortable with the notion of karma and when a non-believer co-worker uses it, I decided to take this up with God's Word. How do I make a distinction and give answer to if a moment arises with this co-worker to shed the Truth. This co-worker knows some of the Word but she isn't ready to give her life over to God. She doesn't want to give up the control. She will use the Word for her own points. I am seeing this as a God lesson to quietly seek God on how to spread salt and light revealing the Truth to her.

So with karma here is what you find in the dictionary:
karma |ˈkärmə|
noun
(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
• informal destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

I don't like the notion of karma first of all it doesn't come for God's Word and it belongs to another religion. I will not nor can I take from other religions and put it into my faith like the lasted poll says Americans are doing.

But isn't there something in God's Word that is like karma? And if there is why can't we use karma interchangeably.....? The first thing I need to stress is that we as Christians are not to think about the ''returns''. We must always repay good for evil. Our trademark is our love to not only our brotherhood but to those who mistreat us. We are never ever to think of the returns here on earth. Giving good should be like a by-product almost without thought. However, the Word does say to store up Treasure in Heaven so there is a Return.

Karma thinks about the returns here on earth. Modern day karma says it aloud as to vindicate their suffering but it is them wanting evil to come to their wrong doer. Here is where the Christian differs. A Christian repays good for evil and they want the best for the wrong doer! A Christians what this wrong doer to have it better. Just maybe this wrong doer will come to Jesus Christ.

In Matthew 7:1-5 and Luke 6:37-42 best shows what a Christian should follow and proves different than karma. This is the measuring cup:
''Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.''

I can here it now... but this sounds like karma. Well, it is about the WHOLE WORD not just part. I read this passage for my giving not for my receiving or my returns. The earthly returns are weak and broken but just think about Heavens Treasure. It is beyond my feeble thought.

This is my seeking and probably incomplete but I know I am on the right track. Always be Biblically correct not politically or socially correct....

instructions ...

It seems that my life is revolving around instructions of late. I shouldn't be surprised because I have been a Amigurumi nut case. Some have a knack for good instructions and others are lazy. After hours and hours of pouring over, reading aloud, and even writing out stitches like a math problem, I should be a pro! This should come in handy when creating my own patterns or if I should teach looming or crocheting... (I would like that!)

Often times after an unproductive night, I toss the project and start talking to God. He has helped me on figure out crochet in the first place and He continues to help. I started loom knitting in 05 and have touched base with it off and on. I have this corkscrew scarf that would be perfect for a bday prezzie coming up in less than a week. Could I figure out the instructions? I was writing out the stitches in my short hand and it just was not figuring right. I was kind of peeved as I had nothing completed which helps me get through the next day! Well the next night, I began again with the rows I understood and then filled in the other rows around it. Then it clicked. So I am well on my way with this beautiful red scarf that is curled just right. However, I think that the creator of the pattern should have wrote out the pattern in a grid so that it made more sence. Oh well, if I struggle at a pattern and figure it out, all the treasure is mine!

But I had a nightmare over instructions last week. I have this new camera that needed a SD card because it only handles up to 6 pictures without memory. That wasn't going to work! I bought the SD card and as I was headed home, the moon was full and was slightly hidden in some thin clouds. It was night and I gasped a thank You to God for such a beautiful scene. I couldn't get home fast enough to get the camera ready for a night picture. I wanted to see what kind of job it did. I followed the instructions to the T. It even had pictures with the instructions. The SD card got stuck and I couldn't get it out. A couple days later I used pliers to get it to come out. I was livid. I took it to Dad and with out instructions or my prompting him with the 'correct' way, he flipped it and it slid in and he pushed it a bit and it pops out. I was following instructions so why ignore and do it the other way? Well, so it shows that not all instructions are perfect and Dads are the best heros!

Well, when it comes to earthly instructions, don't be afraid to question it. But always remember there is only One True Instruction Book that is perfect in every way. It is God's Word and His Word is purified seven times over.

Psalms 12:6
The Words of the Lord are Pure Words,
like silver tried in a furnace of earth,
purified seven times.

me in 40+ years!

On Sunday I listen to a mid-80 year old woman speak. I was blown away! I met myself in 40+ years from now if I do not allow the world to wear me down or defeat me. I had a comment spoke of me that they had never met a person like me who is forever changing/growing. I took it as a compliment because I strongly feel that as a Christian we must never remain the same. God should be working on us and if He isn't then we have rejected His Workmanship on us. So it was exciting to see this white haired lady so exuberant over the things she is learning.

So often as I look to my elders, I see little old ladies who grump and poke at you like the one lady I hugged on Sunday who said ''I see you clipped your hair again. I suppose you get tired of me saying that.'' Ok, so why did she open her mouth. I have been spending every morning telling my reflection that I trimmed the unruly and you are looking fine. Grrrr, I have a love hate relationship with the hair and I don't need people poking at me. I keep reminding myself never grow up poking and grumbling at other people. I want to be a beautiful old lady who is vibrant and growing!

Here is some wisdom from an ever growing more beautiful mid-80 year old woman:

* discover your yes so you can say no to everything else.
* happiness is determined by outward circumstances
joy is determined my inner circumstances
*the GIFT we fail to give so often is presence
be where your body is
* joy & pain can coexist
let your pain be fruitful
*excited about being INCOMPLETE b/c that means God has to be with me.

Love that! I shall now stop getting frustrated for not learning fast enough!!!

The Blind Side ...

This movie is off the chart topping a great must see. I am a big sap and a huge believer in dreams. I root for the underdog every time. I also cheer for the down and outer who climbs up out of whatever mess he might be in and walks tall. This movie covers it all. Each character steals the show! You will cry. You will cheer. You will be amazed at the Momma instinct and wonder if you have it in yourself.

We often are sooooo busy with our own stuff and our own lives that we do not see others out there in pain. Listeners are too few among us. I don't mean just the ears either. Listeners must have eyes to see without asking. Listeners must also have no fear and a focus razor sharp. When Listeners act, they change the world.

Then there are those rare finds. A gentle giant who looks scary but is a softie on the inside. They too can change the hard edged world with their soft ways.

I got to find the children's book called "Ferdinand the Bull" and read it. It is in the movie.... so you might want to read it if you didn't have that read to you as a child or if it has been a while...

12+ stars !!!!

(p.s. I got my father to go to the movie which is a hard thing to do. Movies don't interest him much. He liked this movie and thought Sandra did an outstanding job as the mom. I had to ask my parents if they saw Tim Mcgraw in the movie and they said no. He is the dad. Noooooo! He doesn't look like himself!! Well, two thumbs up from my parents too)

my thank yous '09

* God's Word * I started with verses written out on 3x5 cards back in 2003 when I lost my job the first time. Then I learned about 'butterfly wings' where something in the Old Testament is repeated in the New Testament so I started to search out butterflies in the Bible. (p.s. our lives should reflect the Word as Jesus Christ is the Word and we should be like Jesus.) Then I started carrying a New Testament around with me especially to work. 2007 was a job description change and the learning part was hard so I would go to the Word for encouragement. Then I would read Proverbs according to the day since there are 31 Proverbs. It was sooooo alive. Now back to the butterflies the more I read the more I find butterflies. This year with the jumbled up work mess, I began to read the Bible chronologically every day. In today's world I don't see the foundations of the churches out there being very strong especially for future generations. I in way am sensing the last days more so than ever before. Amazing enough I am longing for my HOME COUNTRY. With the church thing we as a family are at a cross roads as we think the pastor is not a true shepherd. With that I am soooo thankful that I know how to read and that I have my own copy of the Word. There was a time where the people where at the mercy of the pastors - not so any more. I am sooo thankful for the Holy Spirit. Being a Christian allows my soul to be open to the Holy Spirit teaching. * crochet - Amigurumi * I wanted to make granny squares because they were little but it wasn't enough for me to learn crochet while I had my Grandma. I did pick up the looms in about 2005 to knit things like hats and scarves and purses but I noticed that something online. It was these really cute tiny crochet toys. I was envious! I always loved the small things especially small stuff animals. I had a small stash when I was a little girl and as a big girl to make them? priceless. Problem: I do not know of anyone who was willing to take the time out to teach me. Plus, once a crocheter they never seem to know how to slow done enough to teach you and there you are left struggling with more frustration. So I would look longingly at the crochet book I had. Sometimes I would try and others times I would just turn my back on it. This past January after being able to see actual still pictures of crochet I could see what loops the hook was actually go in and out of. I finally accomplished it all by myself. I don't give credit to my brain rather the credit goes to God because I get so impatient and He is so patient. I would tell Him of my struggle and in time things came together. The other thing about Amigurumi is that it has been a really fun and interesting journey that has kept my heart occupied when my work path is sketchy. * work * I lost my accounts payable job in April and was called back to work in Costing. Sadly, I do not like my job but thanking God for my job has kept my head above water. It pays for the Amigurumi path and it feeds me. I have no right to complain. May was a mess because I couldn't get unemployment to work. I must remember to use what I learned in AP for my costing job - take my issues to God and He will see me through.... * Mom & Dad * I am so grateful for my parents. I remember how Dad really was a shoulder of strength when the costing job became available to me to me. He didn't tell me that it was wrong to feel mad that I would have do costing again! I love my Dad. Mom is always the confidant and friend. Even though we can't do our Friday outings, we have been able to connect with each other when I have my unemployment weeks. She always believes in me and my craft. * sitting with my niece * My niece has been sick on my unemployment weeks so I have been able to go care for her. I was unsure about my parent skills since I have no kids of my own. After hearing a Bible teacher talk about the right way of parenting, I took this with me and found it worked. However, just inviting God in on it is the most important. * the PUPPERS * I love my fury boys. Bobby, Andy, and Tink are so fascinating to work with and to love on. Their personalities are just so animated. We brought home bags this past Tuesday. Andy loves inspecting the bags. Tink wanted his cookie so after the quiet for the cookie was over, Andy went back to the bag. His little tail stump was just moving. He was soooo frantic. Then I realized that was the bag for the bones Mom had got for them. OH Boy, every one had to have their bones with my grumping to ward off unwanted company. Too funny. * bros & their fams * I love my bros. It is good to have brothers who you get along with. They are in the midst of growing their families and it is good to see them growing up. * God * When you seek Him, He reveals Himself. Being in the Word, He is so alive! I just can't get enough. I love it that I am more in love with Him than ever before and I want that love to be more and more as the years tick by...

08 thank yous

jottings ....

Just some writing exercises I did on Monday ...

Morning
early grey
Lucia is sick
I'm coming to her
Love.


Pottery
blue white
mountains, clouds, birds
simplistic lines, calming place
Inspiration.


Quiet
whirling heater
Lucia is napping
warming up my thoughts
Brainstorming.