monthly thoughts of 2009

Jan: Romanced by an Everlasting Love - Jer 31:3
Feb: Faithful & True - Rev 19:11
Mar: StrongMan - Matthew 12:29
Apr: Sovereign
May: Provider - JEHOVAH-JIREH = the Lord shall provide
Jun: Perfect Love - 1 John 4:18
Jul: my Shepherd - Ps 23
Aug: Shield & Defender
Sep: Love that will not let me go - ♫ O Love ♫
Oct: First & Last - Isa 44:6
Nov: Fullness of Joy - Ps 16:11
Dec: Gift Giver

This year's theme was about God's romance for me and I found that His Names are like pet names or love names. I was hoping to focus all my love desires on Jesus so I wouldn't be so mucked up with being single. I have spent about twenty five years studying how to be a good wife, have a good marriage, and figuring out the male species. I have come up empty handed. Now if I find myself still single at 80 and some little old man wants to sweep me off my feet and marry me, FORGET IT. Nada. Never. If you couldn't make me a honest woman when I was young and I spent all my days fending for myself, you don't get me. I know that is the future and I really don't know how I will feel but here at 40, I am feeling both. I want companionship but I am so sick of what I am finding that no I don't want to get married.

Why is it that I am a responsible woman cleaning up my life and working out my issues and GROWING when a man seems to think that he can be a couch potato in full out hibernation till hell freezes over when it comes to his relationships and his spiritual life? Look, I cannot nor will I try to change a man but to sit back and see that a man zonk out, run away, or shut out issues that bite him on the nose is ludicrous! Give it up to the Heavenly Father already! Man cannot change himself but to runaway isn't working. Seek God and He will always be there. I know, the soapbox is out and I am shouting away. A raving mad old maid here. Laugh away. Low point here. {sighs} Just a question that has boiled over and is burning the bottom of the pot.

I think I need to stay here and focus on my romance with my Heavenly Father as my heart is broken and scarred. It still needs the Hands of the Master Physician to heal up my wounds. I did not feel this way all year. Crochet amigurumies has insulated my heart but for some reason it is huge right now. Maybe because someone tried to set me up and my heart went into attack mode. They had my well being in mind but even so it messed up the seemingly calm waters. So because I am having issues, 2010 is following 2009 with a Elizabeth Elliott's quote "Our disappointments are God appointments." I am seeking to use my disappointments for God. When I seek Him, He always find me.... saving me from myself!

fav hymns for 2009

* "I Know He Cares"
* "Under His Wing"
* "Sheltered in the Arms of God"
* "Darker the Night - Brighter the Light when I walk with Him"

wishes for 2010

to create a gift stash
I wish to start thinking and creating gifts now for my family and friends. There is no payoff for gift making that begins to hit crunch time. Christmas comes and goes too fast and I end up feeling badly. I also have a lot of birthdays towards the in end of the year too so I am putting my foot down. I have made some notes on some prospects on gift making already! I must be working always on a gift. When they are finished I am going to tab them with the name and the event. I am going to get a fabric cube to store these gifts that I can fold away when at Christmas. I will also work on a small stash of spur of the moment gifts where I can at a whim have a gift ready to give whenever I feel that urge. This spur of the moment gifts will be for my sister-in-law and for my mom to raid when they have that urge too. I have thought about Christmas teacher gifts my niece to give. I was able to put more thought in some of my gifts this year and would love to be more ahead on my gifts so that I can spend time on the wrap and presentation of them.

to keep creativity going
I have been like an addict when it came to creating Amigurumies and from my symptoms I want to put it to some of my other crafts. I love paper, cross stitch, fabric yo-yo's, loom knitting, and words. I want to marry all my crafts into one so that I am not lopsided! I also want to be more artsy with my craft and be able to present well. A gift well wrapped shows thought, love, and listening. I have made pom pom flowers and used sticks as stems. I want to polish this up with yo-yo flowers and butterflies etc. I want a unique vase of flowers on my desk that everyone wants!!!

to get back my kitchen table back & tame the glass
I have been struggling at keeping my table clear (on and around). I want the work space not only for writing or crafting but for what it is intended, cooking and eating!!! I want to invite my Mom over again for a bit of cuppa and cake. The cake part is a challenge too because it will have to have no sugar or flour and it might be fine for me but might not be sweet or tasty enough for others (worth a try). My glass has become a beast. I have recycled quite a bit of my glass to trim it down to just choice pieces to paint. It seems that even the small steps get me nowhere.

to write more
This was last year's wish and I did not get anywhere with it but wishing. I did read "Knit Together" which was a great boost of encouragement. I had an idea about a single girl's self help but I don't like self help. This idea is changing back to what I used to do, poetry. Sounds weird but in a world of fast maybe this is the right mode of transportation! We shall see....

to more more
This is going to be a constant wish because movement is good for any age. Crocheting is more sedentary and I don't want to lose out on weight lifting and walking. I have noticed in the past months that I was frantically working the hook because of upcoming events, I was sitting even on the weekends. I don' get out and walk in the cold but I need to get my stepper and my dvds out and movvvvvvvvvvve. Crocheting is just as great for the mind as walking but the body needs to be able to find its peace as well.

to allow 'my disappointments to be God's appointments'
For 2009 I wanted to allow God to romance me and to fear not my constant companion of aloneness and this year I want to continue with Elizabeth Elliot's quote "Our disappointments are God's appointments." To my amazement this crochet addiction I have has helped my mind and heart to stay above the issues of employment and of living this life as just me. The dark nagging voice is overpowered by the joy I found in creating little crochet toys and flowers. Turning 40 has also changed my thoughts about marriage. See I have studied and studied on how to be a good wife and to have a good marriage for two decades and for what really? I did not think I would feel what I am feeling at this age. Why get married now? I know I really didn't want kids of my own but I thought it would happen because that is what you do when you get of college and marry. Didn't happen. The choices I have are men who are dads already and that means baggage and I don't want that. What wholesome guy waited? Momma boys? and then what does that say about me....? Ok, shape up keeper!!!!! I felt that when I turned 60 these thoughts would come. Maybe by 60 I will be quite happy and very ok with the single life without still having that hunger for companionship. So here is to turning my disappointments into God's appointments!!!!

to have a faster internet at a decent fee ($20)
Hmmm, is this really a life changer wish? I waste so much time waiting for pages to load up. It takes me hours to file unemployment and downloads to upgrade my computer etc. Most nights all I can do is try to go through the mail because I am waiting to get in here to write. It takes forever to download my personal email and half the time it won't download. I don't get to do Shutterfly of Picnik because to upload and fix pixs is just a no go. Earthlink dsl is way to expensive compared to verizon but I just do not like verizon. So this year I will have to decide what to do .... free wireless coming anytime soon to this city??? I believe faster internet will help me to achieve more creativity and more writing... oh, iSlate would be nice too.....

firsts of 2009

*1st crochet piece - an Amigurumi cupcake
*1st loomed knit corkscrew scarf
*1st granny square mini Christmas stocking
*1st crochet paperclip ice skates
*1st crochet roses & other flowers - Mom likes them as pins
*1st homemade coconut ice cream no sugar
*1st crustless cheesecake no sugar
*1st homemade guacamole - don't like...

highlights of 2009

*was finally successful at my attempt to crochet!!! internet photos helped for this visual person!- jan 4th
*figured out the magic loop for crocheting Amigurumies - feb 16
*made lots of Amigurumies, pears, cherries, cupcakes, mouse, bears, kittens, monkeys etc
*work dumped lot of peeps including me .. lost my job in Accounts Payable - apr 24
*thought there would be a possibility to find a creative job but became swamped w/ unemployment
*little bro graduated from Grace with his Master's in counseling - may 9
*worked called me back for a costing job - may 26
*ate rotten food b/c I didn't realize the frig wasn't cooling. got a smokers frig for a temp but happy to have a clean fresh new one.
*got a bad sore throat - will not use muscinex ever again...
*love nutshellmail for keeping my emails and twitters organized.
*got google voice! Love having a number to use for long distance at least here in the states...
*with my unemployed weeks here in the fall was able to Niece sit when she was sick. learn some mommy instincts.
*upgraded to Snow Leopard
*vcr broke & have not been able to find a replacement w/ specs wanted
*got google wave - still need to learn to put it into use
*did my final craft show (said this the last time '07)- oct 10
*found out that the tooth pain is from a root that is so short it is close to the gum line! (cause by braces) - nov
*Mom & Dad got a new couch
*finally requested tire info b/c I am tired of low tire pressures
*got a nice new polaroid digital camera w/ 12 picixals to ease from film
*loomed knitted a corkscrew scarf - seems to be a real hit!

fav reads of 2009

*"Treasures of the Snow" by Patricia St. John (audio now must find book to read)

*"Knit Together" by Debbie Macomber (great encouragement for my desire to write)

* The Queensland Chronicles Series by Bonnie Leon
-- "The Heart of Thornton Creek"
-- "For the Love of the Land" (not available any more)
-- "When the Storm Breaks"
(wanted to read more about this particular place b/c when you know someone from there you find yourself needing more ...)

*"Chronicles of Naria" (still making my way through all his books)

fav tunes of 2009

*"Come Back to Me" by David Cook
*"Cry Me a River" by Michael Bublé (totally awesome beat!!!)
*Straight Through My Heart" by BSB
*"All of Your Life (You Need Love)" by BSB
*"Shattered" by BSB
*"A Snowflake Fell (And It Felt Like a Kiss)"

fav movies of 2009

* The Proposal
* Love Happens
* the Time Travel's Wife
* Accidental Husband
* The Blind Side *****best of show *****

Jesus Christ's gifts to me ...

My thoughts of late have been about gifts and because it is Jesus Christ birth here on earth, I have been thinking about the gifts He has given me. Odd for the One with the birthday to be the giver of gifts but 'tis true!

Jesus Christ's first and foremost gift is Salvation & Eternal Life but you know what? He saves me from myself every day! I can make a mess of things but He is always there with pure and right ways which gives me comfort and joy even if it looks like I walk alone from the outside looking in.

This year Jesus took away my AP job and after a month of me stewing around with unemployment woes, He gave me a job back in Costing. Sure, I don't like this job but I thank Him for it and try to do my best at focusing. My sister-in-law has been without a job for a year now! I've been without a job for a good bit of time back in '03 but not sure how I would have faired this time around. I could be frustrated but I am not. I am just taking it bit by bit. The next gift helps a great deal...

Jesus also gave me a crochet hook this year. I could not have figured it out without Him. I want to make Amigurumi and on January 4th of this year, I was very excited to be making my first stitches. It has become such an addition. It is wonderful to keep the brain preoccupied with creating from the worries of life. I smile a lot and feel pretty fine when a creature is made and is smiling back at me. Sounds silly? No matter. My job feeds my passion and my passion feeds my delight!

There are a million other gifts Jesus has given .... and as I sign off with just a tiny few, know that I am continuing the gift list as mental exercise ... What gifts has Jesus given you this year?

giving homemade ...

This season I have been acutely aware of the giving of gifts. I had a co-worker tell of her gift giving. She gives of what she has no matter if that means re-gifting. Money is tight, but I think this is the norm for her. I don't think I can do that because I am usually using my gifts! I think re-gifting isn't too bad especially if the gift can be used or is needed by someone else. I have to admit that as crunch time approached, I did look around my house to see if there was anything worthy of giving. I didn't find anything.... lol.

I have had quite a bit of of painted glass leftover from a craft show flop in 2007 that I used and allowed others to dip into this year for gift giving. It came in quite handy especially when I felt moved twice to give something homemade and special. Mom is always making requests and I welcome them. One of my sister-in-laws need teacher gifts for her little preschooler and of course I was quite happy to do so. I want to paint but won't because I have too much crowding my tiny kitchen. The glass stash is getting lower and I will be happy to finally see the end to it. No more mass painting for craft shows. It is too painful to have my little masterpieces go without homes. Forget the encouraging comments! If you really like, buy! Oh well. I have become very self conscious of my painting and crafting abilities. If people won't buy them, do they really want to receive them? And don't tell me that I have them priced too high. I have them at decent rates and even marked them down this year to account for the empty pockets. Grrr! (think I better hush up & change the subject!)

So it has been hard on me to paint and craft without it really going anywhere. So I have decided not to create for money but for giving. I am sick of the last minute rush I find myself every time I make a prezzie. With January being a more quiet month, I am planning the gifts I am giving this year and making a place somewhere in this tiny home to stow them until it is time. I will tag them with the name and event. I will also make 'gift-extras' for those times one might need a gift on the fly. I have been doing some mental note taking on what gifts to make for my special people and I am quite excited. My dream is to have a stress free gift giving at birthdays and at Christmas. I also want the gifts to have good turn around. No more storage of vast amounts!

I will see how my confidence is at the end of the year. Maybe I will have end my quest of the homemade gift. Oh, that will be a hard day ..

karma vs measuring cup ...

I am finding that even though I am not of the world, the world's thoughts and views creep in. This especially happens when the world view is close to our beliefs and when it is a continual drip dripping. I never was comfortable with the notion of karma and when a non-believer co-worker uses it, I decided to take this up with God's Word. How do I make a distinction and give answer to if a moment arises with this co-worker to shed the Truth. This co-worker knows some of the Word but she isn't ready to give her life over to God. She doesn't want to give up the control. She will use the Word for her own points. I am seeing this as a God lesson to quietly seek God on how to spread salt and light revealing the Truth to her.

So with karma here is what you find in the dictionary:
karma |ˈkärmə|
noun
(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person's actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
• informal destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.

I don't like the notion of karma first of all it doesn't come for God's Word and it belongs to another religion. I will not nor can I take from other religions and put it into my faith like the lasted poll says Americans are doing.

But isn't there something in God's Word that is like karma? And if there is why can't we use karma interchangeably.....? The first thing I need to stress is that we as Christians are not to think about the ''returns''. We must always repay good for evil. Our trademark is our love to not only our brotherhood but to those who mistreat us. We are never ever to think of the returns here on earth. Giving good should be like a by-product almost without thought. However, the Word does say to store up Treasure in Heaven so there is a Return.

Karma thinks about the returns here on earth. Modern day karma says it aloud as to vindicate their suffering but it is them wanting evil to come to their wrong doer. Here is where the Christian differs. A Christian repays good for evil and they want the best for the wrong doer! A Christians what this wrong doer to have it better. Just maybe this wrong doer will come to Jesus Christ.

In Matthew 7:1-5 and Luke 6:37-42 best shows what a Christian should follow and proves different than karma. This is the measuring cup:
''Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.''

I can here it now... but this sounds like karma. Well, it is about the WHOLE WORD not just part. I read this passage for my giving not for my receiving or my returns. The earthly returns are weak and broken but just think about Heavens Treasure. It is beyond my feeble thought.

This is my seeking and probably incomplete but I know I am on the right track. Always be Biblically correct not politically or socially correct....

instructions ...

It seems that my life is revolving around instructions of late. I shouldn't be surprised because I have been a Amigurumi nut case. Some have a knack for good instructions and others are lazy. After hours and hours of pouring over, reading aloud, and even writing out stitches like a math problem, I should be a pro! This should come in handy when creating my own patterns or if I should teach looming or crocheting... (I would like that!)

Often times after an unproductive night, I toss the project and start talking to God. He has helped me on figure out crochet in the first place and He continues to help. I started loom knitting in 05 and have touched base with it off and on. I have this corkscrew scarf that would be perfect for a bday prezzie coming up in less than a week. Could I figure out the instructions? I was writing out the stitches in my short hand and it just was not figuring right. I was kind of peeved as I had nothing completed which helps me get through the next day! Well the next night, I began again with the rows I understood and then filled in the other rows around it. Then it clicked. So I am well on my way with this beautiful red scarf that is curled just right. However, I think that the creator of the pattern should have wrote out the pattern in a grid so that it made more sence. Oh well, if I struggle at a pattern and figure it out, all the treasure is mine!

But I had a nightmare over instructions last week. I have this new camera that needed a SD card because it only handles up to 6 pictures without memory. That wasn't going to work! I bought the SD card and as I was headed home, the moon was full and was slightly hidden in some thin clouds. It was night and I gasped a thank You to God for such a beautiful scene. I couldn't get home fast enough to get the camera ready for a night picture. I wanted to see what kind of job it did. I followed the instructions to the T. It even had pictures with the instructions. The SD card got stuck and I couldn't get it out. A couple days later I used pliers to get it to come out. I was livid. I took it to Dad and with out instructions or my prompting him with the 'correct' way, he flipped it and it slid in and he pushed it a bit and it pops out. I was following instructions so why ignore and do it the other way? Well, so it shows that not all instructions are perfect and Dads are the best heros!

Well, when it comes to earthly instructions, don't be afraid to question it. But always remember there is only One True Instruction Book that is perfect in every way. It is God's Word and His Word is purified seven times over.

Psalms 12:6
The Words of the Lord are Pure Words,
like silver tried in a furnace of earth,
purified seven times.

me in 40+ years!

On Sunday I listen to a mid-80 year old woman speak. I was blown away! I met myself in 40+ years from now if I do not allow the world to wear me down or defeat me. I had a comment spoke of me that they had never met a person like me who is forever changing/growing. I took it as a compliment because I strongly feel that as a Christian we must never remain the same. God should be working on us and if He isn't then we have rejected His Workmanship on us. So it was exciting to see this white haired lady so exuberant over the things she is learning.

So often as I look to my elders, I see little old ladies who grump and poke at you like the one lady I hugged on Sunday who said ''I see you clipped your hair again. I suppose you get tired of me saying that.'' Ok, so why did she open her mouth. I have been spending every morning telling my reflection that I trimmed the unruly and you are looking fine. Grrrr, I have a love hate relationship with the hair and I don't need people poking at me. I keep reminding myself never grow up poking and grumbling at other people. I want to be a beautiful old lady who is vibrant and growing!

Here is some wisdom from an ever growing more beautiful mid-80 year old woman:

* discover your yes so you can say no to everything else.
* happiness is determined by outward circumstances
joy is determined my inner circumstances
*the GIFT we fail to give so often is presence
be where your body is
* joy & pain can coexist
let your pain be fruitful
*excited about being INCOMPLETE b/c that means God has to be with me.

Love that! I shall now stop getting frustrated for not learning fast enough!!!

The Blind Side ...

This movie is off the chart topping a great must see. I am a big sap and a huge believer in dreams. I root for the underdog every time. I also cheer for the down and outer who climbs up out of whatever mess he might be in and walks tall. This movie covers it all. Each character steals the show! You will cry. You will cheer. You will be amazed at the Momma instinct and wonder if you have it in yourself.

We often are sooooo busy with our own stuff and our own lives that we do not see others out there in pain. Listeners are too few among us. I don't mean just the ears either. Listeners must have eyes to see without asking. Listeners must also have no fear and a focus razor sharp. When Listeners act, they change the world.

Then there are those rare finds. A gentle giant who looks scary but is a softie on the inside. They too can change the hard edged world with their soft ways.

I got to find the children's book called "Ferdinand the Bull" and read it. It is in the movie.... so you might want to read it if you didn't have that read to you as a child or if it has been a while...

12+ stars !!!!

(p.s. I got my father to go to the movie which is a hard thing to do. Movies don't interest him much. He liked this movie and thought Sandra did an outstanding job as the mom. I had to ask my parents if they saw Tim Mcgraw in the movie and they said no. He is the dad. Noooooo! He doesn't look like himself!! Well, two thumbs up from my parents too)

my thank yous '09

* God's Word * I started with verses written out on 3x5 cards back in 2003 when I lost my job the first time. Then I learned about 'butterfly wings' where something in the Old Testament is repeated in the New Testament so I started to search out butterflies in the Bible. (p.s. our lives should reflect the Word as Jesus Christ is the Word and we should be like Jesus.) Then I started carrying a New Testament around with me especially to work. 2007 was a job description change and the learning part was hard so I would go to the Word for encouragement. Then I would read Proverbs according to the day since there are 31 Proverbs. It was sooooo alive. Now back to the butterflies the more I read the more I find butterflies. This year with the jumbled up work mess, I began to read the Bible chronologically every day. In today's world I don't see the foundations of the churches out there being very strong especially for future generations. I in way am sensing the last days more so than ever before. Amazing enough I am longing for my HOME COUNTRY. With the church thing we as a family are at a cross roads as we think the pastor is not a true shepherd. With that I am soooo thankful that I know how to read and that I have my own copy of the Word. There was a time where the people where at the mercy of the pastors - not so any more. I am sooo thankful for the Holy Spirit. Being a Christian allows my soul to be open to the Holy Spirit teaching. * crochet - Amigurumi * I wanted to make granny squares because they were little but it wasn't enough for me to learn crochet while I had my Grandma. I did pick up the looms in about 2005 to knit things like hats and scarves and purses but I noticed that something online. It was these really cute tiny crochet toys. I was envious! I always loved the small things especially small stuff animals. I had a small stash when I was a little girl and as a big girl to make them? priceless. Problem: I do not know of anyone who was willing to take the time out to teach me. Plus, once a crocheter they never seem to know how to slow done enough to teach you and there you are left struggling with more frustration. So I would look longingly at the crochet book I had. Sometimes I would try and others times I would just turn my back on it. This past January after being able to see actual still pictures of crochet I could see what loops the hook was actually go in and out of. I finally accomplished it all by myself. I don't give credit to my brain rather the credit goes to God because I get so impatient and He is so patient. I would tell Him of my struggle and in time things came together. The other thing about Amigurumi is that it has been a really fun and interesting journey that has kept my heart occupied when my work path is sketchy. * work * I lost my accounts payable job in April and was called back to work in Costing. Sadly, I do not like my job but thanking God for my job has kept my head above water. It pays for the Amigurumi path and it feeds me. I have no right to complain. May was a mess because I couldn't get unemployment to work. I must remember to use what I learned in AP for my costing job - take my issues to God and He will see me through.... * Mom & Dad * I am so grateful for my parents. I remember how Dad really was a shoulder of strength when the costing job became available to me to me. He didn't tell me that it was wrong to feel mad that I would have do costing again! I love my Dad. Mom is always the confidant and friend. Even though we can't do our Friday outings, we have been able to connect with each other when I have my unemployment weeks. She always believes in me and my craft. * sitting with my niece * My niece has been sick on my unemployment weeks so I have been able to go care for her. I was unsure about my parent skills since I have no kids of my own. After hearing a Bible teacher talk about the right way of parenting, I took this with me and found it worked. However, just inviting God in on it is the most important. * the PUPPERS * I love my fury boys. Bobby, Andy, and Tink are so fascinating to work with and to love on. Their personalities are just so animated. We brought home bags this past Tuesday. Andy loves inspecting the bags. Tink wanted his cookie so after the quiet for the cookie was over, Andy went back to the bag. His little tail stump was just moving. He was soooo frantic. Then I realized that was the bag for the bones Mom had got for them. OH Boy, every one had to have their bones with my grumping to ward off unwanted company. Too funny. * bros & their fams * I love my bros. It is good to have brothers who you get along with. They are in the midst of growing their families and it is good to see them growing up. * God * When you seek Him, He reveals Himself. Being in the Word, He is so alive! I just can't get enough. I love it that I am more in love with Him than ever before and I want that love to be more and more as the years tick by...

08 thank yous

jottings ....

Just some writing exercises I did on Monday ...

Morning
early grey
Lucia is sick
I'm coming to her
Love.


Pottery
blue white
mountains, clouds, birds
simplistic lines, calming place
Inspiration.


Quiet
whirling heater
Lucia is napping
warming up my thoughts
Brainstorming.

heralding the love truth ...

As I was waiting for the diagnosis of the front passenger tire and feeling very caught up in being a single girl at the mercy of the male and struggling with how to communicate as a God-fearing woman, I dug out my Bible memory 3x5 cards. I rested upon Habakkuk 2:2-3.

"Write down the revelation
& make it plain on tablets so that the herald may run with it.
For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end & will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come & will not delay."

The 'revelation' part scared me a bit but as I thought about it like taking a glass cup and putting it to the light to inspect the clarity, I prayed for a small revelation about my impasse over the marriage for us vs marriage for him. Habakkuk is an Old Testament prophet who had complaints that he brought to God. Habbakkuk 2:2 is the beginning of God's answer. I know my complaint is different but I prayed this verse also knowing that in Dueteronomy 29:29 says:

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God,
but the things revealed belong to us
& to our children forever,
that we may follow all the words of this law."

I had been coming across a lot of verses about marriage being ALL about the man. I was getting these feelings that I never had before that a wife duty is to totally be a servant especting nothing in return. I began to wonder if I had allowed the world's phophosy mess up God's true intent. So I prayed Habakkuk 2:2-3.

With my small request of a revelation, I know it must speak of the end. To me it means that this speaks of what is Eternal. It may take time but the revelation comes at the right time. So I waited.

My wait ended that afternoon when I was listening to a Bible teacher say that a man is to love his wife. Yes, I already know this but the Holy Spirit prompted me to go over the love list in I Corinthians 13:4-8:

"Love is patient, Love is kind.
Love does not envy, Love does not boast,
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude, Love is not self-seeking,
Love is not easily angered,
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but Love rejoices in truth.
Love always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails."

Ok, that is a huge task! Even though the woman's respect list is short but wide, a man's love list is tall but very deep. But if you are the wife receiving this kind of Love, she is receiving a ton! If she is receiving all of this, then it isn't alllllll about giving and giving ...... Yes, there are times when a woman will give without much in return but it is far better then me beginning to think that there is NEVER a return.

So here is my small revelation and I herald it. It is so easy to get messed up. Just seek God and He always reveals the answer or Himself. Don't forget there will be God-Secrets that He will keep to Himself but what is revealed is ours.

to respect your man ...

I DO NOT have a problem with respecting a man. It is a God-Command for a good union. Plus, to 'fear' God means to honor and respect. I understand the lordship of Sarah with her man, Abraham. Because of this, first on requirement on my 'man-list] is that I must be able to follow the man's leadership. If you can follow his leadership, all the more you will be able to respect him.

Here I went and read a book that explains the respect issue a bit. I agree you must respect your man's thoughts, his words, his judgements, and his actions. What was very new to me was the respecting his ''figuring it out for himself''. Uh oh! This could be a mine field! My experience has been with moody ones that quiet up or ditch you. How do you steer away from their 'figuring out' when in discussion over issues and problems? Not a clue! (BTW how do we get in trouble over suggestions when in our own issues that all we want is an ear and they are there with all kinds of suggestions......then if you get mad or don't take their advise you disrespect???? grrr.)

There was two examples of when the boys are in the figuring out stage. One was when they are out driving. They don't really want directions. They want to figure it so girls just enjoy the ride. It his adventure and he wants to share it with you. I get this. My father loves Sunday drives. We are amazed at all his know how when it comes to driving w/o maps. I have map skills and not afraid to tackle going to a new place. In fact I have travelled to a neighboring state allllll by myself w/ maps but I did it! The second example is of a man with all the entertainment components all over the floor and taking all day to hook things up. I am a tinkerer myself so there are few house projects I could do on my own so I really need to watch this. Can I ask to take up certain responsibilities w/o him getting his ego miffed? Say a wife wants the towel bar fixed in the bathroom and it goes days. The wife thinks and sees that she can fix it and gets the screw gun or the glue out and fixes it. Disrespect? Yikes. These examples are kind of on the lighter side but are very dangerous for man bashing.

But what about the super serious stuff like if the man is dealing with work issues that are beating him down? What if he turns melancholic and into a slow burn? These are issues. These need figuring out. It is sooooo hard to sit on the sidelines with a sock in the mouth in order to control the urge to burst forth with 'help'. I am so upset about this because I thought I had the respect issue down and here my whole world got messed up when I thought I had it neat and orderly.

A couple finishing thoughts....
'Anger is expressed when they are disrespected.' <-- a clue!
'Nagging and repeated requests is disrespect.' <-- a personal clue

Some personal rules I made for myself to follow:
1. Never put down - always build up.
2. Never ever tell them what to do! <-- general rule for all peeps
3. Woman is the man's helpmate - never ever the other way around.

I am so messed up because I thought a marriage union was all about the us but of late it seems it has to be all about him....

teamship ...

When it comes to marriage, I had this theory that it was a team where you had each other's back and you had a common goal (successful marriage and successful partnership). It would be work but work you wanted to do with each other. It would be a team where there was 100% give and take on both sides. There would be no trying to win over the other nor would there be stealing the show. It is a team.

However, my theory was challenged first by 'woman was made as a helpmate for the man' not the other way around. Meaning that the woman really shouldn't hope for things in the team? The second challenge comes in the form of respect. I greatly know that the Bible says a woman is to respect her man. I get that but there is a respect needed for when a man needs to figure something out on his own. For example, the taking off without directions and not nagging him to get directions. I get this. I have a father who loves the Sunday drive and just taking it in is part of the adventure. But like when he when he takes apart something or you must WAIT for him to take apart something to fix and it takes all day. You are suppose to respect him and let him figure it out with out words. Oh, and when can you take on something or fix something for the team... The third challenge is the words ...... I am quiet by nature but I am a thinker and I do need to use a lot of words and I fail here......

Anyways, I cannot give up on my teamship theory just yet but I have added another 'team' picture. It is where the man is out on the hockey rink (the sport I like more than football & greatly more than baseball=) and woman is the fan in the stands cheering on and never bad mouthing the team. Now is to figure out when it 'together we face the world' or the 'hockey player and fan' type of team...

touch, a woman's sexual desire ...

Swindoll was on the topic of King David seeing bathing Bathsheba. I know that sexual desire grabs men through visual but what I didn't know was that sexual desire grabs women through touch! Really? I am a girl I should know this! So like my typical self, I start going though my journey looking for the trigger points so that I don't fall off the edge. If you don't SAFEly test where your weak places are, you will be sabotaged. When you pick yourself up from the fall out, you will berate yourself for not living as purely as possible with your relationship with God.

So what about touch? I definitely do not like people getting into my personal space. I went though a spell where I would pull away from my own father's hugs. That was because I was a teenager just not wanting to be bother because I was mad over something. I also went through a time where wonderful perfumed granny's at church would hug on me so I decided that I would be the first to hug on them every Sunday. Problem was that I carried their perfume with me in the form of a HA. I dislike hovering of any type especially in the checkout lanes. So how is touch going to be take me down in sexual desire?

Well, I spoke of uncomfortable touch. So if I am that sensitive over my space, what if it is comfortable touch? When I read the book on the "Five Love Languages", I knew right way that WORDS was my thing and TOUCH was the farthest. However, over the course of an alone journey, touch is very important to me. (All five love languages are important in every person's life. To best love is to be fluent in all five love languages.) My word tank is a huge tank. Lets say my word tank is 25 gallons. My other four tanks would be 1 gallon. But having just one of the tanks become empty, the engine fails. Being a loner makes for a tank that needs constant care and watch or there is critical arrest.

My TOUCH tank could very well be more than a gallon. Over this life journey with my Heavenly Father what I cherish the most is His Arms! When I am at the lowest lows, I often pull the covers up tight up to my nose and turn out the lights and let the mind's screen pull up the God holding tight in His Muscular Bare Arms to the point you can't see me and to where His Heart Beat is so loud that it quiets all my troubles. So I could see that if a man ever dared to approach me in this way no matter how small compared to God's, I could be wooed. Wow, touch is a woman's sexual desire! What girl doesn't want to be protected? Arms holding you in when you are falling apart tell you that you are still loved and still cherished and will be protected. mmmmm... yessss .... touch is very desirable!

I had an experience once with a guy whose love language was touch. This was a LDR so trying to speak his love language was a huge challenge. I felt as though I really never reached his heart. I feel that REDEEMED 'touchers' need to allow friends to touch them via the mind, heart, and soul and not just the physical. Honestly, I am afraid to touch the opposite sex. (AND IT IS A HEALTHY RESPECTFUL fear because I know the dangers.) I guess I didn't realize that this healthy respectful decline of touching a male other than the handshake is a 'protectent' for my girly heart.

I am glad that Swindoll said this in passing. I really needed this mental note. I probably will have more to learn...
What about touching via words? ....